Since being pregnant, I have had my fair shares of outbursts.

Like the time when my husband was busy for a month. Well, he promised it would only take one whole month (weekends included), but then, it got extended to two more weeks. I was very patient and supportive at first, but one night, he came home late, so I cried and cried like a baby. I really felt like I was being neglected. But, me being me, I am easy to console. Within minutes of coaxing, I was able to smile again.

Plus, my husband was sweet, I couldn't stay mad at him and...It was probably one of the mengada-ngada thing going on.

Today, I broke down again. The difference is, I am really sad about it. Not just because I am pregnant and needing the attention.

I was actually attending a course. Tuh lah, siapa suruh gatal tangan pergi online masa tengah kursus kan. I received good news actually. The only probably was: me not being the recipient. As much as I am happy for my friends, but I am also equally sad for my own self.

So far, for the past few months or so (or was it a year?), whenever I feel depressed and decide to write it down in this blog, it is always related to the same matter.

I am so weak. I thought about it for a while, and I started to have blurry vision from the tears pooling in my eyes. While listening to the presentations! I had to pretend cough, and wipe off the tears. The course finally ended, and I still cried while walking.

I told my husband about it. As usual, he never really gets why I want this so much. Balik rumah, tulis blog lah. Heh.

So, this is what failure tastes like. This is what rejection feels like.

Not that I am saying I never failed before. Sure, I have failed in exams and such before, but no biggie, nothing that will affect my life much. But this is something I really want. I really need. This should be my stepping stone.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I need to fail to succeed. You and I can tell myself all these feel good quotes. But just let me have a space to mourn. I feel sick just thinking about it.

I feel like I am being left behind. Sure, you can argue there are many others in the same boat. "There will be another opportunity," my husband said. But within my circle of friends, among those who are close to me, I am behind. This is not a race, you'd say. But it is important to me. Even if it was a race, it isn't over yet, you are still in it, you'd day. But I am just still at the starting line.

And I have no other than myself to blame. And my husband, of course. Kesian, my husband. Such a sweet man, tapi selalu menjadi mangsa I. Hehe. (See, I am just writing Hehe so I wouldn't cry at this moment, but I still do)

This is the price to pay for being ambitious. I am not comfortable to be comfortable at where I am right now. Do you get it? This can never be enough for me, it's just my nature.

Okay, stop. This is becoming too depressing.

Instead of dwelling, why don't I talk about random things!

(It's funny how I still tend to conceal my emotions even when I am writing anonymously)

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Anyway,

I still haven't felt my baby kicks yet. Well, sometimes I feel very subtle movements in my tummy, but I am not sure. Or is it because my baby is a girl, that's why the baby is so shy and polite? But we really want a boy our my first! Just because there are already too many girls around in my family! Haha.

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A few months ago, I tested my husband and asked him, "Abang, am I a good wife? Do you think I am good wife?"

I was preparing for the worst, but he simply said, "Yes, you are a good wife, I love you," without hesitation.

He still doesn't know how happy I am to hear those words.

Deep down, I realize I ACTUALLY am not a good wife. My husband could've said,
You are lazy to _____ (cook/ wash clothes/ sweep and mop the floor/ press my clothes/ fold clothes)
When you cook, it tastes awful.
You always cook the same meals over and over again.
You always yell at me.
You rarely visit my parents.
You are not a good Muslim.
You are a stubborn wife.
You have a bad temper.
You are demanding.
etc.

But he did not.
So, yeay, husband!
Bliss.

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We don't have a TV in our room. It's in the living room. Sometimes, or more accurately, most of the times, we fall asleep in the living room. My husband usually sleeps earlier.

His body is like a buffet spread for the mosquitoes. I pun pelik. The mosquitoes don't attack me, even though I leave my skin exposed for them to feast on.

Instead of trying to watch TV programmes, I am always distracted to save my husband from the tiny monsters. Hinggap dekat tapak kaki, hinggap dekat his nose bridge, terbang-terbang dekat his hair...Ada tu sampai syok sangat hisap darah, I easily kill them.

The mosquitoes are simply attracted to my husband, I don't understand!

Sometimes, my husband complaints, "Banyaknya nyamuk!" but I couldn't agree because I don't feel it. He wants to spray Ridsect, but I said No because I am pregnant. We bought the natural repellent, but that don't work too well.

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My husband and I were in the elevator. Sekali ada lipas dalam tu. Shocked, I screamed! Memang traumatised lah, now I can imagine being stuck in a small space with a cockroach which can enter your body cavities. Eeekk!!!

Did I ever tell you I don't like cicak, lipas and creepy crawlies?

Lepas tu, my husband stepped on it- dead.

Me: Abang! You tak boleh bunuh binatang lah, nanti terkenan!
Husband: Eh, tu kalau haiwan macam kucing ke, anjing ke...Lipas tak kira...

Then, I thought about all the mosquitoes I had killed.
I won't stop killing the mosquitoes though. I get some kind of satisfaction. I collect the deceased and hope the others would be scared of the consequences.

But I guess their brains are too small to develop cause and effect thinking.

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Not all my clients are horrible. Some of them are polite and sweet. Only a handful who are crazy. But I tend to remember and talk about the crazy ones. Who doesn't?

Usually, I really hate the self-proclaim VIPs. They are the worst. Padahal a mere commoner je. But just because they know so and so, jadi besar kepala pulak. Selalu guna ayat, "Saya kenal so and so, jangan ingat saya orang biasa!" (tapi dia memang orang biasa) or "Saya punya jiran punya makcik punya menantu kerja sebagai tukang kebun so and so." Haha! Tapi so and so (the VIP), would sometimes suddenly berjiwa rakyat and meddle!

Some actual VIPs abuse the power and use it all the time! That's annoying too. Especially when nobody dares to go against them, my bosses included. Semua tunduk je...

Some VIPs and some VVIPs are very humble. I like this type. They are quiet, they don't ask too much, as if they know everything, they don't make you uncomfortable, they don't call you up personally and ask personal favours (like we don't have anything else to do) and they don't make scenes. There's still hope, people!

Some are really sad cases that make me cry. They are really poor and whenever I see these people, I am not only glad with what I have, I am also very glad that I don't own too much. How could I live with the fact that I have this much, while other people suffer.

Please donate more to the needy.

Ada 5 orang adik beradik. The eldest is just 15 years old. The youngest being 5 years old. Recently yatim piatu. Nak suruh  pakcik yang bela. Tapi pakcik pun miskin. Pakcik kerja siang. Jadi budak-budak ditinggalkan saja di rumah. I don't know how's the future for them will be like.

Ada satu keluarga. The only one who works is the eldest boy, serving the army. Bapa kena stroke. Mak kerja jual kuih. Yang tinggal dekat rumah jaga bapa is the 14 year-old. First of all, how much can you expect from a 14 year-old taking care a stroke man? Dia pergi mainlah. Second of all, because he was assigned to take care of his father, so, dia tak pergi sekolah lah!
I wonder, what is the minimum qualification to be in the army. Do they accept PMR holders?

Ada 5 orang adik-beradik. Parents dah separate. Mak baru meninggal. Yang paling tua umur 24 tahun, bekerja sebagai buruh. Adik paling kecik umur 6 tahun. Tengok rupa dan pakaian pun I dah tahu betapa daif nya mereka ni. Sedih tau.

Ada pakcik tua. Miskin sebab asyik kena kikis dengan anak penagih dadah. Nangis nangis dia cerita.

Ada pakcik tua, Anak dia penghidap HIV yang sedang sakit tenat. Tapi sangat terharu tengok cara pakcik tu jaga anak dia. Punyalah macam menatang minyak yang penuh. Padahal I am sure anak dia tu banyak dosa dengan pakcik tu. At first, I thought, how could you still manjakan this boy who disappointed you? Tapi in the end, I yang jeles because I know that boy will eventually die in his father's redha.

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Fine. Syukur.