Me: Auww...Sakit belakanglah...Rasa macam dah taknak pregnant dah...
Colleague: Awak dah berapa bulan?
Me: 24 weeks.
Colleague: Saya yang 32 weeks ni lagilah rasa sakit! Nak bangun tidur pun susah...

I feel you...I have started to experience the discomfort of pregnancy especially at my tailbone area. Firstly, I can't lie down in any position I wish, it has to be precise. Finding the precise position is hard and may take hours. And if I found the position I am finally comfortable with, I can't lie down for too long in that position!

Ayoyo...

Last Thursday, I suddenly felt annoyed. Like, really, annoyed, not really sure why, must be the crazy hormones. My husband fetched me from work.

Husband: Yang, nak makan?
Me: Taknak!
Husband: Nak jalan-jalan?
Me: Taknakkkk! I nak gunting rambut! (Annoyed, much)
Husband: Okay...Nak gunting dekat mana?
Me: Mana I tau! Ni bukan tempat I!
Husband: Kita pergi Tesco nak?
Me: Taknak!!! Kan I dah cakap I tak suka tempat tu!
Husband: Habis, nak pergi mana...?
Me: Nak pergi Seng Heng!
Husband: Okay.
Me: Nak pergi dekat Pizza Hut!
Husband: Nak makan pizza?
Me: Bukan!!! Nak pergi kedai gunting rambut dekat Pizza Hut!
Husband: Kedai mana, yang? Abang tak tau...
Me: Pergi je lah!

It was my first time at the saloon. I was very happy with the service and my new haircut. I now have short hair! I felt pretty and it lifted up my mood.

At home,

Me: Abang, tadi I rasa marah. Tapi lepas I gunting rambut, I rasa happy! (Flipped my hair ala Vidal Sassoon Ad)

My husband laughed.

"Thank you, Abang, sebab belanja I gunting rambut," I said, as I hugged him.
I think it's important to show gratitude, especially to the people you love. You tend to forget them the most.

As for me, I actually want to thank my husband for his patience, for putting up with his crazy wife. Tapi tak terkata lah pulak, so thank you for the haircut pun jadilah...Hehehe...

Seriously, I really I can be psychotic sometimes. If I were able to split myself, or, if I were a guy and I got to meet a girl like me, I'd be thinking, "Gilalah perempuan ni! Kalau muka kau cantik, tak apalah jugak!" Yup, definitely something I would say.



Tadi pulak, macam biasa, I was unhappy at work.

My husband ni, macam tau-tau pulak. He called to ask me out for lunch. I protested when he wanted to bring me to eat this type of food that he likes (come on, we've eaten it twice in a week, already!), so we detoured and stopped at this little stall by the road. Simple je, makan nasi dengan sup.

And then he brought me to survey for a gold bracelet.  Husband I cakap, harga emas tengah murah sekarang ni (and it's also all over Facebook, haha). But it was hard to find a parking spot. I was not in the mood, so I said, "Tak apalah, Abang, lain kali pun tak apa..."

But my husband said, "Kita try pusing sekali lagi, kalau tak ada, kita balik."
Rezeki, ada parkinglah pulak...

We bought the bracelet at the first and only shop we entered. Speed shopping during lunch hour, you...Bertuah dapat isteri yang tak cerewet macam I ni...

I returned to my workplace, and tadaaa...More annoyance! At 4.30pm, I received a call ordering me to do a very last minute job. I had to stay back late and continue working at home. (Just finished now)

I called my husband to fetch me. I had a feeling I would vomit my annoyance/ anger on him, but then I reminded myself I need to be sincere in my work. While waiting for him, I thought of how this bracelet can't make me happy. My husband has been so sweet to me, it's unfair for me to make him my dumping ground. Kesian dia...

Nak jadi bidadari di syurga kena selalu senyum senyum depan suami...

Me: Abang! I was unhappy at work! I could only smile after I see youuuu...Just now, I was like this :( but after I saw you, I'm like this :) And after I see my new bracelet, I am like this :D
Husband: Hahahaha! Cantiknya gelang awak tu...
Me: Memang cantik pun! Tengoklah siapa yang pakai...

In a way, I'm kinda glad that seeing my husband's face can make me smile.
Nanti ada baby, lagi I nak senyum luas luas!

Oh, writing this reminds me: Must ask husband the reason he is buying me a bracelet. He's already asleep now. Are we celebrating a special occasion or something?



My husband is not a romantic person. Sometimes, I force him to open the car door for me by sitting in the car until he has to come to my side and open the door for me. Or else, I won't be getting out of the car.

Sekarang, dia dah pandai sikit. Kalau dia teringat, he will open the car door for me (when we are outside about to enter the car).

This happened a few months ago. He fetched me from work. When he saw me, he got out of the car.

I thought, "Wow, sweetnya husband I ni...He's going to open the car door for me in front of these people!"

Instead, he threw his candy wrapper (rubbish) in the thrash can and returned to his driver seat, leaving me just standing there.

I was stunned for a while but didn't want to make a scene, so I went into the car (I opened the car door myself). I couldn't help myself but burst out laughing, I can't believe my husband is so oblivious, he just did what he did!

Me: Abang! I mati-mati ingatkan you keluar kereta tadi sebab nak bukakan pintu kereta untuk I! Rupa-rupanya you nak buang sampah!

Realizing how silly he had been, he laughed too.

Me: Teruklah you ni! Tak romantic langsung! Terkejut I tau...Sampai I kaku kejap tengok perangai you ni! Abang, why you so funny!

Lepas tu, husband I malu sendiri lah...
Hahaha!



Sebenarnya kan, kadang-kadang I takut if I love my husband more than he loves me. Anything can happen kan...

My friend celebrated her parents 30th anniversary. I tried to think where we will be in 28 years time. Wow, we'll be like, old, and probably exceeding the average life expectancy of a Malaysian individual. Siapa suruh kahwin lambat.

Then, I jadi sedih just thinking about how we  might not be able to live together for that long.

Crazy.

I received a string of bad news all at once, that I became depressed for 3 days straight. Finally, the weekend came by and my dear husband surprised me and said, "Lets go to Cameron Highland." I was very excited. The trip was short but it was what I needed to lift up my mood. I was there for 2 days and 1 night, mostly eating whatever I feel like eating. I had to remind my husband that he must buy me flowers. Hish, laki ni, itu pun nak kena disuruh tau...!

Feeling, feeling romantic gitu...But the journey back was torture. It was so obvious my smile had been turned upside down. My heart just dropped.

Hmm...

I hate to use my husband's pendrive. He got it from his brother but benda tu tak suci langsung. One day, I was so annoyed and angry with it, I smashed it to pieces. Coincidentally, there was a pop-up booth at my workplace selling thumbdrives, so I kindly got him a new, cuter one.

 

Comel takkkkk???

One day, my husband called me up, "Yang, mana strawberry abang?"
Strawberry mana pulak ni? I tau kita baru balik Cameron Highland, beli strawberry, but kita share strawberry tu, and the strawberries are always in the fridge.

Me: Ha? Strawberry abang?
Husband: Haa...Ye lah...Pendrive yang you belikan tu...Mana dia?
Me: Abang! Itu bukan strawberry, itu Spiderman!

OMG! Hahahaha...!
Suami I ni memang confirm mata keyro...
You guys tau tak mata keyro tu apa? I tak tau lah the exact spelling macam mana, but my husband ni memang habit dia, kalau benda depan mata, dia tak nampak. Kalau Arwah bapa I dulu, dia cakap, "Haa...Mata tu letak kat bontot ke!"

Seriously, kalau cari parking ke, jangan lah bagi dia cari seorang, confirm tak akan jumpa punya, padahal ada je...

Spiderman vs strawberry

Speaking of strawberries, I've recently discovered the joy of frozen strawberries. Biasalah, bila tamak beli strawberry, tapi bila sampai rumah macam dah tak cantik pulak. Cepat-cepat frozen kan, so tahan lama. Crunchy pulak tu bila makan...Nyum...

I am all okay now. Mother and her entourage (my aunts) came to visit. That was fun. Diorang borong pemanggang ajaib, sampai I pun terpengaruh, Tapi tak testing lagi tu, betul ke ajaib?

I also manage to settle a debt, thanx to my husband sebab banyak tolong (tapi I pun tolong dia banyak jugak!). Lega sikit. So sekarang ni, kena concentrate on my study debt je, which is, banyakkkk lagi tu...And also, probably in the future, I want to buy my own house, then my life would be complete.

That's the beauty of God's plans. I got bad news, but rupa-rupanya rezeki I is to be able to settle a debt. Quite an achievement, eh?

My boss used to preach on how it is more peaceful when you are debt-free. Boss I kan ala-ala ustadz gitu...So he said, the best Hajj he had ever been to was when he went there without a debt. Masa tu, dia dah habis bayar rumah, kereta, dengan gaji bibik sekali dia dah set aside.

Which I think is kinda true lah...Like, sometimes, it doesn't make sense to buy expensive things when you have debts. And, apa guna duit banyak-banyak dalam bank, dalam ASB, ASN, etc, but you delay-delay bayar hutang kan. Gunalah to langsaikan hutang tu, then you'll know where you stand, whether you can afford something or not. But I do agree, if we want to wait until we accumulate enough money, it may take forever, but in that case, fine, take whatever loan you need, just that, I encourage people to pay their debts early especially when they can, instead of spending on other things.

And please, please don't take more than what you deserve. Contohnya, duit BR1M tu, kalau dah tak layak nak dapat, kenapa masih ambil juga? Itu kan hak orang-orang yang kurang mampu...

Baby has started to kick. My body is becoming heavier and heavier. I have less energy. Nak mandi pun I prefer to sit on a stool. Sebab I ni mandi lama...Hehehe...Kadang-kadang I suruh husband I mandikan, tapi beliau tu tak romantic...Dia scrub-scrub badan I pastu dah. Takde pun adegan lain...

Tapi bagus jugak mandi sambil duduk ni. Sekarang ni kan musim panas. I ni jenis malas nak adjust adjust water heater tu, so bila duduk, air tu bearable lah, sejuk sikit...Lepas tu, ada satu time ni, I ter slip and jatuh ke lantai sebab licin. Nasib baik I was on a stool, so the impact wasn't too great. But drama mesti adaaaa...Hahaha...

My husband was asleep, so I pun, "Abang! I jatuh...!" Hah, terus bangun to check me out like a superhero. Barulah rasa disayangi...Hehehe...

I am still working like usual. Perhaps, too much that I felt like I was leaking. But it was only that one time that it occurred. But, boy, was I anxious. I asked around, my colleague said I should wear a pad to confirm. It was dry. But two days after, my baby became less active, so I quickly went to see a doctor to do a check-up. All sorts of things went through my mind, risaunya yang amat. After Mommy had been reassured that everything was okay...Barulah I sedar, inikah namanya a Mother's instinct? I am already a Mother to my unborn child, OMG, how wild is that! Dalam perut pun dah buat Mommy risau ni...

Gender is still unknown sebab baby mengepit je kerja...

I still haven't bought anything for the baby. Teruk kan? Setakat survey sikit-sikit je...Actually, I didn't even survey. I tengok orang guna, I pun nak juga. Basically, I am just a copycat. You guys should really put up more things up on your blogs so I can copy, okay...Teruk betul. Bila I baca blog orang-orang yang, you know, research habis-habisan, buat I rasa rendah diri je...

Untuk diri sendiri pun I tak beli! Still wearing the same clothes. Some might say I choose the approach of flaunting my belly, but no...The truth is, I can't find nice maternity clothes lah!

Tak apa, jangan compare dengan orang lain. What I know

- I nak sedaya upaya breastfeed my baby, at least 3 months (during my maternity leave)
- I tanak beli stroller dulu. Yang penting, I nak babysling tu.
- I tak kesahlah I ni bersalin biasa je, bersalin dengan epidural ke, bersalin operation ke, yang penting baby okay. Depending on how my body could take it. Siapa kata bersalin operate tu takde rasa sakit melahirkan? Walaupun masa baby keluar tu tak rasa sakit, tapi nak jaga luka jahitan tu tetap sakit...Tak kisah bersalin apa-apa cara sekalipun, ia tetap sakit bersalin, dan tetap sakit bertarung nyawa!
- Dan yang paling penting, I believe in vaccination and no doubt in my mind I will vaccinate my baby. Haaa...Yang ini I research sikit-sikit. Hehe.

Pasal berpantang, tak fikir lagi. My husband's friend's mother could give a contact to a Makcik berpantang. According to her, she will take care of you and the baby (including cooking, massage, bathing, etc) for one month, for RM2000.

I was like, "Hoi, mahalnya!"
My husband boleh backing Makcik tu, "Eh, dia buat semuaaa...Okaylah tu!"

Tak payah fikir panjang-panjang, I immediately rejected his idea. "First of all," I said, "I nak mandikan anak I sendiri. Kenapa nak bagi orang mandikan pulak? I nak bonding dengan baby I!" Chewaahh...Mommy is very protective haaa...

Secondly, I don't want a stranger in my house for a month, touching my body, she might even touch my husband too. Kang tiba-tiba jadi meroyan pulak kang...Paranoid nye Miss Ectopy ni!

(Cakap besar sekarang, tengok-tengok nanti, tak larat nak handle sorang-sorang)

And...RM2000 tu mahal lah!

We can manage...We are not fancy people, we don't need fancy stuff...

Last but not least...Korang baca tak blog http://www.crappypictures.com
I dah khatam dah...!

Okay, cerita dah panjang dah. Bye.

Since being pregnant, I have had my fair shares of outbursts.

Like the time when my husband was busy for a month. Well, he promised it would only take one whole month (weekends included), but then, it got extended to two more weeks. I was very patient and supportive at first, but one night, he came home late, so I cried and cried like a baby. I really felt like I was being neglected. But, me being me, I am easy to console. Within minutes of coaxing, I was able to smile again.

Plus, my husband was sweet, I couldn't stay mad at him and...It was probably one of the mengada-ngada thing going on.

Today, I broke down again. The difference is, I am really sad about it. Not just because I am pregnant and needing the attention.

I was actually attending a course. Tuh lah, siapa suruh gatal tangan pergi online masa tengah kursus kan. I received good news actually. The only probably was: me not being the recipient. As much as I am happy for my friends, but I am also equally sad for my own self.

So far, for the past few months or so (or was it a year?), whenever I feel depressed and decide to write it down in this blog, it is always related to the same matter.

I am so weak. I thought about it for a while, and I started to have blurry vision from the tears pooling in my eyes. While listening to the presentations! I had to pretend cough, and wipe off the tears. The course finally ended, and I still cried while walking.

I told my husband about it. As usual, he never really gets why I want this so much. Balik rumah, tulis blog lah. Heh.

So, this is what failure tastes like. This is what rejection feels like.

Not that I am saying I never failed before. Sure, I have failed in exams and such before, but no biggie, nothing that will affect my life much. But this is something I really want. I really need. This should be my stepping stone.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I need to fail to succeed. You and I can tell myself all these feel good quotes. But just let me have a space to mourn. I feel sick just thinking about it.

I feel like I am being left behind. Sure, you can argue there are many others in the same boat. "There will be another opportunity," my husband said. But within my circle of friends, among those who are close to me, I am behind. This is not a race, you'd say. But it is important to me. Even if it was a race, it isn't over yet, you are still in it, you'd day. But I am just still at the starting line.

And I have no other than myself to blame. And my husband, of course. Kesian, my husband. Such a sweet man, tapi selalu menjadi mangsa I. Hehe. (See, I am just writing Hehe so I wouldn't cry at this moment, but I still do)

This is the price to pay for being ambitious. I am not comfortable to be comfortable at where I am right now. Do you get it? This can never be enough for me, it's just my nature.

Okay, stop. This is becoming too depressing.

Instead of dwelling, why don't I talk about random things!

(It's funny how I still tend to conceal my emotions even when I am writing anonymously)

-----
Anyway,

I still haven't felt my baby kicks yet. Well, sometimes I feel very subtle movements in my tummy, but I am not sure. Or is it because my baby is a girl, that's why the baby is so shy and polite? But we really want a boy our my first! Just because there are already too many girls around in my family! Haha.

-----

A few months ago, I tested my husband and asked him, "Abang, am I a good wife? Do you think I am good wife?"

I was preparing for the worst, but he simply said, "Yes, you are a good wife, I love you," without hesitation.

He still doesn't know how happy I am to hear those words.

Deep down, I realize I ACTUALLY am not a good wife. My husband could've said,
You are lazy to _____ (cook/ wash clothes/ sweep and mop the floor/ press my clothes/ fold clothes)
When you cook, it tastes awful.
You always cook the same meals over and over again.
You always yell at me.
You rarely visit my parents.
You are not a good Muslim.
You are a stubborn wife.
You have a bad temper.
You are demanding.
etc.

But he did not.
So, yeay, husband!
Bliss.

-----

We don't have a TV in our room. It's in the living room. Sometimes, or more accurately, most of the times, we fall asleep in the living room. My husband usually sleeps earlier.

His body is like a buffet spread for the mosquitoes. I pun pelik. The mosquitoes don't attack me, even though I leave my skin exposed for them to feast on.

Instead of trying to watch TV programmes, I am always distracted to save my husband from the tiny monsters. Hinggap dekat tapak kaki, hinggap dekat his nose bridge, terbang-terbang dekat his hair...Ada tu sampai syok sangat hisap darah, I easily kill them.

The mosquitoes are simply attracted to my husband, I don't understand!

Sometimes, my husband complaints, "Banyaknya nyamuk!" but I couldn't agree because I don't feel it. He wants to spray Ridsect, but I said No because I am pregnant. We bought the natural repellent, but that don't work too well.

-----

My husband and I were in the elevator. Sekali ada lipas dalam tu. Shocked, I screamed! Memang traumatised lah, now I can imagine being stuck in a small space with a cockroach which can enter your body cavities. Eeekk!!!

Did I ever tell you I don't like cicak, lipas and creepy crawlies?

Lepas tu, my husband stepped on it- dead.

Me: Abang! You tak boleh bunuh binatang lah, nanti terkenan!
Husband: Eh, tu kalau haiwan macam kucing ke, anjing ke...Lipas tak kira...

Then, I thought about all the mosquitoes I had killed.
I won't stop killing the mosquitoes though. I get some kind of satisfaction. I collect the deceased and hope the others would be scared of the consequences.

But I guess their brains are too small to develop cause and effect thinking.

-----

Not all my clients are horrible. Some of them are polite and sweet. Only a handful who are crazy. But I tend to remember and talk about the crazy ones. Who doesn't?

Usually, I really hate the self-proclaim VIPs. They are the worst. Padahal a mere commoner je. But just because they know so and so, jadi besar kepala pulak. Selalu guna ayat, "Saya kenal so and so, jangan ingat saya orang biasa!" (tapi dia memang orang biasa) or "Saya punya jiran punya makcik punya menantu kerja sebagai tukang kebun so and so." Haha! Tapi so and so (the VIP), would sometimes suddenly berjiwa rakyat and meddle!

Some actual VIPs abuse the power and use it all the time! That's annoying too. Especially when nobody dares to go against them, my bosses included. Semua tunduk je...

Some VIPs and some VVIPs are very humble. I like this type. They are quiet, they don't ask too much, as if they know everything, they don't make you uncomfortable, they don't call you up personally and ask personal favours (like we don't have anything else to do) and they don't make scenes. There's still hope, people!

Some are really sad cases that make me cry. They are really poor and whenever I see these people, I am not only glad with what I have, I am also very glad that I don't own too much. How could I live with the fact that I have this much, while other people suffer.

Please donate more to the needy.

Ada 5 orang adik beradik. The eldest is just 15 years old. The youngest being 5 years old. Recently yatim piatu. Nak suruh  pakcik yang bela. Tapi pakcik pun miskin. Pakcik kerja siang. Jadi budak-budak ditinggalkan saja di rumah. I don't know how's the future for them will be like.

Ada satu keluarga. The only one who works is the eldest boy, serving the army. Bapa kena stroke. Mak kerja jual kuih. Yang tinggal dekat rumah jaga bapa is the 14 year-old. First of all, how much can you expect from a 14 year-old taking care a stroke man? Dia pergi mainlah. Second of all, because he was assigned to take care of his father, so, dia tak pergi sekolah lah!
I wonder, what is the minimum qualification to be in the army. Do they accept PMR holders?

Ada 5 orang adik-beradik. Parents dah separate. Mak baru meninggal. Yang paling tua umur 24 tahun, bekerja sebagai buruh. Adik paling kecik umur 6 tahun. Tengok rupa dan pakaian pun I dah tahu betapa daif nya mereka ni. Sedih tau.

Ada pakcik tua. Miskin sebab asyik kena kikis dengan anak penagih dadah. Nangis nangis dia cerita.

Ada pakcik tua, Anak dia penghidap HIV yang sedang sakit tenat. Tapi sangat terharu tengok cara pakcik tu jaga anak dia. Punyalah macam menatang minyak yang penuh. Padahal I am sure anak dia tu banyak dosa dengan pakcik tu. At first, I thought, how could you still manjakan this boy who disappointed you? Tapi in the end, I yang jeles because I know that boy will eventually die in his father's redha.

-----

Fine. Syukur.