A few weeks ago, when I had no Internet, I cried so much.
I think I hadn't cried that much since my last break-up.
I wanted something so badly, but then I found out that I didn't get it, through a friend.
Which was 10 times worse because I was so ashamed and disappointed in myself.
Actually, I didn't expect to react in such a way, but it was immediate. It was like blood shooting up my head, I needed to sit down. I distracted myself by doing work but as soon as my thoughts were back to that thing, I broke down.
I was almost unable to control myself that I needed to go home during lunch hour and cried myself to sleep.
My husband, he didn't understand the impact on me. He was supportive, but not as much as I wanted him to be.
He knew I was so upset because at night, I cuddled in his arms and said nothing but cried. He only realized how much I had wanted it when he saw how hurt I was not to get it.
It also bruised my confidence. I had to say how much I worth out loud, just because I thought it would probably help.
"I never failed in my life."
"I am smart but why didn't I get it."
"I always get what I want."
"It's not fair."
"This has never happened to me."
I didn't take it well.
The next day, it was fated that one of my good friends, Reza, called me.
He asked how I was doing and all the normal stuff friends ask. I had a good time chatting and catching up with him. Suddenly, it wasn't so bad at all.
We are good friends for years and years. I remember during the early days of our friendship, whenever he was upset, I would judge his situation and give him a time limit for his depression, depending on the severity. He would reciprocate the gesture when I was upset.
"Okay...Your problem takde lah teruk sangat...So, I bagi you tiga hari untuk you berkabung, okay! Lepas tu you kena forget about it and move on! Jom, kita pergi beli kek."
When he called me, I was reminded of the time when we used to encourage each other. I didn't tell him I was majorly sad, but I know that it did not worth more than one day of crying.
My time will come, as God has better plans for me.
5 hours ago