A few weeks ago, when I had no Internet, I cried so much.

I think I hadn't cried that much since my last break-up.

I wanted something so badly, but then I found out that I didn't get it, through a friend.
Which was 10 times worse because I was so ashamed and disappointed in myself.

Actually, I didn't expect to react in such a way, but it was immediate. It was like blood shooting up my head, I needed to sit down. I distracted myself by doing work but as soon as my thoughts were back to that thing, I broke down.

I was almost unable to control myself that I needed to go home during lunch hour and cried myself to sleep.

My husband, he didn't understand the impact on me. He was supportive, but not as much as I wanted him to be.

He knew I was so upset because at night, I cuddled in his arms and said nothing but cried. He only realized how much I had wanted it when he saw how hurt I was not to get it.

It also bruised my confidence. I had to say how much I worth out loud, just because I thought it would probably help.
"I never failed in my life."
"I am smart but why didn't I get it."
"I always get what I want."
"It's not fair."
"This has never happened to me."

I didn't take it well.

The next day, it was fated that one of my good friends, Reza, called me.

He asked how I was doing and all the normal stuff friends ask. I had a good time chatting and catching up with him. Suddenly, it wasn't so bad at all.

We are good friends for years and years. I remember during the early days of our friendship, whenever he was upset, I would judge his situation and give him a time limit for his depression, depending on the severity. He would reciprocate the gesture when I was upset.

"Okay...Your problem takde lah teruk sangat...So, I bagi you tiga hari untuk you berkabung, okay! Lepas tu you kena forget about it and move on! Jom, kita pergi beli kek."

When he called me, I was reminded of the time when we used to encourage each other. I didn't tell him I was majorly sad, but I know that it did not worth more than one day of crying.

My time will come, as God has better plans for me.

Yesterday, we went house hunting. I ni kan perempuan yang over dan mengada-ngada, so I told my husband that I want a big house! A bungalow or a semi-D. If he couldn't afford it, "I bagi you diskaun," I said. "I nak penthouse dua tingkat!"

Of course I talked like I had 4 children and my husband earned millions...

Location pulak nak yang best-best je.

Kesianlah dapat isteri demanding macam ni...

Then, we watched a movie- Universal Soldier.

I don't like, don't watch it. It reminded me of the film Saw, ganas macam tu, but at least Saw has a good plot. Universal Soldier ni macam tah apa-apa. Tembak sana sini je sampai pecah kepala.

Then I had a nightmare.

Was dreaming that I lived in a big, nice house. Went outside for a little while to get something that I left in the car. Saw a figure and knew right away something was wrong. Before doing anything heroic, mengucap dulu, (sebab takut mati) saw a gun pointed at me, so I ran. The gun was fired, then he grabbed me. I only had RM3 at that time, he was not happy. Mesti dia ingat duduk rumah besar, duit kena banyak. Shouted at my family but he got me and had the gun at my head.

Lepas tu I woke up. Ni semua pengaruh Universal Soldier lah ni!

Lepas tu sempat lagi fikir-fikir before falling asleep again, if it did really occur in the real life, I really hope I mengucap dulu before I died.

I dah habis dah main Bubble Shooter ni on my phone. Puzzle ada 99 levels, Arcade ada 99 levels. Finished them all within 3 weeks.

Memang tak ada kerja kan...

I want to tell you guys what happened after I cleared all the levels.

I felt contented, macam puas, like I had achieved a goal.
But the feeling lasted for a while only.
After that, I felt lost, like- Lepas ni buka phone nak main apa pulak! What is my purpose! I already have it all!

Have you had those kind of feelings? Can you understand me?

Then I asked my husband, "Abang, apa perasaan orang yang dah ada segala-galanya? Is this how it feels?" Macam tak best je...Like, lepas ni nak buat apa?

So, my husband answered my question, "Dalam dunia ni, tak ada orang pun yang ada segala-galanya..."

I was thinking, "What...!!! Then why do we work so hard to achieve something that we can never get!!!"

Me: Kalau macam tu, I nak kerja sampai bila? What's the point of working if I can never have it all?

And...Of course I know the answer.

Manusia ni memang tak pernah puas.
You can only feel contented, if you stop chasing the world.

Back to basic, you guys, back to the basic.

Hello internet!

Fuh, I miss writing so much. My internet provider sucks, I tried to fix my USB broadband but no stock available in the town where I work. Then, I tried to terminate the line and get a new one, but the person in charge said I can only do that once I return my USB broadband in perfect condition. Of course I couldn't do so because they have no stock!

Idiot! I wanted to write a complaint letter but I don't like typing using my phone, my sentences sound retarded. Tak ada feel gitu.

Won't use the internet at work for anything else than work, or when it is really really necessary (eg: printing my boarding pass) and I do that only with permission.

Anyway, I am back in Klang Valley for a few days, hoorah!

Gonna fix my problem and give them a piece of my mind. Do they expect me to pay even when I can't go online for almost a month just because they don't have stock to replace my broken USB broadband? Hell, no!

Inhale, exhale.

So, I am dying to write about this secret of mine- which will be no longer be a secret after I write it down, haha, but it's okay because you don't know me!

I used to work frequently with my one of my bosses. Once, he became the person whom I would consult my cases with. Sikit-sikit I would call him. However, our relationship never evolves. Because my boss is very serious! And he is also very baik masyaAllah, sejuk perut ibu mengandung!

One of my colleagues, Marina, has a crush on him for 4 years! She thinks he's good looking. If he was not married, Marina would definitely try to marry him. Haha.

Well, as much as I admire his attitude, I don't think he's good looking lah okay. To me, he is short and very, very average looking, not my type. I never had a crush on him. But because of his amazingly good manners, I have always hoped that if I had son, he would be named after him and possess positive values.

I like boss' name because it's simple, I don't know anybody else with that name, and look at my boss, you can hardly find any faults about him!

It would be so weird if I had a crush on him, then name my child after him. Macam nak rogol anak je...Seriously, I don't understand with people who name their children after someone who they had history with. Gile ke ape...

I am probably over praising my boss. I don't even know him that well. We never borak-borak. My boss is not the type who would borak-borak kosong. He is so serious and soft-spoken. Very humble and kind. Everything is strictly about work.

If he was unhappy, you can tell by the intonation of his voice. But he does this once in a blue moon. One time, he was unhappy and I think he was an angry with me tak tentu pasal, terus I terasa lebih-lebih pulak. Then, I texted my husband to tell him that I cancelled his name for my child. Haha, sungguhlah aku emo time tu. Lepas tu my husband reply balik, "Okay, nama dia tu tak sedap pun!" Dapat pulak husband yang supportive. Haha.

It is my boss' habit to say nice things, which sometimes menusuk jiwa zap zap zap, like, "InsyaAllah, makcik, InsyaAllah..." when explaining to Makcik, "Bismillah..." before starting any procedure, "Lillahi taala," when, I don't know when but I heard him say this when he successfully did something difficult. If I assist him, no matter how insignificant my work, he would praise me and our clients, "Good...Good..." and he always say 'Thank you' when we are the ones who should thank him!

Sejuk perut ibu mengandung!

I worked with him for four months before moving to another project with different bosses, and it's been 6 months since I stop working with him directly. There are times when I still need to consult him but it has become infrequent.

My secret is...

I dreamt that we were married, OMG!

Me and him are like night and day. I ni dengan tak pakai tudung lagi, dengan sikap kasar lagi, my boss tu pulak alim and baik gile...

Dalam mimpi tu, my boss siap hide me from his parents lagi. Haha. Sabar je lah aku.

Tapi masalahnye...Now when I see him at work, I pulak yang nak ter blushing. Awkward. Hish, damn you mainan syaitan!

This is a secret because I couldn't tell my husband.

Tak boleh ke mimpi kahwin dengan some celebrity ke...