It took me long, after years of living, to realize that I probably am possessive over my friends.
Do you remember my latest acquired male best friend, lets name him Kasim this time around?
Without actually realizing it, it has been almost a year since the first day I met him. Sometimes, we still joke how came to my house for Hari Raya, and got a shock when he found out my 'brother' was actually my boyfriend.
Well, we are becoming closer and closer, and somehow, he is also well-accepted by my little group of friends (I think by now, he has known each and every one of them with bits of their history which I provide from time to time to facilitate him to know who's who).
Little did I know that I would be bothered when his bond with my friend, Rokiah, blossomed.
I know I sound childish, I keep brushing off the uneasy feeling, but I couldn't help but feel- disapproving their relationship.
Which then led to the questions:
1) Am I in love with him?
2) Is this what we call jealousy?
3) Why the hell would I be jealous?!
I remember when a close friend of mine asked me, "If you haven't met your boyfriend, would you go for him?"
My answer was, "No. Because he is just a friend. Like a fun brother. He reminds me of Rashid."
Rashid is my other close, long-time male friend who lives far, far away that I seldom get to see him, but when we do, we do lots of fun things together and we would talk and talk non-stop. For the matter of fact, I am due to see him in a month or two, and we can't wait to have our yearly vacation! (Oh, he is so not gay, in case you are wondering)
Because of this mix feeling I am having, I had to talk about it to someone. So, I chose someone outside from the group, Lizzie. Lizzie, Kasim and I do spend a lot of time together. All the three of us have known each other at about the same time and then, we hit it off nicely (although not, initially-- long story).
Me: Do you think I am childish?
Lizzie: Are they going out?
Me: No. But I don't know why I am feeling like this! Because Kasim is my friend first. Why can't Rokiah find her own friend? And Rokiah should consult to me, if anything, not to Kasim! And how come they are going out together when I am working? I know Rokiah. She never visits me. But when suddenly Kasim suggested to bring her to see me, she jumped into the opportunity, even though she is working tomorrow! It's nice for them to visit me, she said she came by because she missed me, but I think, Rokiah did that just so she could spend more time with Kasim! Am I bad for thinking this way? I shouldn't think like this. Both of them are my good friends! And it is so nice of them to visit me and bring me food. Why do I feel like this? I don't like this feeling. It's not that I like Kasim, I mean, I have my own boyfriend, but they just can't!
Lizzie listened attentively. I thought she would have laughed, but she didn't.
Lizzie: I understand. I used to feel like this as well. And you know what I did, I am now not close to neither one of them.
Me: Oh. But I don't want to lose any of them. Am I a bad friend? I don't know why I feel like this, all I know is, I don't like them to be too close! I want Rokiah to find her own friends, and I want Kasim to find a girlfriend on his own.
I got so moody that day.
Over time, I found out that they have been regularly texting each other. As usual, I tried to ignore the feeling. But why? I introduced Rokiah to Rashid too, but Rokiah hasn't been texting him much. And why is it always me who brings new people into our group. Why can't she contibute and stick to her friends instead?
I mean, I don't mind my friends being friends with my other friends, but I should always be the priority. I should always be the closest friend, the first one to be updated if anything, because I know them first! They couldn't and shouldn't skip my role as the person who brought everybody together!
Kasim: Rokiah ajak keluar.
(Aha! Caught again! Why is Rokiah asking us out, by texting him, but not me!)
Kasim: Bila-bila lah yang kita free.
(Trying to ignore the feeling)
(Can't help myself but exploded)
Me: Do you like her?!
Kasim: What! Nooo...Why? Did she ask you to ask me this?!
Me: Nooo...Saja tanya...
Kasim: Why? What made you ask that question?
Me: Takdelah...Saje tanya...
Kasim: Do I look like I'm showing interest in her?
His answers calmed me down a bit. I felt relieved, but only for a while, because- he could be hiding his true feelings.
Nearing my big three-O and I still have friend issues.
9 hours ago