My son bit my nipple in his sleep and it made me cry.

It hurt physically, but it also opened to all the emotions I had bottled up inside of me.

I am no superwoman. For me, it is so difficult to be
- a mother
- a pregnant woman
- a part time student
- a working mom
all at the same time.

And I'm not even doing my duty as a wife since my husband is away most of the time.

What's worse is when you fail in every aspect...

I am a bad mother because my son still doesn't have a regular bedtime at 2 years old plus. I want him to sleep at 10, but he needs his milk before bed, and he only drinks his bottle when he's in Mother's lap- very specific...I can't force Mother to follow my schedule because it is her house and she already helps so much to take care of my son. So, my son and I would usually wait for Mother to come up to the room to serve milk for my son. By then, it is already past his bedtime, and he becomes high and super active! Mother would blame me for not being able to put my son to sleep, and what shall I reply to that?

There's also my 7-year-old niece who would ask my son to play with her before sleep. They sleep together because I'm teaching my son to sleep in a separate room before the baby arrives. Even though my son is already comfortable to sleep without me, but he still needs me to fall asleep, and I waste so much time waiting for him to be tired. An average of 2 hours every single day. I can't imagine how it would be when I have two kids to put to bed.

Sure, I have the maid. Although she wants to be helpful, but she's pretty useless. She cleans the house, yes, but other than that, my son refuses her, especially when I'm around. My maid gets more rest for me, oftentimes she told Mother that she's bored because there's nothing to do. She's not great with the kids, she has kids herself but she just doesn't know how to act silly with the kids. Mother said, no wonder she's able to leave her own kids behind in Indonesia...

I am trying to toilet train my son, but Mother thinks he's too young for it. In my mind, I don't want to train him with the baby later! For the past 2 days, he had only went to the toilet to pee once. Once. He had more accudents than successful attempts. I think it has not been so great because I am the only one who watches him like a hawk. He peed when I was praying, when I was eating, basically when there was nobody to watch him. And tomorrow, the training should be put on a halt because hello, I am working tomorrow...

Let's talk about being pregnant. I needed to the sugar test but it was awful. Blood was withdrawn, I drank 3/4 of the cup, then I gagged and threw up all of it. I have no other choice but to repeat the awful sugar test again!

I am also nauseated every time I take that stupid Obimin pill. I've stopped for 2 days, but then, whenever I feel tired, I am scared it's because of low blood, because the last I checked, my blood was 11.4, but I also feel like crap if I take the Obimin.

With all the things going on, I also have an upcoming exam. The truth is, how can I study when my time is so occupied. Miraculously, I did pass the paper, and for the next one, please let me pass, oh God! I have been depressed for so many times, wanting to quit oh so frequently, but I am still here, calling myself a student. Every day, I feel guilty for not studying, feel inferior because I know less...

I do have seniors and bosses who have made it. They even have twins plus 1kid and become the top scorer of the class. Perhaps, they are geniuses. One of my bosses said I should spend at least 2 hours every day to study. WTF! I don't have 2 hours and I don't even cook or clean. My 2 hours are spent on the road. Another 2 hours spent just to get my son to fall asleep. FML.

What depresses me more is when I know a lot of people my age who are already done and over with it because they stayed overseas. In my heart, I know staying abroad is not a good choice, I may get lost, y'know, I am so prone to that...But in my head, I keep comparing myself to them, because I am a natural competitor, even though I am so tired to compete already...And it's not like I stand a chance of winning...

Now, what a failure I am.

So, tonight, I cried because I feel like a failure. I can't do anything right...

-------

At least I have a great husband and a great life lah, okay...Tu je to compensate my sadness. Hehehe...

Today, a miracle happened in my life.
I am convinced Allah is Maha Baik,
even despite me not being a good servant to Him.
God, please forgive and syukur Alhamdulillah.

A few days ago, I met some friends. We were talking about the good old times.

We were poor so we were always trying to save money, especially when we were travelling.

So, we were on a train in Switzerland. Confirm lah mahal kan...But I was hungry, and the menu was in French. I ended up ordering the cheapest plate. When the plate arrived, I saw 6 little pieces of cheese. No wonder it was cheaper than the rest, it was a cheese plater! And I was still hungry after eating it! So much for 15 euros!

Next, we were in Spain. After finishing our tour, we were brought to a restaurant, we knew it was going to be expensive, but all of us can't say No. So, we ordered the cheapest meal, which turned out to be aubergines with olive oil. I didn't like aubergines but I had to eat something! What an awful meal...But, I do eat aubergines now...

Another incident was at the airport. My friend needed coffee, so she went to Starbucks and ordered the cheapest drink. She was young and innocent. All she got was a very small cup of espresso! She was like, "Betulke ni?"
"You order ape?"
"Espresso."
"Espresso memanglah kecik!"
"Pahitnya!"
To sweeten her espeesso, she put a lot of milk, and ended up drinking the free milk provided instead. Multiple small cups of free milk to quench her thirst.

Kelakar pulak bila fikir balik.

-----

My niece was quarrelling with my son. We were at the dinner table.

Me: Lisa, please share the food!
Niece: No!
Me: Tak baik tau macam tu! Orang tamak selalu...???
Niece: MAKAN!!!

-____-

Me: Orang tamak selalu rugi!!!

It's a shame, I do judge people.

I judge those who drive Proton Wira and Proton Saga as slow drivers. I hate driving behind them. I hate driving behind a Toyota Hilux too. From my observation, they are generally oblivious, ignorant and too proud. Also, driving behind a heavily tinted car is such a pain. They block my view and it's difficult to guess whether I can cut them or not.

I judge other types of people too.

Like, one time, someone mentioned in Facebook that she still have not received the Zakat money meant for her children for school. It was already in the middle of the year. Okay, to me, she should not vent it out so publicly. I was already quite uncomfortable when I read her status. I mean, you ask for help, but you complaint about the helper? Hmm...

Then, a few weeks ago, I found out she is going to re-marry and she was scouting for a place for her wedding. From her status, I assume she managed to book a hall.

Eh, just a few months ago you were claiming to be an asnaf. Now, you get enough money for a dewan meh?

Okay, no judging, perhaps her future husband is rich and is willing to afford their wedding. Hmm...

Oh, since I work quite closely, but not directly, with this type of applicants...

There was this incidence when my boss was flipped to find out that some of the applicants for Zakat are still smoking.

I pun tak tahulah nak bagi respons macam mana.

And, I do judge smokers who in actual reality, could not afford it. Kalau nak rokok, tapi you kaya, I don't mind...Seriously, it's your body.

I judge those who apply for Zakat, but wear nice clothes and demand for first class service. I judge the client I had, whose one of the daughters is a pharmacist and is married to an Oil and Gas engineer, but still asked for Zakat money because, "We just got married." I judge the MAS pensioner, who initially said they can afford RM30k, but suddenly changed their minds saying they can only fork out RM10k, and when Zakat approved of RM10k (instead RM20k), the whole family was so dissatisfied about it...When our job is to inquire about cost, they became very rude, dah lah rude, lepas tu nak suruh rujuk badan kebajikan for another RM10k. Hish!

I judge those who encourage homebirths. I always find those are vocal about their ideas are not the certified experts in that fields. They always act alim but true scholars will never comment on anything outside their knowledge. A scholar of Fiqh, would even refuse to answer questions on Hadith, for example.

I judge my husband's friends who think Selangor is so lucky because the schools get cuti darurat due to haze. WTF?! You think it's fun to breath dirty air? You superficial, ungrateful, narrow minded human!

I judge hardcore pro breastfeeding moms. Kau bukannya doktor yang tahu why some people can't breastfeed, tiba-tiba nak keluar statement condemning those who don't breastfeed. Out of the line! I managed to breastfeed my son for 2 years, itu pun rasa bersyukur dan bertuah. There are many reasons why some people can't breastfeed, cuba be open minded sikit about it.

I judge people who like to share things on social media without doing a background check on the issue (except for charity cases). Some go viral when in actual fact, semua itu adalah palsu! People are vulnerable. And to those who started it, why would you create a false news in the first place?!

I judge the woman who said noone can understand if you've never given births before. Eh, what about maternal instinct? Such an insensitive statement. I remember how hurt I was, because I didn't have a child yet at that time.

I judge those who comment

- Kenapa cakap English, tak cakap Melayu

- Kenapa bagi budak pakai harness macam anjing

- my unemployed, ganja smoking cousin but pura pura alim and talk politics all the time

Yeah, I judge them and many more...I guess I am not a good person yet...

A reminder to myself:

Most people only share their happy stories online. So, don't get too jealous/ upset when you find yourself wondering how the hell do they have such perfect lives?!

Stay positive and stay real.

We have our ups and downs. Tak guna pun nak dwell in self pity. There are certainly so many other things to be thankful for in our lives.