1) Susah eh nak jalan-jalan ada budak kecik ni?

I don't mind nursing in public. It's just that my husband and I can no longer concentrate on our shopping. Tak boleh tenung and fikir lama-lama when deciding which to buy. Baby's sleeping, good, good, now let's get out of here before he wakes up!

2) When Baby KR was born, he was so good, he latched on my breasts without a struggle. I remember when I first realized that my other breast would leak when he nursed. I thought, "Apa basah ni?" Siap tengok ceiling takut-takut ada paip bocor, haha. Oh, ini ke rupa rupanya 'let down'? Didn't last long though. I thought I had enough milk, I even thought of expressing some of my breastmilk and give it to people who can't breastfeed.

One of my earliest mistakes is I didn't express as early as possible.

You see, I was at Mother's house. And Mother's refrigerator is always full! And even if I managed to pump that early, how am I going to take them all back to my current place? Bukannya dekat...I could avoid this problem if I return to my house soon enough, instead of spending my entire confinement period at Mother's place.

So, I began pumping but the result is disappointing. I don't know lah. Is it the breastpump? Am I not pumping frequent enough? Am I doing it wrongly? Is it just me?

Sometimes, I pump up to 6 times per day, but I only managed 6 oz at most, and that, my dear friends, with DOUBLE pumping, 15 minutes each session! They say it will get better as time goes by. Tak ada perubahan besar pun!

At one occasion, after 5 days of trying, I only got drops of breastmilk. Haaa...I got so emotional, I cried, I found reasons to blame my husband, then I covered myself under the duvet and let my husband take charge of the baby for about half an hour. I was that depressed.

Lepas tu, I took Maxolon. Adalah perubahan sikit. I take one per day instead of three times. Takutlah, orang cakap depression is one of the side effects. My fenugreek pills just arrived today, so lets see if it works.

Despite all my work, my menses resumed. What's wrong with my body? I seem to be sending wrong signals to my systems!

So far, he is still being exclusively breastfed. I don't know how long can it last. If I leave for work, from 8am to 5pm, how much breastmilk should I leave him with? 12 oz? I can't produce that much! :(

3) I am quite reluctant to give my baby to my MIL to be taken care of while I am at work. The supposed person changed her mind. I wanted to put my baby in a nursery but my husband doesn't trust the nursery.

I don't know whether my MIL knows how to handle my breastmilk. Orang dulu-dulu mana reti kan...Dahlah her dominant hand is not strong. She is still under physiotherapy treatment. She broke her arm and was advised for surgery, but she refused. Cannot lah cloth diapering macam ni. Plus, she has another grandson to be take care of.

And what if I don't agree with her ways? Kalau dengan orang nursery tu, boleh lah I sound sound direct je.

And with her condition, I don't want her to do extra for me. My MIL is super nice, I know she will cook lah, she will tidy up the house lah, fold the clothes lah, I just know she will okay...It's not that I don't appreciate her kindness, but it will make me feel guilty. And I really want to be a supermom, so I want to do all the work myself. Besides, I have my own way of doing things.

My husband says it is temporary until we find a helper. Harap-harap paling lama pun sebulan je...

4) Now that I am home with my son, I still don't have the time to cook lunch. Pelik kan? Kemas rumah pun jarang-jarang, itupun I have to stretch the hour.

Then, I terfikir, susahnya jadi orang gaji. Kena jaga anak orang. And your boss expects you to cuci baju, sidai baju, lipat baju, kemas rumah, kadang-kadang siap kena masak...Patutlah ada orang gaji jadi gila.

I yang anak seorang ni pun tak sempat oi...

So far, dinner I masak baru 3 kali. Itu pun sebab my husband requested for it. When my husband wants me to cook, at least I know he will be home to help me look after the baby for a while.

And what about ibu tunggal? Susahnyeeeeeeeee!!!

5) If my baby is cranky, I rasa macam, I need some air! Husband, come home quick! It's your turn!

Eh, but I thought I wanted to be a housewife? Baby cranky pun tak tahan ke?

But I do love my son very much lah. And dia bukan selalu cranky. It's just that, sometimes I am jealous with my husband. He goes out to work but in my mind, he goes out to escape from responsibility. You see how screw up my mind has become?

But I still want to quit my job. And I still want to work.
I'm so indecisive.
I wish I can work from homeeeee!!!