You know, during the recent ordeal, someone recognized me. Well, not me, but Father. He read out my name and instantly guessed who my daddy was.

I did not know him though. A lot of people knew Father but I am just his daughter, I don't know his acquaintances except for a few.

"Arwah baru meninggal dunia masa baru lepas balik Haji kan? Saya tak sempat nak datang melawat masa tu..." he said.

I mestilah rasa sebak masa tu. Teringat-ingat what could have happened if Father was still alive.

You know, the saying 'Harimau mati meninggalkan belang, manusia mati meninggalkan nama'?

Even though after he passed away, there are people who still remember him by name. He must have done something great in his life, eh?

And here I am, so far, have done nothing really significant. What will people remember me by after I am gone? What great things I should do, or maybe, I could do? Will they even remember me?

I am beginning to think that I will probably never reach the high standard that Father has set for his children. It's depressing to think that has Father ever be proud of me?

Biarlah if he has never been proud of me, but I hope he knows I am proud of him. I wish our relationship was better and I could tell him that I really love him. I hope he knows that he has done a great job raising us. Any fault that I do, is because of my rebellious and stubborn nature, and has nothing to do with him.

I texted my friend, Jay*, for my money back. He said he totally forgot about it!

I told Eric* about this.

Eric: Dia lupa sebab dah lama sangat kot! Setahun lebih dah!


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Friday can be a good day or a bad day.

A good day if you get to enjoy the long break. But a bad day if you need to do something, but everyone closes too early and opens too late in the afternoon!

This recent Friday was a good one turned bad for me.



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"Abang, I accident!" I told my husband over the phone.

What happened was, I was stuck in a traffic jam. One motorcyclist was probably in a hurry. He lost his balance and his motorcycle fell on my car. I asked him, "Okay ke bang?"

But he sped off, leaving his gloves behind. I continued driving. At my destination, I inspected my car but nothing was scratched. What was he scared of then?



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My husband had paid for two seats for us for Iftar with the orphans at De Palma Hotel, Ampang.

It was a last minute thing, so he told me, "Sayang pakai baju kurung tau! And tolong bawakan Abang punya kasut GA and shirt biru G2000. Abang jumpa sayang dekat sana je."

I went home and applied on a quick and simple make-up. I began my journey. I drove my usual speed, but was frustrated with the long queue for the toll. To kill time, I roughly calculated the amount needed for this Hari Raya. I now have an extended family that expect duit raya from me!

Suddenly, I realized there was something lying on the road. I didn't have the time to avoid it.

A loud thump and airbags covered my view. I decelerate and finally came to a stationery. Luckily I didn't hit anything else while I was temporarily blind.

My car was honking non-stop.

I felt tight at the chest. I released my seatbelt and took a breath or two. I thought the glasses were smashed but they were all intact. I began deflating the airbags. Then, I realized smoke was coming out from the dashboard, it was probably dangerous. However, I couldn't open the driver's door, so I came out through the passenger's side.

I took a peek outside and saw nothing really damaging.

"Abang, I accident," I told my husband, for the second time in one day!

Him: Accident apa?
Me: Tak tahulah. Tapi airbags semua keluar ni. Boleh tak datang?

Then only I sensed panic in his voice.

"Airbag semua keluar? Dekat mana? Nanti abang datang. You langgar apa tu? You bawa laju!" he scolded me.

After we hung up, I knew my husband would be arriving late, judging by the traffic in KL. I didn't want to call my family because I did not want to interrupt their buka puasa. Besides, I did not need their nags.

So, I called my friend, Eric*.

Me: You dekat mana?
Eric: Dekat my apartment.
Me: Kerja ke hari ni?
Eric: Taklah...Ahad nanti baru kerja.
Me: Boleh tak datang ambil I? I accident lah...

I told him the shorter version of the story and waited in the car. The smoke was still coming out. Then only I realized I had not switched off my car engine.

Surprisingly, nobody came to my aid! Not a single soul.

After 10 minutes or so, a Ronda jeep came to check me out. My car was in auto lock. They put the orange cones and opened the hood of my car. The battery circuit was intentionally disconnected so the honking would stop.

"Akak pergi ambil gambar lori belakang tu. Akak langgar barang dia! Nanti akak boleh claim insurans."

I followed his instructions.

"Teruk ke kereta saya?" I asked.

"Minyak hitam pecah, kak. Sampai keluar airbags, ye kak, teruk ni," he said.



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In between my wait, I received more calls from my husband. He scolded me again and again while asking me to call the towing service.

Him: Kereta boleh start tak?
Me: I tak berani lah. Ada keluar asap-asap ni. I tak tahu asap ni dari enjin ke, or it's normal if the airbags come out.
Him: You ni...I tau, you tu bawa laju! I dah suruh bawa slow-slow kan!
Me: You nak pergi buka puasa, pergilah. I dah call Eric. He can pick me up. I tahu you ada kerja. Tak payah datanglah.
Him: I dah on the way ni. You tunggu situ!

More suprisingly, I was super calm during the ordeal. I did not shed a tear, I was not in anger, I was numb, I guess.

I was smiling when the Peronda arrived, still smiling when meeting the lorry driver.

But, but, ada ke patut, dah nampak aku langgar barang dia, sikit pun tak ada nak datang tolong aku!



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Towing guy: Boleh tunggu ke?
Me: Lama ke?
Towing guy: Dalam 40 minit macam tu.
Me: Hhmmm, okay lah, nak buat macam mana.
Towing guy: Awak ramai-ramai kan?
Me: Tak lah. Seorang saja.
Towing guy: Kalau macam tu, awak duduk dalam kereta, kunci pintu.

A few minutes later, he called again.

Towing guy: Awak Muslim kan?
Me: Ha? Siapa ni? Awak nak cakap dengan siapa? Tak ada orang nama Muslim dekat sini.
Towing guy: Tak, tak. Awak puasa kan? Orang Islam kan?
Me: Ya, saya puasa.
Towing guy: Awak nak saya belikan apa-apa?
Me: Beli roti je lah.



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Eric arrived.

He helped me transfer my things into his car.

While we waited for the Azan, I told him that I felt really guilty.

Me: Husband I dah marah I dah tadi.
Eric: I am sure he didn't mean it. Yang penting, you selamat. In fact, he will feel very guilty for scolding you in the first place. It's not even your fault. Things happened.
Me: Mesti Husband tengah lapar. Dia memang cepat marah kalau lapar.
Eric: Yang penting, you dah selamat...
Me: I baru ingat nak save duit. I baru minta hutang tadi. Dahlah bulan ni banyak pakai duit.
Eric: Itulah pasal...I rasa, kalau nak repair ni, mesti mahal. Harap-harap enjin you tak rosak. Kalau kena tukar enjin...Dahlah enjin baru pula tu.



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The towing guy and my husband arrived roughly at the same time.

"Ni nak ganti airbags lagi. Stereng pecah ni. Macam mana you bawa kereta?" my husband scolded me in his car, on the way to the police station.

"Yang you nak marah-marah ni, kenapa?" I finally started to cry.

Husband: I bukan marah, I nak suruh you beringat. You bawa laju, tu pasal tak sempat nak elak!
Me: Patutnya, you bersyukur tengok I selamat!
Husband: I dah call you tadi kan, you cakap you okay!



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Husband: Janganlah nangis. You ni, suka nangis lah.

Me: Bila masa pula I suka nangis? Baru sekarang ni I nak nangislah! You tu, sibuk tanya pasal kereta. Langsung tak ada tanya pasal I. Biarlah kereta tu. Duit I juga kan? You nak marah-marah I buat apa? Dahlah mak I marah I, suami sendiri pun nak marah I ke? Mak I cakap next year mesti insurans mahal. Semua orang fikir pasal mahal. Why can't you just be supportive?

Why can't you see that things can get a lot worse? You marah-marah I cakap I bawa laju. Cuba you fikir, kalau I elak, terkena tayar I, mesti kereta I terbalik. You pun nampak benda tu besar, kan? I boleh mati, you tahu tak?

Biarlah I nangis. I had an accident, tak boleh nak nangis? Orang lain, kalau nampak isteri selamat, terus rasa lega. You tu, langsung tak sentuh I pun. I dah beritahu you tak payah datang, kan? You ada kerja, pergilah buat kerja tu. I boleh settle semuanya sendiri.

Kalau benda macam ni jadi pada you, I would never scold you.

You cakap, I selalu accident? You tu selalu kena tipu, ada I bising? I am always supportive for you!

You ingat you seorang je lapar. Habis tu, I tak lapar? I kerja tak penat?

Husband: Sudahlah...Jom, makan.

Me: I tak nak makan. You makanlah. I nak tunggu dalam kereta.

Husband: Jomlah. Kena kiss dulu ke?



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That definitely gave my husband a piece of my mind.

Yelah, orang dah stress-stress, dia lagi nak tambah stress.

But afterwards, I still felt guilty. He was so hungry that he had a migraine. Then, when he ate, even his favourite food tasted bland. He also had a tummy ache and he was so tired that he barely could open his eyes.

I apologized to him for a number of times after that.

I bukan sengaja pun....



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I don't know how extensive the damage is. I don't know how long the car can be repaired. I don't know how long will it take for the insurance company to cover for my loss. I don't even know whether the insurance will pay for the damage!

Hari Raya yang sayu.

Kesian lah pulak kereta I tu.

When I was younger, I used to believed that things had feelings. The result for altruism, you know, when you keep putting yourself in others' shoes, even though the others are only things!

The feelings are not as bad since meeting my husband, because he was the one who taught me, things are things, they can always be replaced. (Although, he did the opposite that night, making me feel bad and all!)

But, as I left my car in Subang Jaya, my heart dropped. I could see my car's sad face, leaving it under the scorching sun for days, it must be thinking that I am leaving it for good. I could imagine it's sadness when undergoing a major surgery, probably multiple surgeries, all by itself. It has been a very long time since I last felt anything for an inanimate.

Sorry, car. I will be missing you. Get well soon, okay?

You know, punyalah I jaga you bagai menatang minyak yang penuh, mileage pun setakat geli-geli hati je, sampai orang car service tu ingat I tak guna you, buat apalah nak servis you...

Tapi benda dah nak jadi, kan?

Car, I hope you understand. Be strong.

1) Sometimes, I think it is probably better to live apart from your husband.
At least, whenever my period comes, I won't feel so sad as to why I am not pregnant yet.

If my husband is far, I can easily console myself that our situation is the cause for this fruitless attempt to get pregnant.

It has only been two periods, but I am impatient.

My husband is very indifferent about it. Ish. If I were pregnant, mesti dia buat tak tahu je!




2) I seriously think people who constantly update their gibberish Facebook status are lame. They are lame in real life, they are lame in the Cyberworld. I feel like they crave for the attention more than anything else. I like it better if they post interesting photos instead.




3) Speaking of photos, I want to have a vacation.

I have always been a traveller but my husband is not. Besides, work never leave him. Telefon tu asyik berbunyi je...

The funny thing is, I have never been on a holiday with him, so I wonder how it is like. Will it be as fun or will it be different?

Mine is always energetic and discover-y (?). With my husband, I think it would be more leisurely and perhaps, spending more time shopping, which, I don't really like.

It is scary. I am afraid of easily getting annoyed with him. I am more comfortable and happy if I go jalan-jalan with a person who is well-read, knows how to read the map, confident, and familiar with the transport system. (Hence, the travel partner)

My husband, on the other hand, only has been to a very limited number of interesting places, so I think, he has not found the joy going out and about.




4) For the people who actually know me personally, they are aware that I am a chatterbox. I remember details quite well. I tend to share stories, especially the one I like.

This one time, I was having buka puasa with two friends, one of whom I am very close with.

Chit chat chit chat, then before I knew it, my friend said, "You dah cerita! Tak payah cerita lagi!"

At first, I didn't mind. But, when I came home, cuddling with my sleeping husband, I recalled back what had happened and time tu baru terasa hati. When I think about it, it is quite embarassing to be cut off like that in the middle of the conversation, in front of his girlfriend pulak tu.

Delayed emotional onset. Hehe.

Then, mulalah nak rasa menyesal for accepting the invite to have dinner with them.
My friend has been asking me out, but since being married, it's impossible to hang out just the two of us. That night, I said Yes to him, thinking there will be other friends. But later on, I found it's going to be just us and his girlfriend, so, it's already too late for me to say decline the invite.

Takut dia terasa hati pulak...
Last-last, I pulak yang terasa hati.

Dahlah I am not very fond of his girlfriend. Kiranya, it was a courtesy jugaklah I went out with them, because I know everybody else has been avoiding. Too awkward. And he knows very well that I don't click with his girlfriend.

However...It is so unlike me to become sensitive over a small matter.

Last-last pujuk diri sendiri because at least I have a very loving husband by my side.




5) Back in my Uni days, I always listen to my friends' stories even though I've heard them before. Sometimes, I even pretended to be amused by them, as if I only found out about it.

One time, my friend, Jess, was telling me something. I nodded and listened and laughed along, until my other friend, Iva, broke the news, "Eh, kan I dah beritahu you pasal ni..."

Jess turned to me and scolded me for letting her go on and on about it. "Kenapa you tak cakap Iva dah beritahu you cerita ni!"

Well, I said, because you looked so excited when telling the story, so I don't want to kill your joy so abruptly. Besides, I continued, "I don't mind hearing it again."

I think it is only polite. Can you imagine, tengah semangat-semangat cerita, then suddenly, one person say, "Eh, tak payah ceritalah. I dah tahu ending dia..."

Unless the story teller is someone you dislike, I understand why you want to stun and hurt that person.




6) I am in need of a laptop, a smartphone and a digicam. Susahnya nak pilih. Because I go for good things that come in cheap price. Duh, mestilah susah.

Dulu, when Father was still alive, he was the one who chose and bought laptops for me. Easy peasy. I accept je...

Digicam pulak, I resorted to buying it via eBay. At that time, I didn't use Malaysian Ringgit, so I didn't really feel the amount of money being transacted online! The camera served me so well...

But since I balik Malaysia ni, it's quite scary, manalah tahu the purchased good tak sampai rumah or if I had to pay ridiculous shipping rate/ taxes.

I used to be against smartphones because I'd rather have separate things to do their proper designated job. Like, a camera is for taking pictures, a laptop is for surfing online, therefore, a phone is for calling and texting. Why would you jumble them all into one!

But, then again, my job requires a lot of references, which is very convenient if I could go online just a click away, or a device small enough to store all the information without carrying the actual weight of the books.

Now, I am torn between an iPhone (should I wait for iPhone 5?), a HTC, an Experia, I couldn't really tell the difference, but why is it so important for me to choose the correct one!

This can only be achieved if I had done some research, but goddamnit, why do I have to do an extensive research for a stupid phone, you think I don't have better things to do!

Nak pilih the best one satu hal, nak pilih harga pun satu hal, mahal sangat cekik darah, murah sangat barang ciplak, (why can't they all be standardised so I won't feel cheated!)

Lepas tu...

Ada beberapa orang hutang I, which amounted to RM10000!!! Bila korang nak pulangkan balik duit I ni...Takkan nak tunggu I jadi ceti kot...

Dahlah I pun tak ingat the exact cost they borrowed because I had faith in them. I really thought they will return my money cepat-cepat. Ni dah lebih setahun dah, I pun malu nak minta balik. (Eh, I pulak yang malu? Siapa yang patut malu ni?)

Seorang tu, dekat RM2000, buat tak tahu je...
Seorang tu, pinjam RM750, bayar ansurans dalam RM200 baru kot...
Seorang lagi tu, dalam RM300, and counting!
Seorang lagi tu, memang I ingat dia pinjam RM8600.

Masuk ASB lagi bagus.

I thought, when I whined about the amount I needed to use for my wedding, hint-hint lah suruh pulang duit. Tak ada jugak...

Tell me people, what is the best way, to ask for your money back?

I've been meaning to update. Every time, I wrote halfway and stopped, there are so many drafts accumulated and saved! Blame my short attention spam brain. That is me. I am easily bored and always needs constant stimulation.

Last night, I had difficulty to fall asleep. So, to pass the time, I have decided on the topic I want to write today!

In respect of Ramadhan yang mulia, I'll pen down stories about the kind-hearted, good-willing people, sejuk mak bapak mengandungkan korang.

Okay, here goes.

The first story is about my friend. She comes from a very wealthy family but she's so humble at the same time. She always wore baju kurung during our college days, and she wore her tudung, but not the fancy kind.

I have always admired her flawless skin. She was quite plump back then, but I appreciated her soft features. I thought she was pretty if you actually took a long look at her.

If you don't know her, you wouldn't know how comfortable her life is.

She had her early education in a religious school and it really shows!

As you might have guessed, we are no longer that innocent girls. Sometimes, we wish we were still the same, how can we have changed so much...

According to her, when she was little, whenever her parents scolded her, she would cry and feel very guilty. She would pray to God to take her life away, so she would no longer hurt her parents' feelings. She used to feel that she was such a bad daughter that she didn't deserve to live.

Well, when I was little, I could be very rude to Mother! I even wished for a different set of parents whenever I was mad!

It makes me wonder. What was so bad that she ever did? I'm sure her parents don't know about her doa, but if they do, they would be the most grateful parents to have a child like her.

Nowadays, whenever they quarrel, she still prays, but mainly for the fight to be done and over with.







The recent Bersih rally.

My friend is working overseas and both she and her husband were not happy with the PSD scholars who also did a demonstration in the foreign land.

She put up her Facebook status displaying her opinion on this matter, and of course, it caused some stir.

Basically, she said those who joined are ungrateful brats and the scholarship that they received are better deserved for other people who actually stick behind the government. "Aren't you ashamed? You come here to study, using the government's money, but instead of studying, you show you disrespect to the Malaysian government."

Bla bla bla. Someone commented, "Mind you, there is no such word as the government money. It's actually duit rakyat."

"Haa...Betul. Duit rakyat. Aku pun bayar tax jugak. Jadi, aku haramkan duit aku tu untuk kegunaan budak-budak ni!"

And no more people commented after that.







The issue on halal haram is quite complicated.

I know this guy, who further his studies on a scholarship by some Yayasan Islam Negeri or something like that.

After one year of studying, he told me about his summer plans. To apply for a normal scholarship and discontinue the one he already had.

Why, I asked.

Apparently, he felt burdened. "Sebab duit yang saya buat belajar ni, duit orang derma, orang zakat..." he explained. Therefore, he was compelled to make full use of the money, meaning he had to study really hard and never to use the money for personal gain.

"Saya rasa saya tak berhak untuk guna duit ni untuk berjalan-jalan. Mungkin ada orang lain yang lebih layak untuk biasiswa ni."

I, on the other hand, never really thought about it that way.

He made me realize, the scholarship/ loan that we are granted with, merupakan satu amanah.

But did that refrain me from travelling? Hell, no.

Don't worry, I will pay everything back. I taknak hutang dibawa mati.

Therefore, as an extra to the amount of money I need to pay, as long as I live, I will try to contribute as much as I could to the rakyat. And that is to compensate any misuse of the money, whether intentionally or not while I was being funded.

Tolonglah halalkan makan minum I...