18 hours ago
Monday, October 11, 2010
Thank you for thinking my posts have calming effect at least to one of my readers.
But you are not alone, because writing in this blog brings some sort of calmness to myself too. Like today, I stay up late, just so I could write my soul down.
Sunday was yesterday's news and I am so glad that the week is over. I had such a bad week, very bad week that my eyes are all puffy. I've never cried so much since...two years ago? Everyone seemed to notice too:
- Are you okay? You look tired.
I smiled, I lied, I said, "Yes, I am a bit tired."
- You cried?
I smiled, I lied, I said, "No, I took a nap just now."
She asked, "You sure? Because your eyes are red."
I smiled, I lied, I said, "Yes, I just woke up from my sleep."
- You look terrible. You should go home and have some rest.
I smiled, I lied, I said, "I am okay."
- Ectopy, how are you?
I smiled, I lied, I said, "I am fine."
I used to think I was really, really good in hiding my emotions. Guess I have lost the talent. I don't know what happened to me. I used to possess this great confidence, that I actually believed nothing could break me, no matter what.
When I was young, things are much simpler. I believed that all I needed to do is to smile and I will be alright. I still smile now, but I carry a lot of stories behind my smiles that people actually can detect if I am not being myself.
Outside this cyber world, I am this funny, cheerful, carefree person and I maintain good relationships with a lot of people. I don't judge people too quickly. I don't really mind if many people hate the same person, as long as he/ she has never done a foul onto me, I am okay and I treat them the same.
Because of this, a lot of people don't know that I can be depressed too. And I don't like to be depressed.
I had a morning walk just today. It was impromptu, my heart told me me too. Just walk. Be outside, not home, not in the car, not at work, not online, but outside.
I walked for a good 20 minute, which reminded me of college. I used to walk so much back then. Alone. But college was different, it was safer and it was normal because so many people walked.
Anyway, I have good friends, even though I don't tell absolutely anyone about what really happened. One of them actually left me a note and some food while I was gone. I don't know if he knew I wouldn't have the appetite to eat.
That was nice. It made me smile a little bit longer.
Nowadays, I get to know myself better, I find that I don't eat when I am sad. I just don't have the appetite. Actually, I don't have any mechanisms whatsoever to overcome my sadness. I was never the impulsive shopper or binge eater. When I am sad, I avoid to cry but always surrender to crying in reality.
I called my boyfriend. He doesn't know what's going on (I told you that I don't tell anyone at all about my current problem) but the great thing about him is he did not push me into telling him.
Him: Sayang selsema ke?
Me: Kenapa? Suara I lain ke? (Force laughs) You tengah buat apa?
Him: (5 minutes of meaningless conversation). Okaylah, abang kena kerja.
Him: Ya, sayang?
I was so sad that I had tears in my eyes.
Me: You tak ada cerita ke? (I like stories)
Him: Pagi lagilah...Mana ada cerita sekarang. Petang nanti baru ada cerita...
Me: Tell me something funny.
Him: Hm...Semalam Abang mandikan Snow White (the cat). Abang pakai shampoo Abang. Lepas tu, Abang letak dalam sangkar, pasang kipas bagi kering.
(More happy conversation)
I finally let him go after I was satisfied.
That afternoon, I called him again. This time, I admitted that I was sad. He said that I should be patient and stay sincere. He said everybody has his/ her own obstacles and he knows that I am smart and strong enough to solve my problems.
Abang: Sayang jangan sedih-sedih. Nanti Abang sembahyang hajat untuk Sayang okay?
I don't care whether he executes what he said or not. But I like the way he reminds me to be the best person I can/ should be, always. Stay grounded and ingat Tuhan selalu.
Sometimes, at times like this, I wonder why I chose this path.
So, I look at happy/ beautiful pictures to cheer me up!
Oh, I just received a text from my boyfriend:
I tak nak tengok you sedih lagi. I nak tengok you sentiasa gembira and abang tak suka orang yang menyakiti hati you.
Thank you. :)