I rested, not doing anything, just lied down and became a hermit, scrolling through social media and feasted my eyes on luxury items (but didn't have the courage to spend that much via online transaction).

So, tonight, I thought, okay, let's restart our Caroline Girvan session. Just 15 minutes and I was already sweating buckets, breathless, so unfit, and mind you, it was not even a HIIT exercise. 😭

You see, I followed Caroline since last year. The result wasn't incredible, but I was a lot fitter. My stamina improved. I thought I could see some lines on my abs, I don't know whether it was imaginary, but, at least I felt really good about myself.

I stopped during Ramadhan. I just can't. I tried waking up early before Sahur, but some days, I was just too tired. There was so much to do in a day...

Then, I continued to be swamped by work, I brought work home...I had late nights, so working out was impossible. I wasn't eating right, plus the weight that I lost during my Ramadhan, so I thought I was fine...

Then, I started to eat so much calories...From all the stress, I guess? Why can't I be that person who just don't have the appetite when she's stressed out!

And tonight...I was supposed to do an hour...But here I am, whining about it on this blog...I have wasted a half-year worth of hard work of building up my muscles and stamina...I left for a month, and this is what I've become...So pathetic! So disappointed in myself!

😔😔😔🥵🥵🥵😠😠😠😑😑😑

Anyway...Caroline is great. Go check her out! I really identify with her. She's nice, she's Irish, she's in her thirties, she's a mom, she's as tall as me. Even though she's heavier than me, she's a lot fitter (so, that tells me that weight does not matter). She eats, she gives us sound advice, and she a certified trainer, so her workouts are well thought, well spaced, and such killers. Really, it's doable but not easy, they are not for beginners, but when you are able to complete them, you'd be super proud of yourself.

I hope I get better tomorrow. Can't even do a hundred skips tonight...I'm gonna sleep angry at myself. Gggrrr!!!

My friend dedicated a song to me to lift my mood.

"Alahai...Baiknya..." I said.

I listen to this instead... 😏

It's true. I walked home while singing this in my head. The song and the walk made feel a lot better.

Today, I am sad because I know a lot people are talking behind my back. I know I shouldn't mind but it still hurts me so much. I've been trying to become a better person, but maybe this is one way God is helping me to increase my pahala?

I want to go through this strong. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay...

And you know what...I've been praying for God to give me what's best for me because He knows best. Then, I will accept this, this is best for me now.

And please stop this pain in my heart, dear Lord. They don't matter.

Often, I see, busy parents with successful kids. Even among my own friends, they recalled not seeing their parents much, but they turned out alright.

I wonder what are their secrets (other than genetics).

I guess, it's from Allah's help. If you work hard to serve the society and feel bad that you can't attend to their needs, just believe in God's miracles...

Kita jaga orang, Allah akan jaga anak-anak kita...

Penning this down because I tak sempat nak ajar anak I membaca, mengaji, mengira, bersukan...This is indeed a trying time for all of us.