Monday, June 30, 2014

I feel restricted. Like, I feel I am not supposed to say I miss my husband too often, like I am not supposed to insist him to move for me although having him by my side would be fab.

I am sure my husband won't mind me saying what I really want to say. After all, he never once mentions about my decision that changed our lives and its dynamics. But

1) I think deep down, I have an ego. I don't want to give the slightest chance for my husband to use it against me. Eg: "It's all your fault. You are the one who decided to go and now you can't stand it and you want me to go there and leave my life here like it's so easy to do!"

2) I don't want to become his burden. I want to be the pleasant wife. I don't want our phone calls consist of me whining and trying to make him feel guilty.

3) By not mentioning too much about it, I hope I  could suppress my guilt of wanting to advance in my career.

4) I have to be understanding and less selfish. He can't attend to my needs all the time. He has other responsibilities too. This is a known sacrifice that I am willing to take ever since the decision is made.

Really, all I want to say is
Abang, I miss you so much. I am sorry I am the reason you cannot see and touch your son every day. I really want you to move with me if you can. Can't you just drop everything and be with me? Please?

The traffics in Klang Valley are really bad lah, I am so mad at the government for not having a proper plan for public transport. It's never getting any better. Come on, the Londoners have a great transport system since the 60s and we are still so left behind, it's ridiculous lah.

I spent a total of 3 hours in my vehicle every single week day! Bila kita di awang awangan like that, mulalah teringat pada anak. Pastu mulalah rasa nak quit.

Pergi kerja, anak nangis. Balik kerja, main 2-3 jam je dengan anak. Kalau anak tidur lambat, rasa macam, Mommy penat, and why aren't you sleepy yet? Mak jenis apa ni penat sangat sampai tak larat nak layan anak yang innocent, dahagakan kasih sayang, anugerah Tuhan, amanah yang perlu dijaga?

I question every single day when I am stuck in the traffic, "Is it really worth it?"


Anonymous said...

london is having bad traffic daily since the past 20 years. Gridlock and road closure due to road work, ageing facilities and macam macam lagi. at least police msia guide thetraffic tgh panas. sini duduk dlm keta je and dish out saman.

Anonymous said...

wow, after reading your blog i somehow felt relieved that i chose my kids over my career. now i'm stuck with an 'okay-lah' job and always wonder the WHAT IF questions if i had made my move back then. i'm just super glad i sort out my priorities efficiently.

anyway, dont feel bad about yourself. you'll get through this phase after sometimes. and i pray that your career will soar and your family will be reunited someday.