I feel restricted. Like, I feel I am not supposed to say I miss my husband too often, like I am not supposed to insist him to move for me although having him by my side would be fab.

I am sure my husband won't mind me saying what I really want to say. After all, he never once mentions about my decision that changed our lives and its dynamics. But

1) I think deep down, I have an ego. I don't want to give the slightest chance for my husband to use it against me. Eg: "It's all your fault. You are the one who decided to go and now you can't stand it and you want me to go there and leave my life here like it's so easy to do!"

2) I don't want to become his burden. I want to be the pleasant wife. I don't want our phone calls consist of me whining and trying to make him feel guilty.

3) By not mentioning too much about it, I hope I  could suppress my guilt of wanting to advance in my career.

4) I have to be understanding and less selfish. He can't attend to my needs all the time. He has other responsibilities too. This is a known sacrifice that I am willing to take ever since the decision is made.

Really, all I want to say is
Abang, I miss you so much. I am sorry I am the reason you cannot see and touch your son every day. I really want you to move with me if you can. Can't you just drop everything and be with me? Please?

The traffics in Klang Valley are really bad lah, I am so mad at the government for not having a proper plan for public transport. It's never getting any better. Come on, the Londoners have a great transport system since the 60s and we are still so left behind, it's ridiculous lah.

I spent a total of 3 hours in my vehicle every single week day! Bila kita di awang awangan like that, mulalah teringat pada anak. Pastu mulalah rasa nak quit.

Pergi kerja, anak nangis. Balik kerja, main 2-3 jam je dengan anak. Kalau anak tidur lambat, rasa macam, Mommy penat, and why aren't you sleepy yet? Mak jenis apa ni penat sangat sampai tak larat nak layan anak yang innocent, dahagakan kasih sayang, anugerah Tuhan, amanah yang perlu dijaga?

I question every single day when I am stuck in the traffic, "Is it really worth it?"

My parents have always said us, the siblings, have nothing in common. This is quite true.

One is reserved, another is outgoing, one is sensitive, one likes to travel, another prefers only beach vacations, one is gamer who is rather spends his free time at the comfort of his own home, and the list goes on.

I don't know what Mother did during each pregnancy which makes us so different from each other!

So, I've been getting help from this Indonesian lady. She is an illegal immigrant, stays quite near to Mother's house and previously, Mother had used her husband's labour to wash the car or mow the lawn, doing odd jobs like that.

Since we are desperate, we wanted her to help Mother to take care of my son. Easy! Come at 9am until 5pm, 5 days a week, lunch is provided, she only has access to the ground floor (we don't trust her to go upstairs), probably, sweep the floor, mop every other day, kupas bawang, siang ikan, siram pokok bunga, sidai baju and things like that. My son totally refuses her, so, her job scope is mainly confined to house chores je lah. Tak penat pun...She even gets her own room in case she wants to rest a bit and she doesn't have to cook. I am paying her weekly. If I were her, I would be happy! It's flexible, you still can work elsewhere over the weekend and at night, no rules like no mobile phone or no outings, and it's not tiring.

Thing is, she likes to ask money in advance! My mom would give her extra RM10 a week, and she takes a lot of leaves. She would text Mother that she is sick so she won't come to work, most of the time, she comes like 4 days a week.

Last week, after she left, she returned to Mother's house sobbing, saying she wanted money because her husband hit her. According to her, her husband is a gambler and he hit her all the time.

I, mestilah kesian dengar cerita tu. I pun ikhlas lah nak provide her the job. Tapi at the same time, agak menyusahkan because she is no committed. Due to this sad story of her, I feel bad to find a replacement because nanti dia tak ada kerja, how? I also don't mind so much giving her extra. Because I could afford it, and niat sedekah and tolong orang susah. Lebih lebih lagi nak puasa ni.

My brother, on the other hand, thinks she is lying. He wants us to get another helper because this lady comes with too much baggage. He is a pessimist, so he scares Mother, "What if the husband comes with a parang?"

His points are valid too.
I, too, sometimes, doubt this lady but I tolak jauh jauh sebab nak bersangka baik punya pasal.

My brother pulak, he said, "Jangan masuk campur rumah tangga orang." Memanglah taknak masuk campur rumah tangga orang, tapi takkan nak simply close one eye? What if it happens to your daughter? I don't want to be that headline in the news, "Kanak-kanak maut didera." Then, people would ask, neighbour dia tak buat apa apa ke? Same case like this lah, if we were to decide not to get involved, we are simply irresponsible and selfish. That's my argument.

However, I can see what my brother is standing up for. He is worried of our children's safety. He doesn't want this helper to pijak kepala. Later, the husband finds out it is easy to get money from us using adegan air mata, and it will become a habit. And we don't even know whether she's telli g the truth.

Mother pulak, kejap she sides on me, kejap she sides on my brother. Pastu last last dia kata, "You guys are so different!" Then, she cannot decide.

What say you?

Arrived sooo late to work today, I am so embarassed, taktau mana nak letak muka. I sesat okay! I tried to use another route to skip the unusually heavy traffic but my plan backfired.

My boss didn't say anything but I know she is unhappy. I did not want to come to work late, I wanted to take an emergency leave, but my colleague wanted me to come because we are short of people today.

So, I came, apologized, lost for words and did my work. But I felt so bad and not in the mood of doing anything. Sigh.

Mulalah datang bisikan bisikan...
Siapa suruh pindah! Dah elok elok kerja tempat dekat, gatal pergi pindah.

Such a depressing day.

Then, I wanted to book an appointment for my first ever facial treatment in my whole life, but my credit card is with my husband, so how can I redeem my Maybank birthday gift! (Cheapskate, don't want to pay)

And it was our third year anniversary but I completely forgot about it. My husband actually flew down to see me but he said he had a meeting. I pun buat biase je lah. I didn't realize until it was 3pm but he was already back on the plane.

Teruknye I ni!!!

My resolution is to plan for something special for our next anniversary. Dah 3 tahun miss.

Maybe I should start booking for a vacation for next year, like, hmm, now!