I found a great blog and it kept me awake. :)

Actually, I couldn't sleep well today, I kept tossing and turning, I hate mosquitoes, I forced myself to sleep but ended up thinking about my upcoming wedding, will I ever make it realize in time, or will it be postponed again?

Hmm...

The truth is, I have been blogging since 2002. I think I have lost most of my writings because the old server got revamped or something, plus I became lazy/ busy, so I simply quitted keeping track. I used to treasure them very much, thinking somehow, one day, I would want to read again what I had written, my tiny brain couldn't recall much of what happened, you know...

Especially because I was so bold about everything, I mentioned names, I wrote details, which consumed my reputation among my new friends.

And I wanted to see how myself evolve over the years...But I lost them all. Now, I am sad thinking about it!

Rebellion to depression, frank honesty to anonymosity, anger to acceptance, loud, outspoken, opinionated to being assertive, unambitious. I used to think I had a crystal clear concious about my life's principles, but in retrospect, I have broken most of them. What/ how/ when it all happened?

i-enthusiast.diaryland.com triggered this emotion. I read her entries up until 2005, then I lost her. I wonder how she is now. She was mature beyond her age, totally different from how I used to write at that age, or what was important to me back then.

She makes me feel shameful of my thoughts when I was a teenager/ in my early twenties! Haha. The good old days...

Anyway, reading her amazingly good English reminds me why I always think American scholars are greater than the British, the Malaysians studying overseas, I mean, in term of intellectual levels. Half of this is contributed by the education system. In the US, they encourage, even challenge their students to participate actively to voicing out their thoughts, conducting conferences, coming out from the closets, etc.

Sometimes, I even fantasize marrying somebody 2-3 years older than me, who spent some time in the US, I imagine having a heated, mind stimulating conversation with the guy, get angry and curse each other in words only few know, like how some of my friends do, but we are only platonic.

Also, I would say, the quality of the chosen ones to further studies overseas, being the top 10% of the national population, somehow, are better than the current generations!

Nowadays, I observe these students are only good in paper-based exams, not articulate enough, unable to think outside the box or simply cannot give a good analysis about the current news. Pathetic graduates.

Probably that's why I never fancy the doctors. Sorry.

I regret for not taking up the rare courses of my time: Biotechnology, Actuarial Science, Political Science, Mathematics. I regret for not taking minor, random courses. "Hello, I have a degree in Greek Mythology/ Social Science/ Chinese Culinary Arts/ French Revolution/ Dance History." My resume could have been awesome!

Speaking of Mathematics, a friend argued with me that why would anybody study Mathematics. It is just Maths, you have some formulas, you replace them with numbers, voila, you get the answers.
Well, it is not just about the answers, it is the journey, the beautiful minds of Al-Khwarizmi, Al-Jabbar, aren't you intrigued?
"Hello, I am a Mathematician." Even the sound of it is cool!

Now, I am mad at myself. Because I am getting older and choices are getting limited. They say there are always options, as long as you have the willpower. But I have commitments to other things too, I am no superhuman.

And I keep chanting to myself- Being ordinary is not so bad. Repeatedly.









I wish I received a degree from an American college, Masters from the UK, then worked in Japan, before finally settling down in Malaysia. Damn, I need to travel for one year. Damn, why am I not rich enough to drop everything and just fly to foreign lands.

FML.

But I will never trust my children's independence. Ah, the irony.