My niece is damn cute. She's 3 years old.

One time, I caught her playing with my lipgloss, so I screamed at her and asked, "Pulang balik!"
Then, she pursed her lips and pinched them, as if grabbing the stain of lipgloss on her lips, and said, "Nah!"
I said, "Pulangkan balik," and she did the same gesture for several times! Haha.

Another time, my purse went missing. I found our she was the last one who played with it, so I asked her, "Where is my pink purse?"
Then, she pointed at her cute little butt, and said, "Ni..."
"I said, where is my pink purse, not where is your Pampers! So, now, where is my pink purse?"
As expected, she did not understand and showed me her Pampers.






I am confused with myself.
Sometimes, I make friends so easily with strangers, other times I may not be as warm as I could be.

Like today, at work, I was with a new team of people. It's not like I don't know most of them, I do, but I couldn't be bothered to be jovial. They didn't care about me either, probably because I was not interesting enough. It felt really awkward because everybody was talking to each other except for me! I felt like I was in a new high school or something.

Then, as I was about to leave, a security guard came knocking on my car window. He asked me to lend him RM30, with promise that he will return the full amount in 2-3days. I showed him the content of my purse, I seriously only had RM7, I wanted to give him 5bucks, but he refused, "Nanti you pula tak ada duit," he said.

He must've needed the money bad. 30bucks may meant nothing for me, but to him, he didn't even have RM30!

I told about my boyfriend about how I felt- this 'kejap boleh kawan dengan mana-mana orang, kejap boleh kawan dengan certain people only' mode.

Him: Maybe you lebih suka berkawan dengan orang yang humble.
Me: Tak jugak...Kadang-kadang I kawan dengan orang tu bergantung kepada chemistry.

I am wondering what kind of people attract me to them. I don't know.

If it's chemistry, I also have some very close friends who I didn't have chemistry with, but hit it off after a few meetings.
Ada jugak yang sampai sekarang masih tak boleh ngam.

Brad P's bestfriend/ complicated friend for example. And I feel so guilty because Brad P gets along with my friends so well (too well sometiems) but I just couldn't have a proper relaxed conversation with his this one bestfriend.
Damn awkward!

Let's also analyse the bosses I can get along with. Boss A is kind, but I just couldn't talk to him like friends do. Everything between us is completely professional that sometimes we are in silence because we couldn't talk about anything else. However, the rest of my colleagues can have drinks and laugh with him.
Or Boss B who most people hate but I can simply tease him and feel at ease when he's around.

I don't understand myself.

I...Don't know where to start.

From the moment I thought I was falling with my boyfriend, I knew we just have to get married.
Like any other bride, I dream of a beautiful wedding. One that could be called mine.

So, ever since then, I have started collecting photos of the stuff I like for my wedding.

And whenever I attend a wedding, I always think mine would be better.

But anyway, due to my procastination nature and the lack of family support (I refuse only to blame myself! Even though I am at fault *shy*), I couldn't realize most of my plans.

I am so sad and mad at myself!

My ideas have gone down the drain because...I just paid an amount of money for the deposit for...a wedding coordinator (not a wedding planner, if only I was rich, FML).

The wedding coordinator will handle my wedding from A to Z. And what I meant by A to Z, I mean, A to Z!

Why am I so crazy to let a total stranger do things for MY wedding! This is my wedding, what if she screws up? What if I don't like what she does?

I am hyperventilating, palpitating, panicking all in one.

Gah! Why am I not rich again?

If I was rich, I could have had a better job with better pay (ie: my own company) and then take my own sweet time off work, fly to Indonesia, pick the nicest dress, pays the greatest wedding planner without a single drop a sweat, order the wedding planner to do things the way I want it to be, become a bridezilla because I am the one with the moolah...

WHO SAYS MONEY CAN'T BUY YOU HAPPINESS!

I wish I can rant more about this matter, but my boyfriend is on the line and he's there to calm me down, so I will talk to him and complaint more about it later, in this blog.

I found a great blog and it kept me awake. :)

Actually, I couldn't sleep well today, I kept tossing and turning, I hate mosquitoes, I forced myself to sleep but ended up thinking about my upcoming wedding, will I ever make it realize in time, or will it be postponed again?

Hmm...

The truth is, I have been blogging since 2002. I think I have lost most of my writings because the old server got revamped or something, plus I became lazy/ busy, so I simply quitted keeping track. I used to treasure them very much, thinking somehow, one day, I would want to read again what I had written, my tiny brain couldn't recall much of what happened, you know...

Especially because I was so bold about everything, I mentioned names, I wrote details, which consumed my reputation among my new friends.

And I wanted to see how myself evolve over the years...But I lost them all. Now, I am sad thinking about it!

Rebellion to depression, frank honesty to anonymosity, anger to acceptance, loud, outspoken, opinionated to being assertive, unambitious. I used to think I had a crystal clear concious about my life's principles, but in retrospect, I have broken most of them. What/ how/ when it all happened?

i-enthusiast.diaryland.com triggered this emotion. I read her entries up until 2005, then I lost her. I wonder how she is now. She was mature beyond her age, totally different from how I used to write at that age, or what was important to me back then.

She makes me feel shameful of my thoughts when I was a teenager/ in my early twenties! Haha. The good old days...

Anyway, reading her amazingly good English reminds me why I always think American scholars are greater than the British, the Malaysians studying overseas, I mean, in term of intellectual levels. Half of this is contributed by the education system. In the US, they encourage, even challenge their students to participate actively to voicing out their thoughts, conducting conferences, coming out from the closets, etc.

Sometimes, I even fantasize marrying somebody 2-3 years older than me, who spent some time in the US, I imagine having a heated, mind stimulating conversation with the guy, get angry and curse each other in words only few know, like how some of my friends do, but we are only platonic.

Also, I would say, the quality of the chosen ones to further studies overseas, being the top 10% of the national population, somehow, are better than the current generations!

Nowadays, I observe these students are only good in paper-based exams, not articulate enough, unable to think outside the box or simply cannot give a good analysis about the current news. Pathetic graduates.

Probably that's why I never fancy the doctors. Sorry.

I regret for not taking up the rare courses of my time: Biotechnology, Actuarial Science, Political Science, Mathematics. I regret for not taking minor, random courses. "Hello, I have a degree in Greek Mythology/ Social Science/ Chinese Culinary Arts/ French Revolution/ Dance History." My resume could have been awesome!

Speaking of Mathematics, a friend argued with me that why would anybody study Mathematics. It is just Maths, you have some formulas, you replace them with numbers, voila, you get the answers.
Well, it is not just about the answers, it is the journey, the beautiful minds of Al-Khwarizmi, Al-Jabbar, aren't you intrigued?
"Hello, I am a Mathematician." Even the sound of it is cool!

Now, I am mad at myself. Because I am getting older and choices are getting limited. They say there are always options, as long as you have the willpower. But I have commitments to other things too, I am no superhuman.

And I keep chanting to myself- Being ordinary is not so bad. Repeatedly.









I wish I received a degree from an American college, Masters from the UK, then worked in Japan, before finally settling down in Malaysia. Damn, I need to travel for one year. Damn, why am I not rich enough to drop everything and just fly to foreign lands.

FML.

But I will never trust my children's independence. Ah, the irony.

Koleksi cerita-cerita sedih berkisah benar.

1)

Husband and wife. Husband married a second wife. Wife number one gave birth to two kids. One killed herself. One ran away from home.

Husband had stroke and became paralysed.

Wife number 2 ran away.

Wife number one is taking care of her sick husband and the 6 stepchildren left by wife number 2.

Now, wife number one has cancer.

2)

A teenager met an accident and became paralysed.

Father is also paralysed.

Mother stopped working because she needs to take care of both of them.

Sisters stopped schooling and have to work to support the family.

3)

Husband and wife. Husband married a second wife.

Wife was pregnant with their first child.

Wife passed away during delivery.

Wife's mother fell sick and warded.

Child passed away two days later.

Wife's Father passed away on the same day.




Whenever I am sad, I try to remember the story from the glorious days of Islam. About a woman who lost all of her sons (six of them if I am not mistaken).

She always looked so happy despite the series of terrible deaths of her sons. One person thought she was the happiest person that person has ever met. So, that person asked her what's her secrets.

She then told that person that she was actually very lonely because all of her loved ones had gone. The only thing that kept her happy was the thought that all of them died in the holy war and she was glad that all her sons died a shahid.




So, don't be sad with your life unless you actually have a sad life.




Anyway, I found out that my sister was not very happy with me.
I didn't realize until I read what she wrote.

Basically, some relatives came from far so I treated my family member with lunch at a nice restaurant. It wasn't intended but I had my credit card with me so I offered myself to pay.

It wasn't too expensive, I would say, for 15 heads.

As usual, the pakciks and makciks were praising my generosity and they thought I was rich. My sister pulak terasa and makan hati.

So, in this case, was it my fault that she was hurt?

She mentioned things like, just because I work as this, just because I studied there, just because I am more outspoken than her, they thought I am all great, but they don't know that I come home late until 2-3am, sometimes I am being rude to my parents, etc etc.

Now that I am actually jotting it down, the things she said about me, ouch, it hurts!

If only she knows how sometimes I envy her in ways she'd never imagine.

If only she knows how I look myself in disgust, sometimes, I probably hate myself more than she hates me.