When I heard about the bad news, the first thing that came to my mind was, and I did say it out loud: "Well, nasib baik dia dah kahwin..."

My other friends who were around that time were astounded by my reaction, trying to figure out the connection of being married with someone's misfortune.

"Betullah! Berkahwin tu sangat-sangat membantu tau. Adalah orang nak support, nak nangis nangis...Sekurang-kurangnya dia gembira dengan perkahwinan dia, and nothing else matters. Like who cares even if you are being laid of your job when you have a loving a husband and adorable children?"

They nodded their heads, a sign of agreeing with my statement.

"Korang tak rasa betul ke?" I asked.

"Betul lah jugak..." one of them said.

"See...Sebab tu lah I nak kahwin!"


Shit lah...I dah ada mentality everything will be better when you are married. Haha. Rasa macam dah tak independent la pulak...

(Waves hands over my head, pergi semua pemikiran kolot!)







Today morning, I woke up and decided to be all manja manja dengan boyfriend.
However, I came to realize that the relationship is well over 3 years, but I manja tak ingat dunia and my boyfriend pulak simply layan, sometimes I wonder why he layan me so much.

If I were a guy, I dah tampar tampar dah girlfriend ter over manja macam I ni. Haha.

Seriously, why would a man in his thirties play and pretend along with his girlfriend yang mengada-ngada minta dia jerit just for fun and he foolishly grants my wish.

In the end, he amuses me and as usual, I'd ask, "Kenapa you blindly ikut cakap I!"

Sometimes, I pulak rasa nak lepuk my boyfriend's head, jangan jadi bodoh boleh tak!







The truth is, I know my boyfriend when he was on top of his world. Everything was going well for him and then we met and his world became perfect. Like any other story, that don't last long.

The good thing is, he still has me but he is now no longer as well-off as he used to. It doesn't affect me, because financially, I do not depend on him, but mentally, it does and I tend to question his ability to afford me soon.

Sometimes, I ni pun teruk jugak la, I'd ask him, "Bila you nak kaya?" or "Kenapa you tak cakap dekat I yang you sebenarnya tak kaya? I would still go for you, you know, tapi takde lah I expect you kaya and get disappointed when you are actually not," or "Tak boleh ke you kaya lama tapi miskin sekejap instead the other way around?"

See, why am I so mean to him!

Entahlah. Sometimes, I feel, if he was as rich as he used to, tak payahlah I pening kepala fikir hal wedding, and my parents wouldn't have excuses not to like him.

I understand that he has set a certain amount of his savings for other things and that money can't be touched for personal spendings, tapi nak tunggu tu punye lah lama...

I cannot dwell too much about the details.

Luckily I work closely with citizens of the lower second class and the third class. Cuma kadang-kadang jadi lupa diri when surfing blog orang kaya. Haha.

My colleagues and I notice that these people (lower second class and the third class) tend to have many children. So, I told my boyfriend about it,

"Ada perempuan ni, baru 23 tahun dah ada 6 orang anak! Sekali tengok-tengok, husband dia penjaga stor. Kawan I cakap, 'No wonder, he got nothing better to do!'," I broke into laughters.

My boyfriend laughed too. Then he asked, "You rasa, kenapa diorang ni banyak anak?"

"Laaa...Kan I dah cakap tadi, sebab diorang ni takde kerja lain nak buat, lepas tu tak reti nak family planning sebab tak tahu and takde duit," I said, half-jokingly.

My boyfriend smiled, "Sebab...Tuhan tu adil. Walaupun diorang tak banyak duit, tapi diorang kaya anak..."

Okay. Cukup-cukuplah tazkirah. I main-main je lah!

Smart. I went to stalk Hunk on Facebook. And what do I get back in return?

Heartache.

I envy his life and family. He seems really happy and he loves his family (and his bike). I would love my own family too, if I am able to make one soon.

(Sigh)

I haven't talked about my wedding for a while now.

Wedding plans need a good start-up engine. I went to several bridal boutiques, but nothing has caught my eyes yet. My boyfriend was really supportive, contributing his opinions in the process, I like to see his eagerness, which sometimes I find him lacking.

Finally, I showed him my collection of wedding ideas I've saved from the Net.

"Patutlah you tak suka baju yang dekat butik-butik tadi...Taste you tinggi gila!" was his comment.

What to do? I have to live up with my reputation- the Fashion Diva.

I want the ceremony to distinguish from the rest. And I couldn't help myself that my taste is wedding dresses are rare.

And this is why I insist on tailoring a dress instead of renting it.

Hmm...But who? Who would do it within my budget?

(Sigh)

I want to get married.

And I want to have vacations with my babies.

Okay, I am so sad and depressed, I am going to call my boyfriend now.

hunk

I left my phone at home today.

Time flies fast when you are busy.

That is why I didn't miss my phone today.

I was so busy, I didn't realize everyone left and, "How the hell should I call for my ride to come?"

There were me and another colleague, who also forgot to bring her phone! What are the odds!

And she suggested to use the phone in the building to call. I refused.

Because I am anal like that. For me, phones at work are for work purposes. I wouldn't use it for personal matters. Entahlah, I have this weird sense of committing a sin if I use the properties meant for work, for my own gain.

Oh, well, since I was in a big building, I thought of waiting at the lobby as usual. For sure, someone I know would pass me by and I could simply ask to borrow his/ her phone.

As I was walking down the stairs, I saw a man in a brown jacket, dashingly walking passing the maindoor.

And of course, I would know that figure anywhere, he is, afterall, my current crush, Hunk.

I looked around in case I know anybody else in that building. I don't want to be desperate y'know. Besides he was already at least 20 metres ahead of me.

I didn't have a choice, so I yelled, "Hunk!" At the second yell, he stopped and turned his body around.

And I quickened by baby steps trying to catch up with him.

He squinted his eyes, trying to adjust his vision. Oh yeah, Hunk wears glasses, but when he's in that macho brown jacket, he would take his glasses off, ready to speed on his bike.

Gile cair gue...!

"Boleh pinjam handphone tak? I lupa bawa handphone hari ni. Kena call orang ambil dari kerja..." I said.

I told him the truth, "Tadi balik kerja lambat, tak sedar semua orang dah balik..."

He said okay and lent me his phone, which wallpaper is a photo of his newborn baby. Cute.

"Macam mana nak guna ni?" I asked. In case you didn't know, I don't like fancy phones. Phones are for calling. Cameras are for taking pictures. Laptops are for work. When they all come together, I feel cramped. I'd rather have separate apparatus designed to do its job.

"Tekan aje macam biase..."

Oh, indahnya perasaan menyukai seseorang lepas tu dapat cakap dengan orang tu...Hahaha...
I felt like a school kid having a crush on her senior and feeling high just because he talked to me.

Anyway, I thought things are gonna be short and sweet, but no, he asked me stuff and we had our own little conversation...

Until my ride arrived.

The end.

In the car, I thought of how I like his perfectly alligned teeth. How he looked ugly when I first met him but now I can totally appreciate his looks. He has a nice, sweet smile. I also I imagined how cool he is riding a big bike to work everyday.

Aaahhh! (Screams)

BTW,
I won't go too far with this little one-sided fling I am having okay.
I'm sure his wife and daughter totally deserve to have a husband/ daddy like him.
I'm just like this fan who adores a celebrity, who blushes after getting an autograph from him.

Besides, I'm leaving soon.
Goodbye crush/ Hunk.

(Only last week I thought I was over him just because he didn't eat lunch with me after he saw an empty seat at my table. I wasn't too disappointed, in fact, I kept on talking and talking with my colleagues and totally forgot about him)

At last, something refreshing: www.fashiontoast.com
I wish I would've stumbled upon the site earlier. And I want to be pretty like her!

Okay, I hate pretty ladies now just because I am not. Hmph!

And the worst part is, my things are mostly similar to what she has, just that I rarely wear them (because I'm too shy to be OTT- over the top).

That aside, I love all of her hairbands/ headgears. Whenever I want to wear something like that, my boyfriend says it's so different, people wouldn't believe what profession I go by during the day. Wah, suke hati lah, I am not that old! And I like to be different. Hmph, once more!

And the over-the-knees socks/ stockings! I love! But Mother/ Father/ boyfriend will faint if they see me in anything too short. I already received a two-hour long nagging from my dear boyfriend for wearing a skirt while hanging out with my friends the other day...

Apparently, he only approves when worn with him. Silly. Because he claims he can protect me and no hands/ eyes can go underneath. Haha.

On the other hand, www.stylecovered.com makes me wanna wear a hijab.

I'm confused. Can I choose either one according to my mood?

One thing I know- both bloggers are half Jap, half white. So not fair!



Enough girl talk.



My cat passed away a few weeks ago. What seemed like a happy family in progress (his partner just gave birth to their baby and he was a superb daddy!), ended in tragic. And that was the first time I watched keadaan nyawa nyawa ikan, my cat was gasping for air but I couldn't do anything about it.

He was sick for a long time. Since he was a baby, he had frequent visits to the vet.

And he was okay that morning. Sure, we noticed how his health was deteriorating. His body was skinny, and he was urinating so little, and he wasn't able to jump.

That night, he just laid there.

All my previous cats were either missing before we found them dead, or was hit by cars. So, that's easy goodbye.

I wasn't prepared for this. I couldn't watch him in pain, so I locked myself up in the room and cried.

I thought I didn't love him. Because I've been so heartbroken for so many times before by the death of a pet, that's why I promised myself not to get too attached to this cat. I knew I would be crushed if he was gone.

Anyway, I couldn't control my sadness and I broke down. I called my boyfriend and I sobbed. My eyes swelled up pretty badly and tears of sadness simply fell down on my face like a kid.

He couldn't walk for at least 12 hours. His breath was short and he couldn't eat.

I thought he may have had stroke or something.

This experience has totally changed my view on euthanasia.



[Definition: The act of a physician or other third party ending a patient's life in response to severe pain and suffering.

The act or practice of ending the life of an individual suffering from a terminal illness or an incurable condition, as by lethal injection or the suspension of extraordinary medical treatment.]



I used to be against enthanasia/ mercy killing as I believe, as a Muslim, we shouldn't play God.

They argue, we are actually making the death easier by administrating drugs that are lethal and death would be sudden and not prolonged. According to them, mercy killing is actually making the death less painful.

First of all, how do you know death is not painful? Have you ever experienced it? In Islam, death is the most painful thing a human can feel. I don't believe in any drug that could make it less painful.

I won't elaborate further more on this matter, but what I want to say is, after seeing my cat suffering,

I realized I was praying to God to just snatch his life away rather than letting him be miserable and in pain but alive.

Isn't that a wishful thinking for supporting mercy killing?

I am disgusted at myself.
I should've prayed like Mother thought me a very long time ago- I was about 9 or 10 years old when a distant relative was commatose in the hospital:
Dear God, if he is best alive, let him live, but if he is best dead, let him die.

After seeing my cat, I thought, maybe, just maybe, I am one for mercy killing.

:(






Speaking of cats, I've been nicknamed by colleague- Kucing.

"You are just like a kucing," he said.

"Kucing is good. I'm alright with cats. Cats are cute!" I exclaimed, thinking it was a compliment.

"No, you are like those street cats. You know, the kind which wander at the stalls, then mewing asking for food, thinking it's cute..."

Why am I like that so suddenly?!

He said, "Because you always ask for food. You eat and eat but you are not fat, I really think there cacing in your tummy!"

I explained that I know my body is not sexy and I, myself, am not happy at my body shape. I wish I had more flesh like I used to. You know, the kind that falls at the right places, my bums and my boobies...

I've always been flat. But now I am flatter than ever.

It has been the 3rd week since he has nicknamed me Kucing.

"Hoi, Kucing!" he greeted me early one morning.

I smiled back at him and said, "Meow..."

And we broke into early morning laughter. What a way to start a long day at work.






P/S:
I saw my crush coming back from work today. I straight away called my boyfriend.

"Tengah buat apa tu?" he asked.
"I tengah...Tengok budak yang I suke tu! Hehehe..."
"Oh, budak yang suka tu...Jangan tengok lama-lama tau," he requested.
"Dia balik pakai jaket la. I rasa dia pergi kerja naik motor la...Wow, I jatuh cinta! Bila you nak naik motor?"

My boyfriend laughed, "Yeke? I pun naik motor kadang-kadang!"
"I tanak you naik motor kapcai okay!" I whined.
"Siapa kata I naik motor kapcai? I naik Ducati, handsome macam Brad Pitt!"

Major perasan! If he ever had a Ducati, I'd be forcing him to send me to and fro my workplace. Gila hot tertonggek atas motor macam Megan Fox dalam Transformer 2.

a day's work

Currently, there's a new hunk in the department and I'm way too attracted to him!

It wasn't love at first sight. We spent one day together (work-related) and I'm beginning to see the charisma in him.

I shared the news with my other colleagues and that was the first time my colleagues got to evaluate my taste in man.

"Ectopy, he's ugly!" my friend told me.

I know he's not good looking, but he's not thaaat bad looking! I even explained to my friends that they have to spend one day with him to discover the sweetness in him.

Only those who have THE eyes can see it, only those who have THE sense can feel it.
Haha.

However, he's married. With a kid some more.

I accidentally found out more about his background, and I could see the similarities between him and my boyfriend.
No wonder I'm so attracted to him!

The thing is, I just couldn't help myself from being attracted to him! Argh! It's been long since I last had a huge crush on a guy like this. I hope it'll die off soon because
he is married!

Now I know how it is like to be attracted to a married man.

If his wife ever finds out that her husband has an admirer, I hope she will take it as a compliment instead of a threat.




Today, at work, my colleague told me, "Ectopy, you always have a different view."
Another colleague said, "Ectopy, I never see you get panicked."

You see, we had a huge thing going on this morning and everyone whose involved was sweating and worrying.

I did worry and I did get panicked, I felt my heart was pounding, but somehow the emotions didn't reflect physically by my facial expression.

Besides, what else could I do? Cry? Smile sajalah...

Smile and eat quietly. And looking at things positively. That's when the comment of- me having a different view- given.

Oh-kay. I didn't realize that my view was quite different from the general population.

Perhaps that's why I wasn't very impressed by the book Tuesdays With Morrie. I don't consider it as an eye-opener. I've always had an optimistic outlook towards life like Morrie.

This attitude has probably been strengthened since I met my boyfriend.

Look, the way we see it, if we lost something valuable or something precious have been taken away, it's okay. They are just things. We could replace them.
It doesn't mean that we don't appreciate them, it's just that, replacing an object is a small matter and it shouldn't cause unnecessary distress in our life.

For example, somebody hit the car. It's alright. The person was stupid, of course, (for hitting my car), but it was an accident, he/she never intended it to happen and I'm probably at fault too, although very minimal.
Yang penting, we can always repair the car. Or buy a new one. And yes, mana nak cari duit. But guess what, we can always find money. Rezeki kan berada di mana-mana. So no way I'm gonna waste my time and energy regretting for what had happened and spending money on something that should've been avoided.

It's just money lah. Tak payah nak berkira sangat. Tak payah nak rasa rugi. In fact, in Islam, we are encouraged to spend our wealth (ke jalan kebenaranlah in this context). That's why, we have zakat and zuhud.

We shouldn't think too much about money and materials. It makes us greedy, it makes us stingy, it makes us arrogant.




Shit. Suddenly teringat balik dekat my crush, which from now on, I'd call Hunk. Haha.
Hunk is going to be temporary. I know myself. It will die off sooner or later.

In the meanwhile, should I continue admiring Hunk, or should I do something to make myself unlike him? Should I enjoy this harmless excitement at the workplace?
I think I know the answer.
I plan to proceed.

Haha.