Today, I want to document the failure and success of me as a mom.

I sent my son a normal kindergarten school. Bukan Islamic punya. Because I knew later in his life, he won't be having many friends outside of his race, logistically speaking. And I thought, it was good to expose him to interact with Chinese speakers. He had tuition for Iqra' 3 times a week in the afternoon.

And then, we enrolled him to a private sekolah agama integrasi. Great, right. Here, he can learn to hafal and understand Al-Fatihah, learn how to solat...I remember I learned how to solat when I was about 9 years old, and I'm fine.

This year, I caught him still tak hafal doa Tahiyatul Awal and Akhir. 🥴

I hardly can believe this. I mean, sometimes he came home telling me that he became the imam for his class. And...Sekolah agama for 3 freaking years!

This came about because I started to tell him to complete his solat at home. Previously, he only solat in school and on and off at home. He followed us solat, so I always thought he knew.

So, now that I've become a little bit stricter about solat, I am always reminding him to correct his solat. Like, stand properly, sit correctly, do your ruku' straight, say your words clearly, don't just baca dalam hati!

And when I wanted to test his bacaan, then I realized he tak hafal lagi! He dah hafal sekarang, Alhamdulillah.

Just now, before sleep, I advised him- Abang K, you kena solat betul betul. Jangan skip solat. After you died, the first thing Allah will ask you, is about your solat. Don't be like me. I used to skip my solat and I'm in so much debt now. I want to go to heaven and I want you to be in heaven. If you solat, you will become successful.

"Aren't you successful, Mommy?"

"I'll be a lot more successful if I didn't skip solat."

I continued to advise him- Remember to berdiri tegak. Jangan gerak-gerak. Kalau solat jemaah, even though Imam baca Al-Fatihah, you still have to recite your fatihah. Kena baca until you hear yourself. I'm telling you this because I didn't know when I was small. Don't make the same mistakes like I did.

"Oh, I hear myself in my heart."

"No! You recite until you hear yourself in the ears!"

"Oh. Mommy, why I tak pandai solat? Sekarang baru pandai?"

So, I explained- Maybe, sebab you were not in Tadika Agama. And, during MCO, you didn't go to school, belajar online je. Teachers thought you knew, and teachers thought you solat at home, but you didn't. But it's okay, now you know.

"Okay, Mommy. Can you baca doa pandai for me?"

So, I recited to him the first 4 ayats of Surah Ar-Rahman.

I'm such a bad mom, kan?

Anak staff I, baru 4 tahun, tapi dah hafal doa Tahiyat.

I balik Malaysia because I didn't know how to raise a family there. I bukan alim sangat, entah-entah lagi hanyut. I didn't even have the courage to start covering overseas. It would be awkward if suddenly one day I walk in with a tudung, right? Nak bangun ambil wudhu masa winter for Subuh prayer pun dah cukup struggle. Banyak pahala diorang. So much respect for Muslims there, pahala jihad hari-hari. It's easier in Malaysia. Tapi itu pun I didn't make sure my son know his basic. I'm a bad mom.

But, it's okay. I am counting my blessings. Alhamdulillah dapat anak yang mendengar kata. Lepas ni, kena start ajar solat Subuh pulak. Kena hafal doa qunut pula. Doa Iftitah pun anak I tak hafal lagi. Tapi tak apa kan, slowly but surely.

Mungkin ini cara Allah nak bagi pahala pada I. Anak I belajar bacaan solat dari ibunya sendiri. 😥 Oh, my heart, sebaklah pulak...Oh, Allah, please forgive us and Alhamdulillah for this opportunity.