First and foremost, I hate people who like to keep fish and birds as pets, but never provide enough space for them to swim or fly. It is depressing. Can you imagine being the trapped in a confined space for probably the rest of your life, without having your friends or families around?

If you can't afford to buy a big fish tank or build a nice birdhouse, just let them be free!

I feel pity for those fish and birds. Everyday eat the same type of food pulak tu!

Once, I went to a wedding where the table centre pieces were vases filled with goldfish. You think it's grandeur, but it was not. The fish were basically gasping for air, all of them crowding the surface of the water (the top part of the vases were narrow), it's painfully suffocating to watch.

The event planner was one of the most famous in country but I wasn't impressed. Idea dia kejam gila.

What's next?

I seem to write a lot about my friends. Macamlah I have a lot of friends. Well, actually, I do, haha. It's just that I am only close to a handful. The same people keep popping up on this blog, except that I change their names everytime, fooling you people as if I am writing about different people.

So anyway, about my friend. Well, this time, I am going to talk about Yazid.

There's something about Yazid. Everybody loves Yazid. I know at least two people who named their kids Yazid because they like Yazid so much! Yeah, Yazid is good-looking, he's smart and kind-hearted bla bla bla.

Yazid has a girlfriend. LDR (long distance relationship lah!) Sidenote: My husband calls it PJJ- percintaan jarak jauh. The first time I heard he said it, I laughed so hard, I told all my friends as if it was the biggest joke ever. Turns out, people do generally call it PJJ. I thought my husband made it up and was trying to be funny. Haha!

Yazid works in another state.

One time, he took a ride back to KL with his colleague because well, carpooling saves petrol.

After Yazid's colleague, lets call her Wahidah, dropped him off, Wahidah said "I love you" to Yazid. Yazid sudah panic, he texted me. What should I do, he asked. I said to ignore. "But what about tomorrow? We are going back together, that's a 5-hour drive!" I told him to pretend to fall asleep.

(Then he said why my solution is always to avoid. Haha. True. I always ask people to pretend to fall asleep whenever in crisis. I tak ada idea lain yang lebih creative lah!)

A few weeks later, Wahidah's body language was obvious. Yazid was becoming more nervous. Wahidah told Yazid, "I have something to tell you." Yazid avoided Wahidah's serious talk by talking about his girlfriend non-stop.

That delayed Wahidah's love confession. Instead, she took the courage to send an SMS to Yazid professing her love to him.

Yazid replied her SMS with the usual, "I am flattered but I have a girlfriend and I am already committed to her. I am sorry. Bla bla bla"

Guess how I reacted to the story?

Yazid: I really admire her guts of doing so. I have to give credits to her because even I won't do something like that.

Me: OMG! But she is so disrespectful! How come she is so overly confident? Is she pretty? Wait, does she wear tudung? I am angrier if she does!

Yazid: She's okay-looking. And yes, she wears tudung. Kenapa pula disrespectful?

Me: Because she knew you are in a relationship. She intended to break you guys up! Did she really think you would leave your girlfriend for her? Why can't she just suppress her love and wait until you guys fell out of love. Why does she have to be the reason for a broken relationship? Why is she so desperate? She could have be at least respect the fact that you are not available for the moment. What if the same thing happen to her? How would she feel, bila ada orang lain nak rampas husband you, walaupun perempuan tu tahu yang lelaki tu dah kahwin, dah ada isteri? Dia tak fikir ke semua ni?

Yazid: Emo.

Me: Mestilah! Why can't she just keep quiet about her feeling? Besides, is she crazy to fall in love with you within three months? Why does she love you so much anyway? Are you sure you didn't mislead her or anything?

Yazid: I swear, I did not! I treat her like a friend. I am nice as a friend only.

Me: Tu lah you! Baik sangat!

Yazid: -___-"

During my school days, my kakak Usrah told us,
To love somebody without anybody knowing, except for Allah, is also a form of jihad.

Tak tahu lah betul ke tak. Tapi diam itu lebih baik. Malu itu sebahagian dari Iman.

Sabar itu separuh dari Iman. Perkahwinan itu melengkapkan separuh Iman.

Dari segi penaakulan mantik, kalau dah kahwin tu, lepas tu bersabar pula, maksudnya dah lengkaplah Iman tu! (Separuh + Separuh = Satu) Simple Maths!

Haha. Pandai-pandai je I ni buat summary sendiri.

I had a false alarm today. Been late for a week, got all excited, husband is away and he sent me a message telling that he thought this is it, tapi nampaknya, panas tak berpanjangan, hujan di tengahari. Literally, I nearly wet my pants. Luckily, I brought a spare sanitary pad. Then, I told my husband and we are both sad.

I think I tend to overimagine things. Like today, I am having a very heavy menses, which is strange because I normally have, well, normal flow. I was passing out blood clots, so, I wondered whether it was actually my baby yang tak lekat.

I know, I am getting more and more obsessed.

I am trying to relax but, hey, at least I don't rant verbally to my friends. I am still playing it cool. Speaking of friends, I have two friends who recently got miscarriages. Both were their first pregnancies. Kesian.

Sometimes, people judge others, "Oh, dia dah ada anak, tu pregnant nombor tiga," and they automatically think it's okay if they lose the babies. Or, "Dhia lagi kasihan gila, they've been trying for 5 years, lepas tu gugur pula..." Well, before you say anything further, aren't all pregnancies precious?

Enough about that.

Since I am having my period now and nearly got into an accident, hmm, wardrobe malfunction, so to speak. Don't get what I mean? I bocor lah tadi! Told you it was heavy.

I remember this one time it leaked so much, I stained my ex-boyfriend's carseat. "Sorry, I bocor. Eh, nope, I banjir!" Damn embarassing.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is...Have guys ever tried using tampons?

I used to think that I would begin to use tampons after I got married. It seems more convenient. Takkan dah tua-tua nak bocor lagi kot...Konon-kononnya I wanted to reserve for a penis to penetrate my virginity first instead of a tampon lah...

(Although, I know, a tampon doesn't make you lose your virginity. It's just the fact of something going inside me scared the hell out of me.)

So...You've tried it before? I don't know when I will be converted. Guess I am not ready yet?

Moving on to penetrative issues, I still have pain when having sex. Don't know whether it's normal or not. As long as it is tolerable, then I think it's fine lah kot. Just wait until he comes. Kalau tak, just fake something and silently manouvre yourself to a more comfortable position. Problem solved.

I just realized this is quite a funny post. Look at the chain of events! From false alarm to period to miscarriages to tampons to painful sex. Aiyo.

I rarely get to spend my weekends to do the things I love.

Last weekend, fortunately, I had an ample of time which I filled with reading A Doctor In The House (yeah, still haven't finished reading the book, I am only halfway there) alternating with being online.
Online, I began to read Father's blogs again. Father had two blogs, one was dedicated for his political views, one was reserved for the general things that had happened in his ordinary life. He started to write in 2004 until before he went to Mekah for his second Hajj in 2010.

In one of his earliest posts, he wrote the purpose of his personal blog is to help his family to understand him further.

He also described himself quite accurately- a very serious person with little sense of humour and has a strong character.

Boy, I miss him. He is my Father.

Analysing his personal blog, I noticed a recurrent theme. He too, missed his father so much. He regretted for not being able to provide him with a luxurious life because at that time, he was not capable yet. But, before my grandfather passed away, Father had the chance the bring him to the best Neurologist for his treatment. My grandmother was not very happy seeing my grandfather becoming dependent on the pills though. This was because her supertitious belief. Soon, his health deteriorated and Father watched him breathed the last breathe. According to Father, my grandfather asked for Father during those critical times. When Father was near, my grandfather was not able to utter the words. That's when the Angel of Death finally cut his string of life, leaving Father wondering what was it that my grandfather wanted to say.

How it is like to be left with that kind of question, not knowing, for 10 years?

Since Father was an avid writer, I guess that is something that we have in common. Probably, it is something that runs in the family.

In his time, Father used to write numerous e-mails to The Star, especially, and a number of times, got his letters published under a pseudonym. I don't write those kinds of letters, but I used to have many blogs. Zaman dulu-dulu, the time when I had no privacy, I had to write poems so only I can understand. My niece, she's going to be thirteen next year, had written in her blog fictional stories, it's quite impressive.

Other than us three, one from each generation, I don't think anybody else in the family possess this gift.

Father also wrote about the harship he had to go through as a child. They were so poor. Every year, Hari Raya clothes only came in the form of two new school uniforms and nothing else. He always told himself he would only celebrate if he succeeded in his studies.

I admire his determination to study hard, obtain a scholarship and change his ways life. No wonder he was so careful with money.

Probably, the reason I want to get pregnant so badly, is because I want to introduce my children to Father as early as I can. I want my children to be inspired by him because Father is such a great role model. He had so many minor diplomas and degrees and he still studied even though he had retired.

Sometimes...And I know this is bad. But sometimes, I wish my husband's background were better than what it is. We are so different. We don't even share the same priority in life (even though I am starting to convert him). But sometimes, I wish I could scream at his nephews or his brothers to change their attitudes. I understand why so many were against us. But this is love.

we hate people

Do you know how it is like to hate a person for no apparent reason?
I don't like Reese Witherspoon. But, I know it's because she and Ryan Philippe got a divorce, and other than that, she just seems too perfect to me.

Anyway, my friend, Ben hates Ella so much, it's funny. I became his official dumping site of hatred towards this woman. Whenever he is annoyed by her, he would text me at random time, just to tell me what annoying thing she had done now. Why me? Because I happen to know Ella who is a friend of a friend of a friend (you get what I mean) and Ella works with Ben.

At first, Ben denied the fact that Ella had done nothing wrong and he simply hates her.

Ben: I don't hate her for no reason! She is very annoying. Annoying and irritating! It's her attitude that makes me hate her so much.

Me: Like what? Tell me.

Ben: I don't know. It's the things she says. She's like, trying too hard. Like she tries to make a joke, but it's not funny at all and she thinks she's cool.

Me: You know, Ben. I really think she's one of the people whom a person like you, hates for no apparent reason. It's okay. Because sometimes, we do hate some people for no reason. I understand. It reminds me of the time Hani hated Rina for no reason. Rina had never done anything wrong to Hani, they even barely talked to each other! But Hani hated her so much.

Ben: I hate her because of a reason! I just don't know what is the actual reason yet.

Well, over time, it became obvious that Ben hates Ella for reasons-we-don't-know-yet.

Last week, Ben texted me:

OMG, I am in this lunch-talk and Ella sits next to me. She took two pieces of chicken just now! Everybody else just took one. Such a greedy bitch.

I replied his text:
Laa...What is wrong with you! Biarlah dia ambil dua ketul ayam. Ayam tu tak cukup ke untuk orang lain? Hahaha...Sibuk je you tengok apa dia makan!

Ben:
I really hate her lah. I really cannot stand whatever she does or says. And I know I wouldn't have any problem if other people do, but when she does it, it's so wrong in my eyes! Help, she wants to do small-talk with me now.

Me:
Hahaha...You ni, berlakon je lebih. Dekat Facebook, I always see her commenting on your page. Maybe she likes you.

Ben:
No! Besides, I kenalah berlakon berbaik-baik dengan dia, she is my colleague okay...

Damn funny, right. Pasal ayam pun boleh jadi isu.

Selama ni, I thought girls je yang kena handle isu remeh temeh ni.
Or, is Ben secretly gay? (Ponders)

------------------------

Speaking of hating people, I haven't been hating anybody for so long, up until recently.

You guys know I am in a new working environment.
There's this woman whom I am not keen of so much.

What a small world, she used to be Jake's classmate.

Jake never warned me about her though. One day, I decided to complaint about her to Jake. Then only, Jake confessed, that he too was not very fond of her when they were classmates!

Thank God, I thought it was just me!
It's hard to explain.

She likes to complaint a lot, as if she is the only righteous person in the whole world. She likes to pass-over her work to me. She sometimes gets angry unnecessarily, although her anger is not towards me, but I find her a bit Mak Nenek. And once she talks, she likes to prolong her story and make everyone listen! It's painful. And she's getting fat. She just found her about her pregnancy and it becomes an excuse for her to take emergency leave, become lazy, avoid extra work, eat a lot junk...

(OMG, I am no different than Ben because I mind what she eats!)

She's proud of her husband.

She: Pagi tadi, rasa malas sangat nak pergi kerja. Lepas tu my husband cakap, kalau malas, ambillah emergency leave. I cakap, tak boleh. Lepas tu husband I cakap, apa salahnya, sehari je nak rehat-rehat dekat rumah.

She would repeat same story a few times in a week. (And finally, she did take the emergency leave)

I wish I could tell her, my husband is obviously better than your husband because...

Situation: In bed, early morning.

Me: Malasnya nak bangun! Tak nak kerja!
My husband: Yang...Yang kena bangun juga. Tak baik malas-malas. Kena semangat pergi kerja. Kena rajin. (Then my husband would kiss me for encouragement to start my busy day)

And that's the kind of husband I am proud of. (Love)