Lost the Coldplay battle and quite annoyed because I think those who somehow able to purchase are not actual fans. Haha. Like, you tak tau pun lagu diorang, you tak beli pun album diorang, you tak tahu pun history diorang...

Got my hope high because

- Ramai orang comment tak cukup duit sebab baru raya

- Coldplay ni Millennials punya zaman

- Tickets are quite pricey. Kids can't afford them, right?

- Wednesday night concert. Budak-budak pergi sekolah

Tapi...

Sad lah jugak...But not too sad because I didn't actually use a lot of laptops/ PCs, as I was working yesterday and today...So, tak focus sangat. I attended meetings in between, entertaining clients etc, as usual. Siap pergi beraya...

And maybe, bukan rezeki I kot...Mana tau, tiba tiba menang contest pula lepas ni? Hahaha...

It's okay, mana tau kalau tiba tiba ada second day concert. But, so hard, cause Malaysia panassss...Pengsan Mat Salleh tu nanti.

Tu je lah. There must be a better plan for me. Kena pergi holiday overseas time tu, to mend this broken heart...

Hish. I dah siap hype my kids dah pasal Mommy nak jumpa boyfriend. Sigh. My son hugged me after I told him that I didn't get the tickets. Kids are always so very supportive of me. Diorang layan je Mommy...Husband prefers Metallica, so, he really doesn't care.

My daughter realized that she can now read better.

I applauded for her achievement.

Me: Awww...Baby H! Well done, you can read faster now!

Baby H: *Proudly smiles* Why am I better now?

Me: Because you practice every day! You use DuoABC and you go to school...

Baby H: Bukanlah, Mommy...It's because you doa for me. You pray every day kan...

And that's a lesson from my kid. Alhamdulillah.

We went to visit my aunt and was served with pegaga drink. It was green as the grass. My daughter didn't mind it but my son was like, "Ew, what's this? Tak sedap!" I told him it's a type of detox drink.

He repeated himself, "Tak sedap, Mommy!" I gave him the eye to shut him up. Unfortunately, my cousin saw our body language and chuckled.

Just now, after dinner, I approached my son in his room.

Me: Abang K, can I tell you something?

Son: Apa?

Me: If you eat something, but it's tak sedap, just don't say anything. Diam je.

Son: Oh, I knew that.

Me: ....You knew? Then, why did you complaint?

Son: Mana ada!

Me: Remember when you said the green drink tak sedap?

Son: Oh. But you told me not to lie! So, I told you the truth! Mommy ni! 🤨

Me: Just...If you don't like it, don't say anything.

Then he ran out of the room to continue playing his mobile games.

P/s:

Do not serve detox drink to kids.

Was excited to watch Big Fish because

1) I think Ewan McGregor is cute and I'm a fan since Moulin Rouge, love his blue eyes...

2) Great review and I had never watched it before

Decided to Google Ewan McGregor and found out he was in a messy divorce. Like, what...Such a turn off...

Separation and falling out of love might be inevitable. Especially among the celebrities...But you don't have to make it messy...

That information made such a big impact, that I don't find him desirable anymore! Hahaha...See, I don't like people just because of the way they look! I watched Big Fish and suddenly, he is not as attractive as before, and I was not as excited to see him on screen as I did.

Suddenly, I didn't enjoy the movie even though I know the movie is my kind of film.

Awww...What a shame. Tua dah si Ewan ni...

Today, I want to document the failure and success of me as a mom.

I sent my son a normal kindergarten school. Bukan Islamic punya. Because I knew later in his life, he won't be having many friends outside of his race, logistically speaking. And I thought, it was good to expose him to interact with Chinese speakers. He had tuition for Iqra' 3 times a week in the afternoon.

And then, we enrolled him to a private sekolah agama integrasi. Great, right. Here, he can learn to hafal and understand Al-Fatihah, learn how to solat...I remember I learned how to solat when I was about 9 years old, and I'm fine.

This year, I caught him still tak hafal doa Tahiyatul Awal and Akhir. 🥴

I hardly can believe this. I mean, sometimes he came home telling me that he became the imam for his class. And...Sekolah agama for 3 freaking years!

This came about because I started to tell him to complete his solat at home. Previously, he only solat in school and on and off at home. He followed us solat, so I always thought he knew.

So, now that I've become a little bit stricter about solat, I am always reminding him to correct his solat. Like, stand properly, sit correctly, do your ruku' straight, say your words clearly, don't just baca dalam hati!

And when I wanted to test his bacaan, then I realized he tak hafal lagi! He dah hafal sekarang, Alhamdulillah.

Just now, before sleep, I advised him- Abang K, you kena solat betul betul. Jangan skip solat. After you died, the first thing Allah will ask you, is about your solat. Don't be like me. I used to skip my solat and I'm in so much debt now. I want to go to heaven and I want you to be in heaven. If you solat, you will become successful.

"Aren't you successful, Mommy?"

"I'll be a lot more successful if I didn't skip solat."

I continued to advise him- Remember to berdiri tegak. Jangan gerak-gerak. Kalau solat jemaah, even though Imam baca Al-Fatihah, you still have to recite your fatihah. Kena baca until you hear yourself. I'm telling you this because I didn't know when I was small. Don't make the same mistakes like I did.

"Oh, I hear myself in my heart."

"No! You recite until you hear yourself in the ears!"

"Oh. Mommy, why I tak pandai solat? Sekarang baru pandai?"

So, I explained- Maybe, sebab you were not in Tadika Agama. And, during MCO, you didn't go to school, belajar online je. Teachers thought you knew, and teachers thought you solat at home, but you didn't. But it's okay, now you know.

"Okay, Mommy. Can you baca doa pandai for me?"

So, I recited to him the first 4 ayats of Surah Ar-Rahman.

I'm such a bad mom, kan?

Anak staff I, baru 4 tahun, tapi dah hafal doa Tahiyat.

I balik Malaysia because I didn't know how to raise a family there. I bukan alim sangat, entah-entah lagi hanyut. I didn't even have the courage to start covering overseas. It would be awkward if suddenly one day I walk in with a tudung, right? Nak bangun ambil wudhu masa winter for Subuh prayer pun dah cukup struggle. Banyak pahala diorang. So much respect for Muslims there, pahala jihad hari-hari. It's easier in Malaysia. Tapi itu pun I didn't make sure my son know his basic. I'm a bad mom.

But, it's okay. I am counting my blessings. Alhamdulillah dapat anak yang mendengar kata. Lepas ni, kena start ajar solat Subuh pulak. Kena hafal doa qunut pula. Doa Iftitah pun anak I tak hafal lagi. Tapi tak apa kan, slowly but surely.

Mungkin ini cara Allah nak bagi pahala pada I. Anak I belajar bacaan solat dari ibunya sendiri. 😥 Oh, my heart, sebaklah pulak...Oh, Allah, please forgive us and Alhamdulillah for this opportunity.

I feel like I post more about my daughter on IG. But, that's okay, because now, I feel like I write more about my son on the blog.

My son ni special. Memang selalu nampak garang, kasar, cakap pun jerit jerit. Tapi softie inside. I notice whenever I ask him to do something, no matter how he much he does not like it, he always says okay. Obedient. Unlike his sister, often playfully says no.

I was unwell yesterday. On my menses, feeling yucky about myself, achy all over because of the vaccine...But I needed to do laundry. My son immediately stopped playing on his laptop, and helped me carry the laundry. Like, how sweet is that, I did not even ask. I said thank you and kissed him on the head and of course, told him that he was a good boy.

I feel so blessed. Both of kids are good kids. I don't even remember being this well-behaved when I was young. I remember my mom was often annoyed by me, though.

Today, I was all depressed and my son stayed by side trying to make me feel better. My daughter did too, they were both hugging me and rubbed my back. I guess because my son is slightly older, he understands me more. My children are really caring and takes care of me.

I am so grateful that sometimes, I don't feel I deserve them. 

I've just started to teach my son not to miss his prayers. I know, late, but he's going to be 10 this year, it's okay, we go slow and steady...So far, solat semua except for Subuh. Tak apalah, we'll try for 3-6 months, then we'll start Subuh pulak. That's the plan...

Initially, we solat together. But, then, he began to become impatient. He's saying that I'm too slow...Tak apalah, yang penting not to miss solat. Perfection, sincerity, khusyu' dan hidayah tu kita slow...Budak kan...Berdiri tegak pun masih tak reti duduk diam.

Anyway, I couldn't pray because I'm menstruating. So, I told him, I have my period, please solat without me. He knew about girls bleed from their vaginas from his teenager cousins...

Today, he asked:

- Macam mana Mommy tau Mommy period?

Well, I saw blood on my undies.

- Sakit ke Mommy?

Some girls get pain, but I don't.

- Semua girls period ke hari ni?

Eh, tak lah. We get period every month on random days.

- Kenapa boys tak period?

Sebab boys don't give birth. If you get your period, it means you are not pregnant. But, if you don't get your period, it means a baby is growing in your womb.

- Oh, you are bleeding because the baby is killed? The baby died, that's why blood coming out!

Hhmm...Sorta. Now, go to sleep. Good night.

I acknowledge that my son is not a Maths whiz. Which makes me a bit frustrated because I used to love Maths, and I always find it to be the easiest subject. I mean, once you know it, you know. Just throw whatever numbers, use the correct formulas, and done, instant results!

That's why I am a little bit hard on him. I could not understand why he doesn't count as fast as when I was his age. Primary Maths are just patterns. I get pretty annoyed because he could not recognize the patterns unless I really show him.

One day, his teacher told me he was falling behind. He didn't do his homework for months. I was furious. After much interrogation, I found out he stopped understanding the subject after he missed one week of school due to COVID-19 infection.

I was disappointed in myself, my son, and his teacher. I mean, he goes to a private school with only 20 students in his class. Why can't his teacher make sure he understand! Ugh, so annoying.

And began the episodes of me drilling him, making sure he understands all the topics. There were many episodes of crying, me losing my temper and saying inappropriate things to my son, hurting his feelings along the way. And that's why I'm upset when I had to be his teacher. I have no patience. When I'm in my teacher mode, I become a perfectionist. No mistakes are allowed. Nothing is ever good enough. Even when he gets all correct, I would still not be satisfied with his timing for answering the questions.

At one point, my son thought I didn't love him and thought he was stupid. He cried and I embraced him. I apologized and told him to yell the safe word if he thinks I've gone too far. Then, I told him that Mommy wasn't mad at him, 'teacher Mommy' did. So...

When I taught him, he began to understand and find Maths to be easier that he thought. I was like- Didn't your teacher teach you like this? Didn't your teacher show you like this?

He would tell me- No. Teacher ajar susah! Mommy ajar senang!

Seriously...

He sat for his Maths exam and today, his teacher announced the result.

He was super happy that he got 72%. I was like..."Hhmm...That's a B."

"But I passed, Mommy! Only 3 boys passed!" He said so proudly.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that that's not good enough. Everybody should get an A for Primary Maths because it's gonna get harder.

Anyway, I let him have his moment. I mean, he was over the moon. Like, wow, what an achievement for him, it's cute.

Before bed, as usual, we talk, just the two of us.

Apparently, 9 boys failed. The lowest was 11%. He is the sixth highest in class. The highest 3 are all girls, highest being 89%, nobody got A+. All girls passed except one.

The boys even created a Failed Corner- you can only enter if you failed.

Seriously, what school is thissss...What is wrong with his teacher! I hope he gets a different Maths teacher when he enters Standard 4!

Hahaha...Nak tergelak pun ada. Like, oh, my dear son, I wonder how you'd feel in a public school, where you have to compete with 40 students, or 300 students in your batch.

Seeing his excitement today, I am happy for him. Maybe I need to learn to lower my expectation. I just need to accept that my son is not a Maths whiz, he's a Geography whiz. His General Knowledge far exceeds mine when I was his age.

I hope he knows that I'm proud of him nevertheless. Bless his innocent soul- 72% is excellent...Hahaha...In the real world, 72% is only average, who's gonna tell him...

Tadi, I kemas dapur. Rumah bersepah gila. Then, I entered the kids' room, tengok my daughter's clothes box bersepah, terus rasa marah. Like, how...! Can't you see the house is so messy, lepas tu bila baju dah lipat elok-elok, ambillah elok-elok! How many times do you expect me to kemas kemas kemas dan kemas! This anger was towards my husband because he was the one who dressed my daughter this morning! And I blamed my daughter too, because I'm pretty sure she said no to many outfits until she found something that she liked.

Daughter knew she was guilty, and she said- I'm sorry, Mommy, please forgive me. Do you forgive me?

This girl memang pandai, kaki bodek, sweet talker.

My son pulak, cepat-cepat hugged me really tight, while whispered- Calm down, calm down...

Haihh...Manalah budak-budak ni belajar kan...I am blessed, Alhamdulillah. They are really good children, ada kekurangan masing-masing, but perfect in my eyes. I always tell them- I'm so grateful to become your mother. It's true, I really mean it.

Anyway...

Hari tu kan, I tengok Tik Tok. Sometimes, I think, I am often different than the majority. Pemikiran lain. Am I weird?

Example 1:

Pasal isu staff llao llao bagi extra topping. And the comments were like- I pernah kerja so-and-so, I selalu bagi lebih. Bukan duit I pun, tak apa.

Another comment: Buat apa kerja extra, bukan company kita pun. Boss tak kisah pun pasal kita.

Like, I find it so disturbing yang bercakap ni Melayu Islam. And ramai pulak tu yang menyokong.

One- itu bukan hak you nak bagi extra extra pada customer. Tu tetap dianggap mencuri. Ke I yang salah ni? You nak pemurah sangat, you take it out from your pocket lah...Bukan ke itu namanya tak amanah?

Two- Whatever happens to giving the best when you work on something? Sure lah, sometimes you tak dihargai, tak dapat duit lebih, tapi kepuasan diri dan ganjaran dari Allah kan ada...Kenalah buat sehabis baik. Ni kerja pun cincai...

Seriously, generation yang menakutkan.

Example 2:

Pasal isu ASB. Like, oohh, dapat dividen sikit. Not worth it, bla bla bla.

I pulak macam- You nak duit lebih banyak macam mana lagi? You bukannya actively main saham. You letak je kot duit you dalam tu, lepas tu, you expect nak dividen banyak-banyak? Like, how, you don't even sweat and you expect free money? Sure lah, dulu dividen lagi tinggi, it's getting worse, bla bla bla. But, at the end of the day, why so many of you rasa money should come that easy? For me, kalau I dapat static amount pun, I tak kisah. Sebab, I letak je duit dalam tu.

Yang marah ni, mostly orang yang ambil loan lah...Tapi, before you signed the agreement, takkan you tak tahu semua benda ni risky? Orang yang paling kaya, ialah orang yang tiada hutang.

Example 3:

Pasal isu pergi Dubai/ other Gulf countries dan dilayan buruk. Hhmm...Itu pun nak jadi isu. Hahaha...I don't understand. Like, so? You dekat Malaysia, you Bumiputra, you rasa you lah yang terpaling first class. Bila you pergi overseas, you get bad treatments, you tak puas hati pulak. Habis tu, yang selama ni you buat dekat orang lain? Pandang serong pada orang Bangladesh, Nepal, Indonesia, Rohingya, Filipina and Africans?

Funny, you rasa you have to dress better, speak better or introduce yourself as a Malaysian.

Sometimes, it's just their culture. Kita rasa diorang tu rude, sebab budi bahasa orang Malaysia ni terlebih tinggi sikit. Padahal, orang tu biasa je, that's just the way they communicate, especially if English is not their first language. Tak payah lah nak sensitif sangat...

I am weird because I actually enjoy when people underestimate me. Not that I rasa I want to prove something to them at the end of the day, but I like to feel how people view me if I have nothing. I am an empath, and I like to feel how other less privileged people get treated.

I feel like those kinds of experiences would humble me and keep me grounded. And I think the reminders are important in my life. Embrace it.

Kadang-kadang memanglah rasa marah, like, why are you so rude. Tapi tak adalah sampai, I demand you change your attitude because I am so-and-so. Kita pun setakat Malaysian je, currency pun kecik. Kalau you rasa hebat sebab you ada Dr or Ir or Dato etc, hhmm, tak payahlah...Tu cuma title je okay...

Pelikkan I ni...Even at work, I don't mind kalau clients ingat I ni kerani biasa je. Tak kisah pun, bukan hina pun. Not that I am avoiding from my actual responsibility that I pretend to be clueless so that I don't have to answer difficult questions. Tapi some clients memang macam tu, when I try to explain things, they don't want to listen sebab diorang ingat I ni kerani! I really tryyyy...Ada yang taknak pun pandang I ni. So, tak apalah, I biar je lah clients tu deal dengan orang yang dia comfortable with, and eventually orang tu akan refer balik clients tu pada I. Hahaha...

And no, bukan sebab kitorang buruk, sebab kerani semestinya cantik-cantik. Hahaha. Mungkin, there's something about my face, or the way I talk. Tapi mostly orang cakap sebab I act younger than I actually am, orang pun tak percaya I ni bos.

Terima je lah, kita ni memang nobody. Tak jadi isu pun kalau kita dapat layanan biasa-biasa. You nak happy, it begins within yourself. Bukan happy sebab orang layan you macam anak raja. I pun geram okay kalau orang demand layanan special sebab orang tu adalah mertua kepada menantu dia punya pakcik yang kerja sebagai PA seorang VIP. Whattttt...Orang yang waris sipi sipi ni lah yang biasanya membuat onar. Setakat menumpang nama orang tu je...Hahaha...

Depressed lah...I feel like my life is not right. Everything is wrong. Entahlah, balasan kot, sebab jahat sangat kot...

At least I'm in Malaysia lah kan. Musim hujan pun dah berselimut. I can't imagine kalau winter. Dahlah electricity and gas mahal gila, tengah crisis kan...Walaupun I ni jenis tahan sejuk, I just can't. 

Back to my depression...I know this is serious because I've been sleeping and eating, gaining weight, neglecting housework, no interest whatsoever...Not getting any professional help yet, but I do hope I snap out of it very soon.

Everyday, I tell my children that I am sad, I feel stupid...This can't be good for them to hear me, their own mother, saying all this. But, I really don't have anybody else.

Very good kids, they are, sometimes when they see my expressionless face, they would offer me a cuddle.

I am such a failure lah, not good in anything, I am just humiliating myself. Kenapalah I macam ni...