I kan pernah mention, I ni selalu je ada crush crush tau. Nak tahu tak siapa crush terbaru I sekarang? Budak-budak badminton players ni haaaa...Apesal cute sangat! Selalu lalu lalang dekat FYP I, sampai I pun dah pun macam blushing blushing tau stalk diorang ni...

Hahaha...

Terus rasa I am back in my twenties. Sekarang favourite I- si Yassin, sebab dia single, tinggi, rambut cacak cacak...Memang taste I lah! Si Zaiyi tu ramai peminat juga, memang dia cute, tapi for me, suka tengok je lah, not really my taste.

Din Masjid pun cute je...Manis...Tapi kenapa ramai orang tak nampak kehenseman dia! Li Zi Jia lagi famous, tapi bukan taste I langsung, okay...I tak nampak lagi dekat mana sweetnya muka Zi Jia.

Tapi kalau perangai, I suka si Zubear tu. Rasa macam dia down to earth, fun and sweet je.

Tiba-tiba teringat dulu nak kahwin dengan Cina. Hahaha...Dapat suami tak ada Chinese look. Ada sorang staff I ni consistently cakap my husband is good looking. I agree, he is looking good for his age. Sampai I rasa pressured to keep up, because I am younger than him, hence, kenalah maintain...

Tadi, nampak ada this teenager flexing his 50-year old father on Tik Tok. Konon macam, dah setengah abad, tapi masih smart, tengok komen-komen pun menyokong. I tengok, biasa je, sebab I compare dengan husband I. Terus I macam...Whattt...Husband I pun will be 50 in a few years, tapi perlu flex ke...Is 50 really that old! Takut I, okay...We still feel young!

Anyway, jangan macam-macam sudah...Jangan Hanafi! Haha...

Jom lah, korang...Jom kita crush sama-sama dekat our badminton players yang comel-comel tu...Jatuh hati tauuuu...

Bought another bag 😭

Justifications:

- it's not a designer bag, but really well made, so, I am actually buying quality products, not the name

- it's made in Italy, instead of France (boycotting the French, because they are not hijab friendly)

- Black Friday discount

- considerably cheaper than other designer bags

- I've promised myself not to fall into designer traps anymore. No more designer, it's not worth it, prices are ridiculous, I cannot afford it, I hope this keinsafan continues forever

- I really like the design and have been thinking about since last March. So, this purchase is not an impulse buy

I really need to start selling my old stuff lah. Too many brown bags.

Now, jeans...I really want those Abercrombie Curve jeans...When are they gonna restock my size!

And if you need to feel better...I hope this video would cheer you up. I just find it so funny! Hahaha...!!!

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On days when you feel like your face or your skin is not good enough- listen to this.

It helped me feel better about myself, hope it would help you too.

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Feel really old tonight.

Somehow, ended up listening to Sheila On 7 top 30. Was never a fan, but knew some songs from the band. Remember the time when Indonesian songs were such hits? Oh, my God, I was so young...

Now, writing this while listening to 50 Top Lagu Tahun 2000an (Indonesia). It's funny. The songs don't bring me back memories. I mean, some memories, yes, but feelings instead. I always believe that. You don't remember what exactly happened, but you would remember how you felt that moment or you'd remember how a person made you feel.

I got goosebumps while listening to Peterpan's Mungkin Nanti. Couldn't really put a finger on why I felt that. I just know I really like this song. So weird.

Anyway, since we are walking down the memory lane...Me, as a teenager/ student, was cringey. Hahaha...! But, I still miss some of my old self. I miss my confidence, my carefree attitude, my positivity...

I was so sure of myself, that I convinced myself I could pass my exam even when I didn't know half of the answer. And I did! So positive! Hahaha...And, I never cared how I looked like because I thought that was all superficial.

But, look at me now! I worry about my weight and my skin and my teeth...Probably because I looked better then, I don't know...Tapi, dah tua baru nak risau, it's like, damn girl, you are 20 years too late!

Tak apalah...Let me enjoy the songs before I fall asleep tonight...

Malam ni adalah malam terasa hati. Sensitif.

I kan kerja, sekarang dipertanggungjawabkan for this task. Basically, I can help you and your family achieve certain things lah. And, remember how a lot of people don't like me and are talking behind my back? I think it is not as bad as before, plus, I no longer mind about it, tapi, malam ni tetap I nak terasa hati.

Because, even though these people refuse to see me for favours, and say bad things about me, they still need my help. Okay, tak apalah, I tolong. After they got what they want, they don't want to help me clean up. Balik macam tu je...

Contohnya, tadi kan, kerja tak habis lagi, tapi sibuk nak minta excuse, because apparently, it's their lunch time. Of course lah I terasa kan, tadi, sibuk sangat nak bagi nama family masing-masing. Lepas tu, bila dah dapat apa yang dihajati, dia tinggal je kita untuk before we officially call it a day. I feel so used.

Ada sorang ni pulak, dah lah tak nak bertegur sapa dengan I, tiba-tiba dia bagi nama saudara dia, through another staff. Like, okay, you malu dengan I ke, memang tak nak tegur I sampai mati ke...Kalau tak suka I, tak payahlah nak selit-selit kan...Tapi, biasalah, muka tak malu kan...

Ada sorang ni pulak, I text dia, you know, asking about stuff and all, but no reply. Fine. Tiba-tiba, malam ni, bukannya menjawab soalan I tadi, malah minta tolong I untuk benda-benda yang tak berkaitan dengan soalan tadi.

Like, okay, I thought you were busy just now, and didn't have the time to reply me.

But, now, he is giving me a list of names. Obviously, you are not busy to reply to others' messages, except for mine, right? I mean, if I were him, basic courtesy lah, I would say, "Sorry, tadi I busy...Anyway, to reply your questions, bla bla bla...By the way, could you help me pass the names for bla bla bla."

The way he did it was, completely ignoring my previous long messages, and tiba-tiba, dia nak minta tolong pulak.

I memang terasa kot...Like, what am I to you? You only contact me when I'm convenient to you?

Why are you so selfish!

Tapi, inilah perangai manusia. Kita hanya mampu bersabar. I nak mengutuk diorang balik pun, takde siapa nak jadi my ngumpat buddy. So, I kutuk diorang balik dalam ni je lah...

I still remember the rumours- they said I ni keras kepala, degil, tak dengar cakap. Siapa yang keras kepala sekarang sebenarnya? When I tell people, to stop bothering me, but, siapa yang datang mengendeng ngendeng dekat I time dia memerlukan? Nampak sangat sweet sweet bila depan-depan je.

Esok, I nak puasa, dan semoga Allah bagi pahala banyak-banyak dekat I. Entahlah...Biarlah orang tak suka I. Memang I cannot expect everybody to like me pun. Semoga dosa-dosa kita terampun dan sentiasa diberi hidayah.

Okay, story time...

So, I was aiming to buy a Lady Dior. It is not really my style, but it is Lady Dior, okay, you just have to have one. It is expensive and the more recent price hike has made it crazy expensive- I could not afford it! I sedar diri...

Why Lady Dior? Because I think it is so hard to duplicate, so that itself is kinda special already...

Anyway, since I said I want to boycott French luxury labels, especially Chanel (for many reasons), I thought buying pre-loved would justify my cravings. Hehe, is this considered cheatingggg...

I found a vintage Lady Dior on ebay. It's vintage because it was purchased in 2000, and it's never been used, so the condition is pristine, or can you call it brand new? It's not leather, it's satin and the handles are acrylic. However, the charms have Swarovski cystals on them (it's just cystals, guys, why is everything so overpriced!).

It was listed for 800 Euros. I think that's a good price considering the never used condition...And after a quick online 'research', similar models were sold around that price too.

So, I bid for it, and I won! I was all excited!

All of a sudden- Reserve not met. Like, whaaatttt!

Then, it got relisted- 1300 Euros plus 100 Euros shipping. For a mini satin Lady Dior with acrylic handles. (-___-) No, I refuse to spend that much money on a bag that is 20 years old!

And that's my story of the day...I guess, it's just not meant to be...

I rasa tertipu. Why you play my heart like disss!

Feeling crappy.

I don't know lah what's wrong with me...Hormones? Lack of nutritions? Mental health? Overworked?

I'm sad and angry and depressed and exhausted and bored and frustrated and overwhelmed...While fully aware that there are people all over the world who are in worse situations...

Anyway, Ustadz says...Don't worry too much, this is temporary. Tak lama pun...Focus on akhirat.

Bought two bags already. Might buy a third one. And that shall be enough to cover last year and this year. Please...I need to get out.

I rested, not doing anything, just lied down and became a hermit, scrolling through social media and feasted my eyes on luxury items (but didn't have the courage to spend that much via online transaction).

So, tonight, I thought, okay, let's restart our Caroline Girvan session. Just 15 minutes and I was already sweating buckets, breathless, so unfit, and mind you, it was not even a HIIT exercise. 😭

You see, I followed Caroline since last year. The result wasn't incredible, but I was a lot fitter. My stamina improved. I thought I could see some lines on my abs, I don't know whether it was imaginary, but, at least I felt really good about myself.

I stopped during Ramadhan. I just can't. I tried waking up early before Sahur, but some days, I was just too tired. There was so much to do in a day...

Then, I continued to be swamped by work, I brought work home...I had late nights, so working out was impossible. I wasn't eating right, plus the weight that I lost during my Ramadhan, so I thought I was fine...

Then, I started to eat so much calories...From all the stress, I guess? Why can't I be that person who just don't have the appetite when she's stressed out!

And tonight...I was supposed to do an hour...But here I am, whining about it on this blog...I have wasted a half-year worth of hard work of building up my muscles and stamina...I left for a month, and this is what I've become...So pathetic! So disappointed in myself!

😔😔😔🥵🥵🥵😠😠😠😑😑😑

Anyway...Caroline is great. Go check her out! I really identify with her. She's nice, she's Irish, she's in her thirties, she's a mom, she's as tall as me. Even though she's heavier than me, she's a lot fitter (so, that tells me that weight does not matter). She eats, she gives us sound advice, and she a certified trainer, so her workouts are well thought, well spaced, and such killers. Really, it's doable but not easy, they are not for beginners, but when you are able to complete them, you'd be super proud of yourself.

I hope I get better tomorrow. Can't even do a hundred skips tonight...I'm gonna sleep angry at myself. Gggrrr!!!

My friend dedicated a song to me to lift my mood.

"Alahai...Baiknya..." I said.

I listen to this instead... 😏

It's true. I walked home while singing this in my head. The song and the walk made feel a lot better.

Today, I am sad because I know a lot people are talking behind my back. I know I shouldn't mind but it still hurts me so much. I've been trying to become a better person, but maybe this is one way God is helping me to increase my pahala?

I want to go through this strong. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay...

And you know what...I've been praying for God to give me what's best for me because He knows best. Then, I will accept this, this is best for me now.

And please stop this pain in my heart, dear Lord. They don't matter.

Often, I see, busy parents with successful kids. Even among my own friends, they recalled not seeing their parents much, but they turned out alright.

I wonder what are their secrets (other than genetics).

I guess, it's from Allah's help. If you work hard to serve the society and feel bad that you can't attend to their needs, just believe in God's miracles...

Kita jaga orang, Allah akan jaga anak-anak kita...

Penning this down because I tak sempat nak ajar anak I membaca, mengaji, mengira, bersukan...This is indeed a trying time for all of us.

It's a moral dilemma.

Me, holding this position, trying the best I can to be transparent and fair, versus, me, getting targetted by my superiors to let their families cut the queue and asking me for favours.

It is againsts my morale. Even though, I know, I am not the most righteous person to begin with, but, this is something that I believe in. I believe in not 'mengambil hak orang lain'. I feel greatly guilty when I conciously do. I do ask forgiveness from Allah after I pray, but I wonder whether that's enough. It is not enough, I guess, because I am still doing them favours...Taubat is when you stop doing the sin completely.

I am stuck.

I do understand why my superiors/ colleagues are anxious. They don't regard it as jumping the queues, as they all think their family members deserve it too. True. But, we must understand that we are all important. What makes your relatives are more important than the rest of us?

I am getting messages and calls everyday, bertubi-tubi, attending to the favours and clients, trying to make everyone happy.

I do explain why I can't favour them, but I keep getting requests, still. They even use a third person to ask me about their status...

Sometimes, I tell myself, "Patutlah I tak jadi bos, Allah tak nak I end up like this."

But, you know, those people can mock me and say, "No wonder lah tak naik pangkat, sebab you tak aggressive! Slow!"

Memang ni je kot tahap I. I redha je lah...I've come to terms of my current self: self-acceptance and self-love. To the point that I pray, "Oh, Allah, grant me what You know is best for me, because You are the most knowledgable."

It's better this way. If there are difficulties in my life, I know Allah picks this for me, and the outcome will only for my very best interest. They always are. After almost 40 years of living, how could I still deny the works of God?

 Hi guys...I'm backkkkk

Does this mean, I'm depressed now?

Heh. Partly.

Remember when I told it got significantly less busy after I transferred here?

Oh, well, oh, well...Spoke too soon...

It's a different kind of busy now.

Previously, I needed to be on site on certain days...Versus now, my body will be at home after office hours, but I still work, on daily basis! I've so many messages to reply to, to read and digest on, plus other tasks etc...The hardest part? It looks easy but, really, I am busy as you are!

Nevertheless, I am still grateful.

I am older now, hopefully wiser. If someone hurts me, just smileeee...

Why are you smiling?

Because this is an opportunity to collect and gather good deeds, that's all that matters now. Lagipun, doa orang teraniaya kan dimakbulkan...I wouldn't waste my doa for that person, of course.

Anyway...

I am disliking France more and more. First, the ban of hijab. Then, the support to Israel. They even ban the pro-Palestinian rallies. What is this hate to Islam!

Tak sedar diri ke orang-orang yang beli brand mahal-mahal tu banyak orang Arab kaya!

Tapi, Muslims who are just as obsessed about the luxury brands pun, sama bodoh jugak...

So, goodbye Chanel, LV, Dior, etc...

Okay, writing about boring stuff makes a good sleeping pill. Good night.

Someone influential at my office sees something in me and he said- You should be next in line. You have the potential.

It is probably one of the biggest compliments I have received in my life, so much that it boosts my confidence and self-esteem, I feel like I really belong here and this is a part of God's grand plan for me...

Not to get ahead of myself, but...

- that influential person is actually retiring this year...So, his opinion will not matter in years to come even if I've left a good impression on him

- looks like my boss is not going anywhere soon. So, for me to step up in her shoes, it's probably in 10-15 more years...?

- there are 2 more senior people that are quite deserving too

Anyway...Writing here to remind myself I'm still great in this.

Cried multiple times today, definitely more than 10 times, over a child that I don't even know of.

I knew about the viral video when he got separated from his adopted family, but I never watched the video, I didn't read the case, because I didn't want to be bias. She is afterall, her birth mother. Surely, she meant well.

Besar dah umur 7 tahun tu. Macam mana boleh mati? What kind of force did you use on him! Sedihnya berkali-kali...Sakitnya dia...

I even tried to take an afternoon nap, but I became wide awake again, because my mind was starting to dream about his story, how he was crying during the abuse. Ugh. Mainan syaitan betul.

My kids saw me crying. I kept telling them about this kid who was murdered. My son rubbed my back to calm me down. When they saw the news on TV, my daughter informed me, "Mommy, ni budak tu..."

After dinner, my daughter asked me- Mommy, are you happy?

She usually does this to ensure that I am no longer upset. Which means, she is well aware of how miserable I was this whole day...

Kalau I orang yang tak ada kena mengena ni rasa macam ni, bayangkan his family rasa macam mana...

Guys. If you are not equipped to have kids, please don't have them. Use protections! Let them be with better families. Don't have them if you are not ready. If you are not ready financially ke, emotionally ke, mentally ke, physically ke- just don't have them if you are not ready for the responsibility!

I don't want to hear the excuse- you are mentally unstable lah, apa lah...Eh, kalau dah mentally unstable tu, lagilah jangan! It's no surprise you are actually a crazy maniac, because obviously, no sane person would do something like this, kecuali kalau dah memang setan.

Sort your life first. Make sure you get help. Follow your doctor's advice. Take your medicine. Get stable. Don't skip your appointments. Just don't harm anybody, especially kids.

I am not a psychiatrist and in no way I want to disrespect people with mental issues, but please. This is why you should get help and how important mental health is. It's real, guys. So real.

Here's a short one.

While I was at work, my husband called me and asked whether I wanted to rest without the kids, whether he should let them stay longer at my in-laws, so I can have some alone time.

That was sweet.

It's the little things like this that makes me feel so blessed and grateful to have a partner like him. I pray for his happiness, may he be successful dunia akhirat.

But, I refused the offer. Because in my mind, he shouldn't do that to his parents! They are old, and they have been babysitting the kids for many hours. Let my in-laws rest, please, more importantly...

So, yeah. Apalah husband I ni, kesian dekat atok and nenek tu...

I still think it's a nice gesture, though.