It's a moral dilemma.

Me, holding this position, trying the best I can to be transparent and fair, versus, me, getting targetted by my superiors to let their families cut the queue and asking me for favours.

It is againsts my morale. Even though, I know, I am not the most righteous person to begin with, but, this is something that I believe in. I believe in not 'mengambil hak orang lain'. I feel greatly guilty when I conciously do. I do ask forgiveness from Allah after I pray, but I wonder whether that's enough. It is not enough, I guess, because I am still doing them favours...Taubat is when you stop doing the sin completely.

I am stuck.

I do understand why my superiors/ colleagues are anxious. They don't regard it as jumping the queues, as they all think their family members deserve it too. True. But, we must understand that we are all important. What makes your relatives are more important than the rest of us?

I am getting messages and calls everyday, bertubi-tubi, attending to the favours and clients, trying to make everyone happy.

I do explain why I can't favour them, but I keep getting requests, still. They even use a third person to ask me about their status...

Sometimes, I tell myself, "Patutlah I tak jadi bos, Allah tak nak I end up like this."

But, you know, those people can mock me and say, "No wonder lah tak naik pangkat, sebab you tak aggressive! Slow!"

Memang ni je kot tahap I. I redha je lah...I've come to terms of my current self: self-acceptance and self-love. To the point that I pray, "Oh, Allah, grant me what You know is best for me, because You are the most knowledgable."

It's better this way. If there are difficulties in my life, I know Allah picks this for me, and the outcome will only for my very best interest. They always are. After almost 40 years of living, how could I still deny the works of God?