Puasa hari ini.
Nak masak something fast for dinner.

Trout fish.
Searched for trout recipes on Youtube.
Semua macam involve bahan yang I tak ada. Lemon lah, thyme leave lah etc
Geltting frustrated because it was already late, until I read a comment that you can actually cook trout fish with just lemon, salt and pepper. May add any spice. Hahaha...Noob.

Ganti lemon dengan limau nipis (because siakap boleh masak dengan limau nipis, so I thought that should do it). Garlic, olive oil, salt and pepper. Plus, Chinese 5 spice, because that's the only spice (other than blackpepper) that I had around.

Turned out good and kids enjoyed dinner. Haha, success!

Bedtime-
Me: Sedapnya Mommy masak tadi...
Son: Ha ah lah. Sedap. Mommy masak apa tadi? Crab ke?
Me: Tu ikanlah...Ikan trout.
Son: Ohhh...Rasa macam crab yang kita makan dekat London. Ingat tak? Sedap...
Me: Mana ada kita makan crab! Kita makan lobster lah...

Ya'll, my son compared my cooking to the dish that we had at Burger&Lobster!
Best compliment of the day!

Disclaimer- trout do not taste like lobster. My son was talking nonsense. Hahaha...!

Okay, sekarang ni kan trend Black Lives Matter. If I didn't say anything on social media, it doesn't mean I don't support it, okay...
I know how it is like to be a minority, because when I studied abroad, I was a minority, and they used to suspect Asians like me to overstay in their countries and will likely become immigrants in the hope of better future.

Well, a lot of Asians do become illegal immigrants there, so, it's not entirely wrong of them to generalize. But, it still hurts, okay. Like, terguris hati gitu. Even when you visit them as tourists, masih di treat like that, but maybe, it's just me yang oversensitive sikit-sikit.

When my friends and I worked there, or when we were doing attachments there, we also faced discriminations. But, not too bad lah. Generally, we had happy experiences.
But, whenever I faced these kinds of negativity, when people simply assumed I was stupid or incompetent because I was an Asian who worked as a waitress, I rasa macam...If they only knew that I scored higher than most of them in my exams, or my father was probably making more money than you! Tapi, cakap dalam hati je lah kan...Hahaha...

So, the moral of the story is- Be nice to everybody and don't look down on other people. You never know...


Anyway.
I read there are so many celebs and social media influencers doing it wrong. Hahaha...How hard can it be to support a cause, because they are all doing wrong! Cringey...

Maybe, some of them are trying to be original, trying to start a new trend, by doing black make-up tutorial! No! No, no, no! OMG, I hanya mampu geleng kepala.

Or, photoshopped their photos so they look African. So ridiculous!
Completely missing the message!
You are supposed to be proud of your heritage, celebrate diversity in the human race, demand for better treatment irregardless of how you look on the outside, because it's what in the inside that matters! Yang you pergi menghitamkan diri tu apesal, so stupid!

And what about those who posed happily during rallies. Wear a sexy black outfit, so fashionable and stylish, perfect Instagram photos with the background of people who actually participated in the cause.

On the other hand, netizens can be quite mean too. Like, semua benda nak criticise. Letak border dekat Intagram gambar hitam tu pun tak boleh. Macam-macam lah yang tak betul.

Or, maybe, I am the one who's been reading too many crappy news. Oh, well...

There is this guy, who used to be my classemates when I was 16 and 17. We were close like normal boarding school classmates should be, like okay lah, tak adalah close gila, but we joked around and we talked.

He ended up marrying our classmate too. So, we all are, okay lah, biasa, rapat masa sekolah, tapi dah tua ni tak adalah rapat.

Anyway, now, we all work together. His wife is in a different department. This guy ranks higher than my position.

In March, this guy did something to me. Because of his ranks, he has the power to order me around, but what he did made me so upset because

- his order was too sudden, he should've asked me personally first. I mean, if it was the other way round, I definitely would have given him a heads up, for old time sake.

- it's not like he doesn't have my number, we all are in the same Whatsapp group for goodness sake! Dan bukan group tidur ye...Acceptably active.

In the end, I bypassed his order because my direct boss, which ranks higher than him, made the ultimate decision for me.

But, still...Sakit hati. Terasa sangat dengan how he treated me. No courtesy at all .

Since then, I naik menyampah dengan dia.

Adalah terserempak, but very professional conversation only and nobody else knew about our prior relationship (as classmates) except for a few people.

My husband knows how I feel about him.

I forgot to tell you that my husband was friends with him too. I introduced them and they would bump into each other every now and then.

Today, my husband bumped into him, but he didn't say 'Hi' to my husband. My husband is the type of person who always, always says 'Hi' first (unlike me), so, just now, he was testing whether this guy would acknowledge my husband's presence if my husband didn't say 'Hi' first.

When my husband arrived home, suddenly my husband declared his dislike to this guy. He said, this guy sombong lah, berlagak lah, perasan bagus lah...

Women are complicated.

As much as I menyampah dengan this ex-classmate of mine, I don't want to turn my husband against him too. I am sure I am not the one who influenced my husband to be less fond of him, but when my husband talked bad about him, I felt the need to defend him pulak.

Because I know he isn't that bad, it was just that one time that got me really upset.

And, it annoys me that my husband has developed a dislike to him, why can't I be the only one who don't like him now!

Ugh.

Now, I am confused. Shouldn't I be glad that my husband is on my side?

Haha. Apalah yang I fikir malam-malam ni...Complicated lah jadi perempuan ni!

I tucked my boy at 9.30pm and as soon as I saw my daughter was already in dreamland, I left the room. Went to the kitchen, and my son came out of the room, telling me he couldn't fall asleep.

I thought I could repel him by saying- Well, do you want to do your homework, then?

He said okay.
(He's been missing a lot of his online class and has accumulated a number of homework which I planned to catch up over the weekend)

And so, we finished the Science and 8 pages of Maths!

It was 11pm, and he requested to sleep with me. Awww...My sweet, sweet boy yang dah besar panjang.

I let him. Because I still enjoy this sometimes. My son, who hugged me to sleep tonight. Mommy doakan semoga jadi anak yang berjaya di dunia dan di akhirat.

My depressed colleague that I mentioned previously, has now improved. I am so happy for her!
And she is more open about it too. She shared a little bit of what she experienced, hearing voices, losing 6 kgs because she wasn't eating at all... She said the meds are helping, making her sleep better and stabilizes her mood.

So, guys, if you are not feeling yourself for a long time, please don't be shy to reach out. I hope you'll feel better.

Watched a Youtuber Q&A, and one of the questions was- Are you rich?

And the Youtuber defined financially rich as having not to worry about the necessaries, such as paying for utilities, able to afford nice things in your life, and when you reach the point where there's nothing that you want that you couldn' afford.
It depends on your definition, because you usually have a goal on how much you want to make.
Then he said, "Then, I guess, I am rich."

Hhhmmm...I think I agree with him. As long as you have everything you want, then, Alhamdulillah, you are rich.

I feel rich today because since yesterday, I've had the realization that there's nothing that I want currently. I haven't shopped for myself in a long, long time. Not because I can't, I just didn't have the desire to add more stuff in my life. (And I don't think books and kitchen stuff count in this statement)

Yesterday, I finally bought jewelry for myself and for a couple of my friends. It's titanium with a lifetime warranty. It would be my first titanium jewelry, do you think it would be any good?

And one of the main reasons why I bought it is because- I wanted to buy gifts for my friends, so might as well I buy for me too. I am also old and boring. Haha.

So, I consider myself financially rich. I want nothing more in my life, Alhamdulillah!

Somehow, at this age, I dislike when people say that I am smart.

We do change over time.

I remember when I was younger, it was something I was proud of. Like, it was the only thing that I knew I was good at. I was not pretty, but I was kinda smart. Definitely not the smartest, but academic studies were not very difficult for me. I used to get good grades even though my efforts were so-so.

Well, not anymore. I don't feel smart now. I've had failures, you see. And it crushed me. I am grounded because of this. If I was really intelligent, I wouldn't fail, again and again, right?

My husband thinks I am smart. I know he thinks so, but it's weird when he said it out loud the other day. We disagreed with someone whom we sought professional opinion from, then he said, "You pandai. You tengok sekali, you dah boleh suspect."

I got a compliment, indirectly, but why wasn't I happy? In my heart, I replied- I bukannya pandai. I observant je.

Same thing today. Had a chat with a friend. She was feeling down, and we talked, then we got to a particular topic, and she said- You memang pandai pun. She mentioned it twice.

Then, why don't I feel like I am!

I feel so ordinary.

There so many others who are way smarter than I am. I am not smart enough.

I wish I can fake it 'til I make it.