It's a moral dilemma.

Me, holding this position, trying the best I can to be transparent and fair, versus, me, getting targetted by my superiors to let their families cut the queue and asking me for favours.

It is againsts my morale. Even though, I know, I am not the most righteous person to begin with, but, this is something that I believe in. I believe in not 'mengambil hak orang lain'. I feel greatly guilty when I conciously do. I do ask forgiveness from Allah after I pray, but I wonder whether that's enough. It is not enough, I guess, because I am still doing them favours...Taubat is when you stop doing the sin completely.

I am stuck.

I do understand why my superiors/ colleagues are anxious. They don't regard it as jumping the queues, as they all think their family members deserve it too. True. But, we must understand that we are all important. What makes your relatives are more important than the rest of us?

I am getting messages and calls everyday, bertubi-tubi, attending to the favours and clients, trying to make everyone happy.

I do explain why I can't favour them, but I keep getting requests, still. They even use a third person to ask me about their status...

Sometimes, I tell myself, "Patutlah I tak jadi bos, Allah tak nak I end up like this."

But, you know, those people can mock me and say, "No wonder lah tak naik pangkat, sebab you tak aggressive! Slow!"

Memang ni je kot tahap I. I redha je lah...I've come to terms of my current self: self-acceptance and self-love. To the point that I pray, "Oh, Allah, grant me what You know is best for me, because You are the most knowledgable."

It's better this way. If there are difficulties in my life, I know Allah picks this for me, and the outcome will only for my very best interest. They always are. After almost 40 years of living, how could I still deny the works of God?

 Hi guys...I'm backkkkk

Does this mean, I'm depressed now?

Heh. Partly.

Remember when I told it got significantly less busy after I transferred here?

Oh, well, oh, well...Spoke too soon...

It's a different kind of busy now.

Previously, I needed to be on site on certain days...Versus now, my body will be at home after office hours, but I still work, on daily basis! I've so many messages to reply to, to read and digest on, plus other tasks etc...The hardest part? It looks easy but, really, I am busy as you are!

Nevertheless, I am still grateful.

I am older now, hopefully wiser. If someone hurts me, just smileeee...

Why are you smiling?

Because this is an opportunity to collect and gather good deeds, that's all that matters now. Lagipun, doa orang teraniaya kan dimakbulkan...I wouldn't waste my doa for that person, of course.

Anyway...

I am disliking France more and more. First, the ban of hijab. Then, the support to Israel. They even ban the pro-Palestinian rallies. What is this hate to Islam!

Tak sedar diri ke orang-orang yang beli brand mahal-mahal tu banyak orang Arab kaya!

Tapi, Muslims who are just as obsessed about the luxury brands pun, sama bodoh jugak...

So, goodbye Chanel, LV, Dior, etc...

Okay, writing about boring stuff makes a good sleeping pill. Good night.

Someone influential at my office sees something in me and he said- You should be next in line. You have the potential.

It is probably one of the biggest compliments I have received in my life, so much that it boosts my confidence and self-esteem, I feel like I really belong here and this is a part of God's grand plan for me...

Not to get ahead of myself, but...

- that influential person is actually retiring this year...So, his opinion will not matter in years to come even if I've left a good impression on him

- looks like my boss is not going anywhere soon. So, for me to step up in her shoes, it's probably in 10-15 more years...?

- there are 2 more senior people that are quite deserving too

Anyway...Writing here to remind myself I'm still great in this.

Cried multiple times today, definitely more than 10 times, over a child that I don't even know of.

I knew about the viral video when he got separated from his adopted family, but I never watched the video, I didn't read the case, because I didn't want to be bias. She is afterall, her birth mother. Surely, she meant well.

Besar dah umur 7 tahun tu. Macam mana boleh mati? What kind of force did you use on him! Sedihnya berkali-kali...Sakitnya dia...

I even tried to take an afternoon nap, but I became wide awake again, because my mind was starting to dream about his story, how he was crying during the abuse. Ugh. Mainan syaitan betul.

My kids saw me crying. I kept telling them about this kid who was murdered. My son rubbed my back to calm me down. When they saw the news on TV, my daughter informed me, "Mommy, ni budak tu..."

After dinner, my daughter asked me- Mommy, are you happy?

She usually does this to ensure that I am no longer upset. Which means, she is well aware of how miserable I was this whole day...

Kalau I orang yang tak ada kena mengena ni rasa macam ni, bayangkan his family rasa macam mana...

Guys. If you are not equipped to have kids, please don't have them. Use protections! Let them be with better families. Don't have them if you are not ready. If you are not ready financially ke, emotionally ke, mentally ke, physically ke- just don't have them if you are not ready for the responsibility!

I don't want to hear the excuse- you are mentally unstable lah, apa lah...Eh, kalau dah mentally unstable tu, lagilah jangan! It's no surprise you are actually a crazy maniac, because obviously, no sane person would do something like this, kecuali kalau dah memang setan.

Sort your life first. Make sure you get help. Follow your doctor's advice. Take your medicine. Get stable. Don't skip your appointments. Just don't harm anybody, especially kids.

I am not a psychiatrist and in no way I want to disrespect people with mental issues, but please. This is why you should get help and how important mental health is. It's real, guys. So real.

Here's a short one.

While I was at work, my husband called me and asked whether I wanted to rest without the kids, whether he should let them stay longer at my in-laws, so I can have some alone time.

That was sweet.

It's the little things like this that makes me feel so blessed and grateful to have a partner like him. I pray for his happiness, may he be successful dunia akhirat.

But, I refused the offer. Because in my mind, he shouldn't do that to his parents! They are old, and they have been babysitting the kids for many hours. Let my in-laws rest, please, more importantly...

So, yeah. Apalah husband I ni, kesian dekat atok and nenek tu...

I still think it's a nice gesture, though.

One of my clients today happened to be a senior from highschool. We only knew each other because of familiar faces, but we never talked.

After I started working, we acknowledged each other. He was friendly, yeah, like, okay, I know you, didn't we use to go to school together sort of thing.

Before this, he used to compliment on my looks. I was like, okay, yeay, thankssss...But, I was always uncomfortable around him and pretty much avoided him. Then, I changed workplace, and forgot about how creepy this guy can be, until...I returned here.

What I like about this pandemic is I get to wear a face mask all the time. I can pretend people couldn't recognize me or pretend that I don't know them!

But this guy...He recognizes me. For the past one year, he came to my department perhaps 4-5 times. Every time he came, he either got to see my colleagues (thank God) or I managed to reject his requests to see me by giving valid excuses. And during all the very short encounters, he still commented on my appearance.

He did it subtly, so kita ignore saja lah. Nobody noticed this, of course, except for me.

Todayyy...It was so unexpected to receive him as my client. My colleagues were not around and I didn't have a reason to not see him.

During the short session, I maintained my professionalism. I was nice, polite and straight to the point. The session was efficient so no time was wasted. However, towards the end, he repeatedly said that I was cute, I even have a cute name. And he did it in a creepy kind of way, definitely not the flattering kind. He also told me about his sprained ankle and asked me to touch it, so he can show me his tender point.

I hanya mampu smiled sheepishly behind my face mask, pretending not hear what he was saying. Like, how do you respond to that! He is married and he knows I am too. Please lahhhh...Is this what harrassment feels like?

Then, he said he might come again tomorrow...

Creepy betul lah!

I tulis je lah dalam ni.

Sebab, I taknaklah my colleagues or my staff or my husband cakap I ni perasan je. Orang dah puji comel, terima je lah. How do I explain to people that he is creepy? He's friendly so he's creepy? He was just telling stories, so he's creepy?

The most I can do is doing what I already did before. Avoid him. If he comes to my department, ask my colleague to see him instead.

So, yeah, he is probably the only person in my entire life whom I wish will never give me any attention/ compliments.

That's how much I am repulsed by him because I do enjoy compliments because they are so hard to come by for me, okay!!!

Not pregnant. Phew.

Must be all the diet aka calories counting and the work out that I've been doing.

Oh, God, baru turun 1kg je punnn...

I am 4 days late. Hope I am not pregnant. I can't be. We are not ready. We are already done.

Gonna test myself this evening. Please be negative.

I want to support my friends' business. So many hyped up reviews about Norwex. They are all seem overly excited about it. So, it's not a surprise that I have high expectation about it.

Bought the dust mitt. Received a free Enviroscrub.

Meh.

I knew it, okay...It's expensive just because it's from the US. So, the price has to follow the US market lah. In the end, still made in China, so I can roughly guess the huge profit margin they are getting. Effectiveness? Sama je macam Kao Magiclean (been using it for a few months already). At least, when I use Magiclean, I know it would do its jobs as advertised. No overclaims.

Norwex. Catch dust? Sure it does, tapi tak adalah melekat gilaaa...

Am actually quite disappointed because my hope was really high!

Am I converted? Nope.

Tapi tak sampai hati tulis review macam ni dekat kawan kan, so tulis dalam blog je lah...

Son is excited for December. Because it means it's Christmas season and his favourite online games will have pretty Christmas themed decorations.

He asked me, "Mommy, Santa Claus real kan?"

Since he asked...I told him the truth, and it shouldn't matter anyway. We don't celebrate Xmas and we don't have close friends who celebrate it.

But, he didn't accept my answer. Hahaha. He simply said, "Nope. Santa is real!"

I wonder what's going in his mind. If Santa was real, why had he never come to visit our house and bring you presents, huh!

P/s: My son also still believes in tooth fairy.