I look at fellow Malaysians, sometimes, I think we are very rich. I see a lot of them carry very, very expensive handbags and buy expensive toys for their children. I often say to my husband, "Kaya betul orang Malaysia ni."

Then, I look at other fellow Malaysians. Young, healthy, clean and polite. Not rich, using basic handphones, not even smartphones.

They are not kampung boys. They've been living the city with their grandparents and parents. They are what we call- Miskin bandar.

I mean...It's 2019. Every body is using Whatsapp. Who still uses SMS!

It reminded me of all the previous maids I had. They all wanted smartphones, we bought it for them (because it will be easier for them to call their children), they never paid us back (we would halalkan if they really stuck around to complete their contract), and we bought top ups for them!

Those ungrateful bitches.

I'm not mad if they earn the money through hard work. Kerja senang lenang. Lepas tu mencuri. Orang negara sendiri hidup lagi susah.

Geram pulak fikir. So unfair.

Oh, my God...Lamanya tak tulis dekat sini...For your info, I've had 3 drafts, and maybe a few more drafts in head, but never got the chance to sit down and write.

I've been busy. I've been avoiding staying up late. My son already knew how to use the laptop. Yes, some of my excuses...

And today, I'm on leave for Raya! My children are away for half day.

My son met his cousin for the first time yesterday, and her name is Amani.
Cheeky boy said- What? Nama dia Money? Kenapa nama dia 'Duit'!

Hahaha...That made me laugh. Who would have thought...

Anyway, how is life? Mine has been up and down, as usual. I read something online, from now on, I think I want to pray differently. Like, "Oh, Allah, please grant me strength and sabar to face the challenges," instead of, "Oh, Allah, please remove the challenges in my life."
I want to be more thankful and complaint less.

You see, I know I am so blessed in so many ways, but I still keep wanting more, typical of me, the imperfect human. At the same time, I've been feeling afraid that God might not love me as much because if compared to other peoole, my life obstacles are not as dramatic as theirs.

Well, but I believe the ones I have are enough for me. I may not be able to handle bigger problems. Ya Allah, I am so weak...

And I'm not a very good servant either. Ramadhan this year, and all the years before, tak banyak pun terawih. I just hope there will be progress in my Ibadah, no matter how slow I am. Told ya, I'm so weak...

Good thing is, I notice I am a lot calmer now. I compare myself less to others. I care less about what people might think of me. I judge less too...
I went for a facial by myself for the first time ever. And I did teeth whitening for the first time ever too.

I feel good about myself more often than I feel miserable, and this is how a woman in her mid thirties should feel.

I'm excited for my much needed break next month! We will be away for 10 days!

But, it's different this time. Even though I'm thrilled, I haven't done much preparation. I haven't started researching for the things to do, or places to go, or what to wear...

I have booked the flight tickets, the train tickets and accomodations, that's all.

Meh, I guess we will just go with the flow...No plan kinda vacation. Wheee!

-----

I used to want to become a famous person, the closest I could be is a famous blogger or vlogger. I thought, hey, easy money! You'd get gifts all the time, get invited to fashion shows, be able to wear nice clothes...

Since I am older now, I realize it would be a bad idea. Being famous means you also have the ability to influence.

Do you know how much responsibility in that? No wonder you get paid so much.

I mean, you can influence people. You have the power, and you can either use it in a good way, or in a bad way (usually unintentionally). People idolize you, so you have to watch how you carry yourself, behave carefully.

For example, Dina, the polular Muslim fashion v/blogger. A lot of people look up to her. Although, I understand that it is entirely her rights to do what she thinks is best for her, but I couldn't help thinking about the young  people who would follow her footsteps.

Yeah, it's not her fault if people would copy her recent looks, but if I were her, I would think twice about the people who would get affected by how I would change my appearance. It's the price of being well known.

When you are popular, you sort of become the public's property. They know about you. You can't be 100% you. It's too vulnerable. Your opinions will give impact to those who worship you.

We all know, you and I are not perfect. But on social media, you always have to be the best versions of yourself. Some v/bloggerd don't give a shit about being mediocore or ugly or judged, but I still think, when you are famous, you have social resposibilty to set good examples to your followers.

And moreso if you are a Muslim. With all the misconceptions about Islam...We are taught our behaviours will determine whether we go to Heaven or Hell, even if your deed is atom size.

I'm not saying I'm a saint, I show my aurat a lot still, but dosa tu I tanggung (or, maybe my husband also tanggung), but not you, social media influencers...Always think before you act or speak.

Ooohhhh....John Mayer, my long time crush. Ever so good looking, so tall, so dreamy, that voice, that talent, that creativity!

He's the reason why I think some musicians can be sexy...

And he's 40! Just right for me...Hihihi...

I wanted to go to Ed Sheeran concert, but cancelled and bought tickets to the Phantom of the Opera instead.
Just found out that John Mayer is coming to Jakarta, Thailand, and Singapore, but not Malaysia! Why, John!

And Singapore tickets already sold out. So, yeah.

Read the story about Qayyum, the toddler, who got separated from his adopted parents (Dato' and Datin) because his biological mom wants him back.

I can't imagine because I don't have an adopted child.

So, I imagine being separated from my children instead. Afterall, when you adopt a child, you'd treat them as your own.

It's hardbreaking.

I am more sad for the child actually. So young, he couldn't possibly understand of what's going on. He would be so traumatised, looking for a familiar face...

Sometimes, I think the world is cruel to the children.

Just recently, I was involved with a case of a young mother, who was high on drugs, then delivered her baby 2 days later.

Kesian sangat the baby.

How could you...

As much as I am angry at the mother, I also want to refrain myself from judging her. Who knows, she will become a better person in the future.

I pray for all children in this world to be okay. I pray that all children to be happy, or at least to find their happiness one day. And I pray for God's protection for all the children in this world.

My job can be so depressing...

My son loves his school but we will change school starting next year.
It breaks my heart, because I really want to be loyal and supportive to his old kindy, but I guess, it is no longer convenient for us.

I remember when looking for a school, I was specific about wanting it to be Montessori, colourful, cheerful...And I found it. It is a small and new school, with minimal number of students.

I know the teachers, who are the owners, are doing it because they are passionate about it. They are not doing it for the money...Come on, RM300 per month for 7-10 students, that's like barely RM1500 per month (they only have 2 teachers). I don't think they are making any profits yet, and I really, really wish they would because they are such good people, but I just can't continue there.

Mother says it's too far away, we need a bus, I no longer have a maid, my son wants to learn Chinese...

The new school, it's a little crowded, and I don't like the toilet. There's Mandarin subject, so I don't have to pay RM60 per hour to a tutor (yes, I looked around for a tutor). I'm not planning to enrol him to a Chinese school (my only criteria is- a school that is close to my house), but because he keeps asking me for Mandarin class, so here we are, at a new school...

I'm getting too emotionally attached to his old school that it feels like I'm going through a tough break-up.
Tsk. Itu pun nak nangis...

Friday night.

I dreamt that I went to London with one of my bosses. We had a walk on Oxford Street (looked more like the street in the town I used to study), met up with my friends and went to a Japanese restaurant I used to frequent 10 years ago.

They thought my boss and I looked cute together and we had to explain that we are with different people, I have 2 kids back home.

Somehow, I am always relieved when I remember this information even when I'm dreaming. It's like- kids, Mommy never forgets you!

After that, my boss and I continued walking. Suddenly, I remembered we were supposed to catch a train to go to Japan (Paris made more sense, actually). So, we were rushing to the train station.

I was thinking- how could I forget this! I forgot, I forgot!

Saturday night.

I was in Palestine with a group of people. We were on a tour. There were safe zones and dangerous zones. We need to go through dangerous zones to get to the safe zones.

We were warned to stay as discrete as possible in dangerous zones. When were in dangerous zones, we had to walk fast and keep our heads down. But, somebody bumped into me and I blew my cover. I was chased. I had to run and crawl through small and dark alleys to get to the safe zone.

We had our meals and watched a documentary about Palestine. But that fella kept watching from outside, just waiting for the moment to catch me.

To return to the airport, again, we had to briefly pass the dangerous zone. Since I was already targeted, putting the entire group at risk, we had to be really quick.

But I got left behind. Every body was saving their own life. There was a group of Taiwanese flight attendants. They helped to cover me.

At the airport, the flight attendants used the express lane. I sneaked in with them, but got caught. They asked for money. They thought I didn't have cash, wanted to use my credit card, and my card didn't go through. They said I had to stay behind and get on the next flight.

Suddenly, they said it would be best for me because the Israelis would be waiting for at the aeroplane and that could jeopardise my whole family.

- I didn't remember any of my family coming with me on that trip

- how did they know someone is chasing after me

- is it just an excuse for me to miss my flight, or do they genuinely wanted to help me?

Suddenly, I remembered Mother said- whatever you do, get on that plane.

I increasingly became skeptical and followed my instinct to leave the room at the very last minute to be on that aeroplane.

I woke up before I knew whether I made it or not.

Wow, so intense.

Sunday night.

I did recall the dream this morning but I couldn't remember while writing this.

All I know is- it was also about rushing to catch a flight. I was in India this time.

For the past few days, I've been feeling tired despite having adequate hours of sleep.

After I woke up this morning, I googled on what it means...I've had the same dream 3 nights in a row- rushing. Always rushing.

Rushing to catch a train/ flight.

Rushing to go to a destination.

Afraid of missing a transportion.

And it makes me sad...If the interpretation was true, it makes me sad that I am at this point of my life. Hhmmm...

When I was in primary school, my routine was: Sekolah Kebangsaan, Sekolah Agama, kelas mengaji, playground, dinner, TV and sleep.

I rarely had homework because I usually finished them at school.

Anyway, I was so bersemangat, I remember Mother asked me frequently- tak penat ke?

Yup, I was always on the move. Mostly main. Like, after school/ mengaji class, must find time to play!

In fact, Mother still asks the same question if I've been working non-stop. One time, I worked for 36 hours, then went out to watch a movie with my friends. "Tak penat ke?"

As a kid, I don't remember feeling tired. I okay je...

-----

The other day, my colleague was telling me about her childhood.

Sekolah Kebangsaan Cina, then
Organ class
Piano class
Taekwando class
Gymnastic class
Ballet class
Malay class
Mandarin class
Swimming class

Wow!

Me: Parents you tak kerja ke?
Her: I was raised by my maid. But I still had to wash my own shoes and fold my own clothes. I changed clothes in the car. Then I quit most of it after secondary school.

Me: I want to be like your mom. I wish my parents had sent me to more classes. Now, I have no skills. At least, if I knew how to play piano, I can quit my job and become a piano teacher.
Her: Yeah lor...They make good money too!

I want to send my kids to 4 extra class
- kelas mengaji
- music class (must know how to play one instrument)
- taekwando (currently attending)
- swimming class (soon)
Bonus: Mandarin class

If they ever complaint or question my decision, I will tell them
- I only have 2 kids, so I need to raise you both right
- If somehow you end up hating your job, I want you to have the option to change the direction of your career. Maybe you can open a martial arts centre? Don't be stuck like me
- My friend attended way more classes than you and she survives! Look at her now, so successful...

(Smirks)
*Tiger mom mode on*

Actually, I always want to be that tiger mom, but I don't even have time to send my kids to these extra classes. How lahhh...

*Tiger mom fails*

I remember listening to this song when I was in university.

I thought it was a sweet song. You know, calling out for all the beautiful girls out there...
We are all beautiful...


And now, this

Eee...I like, I like...!

-----

Anyway, I was singing in the car...
And my daughter and son seemed to enjoy the song too...

But my son sang- Hey, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful NINJA!

Me: Dia cakap 'Beautiful angel' lah!
Son: Taklah! Dia cakap 'Ninja'.

Then, I listened to it again and found the 'Ninja'.
Hahaha...

I've been following TwoSet Violin for a while now and oh, my, I feel like a teenager all over again because I have a huge crush on them. Haha.

I wish I knew them sooner before their Kickstarter project because I definitely would have gone to Singapore just to watch them.

No other artists have made feel this way. But violinists...Say nothing and just play, and I'd fall hard! Extra points because they make smart and funny videos!

And, for your info, my music background is like, an atom size, because I only learnt to play recorder in primary school. I don't know how to play any instrument, I don't know how to read notes, I'm tone deaf, I have no idea whatsoever about classical music...
But...
I used to play Piano Tiles. Haha. Does that even count?
And, I love Canon in D, I wished it was my wedding song.
And, at least, I appreciate Beethoven and Mozart, have gone to their museums AND did not feel bored when touring the museums.

Bonus trivia: I bought Classical Music For Babies for me to play for my son when he was a baby. I used to play it on loops, because I believe it would make a person smarter. Then we moved house, I stopped because I felt guilty, I should've played the Quran recital instead. (-__-")

Anyway,

These two guys are not even good looking...Seriously, why do I like them so much! I don't even understand classical music.

I like Brett with the old hairstyle, but I prefer Eddy just because he's taller. Haha.

(I don't go for looks, I'm not supercial! But I like the taller guy- okay, maybe I am superficial. Hhmmm...)

Actually, I swing between the two of them. Haha. After I go through their videos, I like how Brett carries himself and I like the way he thinks.

I like them maybe because they remind me of my own youth. My friends and I (in school and university), we were so silly! Sometimes, we often question, are we seriously good students, haha.
BTW, I was not a good student, I was considered a good student because of the course I was taking in university. Hah!

We were crazy back then, shooting silly videos of ourselves, (but we didn't upload it on Youtube because it was too embarassing, plus, we needed to study, no time mah!).
If we laughed so much, we would question the food that we ate- is there alcohol in this, why are we laughing like a drunk bunch...

-----

You know what...
Actually, the things I like about Brett and Eddie, are packaged into one person- my husband.
I just realized this after talking to a friend.

But, I still want to have a crush on them! Love yah, Brett; love you, Eddie...*kisses*
I promise I won't go crazy if my kids want to be musicians and I won't look down at musicians.

What a revelation!