Aku pasrah.

I'll wear whatever wedding dress for my big day, okay?

My boyfriend originated from another state. He was so convincing: "People there can sew too. They are not designers, but they can sew!"

It got me really excited. I printed photos for him to show them around.

One shop finally agreed to tailor my dress. We asked for the price quotation. After 5 freaking days, she said it would cost us, "RM2000".

Bf: Kalau macam tu, baik saya buat dekat KL!
Tukang jahit: Memang kami akan tempah di KL pun...

WTF! FML!

Sangat marah because the design that I wanted bukannya sarat dengan labuci kena jahit tangan! Plus, itu harga KL, I nak harga murah, sebab tu I bawa pergi kampung, duh!

I am no longer angry at my boyfriend. Biarlah, it's just a dress. I'll make a better one later, when we are richer, even though it'll be after marriage. :)





Anyway, I am getting more and more sensitive ever since the date is approaching, especially when people comment on my looks.

One relative said, "Nanti sebelum kahwin, buatlah facial, lepas tu kena mekap cantik sikit, bagi hilang semua ni," and she pointed at my flaws.

I was offended.

In another situation, my sister-in-law asked, "Awak tak ada ambil apa-apa ke?"
Me: Ambil apa?
SIL: Ye lah...Macam jamu ke...
Mother: Jamu? Dia tak gemuklah.
SIL: Awak ni, nampak penat je...Jamu untuk bagi awak nampak, hhmm, fresh sikit.

I think she was very careful in choosing her words which equivalent to the word: unattractive.

I was the dealing with a client the other day. While waiting for the stuff to be sorted out, she stared at my namecard, gave me a look and said, "You are so pretty in this picture. Now you look...Tired."

In my head: tired = ugly.

Being polite, I said, "Well, work has consumed me. Don't worry, Auntie, I'll get prettier when I am getting married."

Auntie replied, "You should be pretty even before you get married."

I can only brushed off the topic by telling her a lie, "First, I need to find a guy!"

Urgh, what is wrong with these people! Am I that ugly!

Oh, well, the only good news is, I never thought my namecard photo was a nice one. At least, Auntie appreciated it.

And thank God I have a blind boyfriend.

I did not wear any make-up on, wore a plain baju kurung with a plain tudung to attend a boring Kursus Kahwin but he kept complimenting on how cute I was that it became annoying because I felt like I was being lied to.

I watched 'How I Met Your Mother'. Quote from the sitcom:
A: People don't like to lied to!
B: Wrong! People don't like finding out the truth!

Oh, and here's another quote:
Skanky old woman: Come here, baby...(Rubbing herself against the man's cock)
Timid man: (Refusing the skanky old woman) Actually, I have a girlfriend. No, fiance! Wife! I have a wife!
Skanky old woman: (Still trying her luck to seduce the timid man)
Timid man: (Blurted out) I have syphilis!
Skanky old woman: Even better! Cause I have syphilis too...

Random.

So, I ran into Kancil and damaged her plate number.

My car is fine.

It wasn't a big deal. At work, I texted her an apology message, but was returned with a call by a stranger who was completely unaware about the matter. I must have gotten the wrong number, and the ironic thing is, the owner of the number has the exact same name.

It turned out, this woman is a stalker. She traced my car at my workplace and left me a note.

Remember the security guard I told you in my last post? Well, he told that they passed the message to me, if I was still uncontactable by the next day, they wanted to issue a summon. Over tak? Setakat plate number pecah kot...

At last, managed to contact her and she requested for, tadaa, RM250.

Cik: Mekanik tu estimate rosak dalam RM250.
Me: Mahalnya! Rosak apa mahal sangat? Number plate je yang pecah.
Cik: Dia cakap bumper jatuh.
Me: Awak repairlah dulu, nanti bagitau saya amount dia.

I thought, what the hell! Bila pulak bumper dia jatuh, bukannya langgar kuat pun, kereta I pun takde scratch. But quickly, I calmed myself down, tak baik bersangka buruk pada perempuan yang menutup aurat, mekanik tu kot yang jahat.

Redha.

At night, she called me again. Oh, my God, I was beginning to think she was harassing me. This time, she said, "Saya dah confirm kan dengan mekanik tu. Memang dia nak charge RM250."

Fine, whatever lah...So, why do you call me?

Cik: Agak-agak, bila eh boleh masuk duit?
Me: Saya tak pasti lah...Kalau tak malam ni, esoklah saya transfer duit. Nanti awak bagilah account number awak.
Cik: Sebab, saya perlukan duit tu.
Me: Okay, tapi macam saya kata tadi, kalau tak malam ni, besok saya bagi duit tu. Saya selalu online banking. Malam ni saya ada hal, nak keluar.
Cik: Tinggal dekat mana eh? Boleh bagi alamat?

Sekali lagi syaitan menghasut. Desperate gila perempuan ni miskin sangat ke hape setakat 250ringgit pun tak boleh bayar dulu...(Kalau miskin sangat, sungguh tak bijak pakai kereta, sila naik bas untuk simpan duit, lebih bagus kalau jalan kaki je) Siap minta alamat, kalau tak boleh online banking, dia nak datang rumah minta cash pagi-pagi buta keesokan hari agaknya.

You know what she said that made my annoyance level hit the maximum?

SMS: Saya harap cik bleh tranfer mlm ni la coz esk dah lbh 24jam utk mngelak dr sbrng kesulitan tq

Subtly threatening me, for the second time (the first, regarding the summon) in day?

I sedeqah je RM250 tu, I halalkan. Puas hati?

Probably she didn't act alone, probably her husband/ boyfriend/ friends made her do things this way...

This strengthtens further my theory: People with limited power memang suka nak tunjuk power. (I discuss about this matter over and over again)

Thank God I'm surrounded by cool people. That thought makes me smile :) We are classy!

My niece is damn cute. She's 3 years old.

One time, I caught her playing with my lipgloss, so I screamed at her and asked, "Pulang balik!"
Then, she pursed her lips and pinched them, as if grabbing the stain of lipgloss on her lips, and said, "Nah!"
I said, "Pulangkan balik," and she did the same gesture for several times! Haha.

Another time, my purse went missing. I found our she was the last one who played with it, so I asked her, "Where is my pink purse?"
Then, she pointed at her cute little butt, and said, "Ni..."
"I said, where is my pink purse, not where is your Pampers! So, now, where is my pink purse?"
As expected, she did not understand and showed me her Pampers.






I am confused with myself.
Sometimes, I make friends so easily with strangers, other times I may not be as warm as I could be.

Like today, at work, I was with a new team of people. It's not like I don't know most of them, I do, but I couldn't be bothered to be jovial. They didn't care about me either, probably because I was not interesting enough. It felt really awkward because everybody was talking to each other except for me! I felt like I was in a new high school or something.

Then, as I was about to leave, a security guard came knocking on my car window. He asked me to lend him RM30, with promise that he will return the full amount in 2-3days. I showed him the content of my purse, I seriously only had RM7, I wanted to give him 5bucks, but he refused, "Nanti you pula tak ada duit," he said.

He must've needed the money bad. 30bucks may meant nothing for me, but to him, he didn't even have RM30!

I told about my boyfriend about how I felt- this 'kejap boleh kawan dengan mana-mana orang, kejap boleh kawan dengan certain people only' mode.

Him: Maybe you lebih suka berkawan dengan orang yang humble.
Me: Tak jugak...Kadang-kadang I kawan dengan orang tu bergantung kepada chemistry.

I am wondering what kind of people attract me to them. I don't know.

If it's chemistry, I also have some very close friends who I didn't have chemistry with, but hit it off after a few meetings.
Ada jugak yang sampai sekarang masih tak boleh ngam.

Brad P's bestfriend/ complicated friend for example. And I feel so guilty because Brad P gets along with my friends so well (too well sometiems) but I just couldn't have a proper relaxed conversation with his this one bestfriend.
Damn awkward!

Let's also analyse the bosses I can get along with. Boss A is kind, but I just couldn't talk to him like friends do. Everything between us is completely professional that sometimes we are in silence because we couldn't talk about anything else. However, the rest of my colleagues can have drinks and laugh with him.
Or Boss B who most people hate but I can simply tease him and feel at ease when he's around.

I don't understand myself.

I...Don't know where to start.

From the moment I thought I was falling with my boyfriend, I knew we just have to get married.
Like any other bride, I dream of a beautiful wedding. One that could be called mine.

So, ever since then, I have started collecting photos of the stuff I like for my wedding.

And whenever I attend a wedding, I always think mine would be better.

But anyway, due to my procastination nature and the lack of family support (I refuse only to blame myself! Even though I am at fault *shy*), I couldn't realize most of my plans.

I am so sad and mad at myself!

My ideas have gone down the drain because...I just paid an amount of money for the deposit for...a wedding coordinator (not a wedding planner, if only I was rich, FML).

The wedding coordinator will handle my wedding from A to Z. And what I meant by A to Z, I mean, A to Z!

Why am I so crazy to let a total stranger do things for MY wedding! This is my wedding, what if she screws up? What if I don't like what she does?

I am hyperventilating, palpitating, panicking all in one.

Gah! Why am I not rich again?

If I was rich, I could have had a better job with better pay (ie: my own company) and then take my own sweet time off work, fly to Indonesia, pick the nicest dress, pays the greatest wedding planner without a single drop a sweat, order the wedding planner to do things the way I want it to be, become a bridezilla because I am the one with the moolah...

WHO SAYS MONEY CAN'T BUY YOU HAPPINESS!

I wish I can rant more about this matter, but my boyfriend is on the line and he's there to calm me down, so I will talk to him and complaint more about it later, in this blog.

I found a great blog and it kept me awake. :)

Actually, I couldn't sleep well today, I kept tossing and turning, I hate mosquitoes, I forced myself to sleep but ended up thinking about my upcoming wedding, will I ever make it realize in time, or will it be postponed again?

Hmm...

The truth is, I have been blogging since 2002. I think I have lost most of my writings because the old server got revamped or something, plus I became lazy/ busy, so I simply quitted keeping track. I used to treasure them very much, thinking somehow, one day, I would want to read again what I had written, my tiny brain couldn't recall much of what happened, you know...

Especially because I was so bold about everything, I mentioned names, I wrote details, which consumed my reputation among my new friends.

And I wanted to see how myself evolve over the years...But I lost them all. Now, I am sad thinking about it!

Rebellion to depression, frank honesty to anonymosity, anger to acceptance, loud, outspoken, opinionated to being assertive, unambitious. I used to think I had a crystal clear concious about my life's principles, but in retrospect, I have broken most of them. What/ how/ when it all happened?

i-enthusiast.diaryland.com triggered this emotion. I read her entries up until 2005, then I lost her. I wonder how she is now. She was mature beyond her age, totally different from how I used to write at that age, or what was important to me back then.

She makes me feel shameful of my thoughts when I was a teenager/ in my early twenties! Haha. The good old days...

Anyway, reading her amazingly good English reminds me why I always think American scholars are greater than the British, the Malaysians studying overseas, I mean, in term of intellectual levels. Half of this is contributed by the education system. In the US, they encourage, even challenge their students to participate actively to voicing out their thoughts, conducting conferences, coming out from the closets, etc.

Sometimes, I even fantasize marrying somebody 2-3 years older than me, who spent some time in the US, I imagine having a heated, mind stimulating conversation with the guy, get angry and curse each other in words only few know, like how some of my friends do, but we are only platonic.

Also, I would say, the quality of the chosen ones to further studies overseas, being the top 10% of the national population, somehow, are better than the current generations!

Nowadays, I observe these students are only good in paper-based exams, not articulate enough, unable to think outside the box or simply cannot give a good analysis about the current news. Pathetic graduates.

Probably that's why I never fancy the doctors. Sorry.

I regret for not taking up the rare courses of my time: Biotechnology, Actuarial Science, Political Science, Mathematics. I regret for not taking minor, random courses. "Hello, I have a degree in Greek Mythology/ Social Science/ Chinese Culinary Arts/ French Revolution/ Dance History." My resume could have been awesome!

Speaking of Mathematics, a friend argued with me that why would anybody study Mathematics. It is just Maths, you have some formulas, you replace them with numbers, voila, you get the answers.
Well, it is not just about the answers, it is the journey, the beautiful minds of Al-Khwarizmi, Al-Jabbar, aren't you intrigued?
"Hello, I am a Mathematician." Even the sound of it is cool!

Now, I am mad at myself. Because I am getting older and choices are getting limited. They say there are always options, as long as you have the willpower. But I have commitments to other things too, I am no superhuman.

And I keep chanting to myself- Being ordinary is not so bad. Repeatedly.









I wish I received a degree from an American college, Masters from the UK, then worked in Japan, before finally settling down in Malaysia. Damn, I need to travel for one year. Damn, why am I not rich enough to drop everything and just fly to foreign lands.

FML.

But I will never trust my children's independence. Ah, the irony.

Koleksi cerita-cerita sedih berkisah benar.

1)

Husband and wife. Husband married a second wife. Wife number one gave birth to two kids. One killed herself. One ran away from home.

Husband had stroke and became paralysed.

Wife number 2 ran away.

Wife number one is taking care of her sick husband and the 6 stepchildren left by wife number 2.

Now, wife number one has cancer.

2)

A teenager met an accident and became paralysed.

Father is also paralysed.

Mother stopped working because she needs to take care of both of them.

Sisters stopped schooling and have to work to support the family.

3)

Husband and wife. Husband married a second wife.

Wife was pregnant with their first child.

Wife passed away during delivery.

Wife's mother fell sick and warded.

Child passed away two days later.

Wife's Father passed away on the same day.




Whenever I am sad, I try to remember the story from the glorious days of Islam. About a woman who lost all of her sons (six of them if I am not mistaken).

She always looked so happy despite the series of terrible deaths of her sons. One person thought she was the happiest person that person has ever met. So, that person asked her what's her secrets.

She then told that person that she was actually very lonely because all of her loved ones had gone. The only thing that kept her happy was the thought that all of them died in the holy war and she was glad that all her sons died a shahid.




So, don't be sad with your life unless you actually have a sad life.




Anyway, I found out that my sister was not very happy with me.
I didn't realize until I read what she wrote.

Basically, some relatives came from far so I treated my family member with lunch at a nice restaurant. It wasn't intended but I had my credit card with me so I offered myself to pay.

It wasn't too expensive, I would say, for 15 heads.

As usual, the pakciks and makciks were praising my generosity and they thought I was rich. My sister pulak terasa and makan hati.

So, in this case, was it my fault that she was hurt?

She mentioned things like, just because I work as this, just because I studied there, just because I am more outspoken than her, they thought I am all great, but they don't know that I come home late until 2-3am, sometimes I am being rude to my parents, etc etc.

Now that I am actually jotting it down, the things she said about me, ouch, it hurts!

If only she knows how sometimes I envy her in ways she'd never imagine.

If only she knows how I look myself in disgust, sometimes, I probably hate myself more than she hates me.

(Note: The previous post was written one day after his death. This was written about two weeks after)

Today is only a few days after 2 weeks of Father's passing.

I went back to work three days after is burial. I was strong. Like I said before, I keep telling myself that probably it was better for him to go when he was at home.

I was at the hospital the other day. I stood by a client's side when the doctor told the patient's family the devastating news.
"Orang, kalau dah lebih usia 50tahun, jantungnya akan jadi lemah."
Immediately, my eyes were filled up with tears. 'But this patient is still young. Father was still young!' I thought to myself. I excused myself and gathered the courage to face the day.

The next day, I learned that that particular client of mine passed away. For the first time of my life, I felt so attached to her, that I sobbed uncontrollably = she just reminded me so much of Father.

One lonely night, I laid on my bed. At the end of the line, was my ever faithful boyfriend, who accompanied my sleepless night. Softly, I told him my many regrets,

I was half-convinced that Father hated me.

"Abang, Abang rasa Father lebih sanggup mati daripada nikahkan I dengan you?"
Probably that was his wish. He was against us so much, probably that was Father's doa in front of the Kaabah.

My boyfriend said: "Sayang tak boleh fikir macam tu. Semua kerja Tuhan. Awal atau lewat mati. Father doa yang terbaik untuk anak dia. Supaya awak dapat suami yang soleh. Father dah restu perkahwinan kita. Family you pun dah boleh terima Abang. Mestilah dia nak nikahkan kita tapi tak kesampaian kerana panggilan Ilahi."

"Abang ingat sebelum Father pergi Mekah, Abang jumpa dia dan makan sekali dengan dia."

I became even more sad because, "Abang dapat duduk and makan dengan dia but I tak sempat nak berborak before dia pergi Mekah. Lepas balik dari Mekah pun tak sempat bercakap."

Oh, my God. It is so hard to type all this.

Many things ran through my mind like
How my children woundn't get to know their grandFather
Who would kiss me on my forehead on the day of my nikah
etc etc

Up to the point that it made me so angry that my boyfriend didn't wed me earlier!

Me: Kenapa cepat sangat pergi?
People: Sabar, Ectopy. Orang baik memang Tuhan sayang, mati cepat. Dia meninggal pun tak susah.

Dear Father,
Even if you hated me, I love you and I hope you forgive me even though I probably had hurt you for so many times before.

Everything fell into places on the day the Angel of Death took Father's life away from his mortal body (atas izin Allah).

It was a few days after his return from the holy land of Mecca.

I was at work when I received the call. I kinda knew what to expect upon hearing my brother's voice, something urgent, big, something to prepare for the worst.

In the usual state of denial, I kept my hope high, staying optimistic, 'Probably just a heart attack,' I thought to myself.

Noone greeted me at home, I slowly went upstairs, when I saw my sobbing family members and the lifeless body of Father on the bed.

Mother, I still remember, was crying and talking at that same time. Among her words were, "Kenapa pergi cepat sangat", "Menyesal tak dapat minta maaf", "Hati dia baik, dia bersih baru balik Mekah", "Dia tak pernah tinggal makan ubat, selalu ikut cakap doktor", "Apa nak buat ni..."

I checked for Father's pulse, I started CPR on him, but Mother said, "Mana boleh dah...Dia dah tak ada, dah biru..."

Slowly, I left the room, 'Father has gone', and the least I could do for him now was to cover my aurat with the newly imported black jubah and grabbed the Yaasin and recited the surah.

God is Great because it was all well planned.

- My sister was scheduled for home that day. She was already on her way when she found out
- Kain ihram = Kain kapan (but in the end, we used the one supplied by the Masjid)
- Father bought minyak attar, which fragrance d his body
- Since my parents just came back from Hajj, we had cash in hand which was for the people who helped in handling the jenazah. We also distributed the kopiah and tasbih
- There were 4 deaths that day, so we had to wait for our turn for the burial of the grave, which allowed my sister to attend the funeral just in time

I am very satisfied with the whole process. I am proud of my family holding it together.

The next day, my aunt came to me and advised us to do prayers for Father. She was saying that Father had worked so hard to give us a good life.

I broke down because I know she was telling the truth. We weren't very well-off before. Father worked from the bottom up to get us here, to live comfortably but he wasn't able to enjoy what he earned because he left at the tender age of 63.

On the same day, Mother asked me, whether Father would survive if he was taken to the doctor earlier. Honestly, I don't know.

And honestly, I prefer him not dying on the hospital bed. It would be too uncomfortable for him. He would hate the needle pricks, he would hate the wires. I would hate the facts if the doctors are unable to save him. I would hate it if other hospital personnel who are unrelated to Father giving distant, unpersonalized comments about Father.





Father died exactly one year after my maternal grandmother passed away.

Personally, I don't give a damn about the date, I think it is useless. Unless we use the Islamic calendar, then I would appreciate the coincidence better.

But I guess, it is alright, as long as it makes it easier for Mother to remember both of her beloved mother and husband.





No doubt I am extremely sad of Father's passing.

My boyfriend and I had always imagined us being finally blessed. Father had always wanted a grandson, so my boyfriend had repeatedly said that once we got married, a boy would be our first child and Father would make him his favourite grandchild. A bond will form and we will be tight.

Father left too early.

Who will I hug with now that Father won't be there to marry me off to my boyfriend?

And forever I would wonder, what did he pray for, especially for me, when he was performing the Hajj?

Semoga ayah saya mendapat Haji mabrur, meninggal dunia dalam iman.

the great depressions

Hey hey, I owe you guys the detailed post, I actually already drafted them (yes, more than one) since one day after his passing, but I will only post it when the mood comes. Thank you for all the lovely wishes though.

Today, I have an entirely different mood. Very mixed feelings actually.

I am supposed to go out tonight but my friend cancelled our meeting. I don't mind going alone, but I guess I want to write rather than shop at the moment.

So, many of friends are depressed. And I am depressed too after hearing them depressed. The thing is, I don't know whether I am sad on their behalf, or I am simply sad because I feel like I am being left out, so I force myself to be sad just to be one of them.

First great depression.
One friend is depressed because he is having doubt whether or not to proceed with marriage. He said he thinks his fiance is not being faithful. He wants us to tell the truth, but who are we to judge?
I certainly won't go up the point of telling him that his fiance has been feeding other guys, been bertepuk tampar with other guys, er, because I probably have done the same with my guy friends but somehow my friends don't have a problem with it, but still, I terasa lah okay!

So, here is my thought:
I am being supportive, whatever his decision is.

To be on his side, I would say:
Look, if you are having doubt, if you really think you won't be happy with this relationship, you better break it off now. I don't want you to get married just for the sake that you are already engaged to her. You must remember that you can always leave now, it would be much harder if you suddenly decide to leave after you have screwed her. You have to think, by that time, you might already have kids, or shared properties, or your families might be just too involved, or you just spent too much money on your wedding that is it worth it to get separated by then? It is like cancer, the more you wait, it will spread, and it will just consume you.

On the other hand:
Yes, probably she just craves the attentions from all these guys, which is good, because it means she is desirable but you are the one she is going to marry. You already know she is this type since the very beginning, if you really love her, you should've accepted her who she is, the way she is. I am sure she loves you very much, don't worry too much, they are just her friends, you should trust her. Probably you should spend more time with her. What about you, yourself? Do you have another girl? Are you just making excuses to relief yourself from whatever guilt you are having? She told you that it's nothing, why are you still not convinced?

Hmm...

My friends and I were talking about this but they had two very opposing opinions on this.

My male friend said: I think his fiance is not good enough for him. We, as friends, should tell him the truth. We should help and direct him. Do you want to see our friend suffer in pain? Do you want to lie to him? Do you want your friends to lie or not say things they know, if you were in his shoes?

My female friend pulak said: I don't want to see him. I'm scared if I accidentally tell him things that I shouldn't be telling. I don't want to be the cause of their break-up. This is their lives, they should settle it themselves. I don't want to be involved.

Now, do you understand why is this such a dilemma?

Second great depression.
One friend is depressed because of work. He feels unhappy at work and suddenly went missing for a few days. I tried calling for so many times, I thought he lost his mobile phone. I joked around telling people that he probably literally ran away from work.

I had no idea I had psychic power because that exactly what happened. After three days of trying to contact him, he finally answered my call. "Where have you been?" I asked. He said something big had happened and he can't tell me over the phone. We were supposed to meet but circumstances did not permit.

Finally, we just had the talk over the phone and I was so shocked with the whole story that I didn't even know how to respond. I ended up scolding him and said that his decision was bad that it will hunt him for life. Now that I am writing this, I feel bad for not being so supportive.

The good thing is, after the conversation, I actually feel envy. At least he had the guts to say, "I need a break from all this shit," and took a flight to Singapore a few hours later.

"You know, this is not Europe where flight tickets are cheap and you can travel without a passport," I told him. His sense of humour was still intact, "With AirAsia, everyone can fly!"

He should've invited me along for that impromptu trip. I would've accompanied him. We are each other's travel partners!

What bothers me is that he hesitated to tell me about his problem. We are tight, so it shouldn't be an issue of me judging me. Am I not his close friend anymore?

The only explanation I can find is when he told me that one of the early triggers was right after he took an emergency leave to pay me a visit after Father's death. He was probably dying to talk to me but I was in a much greater distress that staying quiet and focusing it all on me was the least he could do.

He said it's not so much of him unable to execute or accomplish the targets of his work, it's just that he is not happy doing it. He keeps thinking whether is this the life he wants, whether is this his dream job. In a way, I admire how he takes charge of his life, in determination to be happy.

Third great depression.
One friend is depressed because he was attacked by her colleague on Facebook. Her colleague have openly expressed her dislike and disgust towards her. Being reasonable, I think her colleague might have her reasons for calling my friend 'bossy' and 'berlagak', but this is my friend we are talking about, so I am taking my friend's side. Of course, at the same time, I am trying to make my friend realize why the help she is thinking giving, are not being appreciated and is being misinterpreted although she means well.

The good news is, she is also going out with this one or two guys that she cannot choose whom she wants. Oh, how I miss being single and being sought after and going out with different guys. Oh, how I miss those tingling feeling of prettiness, those excitements. The courting part is always wonderful!

Anyway, speaking of cat-fight, I have my own version last week. It's more to high-school mean girls type actually. There this one girl that almost everybody hates. I tried being diplomatic everytime we talked about her since she never really directly did anything to annoy/ hurt me. In fact, she was actually quite a sweet thing, if you did not know her (cue to roll my eyes).

Basically, I spoke too soon and she did something to me. My friend quickly reported her bitchiness to me, so I was like, "I thought she has no issue with me!". The reply I got from my friend was, "Ectopy, she has no issue with you, but she just does this to everybody."

So, in the end, I became the member of the hate club. The situation got heated when she messed with the wrong girl, the one who actually speaks her mind. So this other colleague of mine burst and frankly told her that nobody liked her.

This story was fired up very quickly and everybody knows. No more hiding their hatred, that it got public to Facebook, not so direct but still obvious. (This remind me of my third depressed friend)

The little sweet thing was totally oblivious about the fact she has no friends (duh!) and she finally received the shock of her life (snickers snickers). She digested it all for three days and subsequently asked for apologies.

And all the while I was not totally depressed. What lah me! The end.

I was thinking of replying her apology message, but nah, I never was really bothered in the first place. Chapter closed.

My life now is not dramatic at all. My boyfriend is out of radar again, I couldn't contact him and that's why I decided to call my friends for updates. In the end, I get a depression because I have a stable life. Ectopy, be careful of what you are wishing for!




P/S: The other day, I went to a wedding which was planned by Pak Engku. I didn't know how he looks like until he gave me his business card out of nowhere. My friend said, "Nampak sangat muka kau ni muka tak kahwin lagi." With a great comeback, I said, "At least muka aku ni nampak berduitlah, nampak macam bolehlah nak afford dia as my wedding planner."
And we broke into laughters. Bilalah aku nak kahwin ni...

Pertamanya, saya tidak dapat memahami orang-orang picisan yang berlagak hebat semata-mata mereka bekerja untuk orang hebat, lalu secara tidak langsung, mereka mengenali orang-orang hebat, padahal diri sendiri seorang rakyat jelata yang biasa-biasa sahaja.

"Enjoying the power," as one of my friends put it.

Saya juga tidak memahami orang-orang hebat yang melayan permintaan 'ridiculous' orang-orang yang kurang hebat. Mungkin mereka menjalankan tanggungjawab 'berjiwa rakyat' agaknya.

Natijahnya, rakyat picisan yang tidak mempunyai apa-apa tapi perasan hebat, mulalah naik kepala kerana mendapat layanan istimewa.

Ini tidak adil!

1) Semua orang berhak mendapat layanan sama rata. Miskin atau kaya, sama saja! Itu prinsip saya! Walaupun anda cakap anda adalah rakan baik kepada sekian sekian, ada aku kisah?

2) To begin with, you are not even that great. Setakat pernah berkhidmat untuk sekian sekian, hebat sangat ke? Entah-entah, you pun pernah berkhidmat untuk bapak aku! Kawan-kawan I tu siap ada pertalian darah secara terus (direct) dengan Tan Sri, Dato', Sultan, tapi tak kecoh pun. You don't know because we don't tell. If you knew, you'd be ashamed.

3) Hah, orang-orang atasan ni pun suka melayan orang-orang yang buat kecoh tak tentu pasal semata-mata takut isu tersebut sampai ke peringkat antarabangsa agaknya. Kalau ikut sabda Nabi, baginda cakap lebih kurang macam ni lah maksudnya, "Jangan berdebat dengan orang bodoh."
Tahu kenapa? Sebab, perbuatan berdebat, atau dalam konteks sekarang ini, melayan orang bodoh, bukan sahaja perbuatan yang membuang masa, malah kita pun boleh tertarik jadi bodoh sekali.
Orang bodoh takkan menerima pendapat orang lain. Orang bodoh suka memutar belit. Orang bodoh tidak akan faham perbualan intelek. Orang bodoh adalah bodoh pemikiran dan bodoh sikap. Jikalau hendak berbahas dengan orang bodoh, we have to lower our intellectual to their level. So, do you want to associate yourself with stupid people?



My staff said, "Eh, dia tu nampak educated juga. Cakap English!"

I said, "Akak, setakat cakap English tu, driver taxi pun pandai cakap...Tak apa, nanti Tuhan balas...Satu hari nanti dia akan rasa apa yang kita rasa..."

What makes me stay grounded is when my staff said this: Kalau dia tak rasa pun, mak ayah dia, anak-anak dia akan rasa. Akak dah lama dah kerja, dah banyak kali akak tengok. Percayalah, Tuhan balas sekejap je, kalau tidak pada dia, pada kaum keluarga dia.

That was the drama last week.






Yesterday, I was under pressure to finish work. I was trying my best to do it all, while my boss just stood there watching and said, "What is it taking you so long?"

Sangat marah!

My other staff, an elderly, could have been as old as my aunt, sat down and said this, "Kenapalah awak pilih kerja ni? Kita kena pilih kerja yang buat kita happy."

Off she continued her lecture on how we must take care of our parents, how she took care of her paralysed father-in-law for 10 years without any health complications, how she was able to go on holidays with a stroke patient, how successful her children are and how proud her husband would have been if he was still alive to see them.

And I broke down.

So I said, "Sorry, kak, saya sedih sebab ayah saya baru meninggal."

My colleague saw, asked what happened, I told him, "Nothing, I was just reminded about my father."

Later on, I excused myself to the toilet and gathered my courage to face the day.