(Note: The previous post was written one day after his death. This was written about two weeks after)

Today is only a few days after 2 weeks of Father's passing.

I went back to work three days after is burial. I was strong. Like I said before, I keep telling myself that probably it was better for him to go when he was at home.

I was at the hospital the other day. I stood by a client's side when the doctor told the patient's family the devastating news.
"Orang, kalau dah lebih usia 50tahun, jantungnya akan jadi lemah."
Immediately, my eyes were filled up with tears. 'But this patient is still young. Father was still young!' I thought to myself. I excused myself and gathered the courage to face the day.

The next day, I learned that that particular client of mine passed away. For the first time of my life, I felt so attached to her, that I sobbed uncontrollably = she just reminded me so much of Father.

One lonely night, I laid on my bed. At the end of the line, was my ever faithful boyfriend, who accompanied my sleepless night. Softly, I told him my many regrets,

I was half-convinced that Father hated me.

"Abang, Abang rasa Father lebih sanggup mati daripada nikahkan I dengan you?"
Probably that was his wish. He was against us so much, probably that was Father's doa in front of the Kaabah.

My boyfriend said: "Sayang tak boleh fikir macam tu. Semua kerja Tuhan. Awal atau lewat mati. Father doa yang terbaik untuk anak dia. Supaya awak dapat suami yang soleh. Father dah restu perkahwinan kita. Family you pun dah boleh terima Abang. Mestilah dia nak nikahkan kita tapi tak kesampaian kerana panggilan Ilahi."

"Abang ingat sebelum Father pergi Mekah, Abang jumpa dia dan makan sekali dengan dia."

I became even more sad because, "Abang dapat duduk and makan dengan dia but I tak sempat nak berborak before dia pergi Mekah. Lepas balik dari Mekah pun tak sempat bercakap."

Oh, my God. It is so hard to type all this.

Many things ran through my mind like
How my children woundn't get to know their grandFather
Who would kiss me on my forehead on the day of my nikah
etc etc

Up to the point that it made me so angry that my boyfriend didn't wed me earlier!

Me: Kenapa cepat sangat pergi?
People: Sabar, Ectopy. Orang baik memang Tuhan sayang, mati cepat. Dia meninggal pun tak susah.

Dear Father,
Even if you hated me, I love you and I hope you forgive me even though I probably had hurt you for so many times before.

1)
Him: Tadi I jumpa Abang Amir, dia tanya pasal you. I cakap, I dah lama tak jumpa you sebab parents you pergi Mekah, kita tak boleh jumpa.
Me: Uh-huh...
Him: Abang Amir cakap, "Alimnya kau ni..." Abang cakap, "Mestilah kena jaga, ni nak buat bini ni!"

(Love love)

2)
Him: Tengah buat apa?
Me: Boring...Tak tahu nak buat apa...Abang, Majalah Tiga cerita pasal kucing...
Him: Yeke? Abang nak pergi tengok lah...
Me: ...(Phone disconnected)...

He chose the cats over me!

3) I know my boyfriend so well that I noticed he called me more frequent than usual- three times during lunch time, and a few more after that.

After work, he called me again. This time, I was alone in the car and not surrounded by my colleagues, so I asked him straight, "What happened today? Kenapa you call I banyak kali hari ni?"

Bf: You ni, I call pun salah, I tak call pun salah!
Me: Tak de lah...Kenapa you ni? Lain macam je...
Bf: Rindu girlfriend sendiri pun tak boleh ke?
Me: Eleh, rindu ke? Semalam I hantar gambar, you terus tidur, tak cakap apa-apa pun!

The night before, I sent an MMS to my boyfriend wearing a traditional costume. I just bought it and was so excited to let my boyfriend see it.

Bf: I suka lah you pakai baju tu. Comel gila...Tadi I siap tunjuk gambar tu dekat kawan I, dia cakap awak cantik, muka manja.

Then he laughed.

Bf: Sebab tu I call you banyak kali hari ni, sebab takut ada orang nak tackle you. Biar diorang tau you dah ada suami dah!
Me: Kan I dah agak dah! You lain macam hari ni sebab kawan you puji I, lepas tu suddenly you nak sebok-sebok call I pulak! Hahaha! Takutlah tu!

4) My boss is having a scandal with my colleague and I don't like it.

Not because I am jealous, but because my boss is married with kids and the whole department knows about it because they are not being discrete at all!

I used to respect him because I thought he was a nice, good-looking, decent boss. Now, I question his credibility.

Another colleague tried talking to the mistress, but she said, "He's all worth it."

Bitch.

Eee, I tak suka betullah! Kesian wife dia! I hate them both! I hate men. Lelaki jahat!

Message received:
"Salam, just want to share starting next month Jan 2011 all the foreign workers "maids, restaurant waiters, cleaners" will get privilage to admit at PRIVATE HOSPITAL payable by their employers insurance company. If your company provide room sharing with 2 or 4 or 6 ppl in a room and u plan to upgrade plan to SINGLE ROOM cuz don't want to share room with those kind of ppl...do contact me by today..tq"

I am so annoyed when I got the message, I wish I had the nerve to tell her off. And the way she emphasized her words, siap buat capital letters lagi...Please lah!

How could you label foreign workers, the maid, the restaurant waiters and the cleaners, as 'those kind of people' as if they don't deserve to live!
What kind of mentality is this!

Hina sangat ke diorang tu sampai tak mahu share sebilik dengan diorang dalam hospital!

Well, you know what, I will never buy any insurance policy from you, Miss You-think-you-are-so-great!

I don't like it when we are treated different from each other just because of our social status. No matter how insignificant a person is, that person must have at least do some contribution to our society.

You downgrade your maids, your restaurant waiters and you cleaners, I want to see how you survive without them. Probably one of your family members will become one and I want to see how you handle it.
And you are so stupid, you have no idea how some of these foreign workers actually contribute to generate our economy, don't you?

I don't know why I am so emo about this.

Oh, yes, probably because I have been in foreign countries and I have seen how my smart friends who did odd jobs to support themselves. I have seen how some employers think we had very low IQs but for the matter of facts, we were studying to become professionals who automatically ensure us to earn way more than them!
I have seen how some employers treat us so badly but guess what, we come very good families, our parents can afford way more than our employers could, but we did what we did just because...

Humans are all the same!
And it is not so bad to share a hospital rooms with 'those kind of people'.

Karma will hunt you one day.

My friend and I were talking the other day. He was in distress because he was having some issues with a colleague. He said the only thing that held him back from committing a revenge is the advice he received from our boss.

Our boss said, "Just remember, never be a bad person. Not even to your staffs. Because you don't know, someday, your staff will become your boss. As for me, for example, I used to coach *Jenny. Now, *Jenny is working as my colleague, and she is even doing our schedule. Could you imagine what she can do to me if I was bad towards her years ago?"

Me: So, how are things?

Bf: Everything's okay.

Me: How's Adam?

Bf: Okay.

Me: Andrew?

Bf: Okay.

(Okay this was getting boring, so I returned my focus to Adam, my boyfriend's good-looking bestfriend :) )

Me: Adam bagi apa untuk birthday girlfriend dia?

Bf: Entah, I tak tanya.

Me: Girlfriend dia bagi apa untuk birthday Adam?

Bf: Perfume kot.

Me: Boring lah girlfriend Adam ni! Baik I yang couple dengan Adam! Hehehe...

Bf: I ketuk kepala you karang!

Me: Hahahaha...You tau tak, orang cakap, 'Jikalau sayangkan burung, biarkan burung itu terbang bebas. Kalau burung itu memang untuk mu, burung itu akan terbang kembali kepadamu'.

Bf: Mana boleh! Kalau ada orang lain tangkap burung tu, macam mana dia nak terbang dah! Falsafah mana you ambil ni. Salah! Tak boleh guna pakai! Biarlah burung tu mati dalam sangkar Abang, jangan mati dalam sangkar orang lain!

Me: Hahahahaha!

Bf: (Laughs) Pandai-pandai je you berfalsafah ye...

Me: I baca dalam blog orang lah!

As much as sometimes, I wish to leave the country and work somewhere else, last night and today made me glad that I had not. I don't like the Malaysian working mentality, but I guess I have to make it tolerable.

1) Even though my aunt is nearing her 7th decade, she knows how to use Facebook. Ehem. Auntie moden ni...And so, she uploaded the photos of her and her spouse, touring Europe because I have a cousin who married a local and lives there.

Nice. I want to go there someday. Then, I saw the photo of another aunt (let's name her aunt number 2) who lives 24 hours away from Malaysia, also in Europe together with my aunt and uncle. But aunt number 2 is with a Mat Salleh. So, I guess, the Mat Salleh is her new boyfriend.

Aunt number 2 has two children, the first is even older than me. And now she has a new boyfriend, I didn't even know she was divorced because Mother told me she was not. I guess, the correct term to use is aunt number 2 and her husband bukan Melayu is separated.

Giving the state I am in right now, in terms of faith, I don't think I'd be able to resist all the temptations there are overseas. For me, the people who can survive far from their comfort zones, and still have their feet grounded, are the strongest people around. Their foundations are so strong that you could put them anywhere and they will still be the same.

I am fortunate to be protected by a familiar environment. Kalau tak, mesti dah sesat juga.

2) Last night, I received a call from Peter.

"Buat apa? Jom keluar minum?"

I asked, "Dengan siapa?"

"Dengan orang biasa lah..."

Orang biasa would be Peter, Zainal, Joe and I. We were classmates when we were in highschool. We were together for only two years, but I am so glad that we are still in touch after more than 10 years.

We used to be really close, but after school, we went separate ways. Peter were kicked out from school even before SPM (he sat for SPM in another school), Zainal went to Japan and Joe studied in a local university.

Peter is the one who always get people together. And he also includes me most of the time. Like last night. We meet up probably once a year, or once every three months, but our phone numbers never change and it is always easy to contact them.

See, I could never join the late night sessions if I were abroad.

However, I don't understand with the girls in my class. A couple of them are getting married in December and they don't even bother to ask for my address. Sure, their status says: "Please leave your address in my message box" but that's not enough! It's so not personal, so distant, so ajak-ajak ayam.

Don't ever do that! It's rude!

I've shared a couple years with them, they were like my sisters back in school. Maybe that's why it hurts me. If they had invited me properly, I would have taken a leave and willingly go as far as I have to just to be a part of their big days.

I won't do that to any of my guests. I would personally message them via phone or Facebook and say something like, "Hi. How are you? Just to let you know that I am getting married and it will be a great pleasure if you can come. It's a good excuse to see you after a very long time. I really hope you can make it" or something like that.

I wouldn't care if my fingers break for typing it to so many people as long as people can sense my sincerity in having them at my special ceremony.

I know Peter, Joe or Zainal will never do that to me. They will even ask me out for minum-minum before they tie the knot. I know this because Joe did ask us out the night before his engagement and we actually sat down and talk until 4am.

Entahlah. Perhaps girls just don't like me. I better stick to my male friends.

Or I should start growing up and learn not to care. It's just a stupid wedding. Tak payah la nak amik hati sangat.

Lately, financial issues have become very sensitive for my boyfriend. Honestly, I don't mind at all, but somehow, he would get offended with what I said even though I meant it differently.

Apparently, we are not the only couple who fight about this.

I have a married friend who one day, came to work looking glum.

Then, she told me that her life after marriage is not all flowers and candies.

I asked her what was wrong, so she spilled to me about her stingy husband.

Her husband makes, on average, 6 digits monthly salary. He's young and successful but he is very protective about his money. My friend wants her husband to buy her this and that, but her husband said, "Why can't you use your own money? You are working and make good money as well."

How could he compare, someone who makes less than RM10k per month, with someone who earns hundred thousands of ringgit per month!

Anyway, this husband sometimes left a RM50 not to my friend in the morning, which my friend commented, "My father also gave me RM50 when I was 17! I feel like a schoolkid! He is so rich, but RM50?!"

I understand where she's coming from. It's not about the amount of money that he gives, but the generosity. Why does he let his wife ask when he can simply give without being asked to?

My friend however feels bad herself, "Perhaps I am tamak. It's probably my fault. I am asking too much, am I?"

I tried to be diplomatic, I really don't want to take sides, so I said, "Come on, I'm sure your boyfriend spends on something. My boyfriend always spends on his jeans and clothes."

"He spends on his gadgets. Our house is very canggih one. But that doesn't count."

"What about cars? You can choose whatever car you choose to drive, right?"

"Yes, but there are all under his names."

Hm...

"Next time, when you go shopping, you just ask. Maybe he's the type who needs to be asked."

"I ask many times. He does buy me things, but after much of nagging and eventually reluctantly buy the designer handbags I want. He could afford them, but why is it so hard for me to get them?"

"Maybe he was raised not to spend so much. He wasn't all the time rich, I assume?"

"Yes. His family wasn't very well-off until he started this business."

"See...That's why...Look, why don't you ask for something that you guys can do together. Like go have vacations or something."

"I tried! He doesn't want! I don't mean to brag, but we could go to London every week if we want to, but nak pergi sekali setahun pun dia taknak! We could have stayed in a nice hotel, but he'd choose a simple 3-star hotel."

I finally gave up and said, "Next time, you tell your husband, you simpan duit banyak banyak nak buat apa hah!!!"

She smiled a bit. "It's not so much about the money, you know. It's just that he is the husband. He has the responsibility to take care of me. He is the one who is supposed to support me. I don't feel like I am married. I love him. But...I don't know lah. Maybe we got married too young."

"What about your birthday?"

"I don't get anything for my birthday. And our anniversary is coming up. I don't whether I have the mood to celebrate it. Why must I buy him a present when he doesn't buy me anything? I don't care, next time, I am going to ask for the most expensive diamond ring and he better buys it to me!"

Isn't it ironic that people who have loads of money, fight about money?

I hope my boyfriend realizes that I love him whether he is rich or not. I hate it to be extra careful in my conversation just so he doesn't get overly sensitive if I talk the material world.

(Sigh)

relationships

I love just sitting at home doing nothing. Er, if surfing the Internet is considered nothing.

My boyfriend called just now,
Him: Hai, Sayang!
Me: Hai, Sayang!
Him: Hai, Sayang!
Me: Hai, Sayang!
Him and I screaming: Hai, Sayanggggg!!!

(Laughs) I love it when we act silly together!

Me: You ni, layan je I...Cuba sekali sekala tu you tak layan I...
Him: I rasa you sayang I sebab I selalu layan you kan?

(Laughs)

Him: Tengah buat ape?
Me: Tengok gambar orang kahwin. Abang, jom lah kahwin.
Him: Kita kahwinlah, Sayang...
Me: Cantiklah diorang ni kahwin. Mekap cantik, baju cantik...Tapi mahal lah...
Him: Agak-agak kita kahwin nanti, cantik tak?
Me: Mestilah I cantik! You, I tak tahulah...

(Laughs)

Him: You ni, dari dulu sampai sekarang suka kenakan I! Walaupun I tak handsome, I tetap suami you tau!

(Laughs)

I am in love.

Last week, I befriended with a colleague. She asked a lot about my boyfriend, and I willingly told her about him

Friend: Boyfriend you sounds like someone who is baik hati.
Me: Memang dia baik pun. I rasa kalau dia tak baik, mesti I dah tinggalkan dia. Because he
doesn't have anything else. He's not rich, not handsome, he is just so kind-hearted. (Smiles)

Friend: Why aren't you with Brad P? You guys would make a great couple.
Me: Because, if me and him were to happen, it's like bertepuk sebelah tangan. Eh, no, mana-mana tangan pun tak bertepuk. Besides, Brad P has too many admirers. He's genuinely nice to everyone.
Friend: Yes, I understand what you mean. I know he doesn't do it intentionally to play with their hearts, but some girls might take it wrongly.
Me: I can never imagine my boyfriend treating all girls the way Brad P does. Kalau dia buat jugak, siap dia!





Yesterday, I received a call from my good friend, Jack.
Jack: Cuti?
Me: Yes.
Jack: Plan apa hari ni?
Me: Tak ada plan lagi. Tengah tengok TV ni.
Jack: I baru balik kerja ni...Nak lepak kejap. Tak tahu nak ajak siapa.
Me: Your girlfriend?
Jack: Yeah lah! I totally forgot about her! Dah lama I tak contact dia!
Me: Oh, my God! Jack, tak baik lah buat macam tu!
Jack: Dia pun tak contact I jugak...Jom keluar.
Me: Pergi mana? I nak makan! I dah lama tak makan yang sedap-sedap!

And so, we decided to meet at Pavillion.

Jack: Hari tu, Samsul belikan chocolate Godiva ni untuk girlfriend dia.
Me: Oh, my God! Bencinya diorang ni! Bestnya jadi girlfriend Samsul!
Jack: I rasa, Samsul tu tak patutlah...
Me: What do you mean tak patut? Diorang bukannya ada problem pun kan...
Jack: Yeah, but I think Samsul is pampering his girlfriend too much. He's always buying things for her and she rarely buys him things...
Me: Biarlah!
Jack: I think, and this is not only me thinking, Samsul je yang gives all the efforts to make their relationship works.
Me: Samalah macam you and your girlfriend kan!
Jack: (Laughs) That's because she wants me, bukan I yang nak kat dia!

I don't know how else to advice this dear friend of mine.

Too many mistakes since the very beginning.

His girlfriend has been waiting for him for so long. Until one fine day, they went out, and the girl poured her heart out about liking him.
Jack was touched, but being the typical guy that he is, he was unable to refuse her. I mean, she is a girl, he is a guy, there was girl who was throwing herself at him!

The girl even cried in tears of joy/ gladness when he said that he would give it a try.

OMG.

Once I found he is already in a relationship and the fact the girl cried in front of him, I told Jack that he better not breaks this girl's heart.

I know Jack and I know he is not so serious about this girl. I told him to take it slow and be truthful.

Jack said, "I am taking it slow. I told her this is a trial."

Yeah, right. He is not even being a good boyfriend to her so far.

I don't want to be a bad friend and lead him to a break-up, but I know sooner or later, things are going to get ugly. That's why I encourage him to call her, meet her, but he is always delaying it. I don't know whether he is intentionally doing it so that the girl would call it off instead of him.

I AM AGAINST FORCED/ OPPORTUNISTIC/ CONVENIENT LOVE.
I don't believe it will last and it will only cause pain.

And I don't understand why people want to rush into being in love just because "That person is nice, comes from a good family, has a good job."
People should wait until they meet someone who makes their hearts spark, not just because someone is there, so better grab him/ her.

You should be with the person who makes you truly happy. It's worth the wait.

This morning, I received an early morning call from my boyfriend. With his obvious just-woke-up-from-sleep voice, he asked me, "Do you love me?"

He asked whether I love him or not, at the wrong hour. It was 7am! Perlukah?

"Kenapa setiap hari you mesti tanya soalan yang sama?"

Him: Sebab Dato' Fadzilah Kamsah kata, nak tambah kasih sayang kena cakap 'I love you' hari-hari. Kena tanya selalu. Kalau dah malas nak jawab tu, maksudnya ada problem.

Me: I tanak ikut cakap Dato' Fadzilah Kamsah!

Seriously, I don't know why people would listen to his motivational talks. So not cool.





As most of you have probably know, I deal a lot with third class citizens. These are the people I wouldn't know existed if I didn't accept this job.

So, I met with this one family whom I pity so much. They are so poor.

"Kasihannya..." I said, regretting the poverty and cruelty that we have in this world.

"Boss, tak payah nak kasihan dekat orang macam ni...Diorang cukup sifat, boleh bekerja, antara rajin atau malas je..." said of my staffs.

Though I have to agree with her, but I also feel that the world could be unfair and with all the selfish rich people around, it must be so hard to come out from the bottom and beat the odds with the limited sources that you have.

I never deny that I am at where I am now, just because I am blessed with a good family with good connections and I went to good schools my entire life. I grew up in a controlled environment, so I turned out okay and fortunate. Even with that, sometimes, I feel that it is so difficult to keep up.

One person asked me, why I didn't go all out to capture the snatch thief who hit me and broke my car. There were CCTVs, I could have done the 'kawad cam' or described him to an artist. But I did not. I made a police report, I slept and I went back to work as usual.
I never gave my answers.

Actually, I really don't care if a person is a drug addict, a criminal, or simply plain lazy, because I just cannot believe a person is born evil. They just got on the wrong foot, mixed with the wrong crowd, grew up in a broken family. Deep down, they are good, it's just that we have to dig in into their rotten souls to find it.
Some people are desperate. I probably would have done the same if I were in their shoes.
I am trying not to judge these people. I don't want to punish them without knowing, ignoring the, 'What about the good things they have done in their lives, do we ever acknowledge those?' I let the justice to be done by God, because afterall, the hardest thing is to be a just leader.

Come on, even the prostitute who fed water to the dog in the desert is forgiven by God, why can't I?

I wish we can do more to help, no matter what nationality or race or faith we believe in. We are all human.

From experience, I always want to help but I don't know where to start. I have a lot of clothes that I don't want to wear anymore.
Previously, before my family moved to this current residence, I live in an open, friendly neighbourhood where donations could be collected freely. Beggars would come knocking on our doors asking to buy silly things (keropok lah, sticker ayat-ayat Quran lah) and Mother would serve them with water (because they are usually so tired from walking under the scorching hot sun) and then, open up our shoe rack and ask the kids to pick pairs of shoes, or Mother would bring down used clothes and give them away.

I don't get people doing that anymore. It's probably because now we live in a guarded community, gates are closed and I don't think they are allowed to go up the apartments. It's so sad.

So, please, I urge my readers to contribute. The easiest that I've found so far is
http://www.cimbclicks.com.my/cimbcares.htm

Or maybe, the next time you decide to bernazar, why not bernazar to donate some money instead of fasting for a change?






Have I ever told you how much I love Amazing Race? I even sometimes imagine myself in the race, winning! But who would I choose to be my partner? Definitely not my boyfriend. He is not very competitive and I don't think he has what it takes to win, haha, sorry, boyfriend, but it's true!

Besides, friends as a team is so much more fun than couples on a team. Couples are usually too emotional.

Having watched the latest Amazing Race on AXN makes me feel like going to Sweden and Russia. I also want to go Norway, Japan, Egypt, Italy etc.

I wish I have the money and ample of time to enjoy myself there.

Money. Tadi baru ajak suruh menderma, sekarang dah nak belanja pergi jalan-jalan pulak.

Aku manusia yang tak pernah puas. Heh.

I love vacations.
Because I can dress up.
People give compliments on my look.
And take photos with me because I have style.

:)

The nice people make me believe I still have it.

Yahoo!

in pursue of a purse

Yeay! On a happier note, I am no longer sad, because, well, I shall not dwell on the past. I've already accepted the fact that it's simply parts and parcels of life and I am currently in the phase of mending myself back to my usual.

So, I am wondering whether we have a River Island store in Malaysia.

I thought I've seen it once, probably about two to three years ago. I remember the items were sold expensively but I can't remember the location.

I thought it was in Pavilion but when I looked through the directory, the store was nowhere to be found. I know there's none in KLCC, so, I think lah, the store is somewhere in the building opposites of KLCC. I can't recall the name of the building! Grr, it makes me so angry, even my boyfriend can't help.

I've tried to Google it but to no avail.

I am in need for a new purse. My old purse is a favourite. Why? Because it's cheap, small, unique and so pretty (superb combination, I must say)! It's a kiddy purse and I bought it for about RM25, could you believe it? However, because it is cheap, I think, the material has kinda already fallen to places.

My next one has to be small, unique and pretty, too, but not necessarily cheap. My friends, the two guys that I keep mentioning, especially the new one, keep pushing me to increase my shopping budget because he thinks I am being too cheap. Haha. I am not stingy, I am simply careful with my expenditure.

He is always like, "Ectopy, buy it! If you like it, just buy it. Don't think. You will never buy anything if you think. Ectopy, buy! Buy! I am buying more than you!"
Why can't he just offer, "If you don't buy, I'll buy it for you!" Haha, dream on...

My purse has to be small so that it can easily fit into my pocket. Sometimes, I don't like to carry my handbag just for a movie or dinner. Just my purse and mobile phone. Do you know how much stuffs they are in my handbag? It's so heavy, I tend to chuck everything in it hence the avoidance of carrying my heavy handbag every time I get the chance. So, that's why my purse has to be small and presentable.

A purse is a good investment, no?


Actually, they are not too expensive lah, probably a little over a hundred bucks, but I like it just because it is small, pretty and I know the brand is not very well recognized in Malaysia. I don't like seeing people having the same stuffs as mine. That's why I don't go ga-ga over Guess, MNG, LV and Gucci. Too many imitations and too popular that everybody wants them. (No offense, but that's just how I am)

Kalau ikutkan hati, I nak beli online je, but River Island don't ship to Malaysia! :(

Which one of the above shall I buy? Personally, I like the first one better but it's not so convenient as it can be easily stained. The second one is nice too, it is bright, happy and daring.

But first, I need to find the River Island store in Malaysia! Gah.