i am a bitch.

I am so weird.
I can't sympathize people I personally know easily.
But I could cry a river seeing/ reading about poor people in the newspapers, blogs or on the streets.

My friend's mother's cancer is probably coming back.
I can't sympathize her, I don't know why!
I'm such a bad friend.
What if the same things happen to me? Wouldn't it hurt if nobody sympathized me?

It's worse because deep down I think she is exaggerating things and asking for sympathy.

I hate these feelings.

To justify my feelings, I tell myself
- the cancer is only a probability. it has not been confirmed yet. Why stress and be all negative to something not certain yet?
- stop being negative. It's a doa if you have an optimistic thinking!
- they are many other people have it worse than you (eg: the people I read about), but do they complain? Why do you think the world revolves around you?
- those people can't even afford treatments, but you could.
- and it is not like the cancer is totally incurable!
- Mother has the same tumour, although not as advanced as her mother had, but I never want to be sympathized.

I am such a bitch, ain't I?

I should just sympathize her but I can't make myself to, why am I so abnormal!!!

I know different react differently to the same situation, I should keep an open mind and stop judging people.
And it's not like the way I handle mother's condition is any better. I refuse to believe Mother is sick, that's why I don't tell people about it?

Shoot me to death.

air

Once, in Istanbul, Turkey, father, mother, my sister and I were stucked in an elevator.
They began panicking but I started to laugh.
Father scolded me for laughing.

'Lighten up, we are not going to die in the lift!' I thought.
I was mad at him for being so serious. Chill la...Why can't he see the humour in that situation?

Sure enough, a few minutes after that, the elevator began to work again.



no head, no heart, no hurry, no hate, no fun, no muss, no city, no state,
no card, no kid, no call, no kiss, no book, no bread, no hit, no miss,
no tears, no laugh, no love, no sin, no hand to put my handshake in
no header, no footer, no girl, no boy, no good, no better, no touch, no toy

there is only air
where i used to care

PMS

Due to the side effects of the current meds, the doctor prescribed me two compeletely new, stronger meds.
"Do you find the meds help?" to which I answered yes.
"Too bad we can't continue it," she said.
However, I refused to take it and continue with the old meds. I can still handle the side effects.
They were working so well on me. Now that I have to stop them, I don't have other alternatives to treat my condition. I need to treat my condition.

Bila kawan pulang, saya tinggal berseorangan.
Naik kenderaan awam.
Secara tiba-tiba, perasaan sangat sedih datang. Sedih sangat sampai mata berkaca-kaca.
Air mata jatuh berderai-derai sebaik sahaja melangkah masuk dalam kenderaan awam.
Saya sedaya upaya mengawal diri. Malu nanti passengers lain nampak.
Samada mereka pura-pura tak nampak atau memang suasana sudah gelap.
Ramai orang baru pulang dari kerja.
Wajah expressionless tapi air mata tak berhenti mengalir.
Cuba menahan kedipan mata untuk mengeringkan moisture di mata tapi tak berjaya.
Beritahu diri untuk ignore the pain, think of happy times.
Sesi berinteraksi dengan teman lelaki pula gagal.
Dia sedang melobi orang penting.
Telefon bimbitnya kehabisan bateri.
Marah.
Bertambah sedih. Kira-kira sejam. Lama tu...
Saya tak paham kenapa saya menangis.
Saya tak paham kenapa saya sedih.
Depresi salah satu kesan sampingan ubat juga ke?
Tiba-tiba teringat semua dugaan hidup dan mungkinkah ini balasan Tuhan untuk dosa-dosa yang banyak?

Saya benci beremosi sebegitu.

Masuk ke rumah, tunaikan kewajipan dan matikan telefon.
Tidur.
Apabila terjaga, si teman lelaki beri SMS terakhir pada pukul 7 pagi.
"Baru sampai rumah. Penat gile. I call you nanti."
Melobi apa ni pukul 7 pagi baru sampai rumah!
Projek berapa juta sampai kena bincang tak tidur!

Concious cakap: Harap teman lelaki dapat projek tu. Dia kerja kuat.

Perasaan tenang kembali.
Jom makan.

Cepatlah menstruasi sekarang.

I can't cook.

I will be much happier if I knew my way around the kitchen.
No matter how much I try to follow the recipe, it won't turn out good as it is supposed to be!
I'm so sad, my boyfriend is a better cook than me!

Maybe I am not good in cooking, but I'm good in baking! Or so I thought...

I tried to bake kek jagung. The freshly baked cake tasted okay, I thought it was a success attempt! Before letting others to taste it, before distributing it among friends (yes, I actually wanted to celebrate my so-called successs dengan penuh perasan), I let it cool down first.

After it cooled down, it was very hard! Hard like...Not as a rock, but I don't know, it was hard and yucky!

Riwayatnya ditamatkan dalam tong sampah.

My boyfriend always encourages me to practice to polish my skills.

But why can't anybody understand I simply CANNOT cook!
I can cook for myself but that's because I don't mind to eat tasteless cookings and I couldn't bear the thought of letting others to have a taste on my meals. It is not this nor that, it is recently invented by moi, and it is too plain.

The irony thing is, my mother is a housewife and why oh why I didn't possess the her talent? Yes, to me, cooking is a talent. She could have opened a restaurant if she wanted to. She single-handedly did all the foods for our raya open house. My mother is a superwoman, I tell you! And our open house is not the small-small type, siap ada khemah bagai! Tapi itu zaman dulu-dulu la...Masa father was still working...Now, they don't bother to maintain good relationships with their 'friends' who only seek for Father when in troubles, and time finally gets to them. Mother doesn't enjoy cooking anymore, she wants to rest. She always says, "Dari zaman kamu semua sekolah, sampai sekarang anak kamu pulak sekolah, Mother juga yang kena masak! Mother sudah penat!" lalu dia pergi mogok tak mahu masak. "Pandai-pandailah cari makan sendiri," she said.

The boyfriend pula, is very natural in the kitchen. The thing is, he likes to cook in big portion. Siapa kena paksa habiskan? Moi. Siapa yang bakal gemuk? Moi juga. (Tapi memang sedap pun, I don't mind pun...Hehe)

I hope my future mother-in-low won't be bothered too much about me lacking cooking skills.

I could tolong-tolong potong sayur and basuh pinggan!
I potong sayur very halus, I swear. Seriously. Tak percaya, boleh tengok sendiri.








Remember my boyfriend's company is sponsoring a soccer team?
Last night, the team players received new jerseys.
Eh, bukan hari tu baru bagi jersey ke?
"Ni yang lain punya...Biar bagi diorang semangat sikit main bola."
Amboi-amboi, tak lama lagi kena bagi kasut bola pula ke...
"Haaa...Malam tadi, diorang dah request dah pun! Siap request nak pergi bercuti dekat mana tah kalau menang!"

Amboi-amboi mereka ni! Pijak kepala nampak!

"One of them saw I was writing an SMS to you," my boyfriend told me.
"Dia cakap: Guna English dengan girlfriend?" he continued his story.
"I dalam hati cakap: Eh, eh, dia ingat girlfriend kita ni kerja kilang ke!" he finished his story at that.

"You ni...Dekat luar merendah diri, tapi dalam hati, berlagak gile!" I teased him.

"Tak apa...Asalkan orang tak tahu...Hahaha..." he defended himself.

Dugaaaaaan...

Saya nak kahwin.
Tapi KENAPA............
Bila nak kahwin ni lah, banyak benda nak buat?

Contohnya, panjat gunung.
Contohnya, jadi sukarelawan di Darfur.
Contohnya, gain some working experience in California.

Now, I can't only think about myself, but I have to think about my other half too. Decisions must be made together because he is going to be a part of my life.

The ugly side of this is, sometimes I think the 'I-need-to-think-about-him-too' is tiresome. Tedious. It's making life more complicated.

I would've just said, "Yes, I am definitely going!" instead of, "I need to think about it first."

Sure, I've always tell people I hate living abroad. But I am not stupid to let this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity slip away. And the money is pretty good.

Hmm...Is this an alarm going off? Is this a sign? Should I re-think about marriage?

I'm pretty sure I want to get married. It is just that I WANT MANY THINGS AT THE SAME TIME and WHY CAN'T I HAVE ALL THE THINGS I WANT NOW?

Oprah said, "You can have all the things you want, just not at the same time."

As tempting as it sounds, I hope I will do just as well in Malaysia. Who says my CV won't stand out, who says I can't be successful if I didn't have the California work experience!

At least, I'll get paid in the same amount. I must think of how much money I could spend with the same amount of money in Malaysia!

I let go.

I was transported to my past when I told my friend about my first love. After so many years, I couldn't believe the thought of him brought so many emotions in me. I composed myself well, controlled my trembling voice and held back tears. I repeatedly told myself, "I am okay. I am happy with my new man," but it still hurt.

Whenever my friends are reminded about him, all they can say is, how mean he was to me. I say the otherwise. He is a good man, he is simply not for me. He is the man who taught me many things. We just don't end up with each other. He did many nasty things to me, but he built one part of me that I am today, and I thank him for that. I don't blame him. I wouldn't find my current boyfriend if I was still with him.

But the emotions surprised me. I thought I've let him go.

After my friend left, I rummaged through his stuff which I still keep after all these years. I looked at mainly, his pictures, our pictures. We were young.

And I smiled. From time to time, I laughed. I laughed because I thought, "How could I possibly live with this guy if I ever married him! I must be crazy."

It was such a relief. Now, I am sure that my current boyfriend is the right guy for me.

:)




The irony thing was, the guy I dated before this sent me an SMS just now. He said he was looking at my cards and he was so sad because I am no longer with him.

I am aware he is still hoping for me, that's why I distant myself from him.

I don't know why he is so much in love with me, I've always treated him so badly. Apparently, according to him, he was in an emotional wreck after I commit myself to my current boyfriend, he feels suicidal and has to attend psycological therapies.

I'd like to think he attends the therapy sessions because he has mental problems.

I believe he will let me go.

When you see a broken clock, it still reads the correct time at least twice a day.

Long time ago, I could cheat my way through and pretended I was okay when I met people I didn't like.
I can't do it anymore.
Now, whenever I am around them, I become quiet and I avoid looking them in their eyes.
I guess, I've learned that it is okay not to like everybody because not everyone like me.
And it is better not to talk than talk thrash about them afterwards, like a hyprocrite, bringing myself down to the same level as them.

relationships

I know someone who was married to a hotel owner.
It makes me wonder what's the chance of me meeting and marrying one. It sure sounds like fun!

Bila pikir-pikir balik, tak mahulah...Hotel mana yang tak jual arak...Nak ke suami terlibat dengan alcohol?

My friend told me to be engaged is a very difficult time. She and many people believe it.

So, they are a few guys approaching her even though they know she is engaged and she is quite tempted and at the same time, clueless on what to do.

Okay, I admit, I am no angel but I can preach like an ustazah when I feel like it, especially when it comes to giving advice to my friends. And this friend of mine has a good Islamic foundation, so, it is easier to put things into perspective.

Her: Macam mana kita nak tahu, siapa sebenarnya jodoh kita. Mana tahu, Tuhan nak tunjuk yang dialah jodoh sebenarnya I, bukannya tunang I...Sebab itulah dia datang sebelum I kahwin...
Me: Memanglah kita tak tahu, tapi at least you have to fight for your relationship, you have to resist all temptations...Kalau dah buat semua tu, tapi hati masih ragu-ragu, barulah boleh nak putus tunang. You jugak yang cakap, bertunang ni banyak cabaran, masa ni lah Tuhan banyak bagi ujian.
Her: Tapi, bukan I yang cari lelaki tu, dia yang cari I!
Me: Kalau dia lelaki yang baik, dia takkan ganggu pertunangan you. Islam kan dah cakap...
Her: Betul...Tapi kalau nak bandingkan dia dengan tunang I sekarang, dia jauh lebih baik, dari segi career...Even ilmu agama dia pun lagi tinggi.
Me: Tak semestinya orang yang banyak tahu ilmu agama tu, orang yang baik...Contohnya macam *Hafiz. *Iza tu pun, nampak je alim, tapi banyak menyakitkan hati orang lain...
Her: Kalau betul-betul dia baik macam mana?
Me: Tanyalah dia, kalau bersungguh-sungguh nak dekat you, dia sanggup tak nak nikah terus dengan you?
Her: I rasa, dia okay aje. Dia mampu. Kenapa?
Me: Kadang-kadang, lelaki ni suka saje-saje...Memanglah dia mampu, tapi dia sanggup tak? Then, you compare with your fiance. If you ask him to marry you next week, will he do it? Mesti dia sanggup kan...You kata you nak tahu siapa jodoh you...Bila dah kahwin, lelaki tuh la jodoh you...

The tastebud.

You taste:
- sweet things with the tip of your tounge
- salty foods are tasted mainly at the front of the tounge
- sour taste buds sit at the edges
- bitter tastes are at the back of the tounge.


Semen doesn't just contain sperm, but fluids secreted by several glands during ejaculation.
During sexual arousal, and close to the point of climax, semen travels from the epididymis through a tube called the vas deferens. Here, it picks up a fluid rich in fructose - a sugary substance that acts a bit like rocket fuel.
Other fluids kick in along the way to the urethra (the tube that runs the length of the penis). This comes from the prostate gland, the Cowper's glands and the seminal vesicles. Some secretions are designed to neutralise acids (such as urine traces in the urethra), others provide vital enzymes).
The finished product contains approximately just 10% sperm. The rest consists of enzymes, vitamin C, calcium, protein, sodium, zinc, citric acid and fructose sugar.





A joke I read somewhere:



Woman: Professor, if the semen contains sugar, why doesn't it taste sweet?

The class broke into laughters.
The professor thought about it for a while.

Professor: Well, that's because you don't taste it with the tip of your tounge, but at the back of your throat!



Hahaha!

Dolls and beers.

Semalam baca blog kawan.

She collects dolls.

Suami dia cakap, berhentilah simpan anak patung dalam rumah, nanti malaikat tak masuk.

Dia jawab, kalau ada arak dalam rumah pun, malaikat tak masuk.

Terus suami dia diam.

I find it funny. Hahaha.