Tonight, I don't feel accomplished.

Because I see a friend moving to the UK, another friend going back to the US, a friend in Korea furthering her studies, another friend going for Hajj...

While me...I feel inadequate.

I write all of this, and I almost forget that they don't have a perfect life neither.

2022 resolution.

This year, I am aiming high.

Spiritually

- to never miss the 5 daily prayer

- pray early

- sedeqah Al Fatihah after every prayer

- 3 Qul after every prayer

- ayat Qursi after every prayer

- selawat 10x after every prayer

- Laa haulawalaa quwata illa billahil aliyyil a'zim 10x after every prayer

- Laa ilahaillallah muhammadurrasullullah 10x after evert prayer

- subhanallah alhamdulillah lailahaillallah allahuakbar after every prayer

- memorize the Quran

- sedeqah

- puasa sunat Monday and Thursday

- learn the tafsir Quran

Health and beauty

- floss every day

- wear sunscreen even when at home

- wash my face every night

- use retinol 2x per week

- exfoliate once per week

- exercise every day

- hula hoop for 15 minutes every day

- skipping 1000x, everyday

- do planks everyday

- eat more fruits

- to sleep early

- to wake up early

- maintain weight less than 54.5kg

- to learn horseback riding

Others

- learn Mandarin

- learn Arabic

- to pass my exam

- finish the house

- read the Quran everyday with the kids

- teach the kids to do 5 daily prayers

- get side income from social media

- to document life more actively ie: to take more videos

- to buy less

- to stop buying expensive things that are not worth it

I kan pernah mention, I ni selalu je ada crush crush tau. Nak tahu tak siapa crush terbaru I sekarang? Budak-budak badminton players ni haaaa...Apesal cute sangat! Selalu lalu lalang dekat FYP I, sampai I pun dah pun macam blushing blushing tau stalk diorang ni...

Hahaha...

Terus rasa I am back in my twenties. Sekarang favourite I- si Yassin, sebab dia single, tinggi, rambut cacak cacak...Memang taste I lah! Si Zaiyi tu ramai peminat juga, memang dia cute, tapi for me, suka tengok je lah, not really my taste.

Din Masjid pun cute je...Manis...Tapi kenapa ramai orang tak nampak kehenseman dia! Li Zi Jia lagi famous, tapi bukan taste I langsung, okay...I tak nampak lagi dekat mana sweetnya muka Zi Jia.

Tapi kalau perangai, I suka si Zubear tu. Rasa macam dia down to earth, fun and sweet je.

Tiba-tiba teringat dulu nak kahwin dengan Cina. Hahaha...Dapat suami tak ada Chinese look. Ada sorang staff I ni consistently cakap my husband is good looking. I agree, he is looking good for his age. Sampai I rasa pressured to keep up, because I am younger than him, hence, kenalah maintain...

Tadi, nampak ada this teenager flexing his 50-year old father on Tik Tok. Konon macam, dah setengah abad, tapi masih smart, tengok komen-komen pun menyokong. I tengok, biasa je, sebab I compare dengan husband I. Terus I macam...Whattt...Husband I pun will be 50 in a few years, tapi perlu flex ke...Is 50 really that old! Takut I, okay...We still feel young!

Anyway, jangan macam-macam sudah...Jangan Hanafi! Haha...

Jom lah, korang...Jom kita crush sama-sama dekat our badminton players yang comel-comel tu...Jatuh hati tauuuu...

Bought another bag 😭

Justifications:

- it's not a designer bag, but really well made, so, I am actually buying quality products, not the name

- it's made in Italy, instead of France (boycotting the French, because they are not hijab friendly)

- Black Friday discount

- considerably cheaper than other designer bags

- I've promised myself not to fall into designer traps anymore. No more designer, it's not worth it, prices are ridiculous, I cannot afford it, I hope this keinsafan continues forever

- I really like the design and have been thinking about since last March. So, this purchase is not an impulse buy

I really need to start selling my old stuff lah. Too many brown bags.

Now, jeans...I really want those Abercrombie Curve jeans...When are they gonna restock my size!

And if you need to feel better...I hope this video would cheer you up. I just find it so funny! Hahaha...!!!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by himpunan merapu (@himpunan.merapu)

On days when you feel like your face or your skin is not good enough- listen to this.

It helped me feel better about myself, hope it would help you too.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Makeupwaco (@makeupwaco)

Feel really old tonight.

Somehow, ended up listening to Sheila On 7 top 30. Was never a fan, but knew some songs from the band. Remember the time when Indonesian songs were such hits? Oh, my God, I was so young...

Now, writing this while listening to 50 Top Lagu Tahun 2000an (Indonesia). It's funny. The songs don't bring me back memories. I mean, some memories, yes, but feelings instead. I always believe that. You don't remember what exactly happened, but you would remember how you felt that moment or you'd remember how a person made you feel.

I got goosebumps while listening to Peterpan's Mungkin Nanti. Couldn't really put a finger on why I felt that. I just know I really like this song. So weird.

Anyway, since we are walking down the memory lane...Me, as a teenager/ student, was cringey. Hahaha...! But, I still miss some of my old self. I miss my confidence, my carefree attitude, my positivity...

I was so sure of myself, that I convinced myself I could pass my exam even when I didn't know half of the answer. And I did! So positive! Hahaha...And, I never cared how I looked like because I thought that was all superficial.

But, look at me now! I worry about my weight and my skin and my teeth...Probably because I looked better then, I don't know...Tapi, dah tua baru nak risau, it's like, damn girl, you are 20 years too late!

Tak apalah...Let me enjoy the songs before I fall asleep tonight...

Malam ni adalah malam terasa hati. Sensitif.

I kan kerja, sekarang dipertanggungjawabkan for this task. Basically, I can help you and your family achieve certain things lah. And, remember how a lot of people don't like me and are talking behind my back? I think it is not as bad as before, plus, I no longer mind about it, tapi, malam ni tetap I nak terasa hati.

Because, even though these people refuse to see me for favours, and say bad things about me, they still need my help. Okay, tak apalah, I tolong. After they got what they want, they don't want to help me clean up. Balik macam tu je...

Contohnya, tadi kan, kerja tak habis lagi, tapi sibuk nak minta excuse, because apparently, it's their lunch time. Of course lah I terasa kan, tadi, sibuk sangat nak bagi nama family masing-masing. Lepas tu, bila dah dapat apa yang dihajati, dia tinggal je kita untuk before we officially call it a day. I feel so used.

Ada sorang ni pulak, dah lah tak nak bertegur sapa dengan I, tiba-tiba dia bagi nama saudara dia, through another staff. Like, okay, you malu dengan I ke, memang tak nak tegur I sampai mati ke...Kalau tak suka I, tak payahlah nak selit-selit kan...Tapi, biasalah, muka tak malu kan...

Ada sorang ni pulak, I text dia, you know, asking about stuff and all, but no reply. Fine. Tiba-tiba, malam ni, bukannya menjawab soalan I tadi, malah minta tolong I untuk benda-benda yang tak berkaitan dengan soalan tadi.

Like, okay, I thought you were busy just now, and didn't have the time to reply me.

But, now, he is giving me a list of names. Obviously, you are not busy to reply to others' messages, except for mine, right? I mean, if I were him, basic courtesy lah, I would say, "Sorry, tadi I busy...Anyway, to reply your questions, bla bla bla...By the way, could you help me pass the names for bla bla bla."

The way he did it was, completely ignoring my previous long messages, and tiba-tiba, dia nak minta tolong pulak.

I memang terasa kot...Like, what am I to you? You only contact me when I'm convenient to you?

Why are you so selfish!

Tapi, inilah perangai manusia. Kita hanya mampu bersabar. I nak mengutuk diorang balik pun, takde siapa nak jadi my ngumpat buddy. So, I kutuk diorang balik dalam ni je lah...

I still remember the rumours- they said I ni keras kepala, degil, tak dengar cakap. Siapa yang keras kepala sekarang sebenarnya? When I tell people, to stop bothering me, but, siapa yang datang mengendeng ngendeng dekat I time dia memerlukan? Nampak sangat sweet sweet bila depan-depan je.

Esok, I nak puasa, dan semoga Allah bagi pahala banyak-banyak dekat I. Entahlah...Biarlah orang tak suka I. Memang I cannot expect everybody to like me pun. Semoga dosa-dosa kita terampun dan sentiasa diberi hidayah.

Okay, story time...

So, I was aiming to buy a Lady Dior. It is not really my style, but it is Lady Dior, okay, you just have to have one. It is expensive and the more recent price hike has made it crazy expensive- I could not afford it! I sedar diri...

Why Lady Dior? Because I think it is so hard to duplicate, so that itself is kinda special already...

Anyway, since I said I want to boycott French luxury labels, especially Chanel (for many reasons), I thought buying pre-loved would justify my cravings. Hehe, is this considered cheatingggg...

I found a vintage Lady Dior on ebay. It's vintage because it was purchased in 2000, and it's never been used, so the condition is pristine, or can you call it brand new? It's not leather, it's satin and the handles are acrylic. However, the charms have Swarovski cystals on them (it's just cystals, guys, why is everything so overpriced!).

It was listed for 800 Euros. I think that's a good price considering the never used condition...And after a quick online 'research', similar models were sold around that price too.

So, I bid for it, and I won! I was all excited!

All of a sudden- Reserve not met. Like, whaaatttt!

Then, it got relisted- 1300 Euros plus 100 Euros shipping. For a mini satin Lady Dior with acrylic handles. (-___-) No, I refuse to spend that much money on a bag that is 20 years old!

And that's my story of the day...I guess, it's just not meant to be...

I rasa tertipu. Why you play my heart like disss!

Feeling crappy.

I don't know lah what's wrong with me...Hormones? Lack of nutritions? Mental health? Overworked?

I'm sad and angry and depressed and exhausted and bored and frustrated and overwhelmed...While fully aware that there are people all over the world who are in worse situations...

Anyway, Ustadz says...Don't worry too much, this is temporary. Tak lama pun...Focus on akhirat.

Bought two bags already. Might buy a third one. And that shall be enough to cover last year and this year. Please...I need to get out.