Current mood: Obsessed with Niall Horan.

Was feeling melancholic after my last post, so decided to listen to the catchy songs I used to sing. Didn't realized I knew most of One Direction songs! (I knew the songs, but didn't know the singer)

Felt like a teenager and decided to have a crush on Niall, because he's just my type. He just makes me smile, for someone way younger than me. Haha.

Explored his solo songs and discovered I enjoy his latest songs too! Been singing them without knowing the artist. It is just meant to be, he and I...

So, yeah, I'm so late to be a fan, but whatever, I love him, mmuaah!

4th day of 2020 and suddenly I'm feeling all depressed.

Depression is bad because it makes you forget about all the good things had happened and you should be grateful of.

The thing about me is- I think I can be better than I am. Like, I was once so good  at my job, it's just sad to see me ending up like this. I couldn't help but feel all those pity eyes looking at me- how could she end up like this. I had a bright future ahead of me. But other people have passed me, I'm so left behind now...

And nothing I can do about it. Because I am traumatised and I'm that person who you should not idolised, because I don't have the grit in me. I am not successful enough.

Sigh.

Anyway, on the other hand, because of all this, I have a lot more time to spend with the kids. I am always, always thankful of that. (But all other successful people also get to spend time with their kids, so I am not that special, you see. They can do it all, but not me).

Oh, well, this is my life. No complaints. It's okay. It's not that bad.

And for 2020,
I pray and wish
- to become a better Muslim
- to read more books (I've stopped reading leisurely a long, long time ago because I thought I needed to put my priorities straight. What a big mistake)
- to read Quran regularly, if possible, every day
- to understand the content of Quran. I never read the Quran translation, what a shame!
- to learn how to cook properly
- to make sure the house is complete

So, okay. That was short.

Writing is always good. It shifts your focus. Now, I am less depressed.

It's true. Time heals most things.

I knew this, I know this, and I will always know this.

But why is it so hard in the beginning?

It still hurts, but it hurts less now.

Now, tell me, is time the healer, or is it acceptance?

Look at my children, I wish them all the patience in the world, if they ever encounter hardships. I wish them all the strength in the world, to keep going even though they fail again and again.

Well, well...

I found all the stuff I've lost. Such a miracle, right?

Found my sunnies in my husband's car- never trust a guy when they say they've searched. Sure, you search, but you don't see!

And, because we are in a long distance relationship, I don't get to be in his car often. Even during Raya Haji, we mostly travelled in his other car. But, I finally found my sunnies in his car 2 days ago, when we were on our way to Legoland. I even planned to go to Singapore to buy a new pair! Haha!

(We didn't go to Singapore because kids insisted to stay at Legoland for 3 freaking days!)

Did you know what I did to locate my sunglasses? I even texted a restaurant owner, because I thought I left them at a restaurant. Oh, God, the effort!



I also didn't lose my house keys. And I found my name stamp. One of my dear staff kept it in her drawer for me, but we didn't get to see each other often. Then, I finally got it, but lost it again after 2 days! Ugh!

I knew it was somewhere in my workplace. And finally, 2 weeks ago, I found it back!

And why, am I being such a miserable lady over a name stamp? Because if I really lost my name stamp, I have to make an official police report in case someone else misuse it. What a hassle, right...Luckily it is now safe and sound in my hands.




And the other real update is...The one that prompted me to actually write tonight is...
This sad, jealous, unsure feeling, whether I am making the right decision, of not sending my eldest to a private school.

Half of the people around me are sending their kids to private schools, and they already began their terms. I feel a little bit left behind, actually. Sigh.

I know I shouldn't compare. I mean, they are kids. All kids can learn. But seeing the excited parents about the Business class they will be taking, the Montessori approach, some even already in Year 2 although they are only 6 years old...

I mean, it is a really competitive world out there. But it makes me question, is this really the best for my kid? Is the public school system really failing?

I remember, when I was a kid, I always wanted to finish first, and I wanted to finish fast (no skip year for my batch). And I got so jealous if I saw someone younger, studying in the same class. Most obvious when I was doing A-Levels, these kids from private schools, International students, barely 16, sitting for the same exam as me...

I was like, what the hell, sudahlah muda, bijak, cantik, kaya pulak tu! Life is unfairrrr!!!

I finally got over the feeling when I was in university. Because, they were some really older students from Canada and the States in my class, and they made me feel better about myself. Haha!

Anyway, this is not about me...Because you know, we may be could afford my kids education now, but what about in the future? Maybe it's better if I save the money for the university instead.

Even now, we are already paying
RM350 for kindergarten
RM300 for swimming class
RM80 for Taekwandi
RM400 for mengaji class

And this is only for 1 kid, per month. They are expensive. And I plan for Music class, Art class and Cooking class!

Macam mana nak ada ramai anak macam ni...





I turned out pretty fine, I guess. Went to a normal public school. Never had special classes, I don't have any special skills...
Art? Belajar sendiri.
Swimming? Belajar sendiri. (Curi-curi dengar what the teacher was telling)
Masak? Belajar masa universiti.
Mengaji? Belajar dengan jiran sebelah rumah.
Don't know music, don't know any forms of Martial Arts, sucks at Sports...

But I'm quite alright...

But, no! My kids must be better than their parents!

A reminder to myself

"Almighty. I ask you to strengthen me so I can face whatever challenges You put in my path & not be overwhelmed by them. I know You see my tears and hear my prayers. I also know that You’re testing me. Grant me the ability to endure & face this with utmost patience. Aameen."

P/s: I already remember the top that I wore, yeay!

I am going crazy tonight because I can't remember which top I was wearing just 2 days ago.

I can remember which pants, shoes, tudung and handbag I wore, but not my top. What is wrong with me!

Not even the colour, or material, or the style of it.

=(

Although I regard myself as having a high threshold for pain...

But you know what? Going through labour naturally, is better than having migraine. I really cannot stand the slightest throbbing headache.

Sakit gila nak mampus.

At least kalau bersalin, I know it would be over once the baby is out, but migraine...It feels like forever...

Just now I took 2 tablets of Panadols 9am. Then, I guling-guling menangis, I so badly wanted to take another 2 tablets, but I knew I should take the next one at 1pm.
But, when I opened my eyes, it was only 10am, like seriously! How long moreeeee...!!!

Kids got frightened and left me by myself. They told my mother- Mommy sakit kepala, menangis, macam kena tumbuk.
Which is exactly how it feels! Bergegar otak...

I really hate migraine attacks. I know other people have it worse, but they would talk to you like normal, still smiling...Well, not me. It happened at work a couple of times before, and I completely shut down. I just walked away, laid down, cried and had a nap. I cannot even see or read!

Giving birth is better. Because the pain comes and goes and you get to relax for a bit. I secretly took Panadols before I gave labour, twice, and I think it helped a tiny bit to reduce the pain.
And you are more prepared before giving birth. Because the pain slowly builds up.

Unlike migraine, terus stabbing you in the head without warning. Which makes me feel like I'd rather crack my skull open, and just remove whatever it is that causing the pain.

My kryptonite.

I've been losing a lot of stuff lately. I really need to imorove on my memory. I usually don't bother so much if I lose stuff, you know, they are always replacable...But what drives me nuts is the fact that I was sure they were with me, so why can't I remember!

I misplaced my sunglasses, for now, I'm not gonna say I lost them...Hmm, do you know how freaking difficult it is for me to find a good pair of sunnies!

I've always asked for a pair of good sunnies for my birthday, but nobody ever got me, because they know how funny I would look if they got the wrong one.

Last good pair of sunnies I had were- the cheap M&S wayfarer, which was lost in the plane. And the cheap H&M aviator which was so overused...

Then, after I had a proper job and years of hunting, my husband finally bought a really good pair, and now they are gone. So sad. I hope I will let them go  Y tomorrow. No point stressing myself over this.

And you know what? I also recently lost my house keys and my name stamp. And last week I forgot my car keys! The office was already closed, so I had to go home by Uber, and brought another car the next day. I had 2 cars at my workplace for a couple of days or so, because

- too scared to take Uber at night just to bring that car home

- my son has taekeando lessons on certain nights

- too lazy to take Uber to work early in the morning. Besides, I need to send kids to school first

- and, my husband was not around

Is this a sign of old age?

And why am I only writing about it now?

Because, actually, I wanted to write about a very specific YSL small wallet that I've been looking for, but I can't find. Why! Why can't I find that wallet! Ugh, so annoying. Should've bought it when I was overseas! Why didn't I get it!

I look at fellow Malaysians, sometimes, I think we are very rich. I see a lot of them carry very, very expensive handbags and buy expensive toys for their children. I often say to my husband, "Kaya betul orang Malaysia ni."

Then, I look at other fellow Malaysians. Young, healthy, clean and polite. Not rich, using basic handphones, not even smartphones.

They are not kampung boys. They've been living the city with their grandparents and parents. They are what we call- Miskin bandar.

I mean...It's 2019. Every body is using Whatsapp. Who still uses SMS!

It reminded me of all the previous maids I had. They all wanted smartphones, we bought it for them (because it will be easier for them to call their children), they never paid us back (we would halalkan if they really stuck around to complete their contract), and we bought top ups for them!

Those ungrateful bitches.

I'm not mad if they earn the money through hard work. Kerja senang lenang. Lepas tu mencuri. Orang negara sendiri hidup lagi susah.

Geram pulak fikir. So unfair.

Oh, my God...Lamanya tak tulis dekat sini...For your info, I've had 3 drafts, and maybe a few more drafts in head, but never got the chance to sit down and write.

I've been busy. I've been avoiding staying up late. My son already knew how to use the laptop. Yes, some of my excuses...

And today, I'm on leave for Raya! My children are away for half day.

My son met his cousin for the first time yesterday, and her name is Amani.
Cheeky boy said- What? Nama dia Money? Kenapa nama dia 'Duit'!

Hahaha...That made me laugh. Who would have thought...

Anyway, how is life? Mine has been up and down, as usual. I read something online, from now on, I think I want to pray differently. Like, "Oh, Allah, please grant me strength and sabar to face the challenges," instead of, "Oh, Allah, please remove the challenges in my life."
I want to be more thankful and complaint less.

You see, I know I am so blessed in so many ways, but I still keep wanting more, typical of me, the imperfect human. At the same time, I've been feeling afraid that God might not love me as much because if compared to other peoole, my life obstacles are not as dramatic as theirs.

Well, but I believe the ones I have are enough for me. I may not be able to handle bigger problems. Ya Allah, I am so weak...

And I'm not a very good servant either. Ramadhan this year, and all the years before, tak banyak pun terawih. I just hope there will be progress in my Ibadah, no matter how slow I am. Told ya, I'm so weak...

Good thing is, I notice I am a lot calmer now. I compare myself less to others. I care less about what people might think of me. I judge less too...
I went for a facial by myself for the first time ever. And I did teeth whitening for the first time ever too.

I feel good about myself more often than I feel miserable, and this is how a woman in her mid thirties should feel.