You've heard it, and I hereby to confirm it: You won't get to know a man until you marry him!

I was culture shocked when I actually tried to live in my husband's hometown. Although I frequented the town before we got married, but it felt different and I was still surprised.

During his humble reception, if I were an outsider, I would have laughed and sworn on my life not to ever do his dorky colour combinations. Erk.

He had one yellow canopy, red table cloth, we wore purple and our room was blue. His parents did not even wear proper baju Melayu and baju kurung. I can bleed from my eyes, seriously.

The first few minutes, I kept recalling on how I ended up with this man. In the meantime, I kept glancing to my family members, hoping that they expected this. Obviously, I did not.

--------

Rewind.

On the journey to his hometown, I finally told Mother, as a warning, "Rumah dia tu kampung tau."

Mother probably knew what was coming, "Asalkan tak payah naik bot...Saudara Ma hari tu, nak pergi rumah menantu dia kena naik bot. Terkejut semua orang."

That was a relief.

--------

After the ceremony, I was invited to his relatives' homes.

For the first time ever in my life, I sat on the floor, eating dinner kampung style!

To me, the act of sitting on the floor to eat is only during kenduri arwah and breaking fast in the mosques.

Of course it was awkward. My kain had slit and I can't move my legs as I like when they fell asleep. So I lied, "Kain ni ketat sangat."

Later on, I was brought to his biological mother's which entire house is smaller than my room.

So, is this what my husband meant when he told me the reason he was being secretive about his family? Ashamed? Inferiored?

--------

I thought about Father and related to him.

Compared to Mother, Father's family was not very well-off too. Mother married him anyway. I don't know the details, but I know they had their difficulties earlier on.

Why, then, was he so against my husband and I when things are so similiar between us?

Father's principle was simple. Each generation should improve, we should be better than our parents. He proved to be a great role model, I salute him for that.

He married a woman who had a better life than his, so perhaps, that's why I should marry a man who could provide more for me.

--------

My short life in my husband's hometown was not very exciting. I was treated like a princess most of the time.

Being bored is not good because you start to have ridiculous thoughts like, "Even my grandparents don't live like this," or "I am so scared to raise my children in this environment because I don't want them to become like them."

Seeing I had time to be filled in, my husband remembered a book I always wanted to read, written by Tun Dr. Mahathir, 'A Doctor In The House'. He bought it when it first came out and the book has inspired him.

I only read until page 66, I think, but boy, it does make an impact!

You know, even though we live in kampung houses, we can indeed be successful as long as we have the right mentality and the emphasis on education. It really doesn't matter.

Thank you for throwing away my bad thoughts.

--------

Here's the rationale.

You just have to be redha with your jodoh.

You just have to have strong faith that he is the best for you, the most suitable for you.

My husband is best and most suitable for me because he keeps me grounded. He opens my eyes to a world that I'd never imagine could have been mine.

Just remember, if you want a good partner, you yourself must be good to match him/ her.

Always, always feel blessed with what you have.

Written on 24 June 2011.

They say, the first couple fight, is the worst among all.

Right this moment, I am on a strike with my husband.
Benci betul.

So, as to remind how much a wonderful man he is, I reminiscence his wise words.

1)
My neighbour is currently renovating his house. His house is brand new and very beautiful. At first, I thought he only wanted to tweak a bit here and there for the house. I was wrong. Tengok-tengok, it is a major revamp, which is still undergoing.

Me: Abang, rumah dia dah cantik dah. Tapi apa lagi dia nak renovate?

Husband: Itulah pasal...Dia tak puas hati lagi lah kot...You tau tak apa orang cakap kalau kita selalu tak puas hati?

Me: Apa dia?

Husband: Duit yang kita guna tu tak berkat...

He elaborated that a berkat rezeki should always makes us feel contented.

"Kalau duit tu tak berkat, kalau orang tu kaya pun, orang tu jadi suka membazir sebab selalu tak puas hati. Last-last, sebab dah banyak membazir, orang tu punya duit sama juga," he said.

He furthermore gave an example, "You tengok pelacur. Memang banyak duit. Satu malam dapat berapa? Tapi diorang tak kaya pun..."

So, think twice before you say, "I am not satisfied!"

2)
"Yang, kita kahwin juga akhirnya. Kita ni banyak betul dugaan. Kita kena kahwin betul-betul yang, sampai mati I sayang. Sebab susah sangat nak dapat awak."

:)

3)
Dah, jangan nak perasan suami kau seorang bagus sayang isteri. Memanglah suami sayang isteri! (Padahal sekarang tengah cold war)

Have you read July issue of the Reader's Digest?

On page 8, there's a letter from a reader telling her story being left by her husband only after two years of marriage.

God forbid that ever happens to me.

I can imagine the woman's joy when she got married. After two years, they are all just sad memories.

If I were in her shoes, I don't know, I'd probably kill my husband. I'd hate him forever. I'd stop blogging. I'd run away and live in another country. I don't know.

4)
On my wedding day, a close friend gave a nice gift together with a card. In it, written something "Bla, bla, bla. You're and inspiration to me that despite all the hardship, TRUE LOVE will prevail!"

Alamak, pressure lah pulak!

5)
My husband left me for work. I was trying to be tough but he saw the sadness.

I knew he felt guilty for not being able to spend more time with me.

He hugged me and said, "Abang pergi bukan tinggalkan you. Abang pergi sebab nak kerja, nak cari rezeki, nak jaga awak baik-baik. Nanti kita dah kaya, Abang bagi semua yang you nak, okay?"

Ish. Sebak lah time tu.

I know he's so hardworking and trying his best to make me happy. But I keep on demanding for more.

Okay, better apologize to him now.

My friend who is currently abroad, gave me a 'holla' just now, to say sorry for missing the wedding.

The usual question would be, "How's life after marriage?"

Honestly and truthfully, I said, "I don't feel much different."

Seriously. I don't feel different. I am not happier or sadder than before. I am pretty much the same person doing the same routine. You know, the usual.

Is there something wrong with me? Is this unnatural and abnormal for a newly-wed?

The only difference, which I also told to Brad P, is, "Sekarang dia makan, dia minta I ambil. Dulu sebelum kahwin, pandai ambil sendiri. Sekarang, tiba-tiba tak pandai dah..." They responded by laughing and giving the exact same reply, "Dia saja nak manja-manja tu."

"Ectopy, you ni kan, sempoi gila!" my friend said.

I was very laid back about my wedding, that my colleague told me two weeks before the event, "Ectopy, you are the coolest bride I have ever seen."
This is after she asked me whether I was nervous or excited about the wedding. I said, "Nope. I am okay. Not nervous and not very excited. I am just worried if there will be people attending my wedding."

Orang lain tak macam ni ke weih!

I am so sempoi, I have yet to pester my photographers for pictures. Tak excited pun nak tengok gambar.
Sebenarnya, more to fear of muka tak lawa masa wedding tu. Tu pasal tak excited.

(Prays to God for pretty photos)

I received two surprises post wedding.

During the short merenjis ceremony, there was this stranger woman who blessed us. My husband introduced her as "Kakak I".

After she was out of audible range, right there and then jugak, atas pelamin, while maintaining my smile, I asked him, "Sejak bila you ada kakak ni!"

Silence.

I kan memang jenis otak geliga, I can't settle until I get what I want, "Siapa tu? Cepat bagitahu!"
"Tunggu lepas ni lah I cerita. Orang tengah merenjis ni. Senyum!"

That night, I asked him again. He told me she was his kakak angkat. Kakak angkat?!

Mesti tipu lagi. I dah cakap dah I am not stupid.

Nak jadi isteri mithali punya pasal, I waited until the next day.

This time, we were in the car on the way to a friend's party.

I was membebel about something else which led to this whole kakak angkat thing.

Husband: Itu pun you nak jealous ke? Dia kakak I, dia dah kahwin dah pun, dah ada anak.

Me: You ingat I jealous ke dengan perempuan tua tu? Please lah. I bukan bodoh lah nak jealous-jealous dengan orang tak lawa. Kalau you nak scandal dengan dia pun, tak kuasa I nak jealous.

Husband: Habis tu, apa masalah you?

Me: Masalah I is you rahsiakan benda ni dari I! Kenapa? Kalau tak salah, tak payah berahsia, kan? I tak jealous, tapi I dah ada syak wasangka. I tak nak ada rasa syak wasangka pada suami I sendiri!

Husband: You nak tau perkara sebenar?

Me: You dah kahwin ke sebelum ni?

Husband: Dia memang kakak I!

Me: Macam mana? Bapa you ada dua isteri? I dah agak dah family you ni!

Husband: Bukan. I ni anak angkat. Mak betul I serahkan I pada Ma. Ma tak ada anak, jadi masa Mak betul I mengandungkan I, dia janji akan bagi I pada Ma. Ma yang bela I sejak dari kecik, tapi I bukan anak dia. Kakak I tu, memang kakak kandung I.

Me: Kenapa you tak beritahu I sebelum ni?

Husband: I nak bagitahu lepas kahwin.

Me: Kenapa!

Husband: Sebab I malu!

Me: Apasal nak malu pula? Auntie I pun dibela saudara juga!

Husband: Family you memang asal orang kaya. I ni orang susah. Mak kandung I tinggal kampung. Kerja dia sembahyang je. Kakak I tu kerja dia bela ayam. Kalau I ni tak diserahkan pada Ma dulu, I takkan ada peluang sambung belajar. I tak tahu apa jadi dengan I sekarang.

Me: Habis, kenapa you tak jemput parents betul you datang?

Husband: Ayah kandung I dah meninggal sebelum I kenal you lagi. Mak kandung I tu dah tua, tak boleh jalan jauh. Nanti I kenalkan you dengan diorang.

Drama!

So, after this, I have to go to his hometown and start to get to know his actual family members.

And I thought I married a straightforward no hassle guy.

"Lepas ni, no more secrets. I am educated, I am a straight-As student, I am not stupid. I tak nak jadi isteri-isteri yang tak tahu apa-apa pasal suami dia. I nak being able to explain what my husband does. You kena beritahu semua pada I sebab I sekarang isteri you!"

"Okay," my husband took a deep breath. "Sebenarnya, kitorang rugi RM500k hari tu. Kerja-kerja I selama ni, separuh kena bagi dekat kawan I sebab I kena tolong dia juga, sebab tu sekarang ni I tak ada duit."

Pengsan.










My husband, and some of my friends, always think my family is rich.

Okay, I have been dying to explain this to people (but I can't, because it's weird lah nak explain pasal family wealth tiba-tiba je) so I'll just say it here.

I am not rich. My parents were not rich. We started our life very modest. We climbed our way up because Father was a stingy man. Eh, no, the better words to use to describe him are he was always careful with money.

Father passed away after he came back from Hajj. Coincidentally, he already prepared his will before taking off. His properties, were divided equally among us, the children. He even left a fortune (I never knew he had) in the form of saham, for his grandchildren and future grandchildren- in case they don't get the privilege to further their studies with scholarships.

Father was very particular with his money, that it may only be used for beneficial purposes. He always dreamt big for us, so, most of the money spent was mostly to get the best education.

(Sidetrack a bit: I pun sebenarnya takut dapat anak kurang bijak.)

Even if my parents were rich, we, the children, rarely get to taste the luxury of it.

We were not aware of it and we were not raised as rich children.

Take me, for example.

As I was growing up, my pocket money is cukup-cukup je. Starting off with 30 cents in primary school, slowly becoming RM2 in secondary school.

My teenage escapades to the shopping malls, depended on the mercy of Mother to give me extra money to spend. Most of the time, I spent my duit raya/ scholarship money.

All of my siblings (except one) had full scholarships.

I used to wear second-hand clothes all the time. Mother shopped in Tesco for my raya clothes. Mother hand-sew my school uniforms until I was 11, then her eye-sight deteriorated.
One time, I kept recycling my clothes, my friend asked me to stop because my pants were too tight for me.

Whenever I am out with my friends, I limited myself for RM40 for shoes and tops. This habit stayed on until two years ago, I required supports from Brad P and my husband, that I could actually spend more without feeling guilty.

See? I had a tough childhood even though deep down, I knew my parents could afford way more than that. But somehow, none of my siblings have ever asked for more. We were actually comfortable with what we had.

My sister is so rich (relatively, from the multiple scholarships she earned) but she still lives in her rented house without a proper bed (only a mattress), no cupboard, and she still reads using low lights (because we should not waste the electricity). Her salary is almost equal to mine, and she only started to work for less than a year ago. But with her qualification and academic excellence, I tak jealous sangat pun. Memang patutlah. In fact, I am proud of her.

Even though I may not look the part as if I come from a wealthy family, people tend to presume my family financial status whenever they come over to my house.

Before my wedding, I jokingly asked my colleagues to buy me nice gifts. One of them said, "Eh, what do you want? No need lah. You already have everything!"

Recently, a colleague who did not attend the wedding reception, looked through my picture album and said, "Is this your house? Is this your house?"

Eh, tak percaya pulak?

How do one respond to that kind of question! I pretended like I didn't hear her question to brush it off. -_-

My friends from school pulak, lain cerita. They are the children who memang come from wealthy families. Mega super rich families, the kind who get scoldings if they ever try to ride a cab or the LRTs without supervision.

Them: Ectopy, I really like your dress! You design ke? You tempah dekat mana? Mahal tak?
Me: Ni baju sewa je lah...
Them: Really? Then, how come it fits you so well!
Me: They took my measurements and alter it for me.
Them: Oh. They can do that?

That night, before going to bed, my husband snickered for the fact that my friends didn't even know about the existance of wedding dresses for rent.

"Abang ni, tak baiklah. Diorang baik tau..." I defended my friends.

But my friends are really nice, humble people. Sometimes, they are just oblivious without realizing it. And they love me anyway.










I always dreamt of a special wedding. Like, I dreamt that the very first time I get to go to Italy is for my honeymoon. I dreamt that the very first time I ever wear expensive, customized clothes is for my wedding. I dreamt that the very first time I ever go to manicure/ pedicure/ facial treatment is before my wedding.

I never get to do all that.

Sometimes, I got all bratty and told my then-boyfriend-now-husband, "I bukannya miskin sangat sampai baju kahwin pun sewa!" and pouted. "See, my friends tempah baju dekat so and so, pergi honeymoon at so and so, photographer dia so and so, buat wedding dekat so and so, hantaran dia so and so..."

It always broke his heart whenever I said that.

Sorry.

Budget contemporary wedding

- no engagement ceremony
- no honeymoon
- no malam berinai
- 2 photographers for RM3k, plus extra photographer for RM500
- no pre wedding photoshoot
- nikah and sanding on the same day
- no hiasan bilik
- small number of invites
- rented two baju for RM500
- no spa, no facial
- no expensive, sexy lingerie (requested a friend to buy as a wedding gift)

Total damage is about RM30k still!

I spent a little bit more hantaran (insisted by then-boyfriend-now-husband):
1) watch 5k
2) shoes 2.5k
3) jeans and shirt 2k
4) cake a gift from a relative
5) sirih junjung DIY
6) sejadah bought in Mekah
7) perfume RM300

However, we only ordered for 5 trays of hantaran and charged with RM550, with wooden trays included, not rented.

Miscellaneous:

3 star hotel stay for his rombongan RM500
extra cake RM330 (did not expect a free one from the family)
kuih muih after nikah FOC by caterer
a pair of wedding shoes RM70 plus DIY
duvet cover for the bilik pengantin with new pillows (must ask Mother)
extra fruit cake, wajik, jeli kelapa, karipap (must ask Mother)
PA system and a non-talkative DJ (I like!) RM400
catering RM12 x 600 for 12 menus (including drinks) = RM7200
pecal RM100
tents RM350 x 5 with tables and chairs (we all hate the shade of colour used though, ugly!) = RM1750
pelamin, make-up x 2 (MAC and Estee Lauder), inai, baju and accessories RM5000-6000 (to be confirmed)
kompang RM250
upah tok kadi and saksi RM500
wedding favours (various types) RM1500
cards RM1 x 300 = RM300

My husband's side is more cost efficient because no pelamin and kampung style.

I paid for all, Alhamdulillah, except for the kompang team, sponsored by Brother Number 2.
I gave a lump sum to Mother so she can pay whatever things she choose.

That is my budget wedding and I am mostly satisfied. Ada juga yang tak puas, tapi kebanyakannya syukur.

SOMETIMES.

Sometimes, I get readers complained that I have changed. Some said they no longer like what I write. I know that I am so bad in replying comments, I really want to, but time does not permit sometimes. Some other times, I do not know what to say back. I don't like being defensive because probably, all the comments that were directed to me are true.

I am aware that I don't have many readers. It's not what I intend to achieve. Probably that is why I don't mind if there are people who hate me. You stumbled upon this blog and you read about me, this is me, the person you don't know how she looks like, where she lives, what she works as, you don't know. What you know is only I have my ups and downs, I have my regrets, I make mistakes, I whine and can be grateful all at the same time.

I also realize, sometimes, that I have become angrier or more impatient or more competitive. I see all the others have that I want, that sometimes, I forget to appreciate what I already have. I always want the best.

Sometimes, I think, there is nothing wrong of wanting the best for myself. Oftentimes too, I think, there's nothing wrong of having less than the best, as long as they serve their purposes.

I admit that I might have changed. I grow.






ICE CREAMS.

Whenever my boyfriend came over to my house, he will hug and kiss whichever kid there is at that time. The typical question that he would ask any of them is, "Nak ice cream?"

So, naturally, like the Pavlov dogs, the sight of his figure will make them all excited because they know, my boyfriend means ice creams!

One day, the kids were causing me a headache, shouting and jumping around, so I scolded them, "Don't scream!"

They stopped screaming alright. But with big twinkling eyes, one of the kids asked me innocently, "Ice cream?"

"No! I said, Don't scream!"

"Yeay! Ice cream, ice cream!" she started screaming and soon, the screaming became infectious and all the kids shouted and demanded for ice creams!

My boyfriend created the monsters.







INSECURE.

Last but not least, it's the wedding season. So many of my friends got married. And boy, they wore the prettiest gowns, prettiest make ups, prettiest shoes, prettiest receptions, prettiest pelamins, prettiest photos...

I feel so small. (Shy)

awesome night

I really don't mind if I didn't have a bachelorette party, but I am very glad that my lovely friends threw a 'surprise' party for me.

I had seen it coming. My friends could not lie properly.

The crowd should have been bigger but many did not make it due to a funeral of a colleague in Penang.

It was a sad morning, finding out the sudden death of him. His wife, who works in the same building, cried uncontrollably, asking us to wake him up. It dropped my heart seeing her, whose marriage is only 6-month-old and a baby in her belly.

Never drink and drive. Never get in the same car with a drunken driver.

When she decided the husband will be buried in Penang, some of my friends/ colleagues went to accompany her.

I could not imagine myself being in her place. May my colleague rest in peace. May she be strong enough to get through this.







The venue of my party was in Solaris Damansara.

My friend, warned me beforehand, "It is a fancy restaurant, so dress to kill."

"But we are wearing white tops and jeans, how do you dress to kill?" I asked.

Stumped, my friend replied, "You know, just add chains and whatever!"

Yeah, right.

When I arrived, my other friends were puzzled, "Why is the celebrated one looks the same with the rest of us?"

And nobody wanted to admit who gave away the surprise and the dress code to me. Believe me, it was not only one person to be blamed, but two!

Like any hen party, I had a crown and a sash. The team was Hawaiian so my friends distributed tutu skirt for me and flowers for the boys and girls. We had the typical 'dirty bunny' cupcakes and we talked and laughed until it was 2am when everybody began to get sleepy.

Man, we are old, we have lost the talent of no sleep but party all night long.

In the end, Brad P told me the people who was supposed to come, ie: my colleagues.

I am happy nevertheless, because it will be a little bit awkward to combine my friends with people at work, what the hell were we going to talk about, how was I going to keep both parties entertained.

I'll leave that happening at my wedding.







On the way back, I was in the same car with Brad P.

This is my colleague, who also turns out to be a great friend, well adjusted to my already existing friends.

We talked about the career we will have after this. I poured my heart of my fear regarding this permanent union with my boyfriend.

I like the talk.

The talk that made me reflect my decision to wed the not-so-perfect guy is perfect for me. The talk that made me realize that moving in a new town might not be so bad at all. The talk that confirmed that I have a wonderful, thoughtful, kind-hearted, mature husband-to-be that could take care of me.

When I arrived home, I texted a message to my boyfriend, telling him that I will never regret marrying him.

I have no idea what to prepare for my wedding day.

Q1: You know, our friend Sasha went for this facial which uses crushed diamond. It will make your face glow...
Me: I am not going to for a facial.
Q1: Why not?
Me: I am scared if something goes wrong and I'll look ugly on my wedding day! Besides, I am not going to fall for this scam...Diamond facial? How much would that cost you?

Q2: Aren't you going to get a massage or something?
Me: No. No mandi bunga, no spa, no massage. I don't have time...

Q3: You should go remove all your facial hair.
Me: I have facial hair?!
Q3: No...But you should go threading. The make up will last longer. And go shape your eyebrows...But you have to ask his family first whether they'll let you or not...
Me: Hehehe...Even if he lets me, I don't think I want to mess with my eyebrows. They are fine...I will tell the make up artist to use make up to shape my eyebrows.

Q4: What will your contact lenses colour be?
Me: Er, I don't wear contact lenses.
Q4: Why don't you try 'hazel'. Or greenish grey...I will sponsor them for you! Just tell me what colour you want.
Me: But I don't know how to wear contact lenses.
Q4: It will make your eyes look bigger...They are the most important part of your face.

Me: I just want to do manicure and pedicure.
Q5: Are you going to Nail Parlor? When?
Me: Well, not now. Just before my wedding day.
Q5: When will you get your menses?
Me: Around that time. But I am not planning to put anything for my nails. I can request that can't I?
Q5: I think so.
Me: I've never been for a manicure pedicure before. But I can request for it, right? Because, what's the point, I'm going to have inai painted on my hands...

I am so, so sad that I can't be a typical bride-to-be. I really just don't care about anything.
I just don't want to be too different on my wedding day that people will be having a hard time recognizing me. I don't want to look like someone else in my wedding pictures.

I like how I look even though I used to hate myself when I was younger. I have come to terms that this is me and this is the best God has given me.

You know, everytime you look in the mirror, you should be reciting a doa, "Ya Allah, cantikkanlah peribadiku sebagaimana Engkau cantikkan wajahku ini."

If you think you are not beautiful, you are wrong. You are beautiful...








My boyfriend is really nice for putting up with me.

One time, I cried and cried because I didn't get my dream wedding dress.

He felt so bad that he promised me that he would find me one.

In the end, we didn't find any that we liked, but the fact that he was able to console me, he's truly my only one.

I accused him for dumping all the wedding burdens on me, forgetting the fact that he did almost 80% of my wedding. Eighty percent!

I am beginning to be the dependent wife. Haha.

Again and again, I am blessed to have this wonderful person as my soon to be husband.

I love it when he plays with the kids. He would kiss nieces and nephews and buy them ice creams and watches. These kids grow fond on him very quickly. Every time he comes, they will scream and make noise and wanting to be near him while whispering loud enough, "Nak aiskrim..."

Haha, damn cute.

He is also very generous with the compliments, constantly tell me how lucky it is to have me.

Just last week, he bought me a surprise bouquet of flowers because he thought he had not presented anything to me of late. On the note, typed,

"To my wife, Ectopy. I love you. With love, husband."

I could tell he was excited about the marriage.

His friend saw the flower bouquet in the car.

Friend: Bunga apa ni?
Him: Oh, ada orang bagi...
Friend: Orang bagi? Ni, tulis, "To my wife, From husband"...
Him: (Very embarassed) Tadi aku bagi dekat tunang aku lah...Saja je berangan dah kahwin...

So embarassing!

(I left the bouquet in the car because I couldn't be bringing the flowers on the aeroplane when my hands are full!)

I thought I will never be one of those bride-to-be.
Because my simple wedding, with only 500 of invites, nothing fancy at all, will never have dramas, or so I thought.

I was summoned for a sibling meeting just now.

It was really an ambush, I was even warned beforehand that no hard feelings to be taken, but even the strongest person like me can become vulnerable.

After the drilling session, I went to Mother's room. Mother was sitting on the prayer mat, still reciting prayers. So, I landed myself on her bed, immersed my face in her pillows, and sobbed quietly like I always do.

She let me cry. Finally, she asked why.

"Diorang kata Ectopy menyusahkan Mother," I told her.

I continued to cry silently. For about 10 minutes, she broke the silence.

"Sudahlah tu. Awak cakap awak kan kuat..."

Everybody thinks I am strong. I think I am strong. I am strong and brave.

I am so tough that when I was 5, I fell down and my knee hurt pretty badly, but I didn't tell Mother. I still have the ulat gonggok scar on my left knee. I was bleeding with isi daging terkeluar semua but I let my body healed the wound without medical intervention.

I am so tough that I thought myself to ride the bicycle and swim. Seriously. I was 5 or 6 years old. No special classes, no supervision, nothing.

I am so tough that when I was 12, I saw a snake, I didn't scream. Instead, I quietly told Mother there's a cobra in the kitchen.

I am so tough that every time I met an accident, I settled it myself.

I am so tough that I was the only one in my family who dares to ride the meanest roller coaster, participate in extreme sports, represents my school for all sorts of competitions.

I am so tough that I have traveled for so many times to foreign countries, alone.

I am so tough that I worked the next day after I was assaulted by two robbers, bleeding and all.

I don't know why am I so independent.

I broke down because they actually think I don't do anything to reduce the burden on Mother.

Did I not find my own caterer?
Did I not find my own pelamin decorator?
Did I not find my own wedding attire?
Did I not find my own khemah?
Did I not find my own wedding cards?
Did I not follow Mother's request to do it all in one day?
Did I not agree for a small do?
Did I not become a bridezilla?







Writing is a good for me. I was crying for nearly 3 hours just now, with all sorts of things I thought I wanted to write.

I was sick all over, nauseated and I accidentally knocked my head to a hard surface that a bump is growing off my forehead.

But now that I have felt better, I will stop dwelling too much into it.

And again, I heal myself. I am better.

Let's talk about something else.








My boyfriend and I were listening to Red FM.

Caller: My first girlfriend has a brain like Einstein's, a heart like Mother Theresa's, and a body like Megan Fox's.

"Abang, oh, my God, he is talking about me!" I exclaimed to my boyfriend.

My boyfriend gave his usual, 'Please-jangan-perasan' look.

Caller: But, like any other guy, I thought, if this was my first girlfriend, imagine how my second girlfriend could be like! So, I dumped her. And I never found someone who can match her.

Men are idiots.








What's different with this current relationship of mine compared to the previous ones is: I think I love him more than he loves me.

I've been told for so many times that it's better to be with somebody who loves you more than you love him.

Can that be a strong enough reason if I were to cancel this wedding?









As much as I don't like hearing a friend bujang trang tang tang married a divorcee anak satu yang tak bekerja tinggal dengan mak bapak, sometimes, I don't like it when my boyfriend agrees with me secara berlebihan.

So, when I think he already had enough bad things to say about them, I turned the table and said, "Tak baiklah abang ni, kutuk-kutuk diorang. Itu kan dah jodoh...Nabi Muhammad pun kahwin dengan janda juga."

I hate it when my boyfriend becomes a smartass, with an answer like this,

"Kita tak boleh bandingkan diri kita dengan Nabi Muhammad. Pertamanya, Khadijah tu yang pinang Nabi, bukan Nabi pinang dia. Keduanya, Khadijah tu kaya, dia tolong Nabi. Bukan macam janda ni, duduk rumah, petang-petang pergi jalan-jalan cari laki!"

And, don't you especially hate it when some people simply menyerah pada takdir, saying, "Dah jodoh, nak buat mamacam mana..."

Well, contohnya lah kan, kalau kau dah tahu laki tu hisap dadah, tapi kau kahwin juga dengan dia, itu bukan jodoh okay. Itu bodoh!

I am very, very stressed.

Because.

I don't like the ustadz who is going to be my Tok Kadi. He is very rude, bad tempered, I can't believe he is an ustadz! Seriously. I have no respect for him at all. He is not like any other ustadz that will melt your heart when you talk to him.

U (Ustadz): Awak pemohon. Kenapa awak suruh tunang awak serahkan borang ni? Kalau belum berkahwin, jangan berlagak macam suami isteri. Naik kereta bersama pun tak boleh!

Me: (WTF! Then, you expect me, the girl, to call you, and eat lunch with you? And what if I didn't have a car? Dear Ustadz, one day, I wanna see you daughter sit behind her boyfriend, on a motorbike. Because you are not rich, you can't afford to buy a car for her. And I am sure you have at least 6 kids.)

U: Cuba duduk jauh-jauh.

Yeah, we were in the mosque, with my brothers, my uncle and the ustadz, sitting in a circle. How close can we even sit? In the end, we moved a few inches away from each other, which really, made no difference at all.

U: Hari ni berapa haribulan dalam tahun hijrah?

Me: (Too lazy to layan and talk to the ustadz, I shrugged my shoulders, a sign to tell him that I didn't know).

U: Bulan apa sekarang?

Noone answered because we freaking didn't know because we freaking (you think) don't pray, because we freaking (you think) masuk neraka!

U: Ada bawa pen?

I looked at my boyfriend because I passed the pen to him before we came to the mosque. My smart boyfriend left it in the car.

U: Pen pun tak bawa? Awak ni tak bersedia langsung.

Ustadz ni memang emo, sengaja cari pasal. Tapi semua orang malas nak layan so we kept quiet.

U: Oh, macam kenal je alamat rumah ni.

Brother 2: Ustadz pernah datang masa arwah meninggal.

U: Oohh...Yang dekat belakang sana tu? Arwah dah meninggal lama dah kan...Sepuluh tahun dah...

Me: (Hoi, bodoh, kepala hotak kau! Tak sampai setahun bapak aku mati! Kalau tak kenal, jangan buat-buat nak kenal!)

That really made me hit the maximum point. I just cannot look at the ustadz' face. Seriously!

Dia ingat senang ke to gather my wali and my saksi together, they have better things to do, but no, you insist to see them first, because well, you ustadz is really young, probably graduated from a university, trying to control things in your turf.

You make all of us angry with your nonsense act. My boyfriend called you twice, TWICE, to ask you whether it is okay if the saksi not there, and you said YES, your wife said YES, but on the day itself, you said differently. Are you freaking crazy!

The ustadz was at my neighbour's akad nikah, and he commented that it was better to the akad in the mosque rather than in the house.

If he does that during my wedding, I'd be very angry. I have my reasons for having the akad nikah in my house. I have many non-Muslims friends and a lot of my aunts and relatives don't dress appropriately.

WHY DOES HE HAVE TO DO MY AKAD NIKAH, CAN I HAVE SOMEONE ELSE PLEASE!

Me: Marahnya I dekat ustadz gila tu! Boleh tak kalau I taknak maafkan dia!
Bf: Tak baik tak memaafkan orang...Hari tu, you juga yang suruh I maafkan budak sekolah pondok yang mengaji kitab tu...

Budak sekolah pondok yang mengaji kitab found my boyfriend's missing mobile phone, used it to call Cambodia AND to play online games, which was charged to my boyfriend's bill- RM300 in one day.

My boyfriend was so angry because
1) kononnya belajar agama
2) bukan budak kecik- dah 16 tahun
3) dah jumpa phone orang, kenapa tak pulangkan? Siap guna lagi...

And I...I asked him to forgive the kid. How silly...Now, I have to forgive the ustadz!

Anyway, in the end, we left the mosque in anger. I'm glad my uncle stood by me and agreed the ustadz was indeed crazy. Tak bawa pen pun nak marah tak tentu pasal. And this uncle is from Father's side, so this uncle is alim juga! If uncle alim thinks that Ustadz is crazy, I am not wrong to think so too.








Then, the hantaran shopping. It was fun then it was not then it was fun, and now, my watch has gone missing! Bengang gila! Tinggal kotak je! Please God, I pray to you, please return my watch to me...

My boyfriend definitely had the most fun though. He received lots of free gifts and for some reason, the salespeople are nicer to him!

I also need to prepare for a presentation. Work is mad. I am busy most of the time, by the time I arrive home, all I want to do is to sleep. Not to forget my impossible, unbelievable, ungrateful clients! They are so stupid sometimes!

Urgh!

My wedding preparations are minimal. No mandi bunga, no spa, no facial, no bachelorette party, no malam berinai. I already nearly die now. I just need to trim my hair and do my first ever manicure and pedicure, then I'm done and happy.

I want everything to be settled so I myself can settle down in a new town and that's it. Make babies and climb up the career ladder. That's all I care at the moment.