this and that

2012-01-30T19:28:00.003+08:00

My husband told me about the story of a woman whose total asset is worth 300million. I forgot to ask 300million in which currency, though. RM or USD? Whatever currency it is, it is a lot of money.

Unfortunately, she passed away at the age of 50 plus due to cancer.

She has no children and all her relatives refuse the assets, saying that they have received enough when she was still alive. Bless them.

Now, if there is noone to claim what is left, all of the money will go to Baitul Mal.

Before she passed away, she returned to Malaysia more frequently than usual. After further investigations, she had actually built about four mosques.

Me: Apa perasaan jadi orang kaya, Abang? What would you do with the money?
Husband: I'd be like her. I akan buat masjid, derma banyak-banyak dekat orang...
Me: Boringlah you ni!
Husband: Apa pasal pulak?
Me: Kalau I, I nak swimming dalam duit tu. Sambil jerit, "Aku kaya!" Lepas tu, I nak beli macam-macam! (Laughs)

But seriously, what would you do with that amount of money?

I would buy/ build my dream house, that's for sure. Then, I'd buy a nice car. That's about it.

Last night, before I fell asleep, I wonder whether she was happy. She worked abroad, her husband passed away earlier, she had no children, but she had the money. Do I really want to be in her shoes, just to taste how it is like to have 300 millions?

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I usually sing in the car. Surprisingly, I know most song chorus well, that I can sing along to. My niece still beats me in memorizing the lyrics though. I pun tak tahu macam mana budak tu boleh ingat.

If I wasn't singing, I'd talk in the car. Talk, talk, talk.

If I wasn't singing or talking, I'd be sleeping or on a strike mode. Haha.

Usually, this is how it goes:

Me: Abang, ceritalah! Asyik I je yang cerita!
Husband: Nak cerita apa?
Me: Ceritalah apa-apa! You ni boringlah. I dah cerita macam-macam dah dekat you. Penat dah I. You lah pulak cerita!
Husband: Okay...Hari tu...Bla bla bla (boring stuff, no gossip at all)
Me: Boringlah cerita you! Dahlah, tak payah cerita lagi! (Merajuk)

5minutes later...I start to sing just to entertain myself.

Anyway, last week, we were in the car. I had no story, my husband lagilah confirm memang tak ada story...Entah macam mana, I teringat-ingat the time I used to travel with my friends.

I did a lot of travelling back then. Since being anywhere, with your favourite people, is the best thing in life, we did have super much fun! Whetever mishaps we encountered (eg: stranded at the airport because there was a bad storm), we'd turn it into something memorable.

Usually, we would play a lot of riddles and tell jokes.

Suddenly, I chuckled because I was reminded of an old joke.

Husband: Kenapa?
Me: Abang, Abang pernah tak dengar cerita pertandingan tetek.
Husband: Haha. I tahu...Tapi dah lupa sikit-sikit. You cerita baliklah.
Me: Okay. Cerita dia macam ni. (Siap buat mimik gaya pertandingan cerita penuh keseriusan, guna slang Bahasa Indonesia)

Dalam sebuah kampung, diadakan satu pertandingan buah dada terbesar.
Maka, ramailah perempuan-perempuan yang berbuah dada cantik berebut-rebut mempamerkan diri di atas pentas.
Setelah keputusan dibuat oleh para hakim, tibalah masa untuk mengumumkan pemenang buah dada terbesar. Lalu, si pengacara pun berkata,

"Tempat ketiga, jatuh kepada, Dara Suriati! Buah dadanya bersaiz buah honeydew!"

*Clap clap clap*

"Tempat kedua, dengan kebesaran buah dada bersaiz buah tembikai, jatuh kepada, Haritasari!"

*Huiyo, besarnya, clap clap clap!*

"Tempat pertama...Dengan bersaizkan buah oren...."

*Eh, apa ni! Keciknya tetek dia! Boo...Boo...*

"Sabar tuan-tuan...Sabar! Itu baru PUTINGNYA!!!"

Husband: (Laughs as if it was his first time hearing the joke)

Sekarang ni, bolehlah cerita macam ni, because it's just the two of us. Nanti, bila dah ada anak, takkan nak cerita macam ni lagi. Bad parenting pulak dah...Haha...

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In a shopping mall.

I was hungry, we were passing McDonald's.

Me: Oooh...Laparnya...I nak makan berger-mbira!
Husband: Makan apa?
Me: Berger-mbira!
Husband: Apa?
Me: Burger lah! Itu pun tak tahu...Berger-mbira tu burger! Ber-ger-m-bi-ra!
Husband: (Laughs) Apalah bini abang ni...Macam budak-budak!
Me: You tak pernah dengar ke? It can be bergegar, bergelora...Any 'berge'...

Actually, semua benda-benda bodoh macam ni, I dapat masa I travel with my friends lah...

Like,

Q: Dalam banyak-banyak pen, pen apa masuk air keluar buih?
A: Pantene!
The above is actually from my niece. Haha.
Told this to my friends but they rejected it because, "Kena kocak-kocak dulu baru keluar buih!"

Q: Apa beza kereta baru dengan isteri baru?
A: Kereta baru, bila nampak lubang, kena mengelak. Isteri baru, bila nampak lubang, suka!

Q: Buka baju, ada bulu. Selak bulu, ada batang. Apakah dia?
A: Jagung.
Everytime I nampak batang jagung, mesti teringat teka-teki ni.

And many more! Some are even mind-boggling smart kind of riddles!

2012-01-25T01:21:00.000+08:00

Kesian my husband. I think I can be difficult to live with.

My mood is labile. I can be shouting, crying and laughing within minutes. I am so blessed that I have a husband who is very patient and able to tolerate my nonsense.

I also can be insensitive and sometimes, too frank regarding my opinions.

Living with someone who is of a different social background than you is challenging.

Sometimes, my husband says I am spoilt.

The thing is, I expect my husband to give me what Father used to provide me with. Actually, better things than Father, because that's how I was raised to believe in. Life must be constantly improved. For me, that's success.

I have learned to mind my words and my husband has learned to not mind so much the things I don't mean to say.

I can't remember the last time we went to bed angry. I am glad that he now knows that a kiss and an apology (even though he's not wrong) are the things I really want whenever we are in an argument. Haha. Perempuan lemah. Senang betul kena pujuk.

However, I still couldn't help but to refuse from riding a Kancil or a motorcycle.

Fine, I don't mind so much the motorcycle because the helmet covers my face. But the fact that I am getting used to it, the fact that I am no longer scared of the 'kona baring', the fact I can now not hold onto my husband as a pilllion rider, it changes me. I am now a minah rempit/ bohsia. Haha.

As for the Kancil/ Viva, that's because of health issue. I am simply allergic to the car. Whenever I am in it, I'd feel nauseated. It might be the poor suspensions which cause vibrations to my brain that my body could not take. It's real. I do not make up the symptoms. So, in order to avoid me from having throbbing, painful headaches, no small cars for me, please! Not even a five-minute ride.

It's good to have somebody who is 'sekufu' as your partner.

I have to tolerate people who do not use the same plate and saucer set to serve their guests (how can you jumble everything and put them on display for your guests!), I have to give up wearing high heels to weddings (I'd end up ruining my shoes or simply terpeleot di tengah jalan), always eat the same type of food for lunch/ dinner because nobody knows how to cook/ eat proper Western/ Japanese/ Chinese food (must eat nasi pagi petang siang malam baru boleh kenyang) but I swear I'll learn to satisfy myself in this matter, etc etc.

My marriage requires a hell lot of gives and takes.

Even though, physically, my life is at a plateau or probably, worse (?) but spiritually, this is still considered a progress.

Ah, this reminds me of a conversation my husband, my friend, *Hassan, his brother, *Hassanudin and I were having. (Haha. Hassan and Hassanudin? Pandai-pandai je I ni buat nama)

We were talking about Japan and tsunami. How animals are reliable signs for a natural disaster to occur.

Husband: Sebelum tsunami jadi, banyak ikan dekat tepi pantai. Orang pun suka. "Rezeki Tuhan ni. Murahnya rezeki!" Padahal dia orang tak tahu, ikan sebenarnya lari dari ombak besar.

Hassanudin: Hahahaha. Kalau rezeki datang dulu, baru datangnya kesusahan, itu namanya bala! Kalau kesusahan datang dulu, lepas tu baru rezeki datang, tu baru namanya ujian Tuhan...

So, to conclude, be patient of your harships. InsyaAllah, kesenangan akan menyusul.

Chewaahh, ending baik punya! Haha.

2012-01-13T21:56:00.001+08:00

Kesiankucing I. The last time I saw her, she was fat and healthy.

Me: Whyis she so thin?

Niece:Auntie Ectopy tak tahu ke dia kena kidnap?

Me: Bilapula dia kena kidnap?

Niece:Ada satu hari tu, dia hilang tiga hari. Lepas tiga hari, dia balik rumah. Takutdengan orang...

Me: Yeke?Lepas tu jadi kurus?

Niece: Haah. Memang kurus. Lepas tu, seminggu dia tak nak makan. Nampak orang je teruslari.

Me: Ala,dia okay je dengan I...

Niece: Tusebab orang dah sayang-sayang dia...Dia dah belajar manja-manja balik!

Somepeople can be so mean! If you saw something you like so much, the least youcould do is to take care of that thing!

Even ananimal can be traumatised. Apatah lagi manusia.

I havesaid this many times before, but I am going to mention it again, I am stilltraumatised by motorcyclists.

I nolonger put my gear at N (Neutral) when the traffic lights turn red, especiallywhen I am at the front with the motorcyclists surrounding me. I even becomesuspicious towards the security guard who walked behind me when I am walking tomy car at the parking lots. I am extra cautious nowadays and I kinda like andhate it at the same time.

I like itbecause people can't mess with or I'd give them my flying kick. I hate itbecause I've become quite jumpy.

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One day,I was rushing to finish my work. I ended up working extra hours.

Me:Abang, I rasa I workaholic.

Husband:Kenapa?

Me: Sebabwalaupun I penat, walaupun I banyak kerja, walaupun I sepatutnya kena balikawal, tapi I habiskan juga kerja I. And I rasa puas sebab dapat habiskan kerjatu. Kalau tak ada kerja, I jadi boring pula.

Husband:I faham apa yang you rasa. I pun suka kerja I juga. Biarlah tak banyak duit pun.Tapi I happy.

If wethink about it, there's actually nothing to love about my job. Long hours and Ideal with quite a lot of shit.

But thenagain, this is the job that taught me about life.

It has been long since I feel good about myself. This job, this is something I am really good at. I am glad.

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I know apolitician who has 13 children.

5 of themare drug addicts.

Truestory.

I can'tunderstand how people can idolize him or vote for his party. If I were theleader of the party, I won't even consider him to be my secretary.

Come on,you can't even control your own family and you want to protect the Rakyat'srights?

If youare that responsible, why don't you send your problematic children to get theproper help instead of just feeding them away?

Sure,iman tak dapat diwarisi, we all have black sheeps and bad apples in the family,you are not all to be blamed for your chidlren's bad behaviours, but five ofthem? Really? There has to be something wrong with you as well.

Palingtak tahan tu, one of the sons sibuk nak saman orang. Konon nak menegakkankeadilan, nak guna mahkamah lah, patutnya kitorang yang guna mahkamah sumbatadik-beradik kau tu masuk jail. Tak malu betul!

Speakingabout people who encourage addicts...There this one Dato' whose son is now hasgone cuckoo after overdosing God-knows-what-drugs.

Sometimes,this son of his got away from the house and acting all weird, scaring thepeople at that neighbourhood. Not only he is acting weird, he is dangerous too!Sometimes, he carries an axe or a dagger, and stopping passer-bys and harassingthem. Crazy!

Dato' nipun bodoh ke apa, first, he denies the crazy man lives at his house. Then, hebribes people to keep their mouths shut. When the victims want to make a policereport, he tells them, "Awak cakaplah awak nampak satu lembaga...Kalauawak cakap awak nampak orang, saya tak nak bayar!" Laaa, if the lembagawas not your son, why would you want to pay in the first place!

If I were the victim and he saidsomething like that to me, I'd go ballistic. Or...I'll ask for a large amountof money. Haha. Nak bribe I pun, bagilah ribu-ribu...Dah awak tu Dato' yangsayangkan anak kan...

2012-01-09T15:59:00.002+08:00

The Hajj will always be significant in my life. It the one big event that Father went to before he passed away. During his funeral, my aunt said to me, "I am sad. But I am also very, very happy sebab dia pergi bersih lepas Haji."

My other aunt and uncle went for Hajj recently. Back from Mekah, the couple visited Mother. My uncle swears to God he saw Father in Masjidil Haram.

According to him, he wanted to say Hi but Father was praying. So, my uncle prayed right next to him. Just as he was about to finish his prayers, after the last sujud, Father disappeared.

My uncle said he wouldn't lie because, "Orang baru balik Haji, tak akan lah nak menipu!"

It's probably some pelanduk dua serupa. I don't care, one day, when I get to perform Hajj, I wish I could see the sight of someone who looks like Father, peacefully praying there.

Heartwarming.

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I am back at Mother's house for a few days. I like it when everybody gathers here, especially my nieces.

When they saw my husband, let's address him as Uncle Ectopac, they immediately got all excited. They would scream and make him their horse. My husband ni pulak jenis yang melayan, ais krim, playground, zoo, habis...!

After a long drive, naturally my husband would get tired. But he just can't say "No" to the children. He asked me to take over the kids, I was too tired myself, I told him to pretend to sleep and not to react and the kids would take the hint and leave us alone.

But, my husband stubbornly submitted himself to the children. "Kesian diorang boring..." he gave his excuse.

Niece: Uncle Ectopac! Nak tengok tiger!

Husband: Pergilah ajak Mama and Papa...

Niece: Mama and Papa tak nak pergi. Mama and Papa nak kerja je...

Words coming out from a three-year-old. Patutlah husband I kesian.

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My husband received a call from a distant relative.

He told my husband that his son-in-law, a doctor, was being accused of molesting one of his patients.

Me: Why would he tell you that?
Husband: I don't know.

Anyway, basically, his son-in-law was examining the patient. He was supposed to have a chaperon, but this doctor was too nice to wake the nurses up.

Me: OMG.
Husband: Tu lah! Baik tak kena tempat.

My husband asked who the 'victim' was and he said a Malay girl.

The point is, I pity that young doctor. Kau tu baik sangat...Lain kali kejut je lah nurse yang tidur tu, memang dah kerja dia. Jangan biar orang pijak kepala kita. Secondly, bersabar je lah dengan dugaan...Thirdly, perlukah kau bagitau bapa mertua kau pasal ni sampai bapa mertua kau telefon orang yang setakat bau-bau bacang dengan dia?

Haha.

I am sure your superiors can tell which accusation is true and which is false. Don't worry, Doctor.

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One night, after a nice dinner, my husband and I were browsing the local radio channels in the car. I stopped when I heard this song

I loved this song, I memorize the lyrics. So, when I heard it was playing on the radio, I pun nak karaoke lah...

The problem is, it was a weekend night, so it was a remix, the song was cut short.

I was unsatisfied and got angry, I instantly switched off the radio and started to sing myself! (Ye lah, orang tengah syok-syok menyanyi...)

My husband thought it was funny of me. "Marah dekat radio, lepas tu nyanyi sendiri...Hahaha...Apalah isteri abang ni..."

Okay, I never behaved in such way, but I guess I really wanted to sing.

So, I continued singing for two minutes. Once I finished, I pretended that I was in a concert and people adored me, so I shouted, "Yeay! Woohoo! Phewwwiiitt!" and my husband joined in by clapping and cheering along the imaginary crowd.

Haha.

It was a funny scene in the car.

My husband always says that I make him look silly. For some reason, he would just go with whatever I say, even though, in actual, jangan haraplah dia nak buat.

Love!

2011-12-26T23:43:00.001+08:00

First and foremost, I hate people who like to keep fish and birds as pets, but never provide enough space for them to swim or fly. It is depressing. Can you imagine being the trapped in a confined space for probably the rest of your life, without having your friends or families around?

If you can't afford to buy a big fish tank or build a nice birdhouse, just let them be free!

I feel pity for those fish and birds. Everyday eat the same type of food pulak tu!

Once, I went to a wedding where the table centre pieces were vases filled with goldfish. You think it's grandeur, but it was not. The fish were basically gasping for air, all of them crowding the surface of the water (the top part of the vases were narrow), it's painfully suffocating to watch.

The event planner was one of the most famous in country but I wasn't impressed. Idea dia kejam gila.

What's next?

I seem to write a lot about my friends. Macamlah I have a lot of friends. Well, actually, I do, haha. It's just that I am only close to a handful. The same people keep popping up on this blog, except that I change their names everytime, fooling you people as if I am writing about different people.

So anyway, about my friend. Well, this time, I am going to talk about Yazid.

There's something about Yazid. Everybody loves Yazid. I know at least two people who named their kids Yazid because they like Yazid so much! Yeah, Yazid is good-looking, he's smart and kind-hearted bla bla bla.

Yazid has a girlfriend. LDR (long distance relationship lah!) Sidenote: My husband calls it PJJ- percintaan jarak jauh. The first time I heard he said it, I laughed so hard, I told all my friends as if it was the biggest joke ever. Turns out, people do generally call it PJJ. I thought my husband made it up and was trying to be funny. Haha!

Yazid works in another state.

One time, he took a ride back to KL with his colleague because well, carpooling saves petrol.

After Yazid's colleague, lets call her Wahidah, dropped him off, Wahidah said "I love you" to Yazid. Yazid sudah panic, he texted me. What should I do, he asked. I said to ignore. "But what about tomorrow? We are going back together, that's a 5-hour drive!" I told him to pretend to fall asleep.

(Then he said why my solution is always to avoid. Haha. True. I always ask people to pretend to fall asleep whenever in crisis. I tak ada idea lain yang lebih creative lah!)

A few weeks later, Wahidah's body language was obvious. Yazid was becoming more nervous. Wahidah told Yazid, "I have something to tell you." Yazid avoided Wahidah's serious talk by talking about his girlfriend non-stop.

That delayed Wahidah's love confession. Instead, she took the courage to send an SMS to Yazid professing her love to him.

Yazid replied her SMS with the usual, "I am flattered but I have a girlfriend and I am already committed to her. I am sorry. Bla bla bla"

Guess how I reacted to the story?

Yazid: I really admire her guts of doing so. I have to give credits to her because even I won't do something like that.

Me: OMG! But she is so disrespectful! How come she is so overly confident? Is she pretty? Wait, does she wear tudung? I am angrier if she does!

Yazid: She's okay-looking. And yes, she wears tudung. Kenapa pula disrespectful?

Me: Because she knew you are in a relationship. She intended to break you guys up! Did she really think you would leave your girlfriend for her? Why can't she just suppress her love and wait until you guys fell out of love. Why does she have to be the reason for a broken relationship? Why is she so desperate? She could have be at least respect the fact that you are not available for the moment. What if the same thing happen to her? How would she feel, bila ada orang lain nak rampas husband you, walaupun perempuan tu tahu yang lelaki tu dah kahwin, dah ada isteri? Dia tak fikir ke semua ni?

Yazid: Emo.

Me: Mestilah! Why can't she just keep quiet about her feeling? Besides, is she crazy to fall in love with you within three months? Why does she love you so much anyway? Are you sure you didn't mislead her or anything?

Yazid: I swear, I did not! I treat her like a friend. I am nice as a friend only.

Me: Tu lah you! Baik sangat!

Yazid: -___-"

During my school days, my kakak Usrah told us,
To love somebody without anybody knowing, except for Allah, is also a form of jihad.

Tak tahu lah betul ke tak. Tapi diam itu lebih baik. Malu itu sebahagian dari Iman.

Sabar itu separuh dari Iman. Perkahwinan itu melengkapkan separuh Iman.

Dari segi penaakulan mantik, kalau dah kahwin tu, lepas tu bersabar pula, maksudnya dah lengkaplah Iman tu! (Separuh + Separuh = Satu) Simple Maths!

Haha. Pandai-pandai je I ni buat summary sendiri.

2011-12-20T23:35:00.002+08:00

I had a false alarm today. Been late for a week, got all excited, husband is away and he sent me a message telling that he thought this is it, tapi nampaknya, panas tak berpanjangan, hujan di tengahari. Literally, I nearly wet my pants. Luckily, I brought a spare sanitary pad. Then, I told my husband and we are both sad.

I think I tend to overimagine things. Like today, I am having a very heavy menses, which is strange because I normally have, well, normal flow. I was passing out blood clots, so, I wondered whether it was actually my baby yang tak lekat.

I know, I am getting more and more obsessed.

I am trying to relax but, hey, at least I don't rant verbally to my friends. I am still playing it cool. Speaking of friends, I have two friends who recently got miscarriages. Both were their first pregnancies. Kesian.

Sometimes, people judge others, "Oh, dia dah ada anak, tu pregnant nombor tiga," and they automatically think it's okay if they lose the babies. Or, "Dhia lagi kasihan gila, they've been trying for 5 years, lepas tu gugur pula..." Well, before you say anything further, aren't all pregnancies precious?

Enough about that.

Since I am having my period now and nearly got into an accident, hmm, wardrobe malfunction, so to speak. Don't get what I mean? I bocor lah tadi! Told you it was heavy.

I remember this one time it leaked so much, I stained my ex-boyfriend's carseat. "Sorry, I bocor. Eh, nope, I banjir!" Damn embarassing.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is...Have guys ever tried using tampons?

I used to think that I would begin to use tampons after I got married. It seems more convenient. Takkan dah tua-tua nak bocor lagi kot...Konon-kononnya I wanted to reserve for a penis to penetrate my virginity first instead of a tampon lah...

(Although, I know, a tampon doesn't make you lose your virginity. It's just the fact of something going inside me scared the hell out of me.)

So...You've tried it before? I don't know when I will be converted. Guess I am not ready yet?

Moving on to penetrative issues, I still have pain when having sex. Don't know whether it's normal or not. As long as it is tolerable, then I think it's fine lah kot. Just wait until he comes. Kalau tak, just fake something and silently manouvre yourself to a more comfortable position. Problem solved.

I just realized this is quite a funny post. Look at the chain of events! From false alarm to period to miscarriages to tampons to painful sex. Aiyo.

2011-12-16T23:59:00.001+08:00

I rarely get to spend my weekends to do the things I love.

Last weekend, fortunately, I had an ample of time which I filled with reading A Doctor In The House (yeah, still haven't finished reading the book, I am only halfway there) alternating with being online.
Online, I began to read Father's blogs again. Father had two blogs, one was dedicated for his political views, one was reserved for the general things that had happened in his ordinary life. He started to write in 2004 until before he went to Mekah for his second Hajj in 2010.

In one of his earliest posts, he wrote the purpose of his personal blog is to help his family to understand him further.

He also described himself quite accurately- a very serious person with little sense of humour and has a strong character.

Boy, I miss him. He is my Father.

Analysing his personal blog, I noticed a recurrent theme. He too, missed his father so much. He regretted for not being able to provide him with a luxurious life because at that time, he was not capable yet. But, before my grandfather passed away, Father had the chance the bring him to the best Neurologist for his treatment. My grandmother was not very happy seeing my grandfather becoming dependent on the pills though. This was because her supertitious belief. Soon, his health deteriorated and Father watched him breathed the last breathe. According to Father, my grandfather asked for Father during those critical times. When Father was near, my grandfather was not able to utter the words. That's when the Angel of Death finally cut his string of life, leaving Father wondering what was it that my grandfather wanted to say.

How it is like to be left with that kind of question, not knowing, for 10 years?

Since Father was an avid writer, I guess that is something that we have in common. Probably, it is something that runs in the family.

In his time, Father used to write numerous e-mails to The Star, especially, and a number of times, got his letters published under a pseudonym. I don't write those kinds of letters, but I used to have many blogs. Zaman dulu-dulu, the time when I had no privacy, I had to write poems so only I can understand. My niece, she's going to be thirteen next year, had written in her blog fictional stories, it's quite impressive.

Other than us three, one from each generation, I don't think anybody else in the family possess this gift.

Father also wrote about the harship he had to go through as a child. They were so poor. Every year, Hari Raya clothes only came in the form of two new school uniforms and nothing else. He always told himself he would only celebrate if he succeeded in his studies.

I admire his determination to study hard, obtain a scholarship and change his ways life. No wonder he was so careful with money.

Probably, the reason I want to get pregnant so badly, is because I want to introduce my children to Father as early as I can. I want my children to be inspired by him because Father is such a great role model. He had so many minor diplomas and degrees and he still studied even though he had retired.

Sometimes...And I know this is bad. But sometimes, I wish my husband's background were better than what it is. We are so different. We don't even share the same priority in life (even though I am starting to convert him). But sometimes, I wish I could scream at his nephews or his brothers to change their attitudes. I understand why so many were against us. But this is love.

we hate people

2011-12-09T21:29:00.001+08:00

Do you know how it is like to hate a person for no apparent reason?
I don't like Reese Witherspoon. But, I know it's because she and Ryan Philippe got a divorce, and other than that, she just seems too perfect to me.

Anyway, my friend, Ben hates Ella so much, it's funny. I became his official dumping site of hatred towards this woman. Whenever he is annoyed by her, he would text me at random time, just to tell me what annoying thing she had done now. Why me? Because I happen to know Ella who is a friend of a friend of a friend (you get what I mean) and Ella works with Ben.

At first, Ben denied the fact that Ella had done nothing wrong and he simply hates her.

Ben: I don't hate her for no reason! She is very annoying. Annoying and irritating! It's her attitude that makes me hate her so much.

Me: Like what? Tell me.

Ben: I don't know. It's the things she says. She's like, trying too hard. Like she tries to make a joke, but it's not funny at all and she thinks she's cool.

Me: You know, Ben. I really think she's one of the people whom a person like you, hates for no apparent reason. It's okay. Because sometimes, we do hate some people for no reason. I understand. It reminds me of the time Hani hated Rina for no reason. Rina had never done anything wrong to Hani, they even barely talked to each other! But Hani hated her so much.

Ben: I hate her because of a reason! I just don't know what is the actual reason yet.

Well, over time, it became obvious that Ben hates Ella for reasons-we-don't-know-yet.

Last week, Ben texted me:

OMG, I am in this lunch-talk and Ella sits next to me. She took two pieces of chicken just now! Everybody else just took one. Such a greedy bitch.

I replied his text:
Laa...What is wrong with you! Biarlah dia ambil dua ketul ayam. Ayam tu tak cukup ke untuk orang lain? Hahaha...Sibuk je you tengok apa dia makan!

Ben:
I really hate her lah. I really cannot stand whatever she does or says. And I know I wouldn't have any problem if other people do, but when she does it, it's so wrong in my eyes! Help, she wants to do small-talk with me now.

Me:
Hahaha...You ni, berlakon je lebih. Dekat Facebook, I always see her commenting on your page. Maybe she likes you.

Ben:
No! Besides, I kenalah berlakon berbaik-baik dengan dia, she is my colleague okay...

Damn funny, right. Pasal ayam pun boleh jadi isu.

Selama ni, I thought girls je yang kena handle isu remeh temeh ni.
Or, is Ben secretly gay? (Ponders)

------------------------

Speaking of hating people, I haven't been hating anybody for so long, up until recently.

You guys know I am in a new working environment.
There's this woman whom I am not keen of so much.

What a small world, she used to be Jake's classmate.

Jake never warned me about her though. One day, I decided to complaint about her to Jake. Then only, Jake confessed, that he too was not very fond of her when they were classmates!

Thank God, I thought it was just me!
It's hard to explain.

She likes to complaint a lot, as if she is the only righteous person in the whole world. She likes to pass-over her work to me. She sometimes gets angry unnecessarily, although her anger is not towards me, but I find her a bit Mak Nenek. And once she talks, she likes to prolong her story and make everyone listen! It's painful. And she's getting fat. She just found her about her pregnancy and it becomes an excuse for her to take emergency leave, become lazy, avoid extra work, eat a lot junk...

(OMG, I am no different than Ben because I mind what she eats!)

She's proud of her husband.

She: Pagi tadi, rasa malas sangat nak pergi kerja. Lepas tu my husband cakap, kalau malas, ambillah emergency leave. I cakap, tak boleh. Lepas tu husband I cakap, apa salahnya, sehari je nak rehat-rehat dekat rumah.

She would repeat same story a few times in a week. (And finally, she did take the emergency leave)

I wish I could tell her, my husband is obviously better than your husband because...

Situation: In bed, early morning.

Me: Malasnya nak bangun! Tak nak kerja!
My husband: Yang...Yang kena bangun juga. Tak baik malas-malas. Kena semangat pergi kerja. Kena rajin. (Then my husband would kiss me for encouragement to start my busy day)

And that's the kind of husband I am proud of. (Love)

2011-11-28T22:37:00.001+08:00

My friend posted something interesting on Facebook.

Something that goes like, "There are 3 great apples that change this world. The forbidden apple Eve made Adam eat, the apple that fell on Sir Isaac Newton, and the Apple created by Steve Jobs."

Terus I rase nak beli anything Apple just because I want to be a part of something great. Haha, poyo! Mudahnya terpengaruh...

Mark, my travel partner, went to New Zealand without me knowing, so I am like, "Why didn't you tell me?!!!"

Mark: Because you are married.

Me: That's not an excuse! I haven't even been to a honeymoon yet!
Mark: You want to go for your honeymoon with me?
Me: Nooo!!! It's perfect because I can bring my husband and you'd be there to take our photos! Hahahaha...!

I really hate the fact that being married changes how a friendship works.

Hani: You know, maybe, the reason you are pregnant yet is because you haven't gone for a honeeymoon yet. So, go on, go get the mood going!
Me: Pandai ah you buat theory...
Hani: No, really, that's what my dad said...
Okay, so now everybody is talking about my childless marriage eh?

My friend, let's call him Patrick, found out about his father's other wife last year during a vacation overseas. According to Patrick, his father's naughty habit was no secret but he never thought his father would go that far. It hurt him because despite being the first-born, he was the last to know, and his younger siblings seemed indifferent about it. He never found out more about it because ignorance is bliss. He'd rather not acknowledge the fact that his father is polygamous.

This year, he bumped into his father's car in a condominium compound, in a different state!

What a coincidence, eh?

He wanted to play detective.

Me: Eh, I thought his other wife lives in another country? What happened?
Patrick: I don't know...And I don't know whether this is a new woman, or the same wife he brought back.
Me: You know, since everybody in the family knows about it, why don't you just ask him straight?
Patrick: There's no fun in that! Besides, we don't really talk about it.

It's funny at this age, we still feel excited about things like this.

But in the end, of course, the stake-out did not happen because we have too many other important things to do.

I still remember, about 10 years ago, my friend bumped into her uncle doing dirty dancing with a woman half his age in a club. Can you imagine seeing that?

I always talk to Patrick about how modernisation has made the marriage institution less sacred. How it has become widely acceptable in the society, that it is normal to fall in and out of love just like that.

It's sad. I wish to elabprate more on this but this is a sensitive topic. I mean, there are always two sides of a story and who am I to judge?

All I can say is, Kim Kardashian, why!!!

2011-11-27T00:22:00.003+08:00

I sometimes envy those people who get to live abroad.

Me? I live in a rural area. I rasa otak I tak berkembang macam ni!

Earlier on, my husband used to apologize to me for bringing me here. But, he no longer does it. Maybe he thinks I am now okay with it.

I am not. Well, at least not now.

One time, we got into a fight because of something small. But do you know how it is like when you suddenly explode? I poured out everything like a volcano.

At that time, my husband had said really hurtful things to me. But, I guess, he was hurt too.

Hey, who would have thought sacrificing, and going through the ups and downs, particularly, together, are actually difficult in practical?

We made up, as usual, like couples do.

Two days after, I received an SMS from Mother. "How are you? I heard the water is bad, scary looking even. Don't use the tap water, buy mineral water instead."

I showed it to my husband and he said like mother, like daughter, and we laughed it off.

See, I am not the only one who's being a diva here! It proves that my concerns are not crazy.

I had a rat in my shoes the other day. Can you imagine, early in the morning, not expecting anything, and suddenly when I was just about to slip my feet into my shoes, a rat came running out from it?!

I swear the rat had bitten my finger a bit. I cried on the way to work. My husband found it amusing. He said it was a frog. Like that would make it any better!

The only consolation despite all this is my husband.

He's been great. He treats me like a princess, me likey, but at night, he treats me like a bolster.

Aahhh...!!!

Are all husbands like this?

I need my space when I sleep, but he likes to hug and caress me. He has this habit that his skin must touch mine, as if I would disappear if he lets go. Then, whenever he feels like it, he would put his legs across my body and tightly squeeze me. I feel like a helpless doll.

As much as he interrupts my sleep, making me annoyed and irritated, I could feel the love.

:)

2011-11-09T11:20:00.002+08:00

Helloooooooo...

I just spent hours surfing blogs because, you know, I was out of civilisation for a month!

Basically, I am now based at a new workplace. It's different than the old one. From being the only Muslim in the whole department to ---> ALL Muslims in the entire department (who hold the same job position as mine).

I have so much to write, actually. But as usual, currently I am all blank.

What's new?

I am still not pregnant. (Rolls eyes)
You see, I have this weird obsession that I just have to give birth at the end of the year. I don't want my child to be born from January to June.

I don't want them to be old in their classes. That's why I just need to get pregnant now and be safe from having due dates in the early year!

How does it feel like to give birth? I imagine it like having to shit out really hard and big stool. Man, that's painful. I'd rather have diarrhoea than passing out hard shit. But whenever I'm having those painful episodes in the toilet, I treat it as a practise for my future giving birth experience. Talk about the ultimate optimism...

Okay, I'll stop being disgusting.

Mother...Mother is into iPad now ever since my brother introduced it to her. Come on, she is a grandMother and her oldest grandchild is a tween now. She said she could read the Quran with it and it can zoom in and out with just a touch awayyy..."So convenient," she said.

Mother: Belilah satu...Bukan mahal sangat pun...Seribu lebih je...

Sure, if it is not THAT expensive, why don't you buy me one, Mother...?

Haha, she sounded like me when I was younger, asking for a new gadget!

Like always, I ask, why can't I be richer!

I am grateful with what I have but I wonder how can other people afford things I could not afford when they earn as much, or probably, less than me! Don't they have bills to pay? Or savings for rainy days?

Anyway, I am using up my free time to hang out with my favourite people.

Met a friend and asked him who's his latest scandal.

He said he went clubbing with a girl and her friends, one of them is a doctor. The doctor was so drunk, that when it's time to leave, he got aggressive and refused the others from touching his carkeys. My friend and the two girls got pretty scared to ride with him, so, they simply took a cab and left him.

I was like, "What the hell! What kind of friends are you! How could you just leave him there! It's so dangerous!"

And the funny part is, the doctor could not recall a single thing. The next day, he asked, "What happened last night?" and they lied to him, "Oh, we don't know. You just left without telling us, so, we ended up taking the cab home..."

The doctor completely fell for that! And he said, "I am surprised that I got home safely, even though there are a lot of scratches on my cars..."

It made me so angry because

1) You are a doctor, you should know NOT to exceed your limit when it comes to alcohol. Especially when you are driving, you idiot!

2) My friend's mother got killed by a drunk driver and my colleague got killed because everyone was drunk in the car.

3) How could you leave your drunk friend like that! He could have been mugged and beaten up and abducted and his organs could have been sold!

Stop drinking, will ya! You are too old for that...

2011-09-25T23:53:00.004+08:00

I probably prefer to write in point form. Random thoughts again...

1)
I have a friend, Elizabeth. She's pretty, rich, smart...And she can be cocky at times. But she is married to our good friend, Hadi, so sometimes, we have to put up with her, whether we like it or not. Being the usual good people that we are, we always give her chances to prove that our perception towards her is wrong.

So, I met Vicky, who works in the same place as Elizabeth.

Me: Dah lama tak jumpa Hadi. Dia tak ajak ke pergi raya rumah dia? You know, if I were him, living in a nice condominium, I would have invited my friends over all the time. It's nice, what...
Vicky: Oh, semalam Hadi ada ajak jumpa. Tapi I busy semalam. And you know lah, his wife, Elizabeth tu...
Me: What's with her?
Vicky: Everytime I would like to think that she is a normal person, she will do these things that repel me.

And therefore, Vicky told me about what Elizabeth did.

To cut story short, Vicky likes to drop big, big names in their conversations.

For example:
"Eh, who is his father? Which powerful man? I mean, I am sure my father knows his father. Especially if his father was in so-and-so department. Because they are all invited to my wedding. Tan Sri Aziz? No, can't be. Tan Sri Firdaus? Can't be. Tan Sri Danial? Tan Sri Mahathir?"

And, being the typical me, I like to give people like Elizabeth my benefit of doubt.

Vicky's father is also a rich, famous, powerful person. So, I told Vicky, Elizabeth probably behaves that way around Vicky because they probably know the same people.

I said, "Maybe, Elizabeth tahu, yang you guys come from a similar background. So, Elizabeth ingat, it's okay. Maybe she thinks you would understand and not be offended. I mean, kalau dia cakap macam tu dekat I, mestilah I rasa dia berlagak gila. So, around me, she has to be extra humble. Tapi kalau dia cakap macam tu dekat you, maybe she thinks you wouldn't judge her. Sebab you guys experience more or less the same things."

Do you get what I mean?

Elizabeth may not be aware of this. Perhaps, she thinks she was having an innocent conversation with someone who is at the same par as her.
She must be stupid/ crazy to say those things to someone like me, because I am obviously not as privileged as them, it would have sounded like she intended to make me feel small.

Vicky: I know lah her father is a somebody, but does she have to make it obvious? The most annoying part is, she tells people about it, but, at the same time, she doesn't them to know whose daughter she is. She keeps them guessing. In the end, people come up to me to find out what famous person her father is.

In the end, I change and fixate my mind.

I guess, Elizabeth is probably that type of person, afterall.
You know, the You-want-people-to-know,-but-not-know,-but-you-still-want-them-to-know-from-other-people kinda person.

Am I making any sense here!

2)
I was filling up my time with my hobby- blog hopping- when I stumble upon this one blog by Miss Jamilah.

Miss Jamilah is a nice, married woman with one child. Her husband, Mr. Kamil, studied in *Planet Pluto. (I obviously can't name the place when he got his education to protect their privacy, duh)

As far as I know, there are only a handful of Malaysians who ever went to *Planet Pluto to further their study. I know only two, one is my husband's friend, Jay, (whom I have never met, by the way) and the other is Jay's housemate.

Me: Abang, abang ingat tak kawan abang yang pernah study dekat *Planet Pluto tu?
Him: Kenapa?
Me: Apa nama dia?
Him: Nama dia Jay.
Me: Dia tinggal mana sekarang?
Him: Sekarang tinggal dekat Puncak Alam. Kenapa?
Me: I ada jumpa satu blog ni. Husband dia pun pernah study dekat *Planet Pluto jugak. Tapi nama dia Mr. Kamil. And dia tinggal dekat KL. Salah orang kot...
Him: Oohhh...I kenal Mr. Kamil tu! Dia dulu housemate Jay dekat *Planet Pluto tu...

I was very impressed by Mr. Kamil. He's handsome and super rich! And by the way his wife describes him as, he sounds like a really nice person.

Him: Memang Mr. Kamil tu budak baik pun...
Me: Rumah dia besar tau, Abang...Ada swimming pool! Sebelum dia kahwin pun dah ada swimming pool. Senang je wife dia, lepas kahwin, kemas beg pindah rumah. Rumah cantik pula tu!
Him: Ala, bapa dia kaya...
Me: Ye lah, but it is still very impressive. Can you imagine, even as a bachelor, he lives in a house with a swimming pool!
Him: Abang tahu, Abang pernah pergi rumah dia dulu...

Contoh rumah Miss Jamilah and Mr. Kamil. Source: Google

As usual, my husband already knew where this was heading to...Hehehe...

Me: Why can't you be like that? Why can't I have a husband like that. I tahulah Abang pernah cerita pasal dia dulu dekat I, he's rich and all, but I didn't know he was also good looking! How come you never introduce me to your rich, good looking friends before we got married?

(Okay, this sounds like an isteri derhaka in the making. But trust me, I was only teasing my husband. A very mean game.)

Him: Mr. Kamil tu tak kayalah. Bapa dia yang kaya. He's the type yang masuk office, goyang kaki je...
Me: I don't care. He owns three very expensive cars. He flies overseas all the time. Dia lelaki yang jenis suka duduk rumah to spend time with his family. And he buys nice things for his wife.
Him: Well, memanglah dia baik. Masa dia study dekat *Planet Pluto dulu, Jay tak payah bayar sewa rumah pun. Mr. Kamil yang settle kan. Kadang-kadang, dia tinggalkan je credit card atas meja, so housemates dia boleh guna beli groceries. Tapi I respect sangat pada dia. Do you know why?

"Why?" I asked.

"Because he was born rich. Dia tak pernah hidup susah. I lebih suka kalau seseorang tu pernah hidup susah, kemudian dia jadi berjaya. Ataupun kalau dia memang datang dari keluarga mewah, tapi dia bina kerjaya dia sendiri. Barulah inspiring..." my husband explained.

Eleh, orang jealous memang cakap macam tu nak sedapkan hati sendiri...Hehehe...

Abang, bila Abang nak kaya ni!!!

3)
That night, I went to sleep thinking how nice it would be if we were rich.

I know if I were, I won't be spending the cash on designer items. I'd be more than satisfied if I were to have a nice, permanent house in a strategic location (because I want to start decorating my own house and never to move again), a nice, loan-free car and one whole year, at least, to not worry about work and thinking on how to generate money, but to travel around the world and do the things I love instead!

I asked the same question to my husband, what would do if you were rich?

"Abang nak pergi travel to Japan and Brazil. Tengok fashion show dekat Milan and New York," was his answer.

(-_-")

Slaps forehead.

That is my husband's life long dream? Really!

Me: Abang ni, macam perempuan lah! Buat ape nak pergi tengok fashion show?
Him: Sebab Abang suka fashion lah...Milan tu kan capital city of fashion...

Seriously. (Rolls eyes)

2011-09-23T23:36:00.005+08:00

1)
My husband is sick all the time! Resdunglah, demamlah, selsemalah, sakit belakanglah, peninglah, migraine lah...Seriously, I feel like strangling him sometimes, because I am the healthiest person I know! I don't fall sick easily, I can even drink the rain water and nothing will happen to me.

I always tell him that his genes are bad. I seriously hope my children won't be inheritting his health issues.

Me: I harap anak I tak macam you. Sikit-sikit nak sakit. Eee, tak sanggup I nak jaga. Mengada-ngada betul. Macam mana mak you tahan eh?
Him: Mak I pun terkejut I ni masih hidup. Nasib baik tak mati.
Me: What the hell! Your mother really said that to you?
Him: Ha'ah. Mak I kata it's a miracle. I asyik sakit je...

Oh-kay...

2)
Me: Malasnya nak kerja!
Him: Tak boleh malas-malas. Kena kerja jugak.
Me: Kenapa tak boleh malas pulak! Suka hati I lah nak malas.
Him: Sebab...Nanti rezeki susah nak masuk. Tuhan akan beri rezeki kepada orang yang rajin berusaha.

3)
Some people are so inconsiderate and make other people's lives miserable. Like my boss, who wanted me to transfer to another place and gave me only a 5-day notice.

I tried to reason with him, but he said my excuses were unacceptable.

(My car is in the workshop, I don't have a place to stay, and I haven't completed the papers required yet)

My husband, on the other hand, wants me to comply, in order to avoid unnecessary consequences in the future.

Him: Apa yang susah sangat. You ikut je.
Me: No! Benda ini tak adil!
Him: Dunia ni memang tak adil, sayang.
Me: This is not about me following orders. This is about my boss being stupid. He thinks just because he's in that position, he can play me around like a puppet. Habis tu, I kena turut je cakap dia walaupun it's ridiculous? Kenapa kita mesti biarkan orang-orang macam ni!
Him: Sayang, kadang-kadang, dalam dunia ni, kita tak boleh selalunya menang. Ada masa, kita kena kalah juga. Think about the future and what he can do to you.
Me: I bukannya nak menang. Tapi benda ni salah!
Him: I know. Tapi kita tak ada kuasa.

Sigh.

I am so upset because this thing has caused a huge stress on me.

I redha je. Kalau lepas ni, dia nak mark I, then do nasty things to me, well, I hope he dies soon.

Perjalanan hidup kita ni dah ditentukan.
But we can still pray.
And Allah always answer a prayer:
- Yes
- Not now
- I have better things for you

One day, my boss will taste his own medicine. Barulah dia tahu apa perasaan orang-orang yang dianiaya.

Amin.

4)
Friend: Sekarang ni ramai orang pakai colour-colour macam ni kan.
Me: It's called 'Colour blocking'.
Friend: 'Colour blocking'? Apa benda yang dia nak block?
Me: Hahaha...'Blocking' as in one block, two blocks...Bukannya blocking from something lah!

5)
Jikalau...If I earn RM3000 per month, how am I supposed to spend my money monthly?

Katakanlah...

Car- 500
House- 1000
Tabung Haji- 100
ASB- 100
Banking- 100
Parents- 300
Phone- 50
Electricity, water, petrol- 200
Everyday expenditure- 650

Wow, dapat simpan dalam bank RM100 je per month! That's like, less than 10% of the salary la weih!
But actually, not bad. People can still survive!
In theory memang cukup, tapi practically kenapa tak cukup pulak eh?

And what about those who has children to feed? OMG!

6)
I was having lunch at a restaurant. There, I was introduced to an Ustadz, I think he's from Kedah, and I like the way he gives his speech.

So effortless and interesting. My friend said, sometimes, he sings too!

The preach I was listening to was: Something about how we should enjoy our life and not to love this temporary world too much.

Dia cakap kena nikmati hidup, barulah kita rasa kita ni kaya.

Which, I think, is true.

"Kalau tak ada anak, kena enjoy tak ada anak. Ingat ada anak tu senang ke? Nanti anak lelaki ikut perempuan. Pening kepala mak bapak. Zaman sekarang ni, anak perempuan pun ikut perempuan! Tak payah nak jealous, tak payah nak risau, kenapa aku tak ada. Apa yang Tuhan kurniakan tu, adalah satu nikmat, dan enjoylah nikmat yang Tuhan bagi tu selagi boleh."

"Korang kata tak suka datang masjid, sebab kasut selalu hilang. Sayang sangat dekat kasut tu buat apa? Tak payah beli kasut. Datang masjid berkaki ayam. Nescaya tak ada kasut yang hilang. Kalau sayang sangat kasut, siap beli beg, beli mangga, beli macam-macam nak jaga kasut tu. Tak ke membazir? Kasut tu sekejap je. Tak boleh bawa pergi mati pun..."

"Kalau motor hilang, jangan sedih sangat. Sebab itu tandanya kita nak dapat pengganti yang lebih bagus dari yang hilang tu. Kalau motor kita tu buruk, tapi kita sayang sangat nak jual. Bila dah hilang, kita ada alasan nak beli yang baru. Kan nikmat tu! Dapat motor baru, enjin bagus. Allah gantikan dengan sesuatu yang lebih baik."

I don't know what's his name though.

7)
I realized that different states produce different marriage certificate.

Terengganu, for example, prints the husband and wife photos on the cert.

Mine, no photos, but a valuable detail was included, which I very much cherish

Perkahwinan: Pertama
Isteri: Pertama

Me: Abang! Tengok ni, dia ada tulis, "Perkahwinan pertama, Isteri pertama." Nasib baik! Kalau I tengok I ni bukan pertama, siaplah you!
Him: Tak percaya ke abang belum pernah kahwin sebelum ni?
Me: Mana tau, you tipu I ke...Patutlah orang Pantai Timur banyak kahwin banyak eh...Dekat sijil diorang takde tulis pun benda-benda macam ni...

8)
On first of Syawal, my husband refused to have sex with me.

Penat-penat puasa lama-lama, tiba-tiba he said no. Dengan alasan,

"Abang ada terbaca dalam satu buku ni, kalau anak tu terjadi masa hari pertama Syawal, tak bagus..."

Buku mana pulak dia baca ni!

Is there really such thing?

9)
Last but not least.

My cousin is getting married to a Muallaf.

She's so lucky because her Tok Kadi is so damn cool!

"Tak apa. Awak nikah dulu. Yang surat-surat, kursus kahwin tu semua buat nanti."

Oh, my God, I love you, Tok Kadi. I wish I had you during my nikah ceremony! Bless you forever!

2011-09-17T01:43:00.002+08:00

The weekend is meaningless if it's without fun plans, or without my husband.

(Long sigh.)

I still haven't gone for my honeymoon. Some overly romantic people would say, "We don't need honeymoon, because we are on our honeymoon right now, 127 days and counting," and end the sentence with a smooch.

Well, truthfully, I don't consider living with my husband as a honeymoon. I want a luxurious one, one that makes me feel like a princess in love. Right now, we are having our ups and downs. And I want to feel how is it like to sleep in a room that costs RM1300 per night!

(Stomp feet like a brat)

I really don't understand some people. They have the same profession like me, but somehow they can afford all the nice things in life. Where have I gone wrong?! I nak makan luar mahal-mahal pun rasa guilty and berkira tau. I am so green in envy!

My husband says, "Sebab you pakai duit sendiri masa kahwin hari tu..."

Aik? Takkan orang lain tak keluar duit kot...

Tak apalah, rezeki masing-masing...

Okay, lets reminiscence the days before I got married. Compared to me, my husband (then boyfriend) had more fun shopping for the hantarans.

Whenever he bought something, he'd get discounts and free gifts. Then, he would gloat to my face, complimenting his bargaining skills.

One incident took place in this shop, where I was buying for his hantaran. He tried on the pants and admired himself. The salesperson was a cute boy. I was quiet all the time because I don't do small talks with strangers. Then, the salesboy asked me, "You tak suka apa-apa ke? Taknak beli?" I said, no thanks.

Then, it was time to pay. We were lucky because the item was on sale and the salesboy threw a Seven For All Mankind t-shirt for free.

Boy: Ni adik abang ke? (Referring to me) Adik taknak beli apa-apa?

So, he thought I was my husband's sister! And the salesboy was hitting on me! Is that why he was being so nice and all?

My husband left the shop feeling very offended, "I beli barang mahal-mahal, and dia ingat you ni adik I! Dia tak tahu ke you ni tunang I hah!"

HAHAHAHAHA, serve you right!

Off-topic.

Anyway, what I was trying to remind myself is: The buying for hantarans experience has taught me that, I don't really enjoy buying expensive stuffs. I am more into liking the feeling of being able to afford for expensive things. Different.

Like, "Hey, I actually have the money to buy that, that and that. I don't buy them just because I don't like the way they are priced! Thousands of bucks for this? You've got to be kidding me!"

Although, my husband still bought me a designer handbag for one of my wedding gifts.

Being practical, I actually suggested for cheaper brands. But my husband got all upset which confused me. In the mall, we were fighting,

Me: Beli je lah handbag XYZ tu. Cantik jugak...Murah pulak tu.
Him: Kenapa pulak? I kan dah janji nak beli handbag ABC untuk you.
Me: Tapi handbag ABC tu mahallah!
Him: I ada duit nak beli untuk you!
Me: Kenapa dengan you ni? Kalau laki lain mesti dah bersyukur sebab dapat girlfriend yang memahami macam I.
Him: I bukan macam lelaki lain. I dah janji kan nak belikan handbag ABC untuk you. Kenapa sekarang you taknak pulak?
Me: Sebab I taknak membebankan you lah! Kalau orang lain, mesti gembira sebab I minta handbag murah. Duit lebih tu boleh guna untuk benda lain.

Him: Masalahnya, I dah simpan duit sebab nak belikan handbag ABC untuk you. I tau you nak sangat handbag tu dulu. I bukan macam lelaki lain. I nak you happy. Masa I kumpul duit ni, I happy sangat sebab akhirnya, dapat belikan untuk you. Sekarang you taknak pulak. I frust lah. Habis, I kumpul duit ni untuk apa? Untuk beli handbag yang you tak suka?

I went, "Awww..." upon hearing his explaination.

Me: I suka jugaklah handbag XYZ tu...

Him: I nak you beli ABC jugak! Baru I puas hati duit yang I kumpul selama ni, dapat guna untuk beli handbag yang you suka!

My heart melted.

(Okay, I feel like hugging my husband now. Haha)

I don't think I am good-looking.
I don't think my husband is good-looking.
I don't think my husband has the best taste in women.

I mean, whenever I see a pretty lady in the magazine, I would ask him, "Cantik kan dia ni?"
He would disagree and point to another lady.
Then I would think, "Euwww...Perempuan macam ni you kata cantik? Dia ni buruklah!"

And the things I say would reflect back on me. Because, basically, I am saying, if he thinks I am pretty, I must be one ugly girl in my eyes...

Him: Sayang, tadi I jumpa seorang pakcik ni. Dia panggil I dari jauh. I pun datanglah. Ingatkan dia nak bagi projek ke...Tengok-tengok dia tanya pasal you.
Me: Ha? Dia tanya apa?
Him: Dia cakap, isteri abang ni cantik, body lawa. Dekat mana jumpa? Gatal betul orang tua tu!
Me: Dia pernah nampak I ke?
Him: Dia ada datang masa kenduri hari tu...

The only perk of this is his taste is similar with his friends'. Is it because they come from the same place that their idea of beauty is so off?

I mean, come on, if I was really that beautiful, wouldn't I be chased by many men? Wouldn't I have only girl friends because every guy friend I have would have fall in love with me and make things complicated? Wouldn't I be approached by modelling agencies? Wouldn't I be showered with gifts by rich guys? Wouldn't I be stalked?

Oh, I know why. Because they are all older than me. And old men automatically thinks the younger you are, the prettier. (No wonder people mistakenly think I am my husband's sister)

Oh, well, bersyukur je lah dapat husband who thinks I am all that. Love is blind...

kifayah

2011-09-14T23:26:00.003+08:00

I have been separated from my old colleagues since joining the new department. Some of us are leaving to other states. Last Monday was kinda like a get-together thing before the day comes.

I was in my jeans when I received a call from my friend, Gina.
"Peter is on his way to pick you up. What? You are wearing jeans? You are supposed to dress up, dear. Go change into a dress, now!"

Ade dress code pulak dah...

Anyway, glad to find out that most of them quit drinking!

After a few months of being busy with our own work, we finally had the chance to catch up with one another.

The waitress arrived with our food. You know, a good restaurant is supposed to know what you ordered and put the correct food accordingly, not by asking the whole table, "Caesar salad?" and you have to raise your hand like you are a kid in a classroom.

Exactly what happened that night. The waitress didn't know whose food was that. Then, when my friend confirmed that it's hers, she tried to serve my friend from across the table (of eight people!), like, so freaking idiotic, it's so dangerous, the big, hot plate can fall on our heads.

My friend, Cynthia, snapped, "Oh, my God, she's never been trained to be a proper waitress, is it? How can you serve food like that!"

We were shocked to hear her comment. Firstly, it was nothing subtle about it, I am sure the waitress could hear it. Secondly, she was never the mean type, in fact, she's probably the most innocent and kindest among us.

I looked at my friend and giggled about it. Peter said, "That's how she is in the department, being a boss now. So, don't you mess with her!"

Waaahhh, number one.

We had a good time. We also surprised Peter and Cynthia with a birthday cake.

Then, it was time to say goodbye. We asked for the bill but it took more than 10 minutes when they were only four tables left in the restaurant.

Gina lost her patience after two requests for the bill (that took forever) and one of the waiters came by our table to announce that the kitchen was closing so, "Any last order?" he asked.

Gina snapped at him, "We are actually waiting for our bill. Why is it taking so long? You wanna give us a free dinner, is it?" and gave him her best poker-face look.

Waaahhh, number two.

Sejak naik pangkat ni, semua orang dah change a bit. Meaner and bossier.

I wish I can lead people. I need to. But, I am too soft. I give face all the time. I cannot raise my voice to express my anger or disappointment. Dengan my husband je boleh, hehe. And I still go back later than my juniors. I am still being bullied!

I want to change this personality. How to naik pangkat lagi dan lagi kalau orang asyik pijak kepala kita je kan?

Actually, I don't like this department that I am currently being in charge of.

The only secret reason I came, is because I am the only Muslim with the position in that department. Macam kesian la pulak tengok department tu kena conquer dengan non-Muslims when I am actually in a Muslim country.

I repeatedly told myself that it's my duty as a Muslim, to fulfill the Fardhu Kifayah.

Sometimes, I wonder, don't other people realize that they carry a responsibility to represent Muslims in areas where Muslims are scarce, especially where no other Muslim is involved?

I have been waiting for more Muslims to enter the department, but so far, all of them requested to transfer to other department because they are not interested. Eh, I pun tak interested, tapi ku korbankan juga sebab tu kan tanggungjawab Fardhu Kifayah? Korang kan lagi alim, ilmu agama tinggi-tinggi, pakai tudung, takkan tak perasan peliknya takde Muslim dekat situ? Semua nak berkumpul ikut gang-gang je ye...

This situation reminds me of my college days. For the second half of the study year, most students dropped some subjects, in order to concentrate more in certain subjects so to obtain good marks in the final exam.

Although half of the class was made up by Muslims, only three Muslims, me included, decided to continue that one or two particular subjects that the rest of them thought were so burdening to them.

Damn sad...

Tak tahu lah memang pemalas ke, opportunists ke, kaki mengelak ke, peer pressure ke, or memang bengap tak dapat carry subjects banyak-banyak (padahal bukan banyak sangat pun) sedangkan orang lain boleh je buat...

This kind of mentality should change.

Kita orang Islam, ada Fardhu Ain, ada Fardhu Kifayah. Dua-dua pun wajib kena buat.

Patutnya, kena ceburkan diri dengan bidang yang tak ramai orang Islam. Bukannya cakap, "Eh, tanaklah pergi sana. Semua Mat Salleh je. Susah nanti."

God, please help me.

I preach to you all, to be brave and adventurous. Jangan jadi katak di bawah tempurung.

2011-09-11T18:04:00.002+08:00

I have a friend, lets call her Kate. We are close, but there's always a barrier between us that cannot be broken. She built it and she guards it.

Kate is a person who has many groups of friends, but unlike me, she keeps them separated. I still remember how I used to get hurt because she liked to leave me behind when she had plans with her other friends. The thing is, I had nobody else at that time, so sometimes, I felt lonely when she did this. I told myself that I cannot become her bestfriend, because a bestfriend won't treat you like this. (Besides, I don't believe in having a bestfriend, I don't like to rate my friends and label who's best or second best, it's childish.)

Now that we are back on our motherland, I don't mind her doing it at all. I am not lonely anymore, yeay!

We are still keeping in touch and I mostly know what she has been up to. But a recent event made her keep a distant from the rest of us. You see, Kate is now seeing someone who doesn't like it when she tells too much. And we respect that.

One of Kate's sibling got married. Our friend, Jack, questioned why we weren't invited. When Jack's brother got married, he invited us to come, when Ivy's sister got married, we attended the wedding. It's what friends do. Jack thinks it's odd.

Since I was the 'closest' to Kate, they came to me to ask, but I wasn't invited either.

Serena: Do you think she forgot to invite us?
Me: She must have a reason not to invite. Oh, you know Kate. She always has secrets and all...
Serena: Yeah, I know. She and her secrets.
Me: Did you see the wedding photos?
Serena: I did.
Me: Did you see anything different?
Serena: Like what?
Me: Do you know how we always suspect that she has more family members than she told us? It's confirmed. Maybe that's why she didn't let us come. She doesn't want us to know.

Why did we have that kind of suspicion? It's like a jigsaw puzzle, to have to put all pieces together to see the bigger picture.

1)
Our friend, Fatin, who was like a sister to Kate, always complained that she couldn't view Kate's photos in Facebook. Fatin lives abroad, so, it was important for her that she was being updated regarding our activities because she wouldn't want to be left behind.

Kate told me, the reason she keeps them private is because her aunts and uncles are on Facebook too. Sometimes, her friends tag inappropriate pictures of her, so she doesn't want the elderly to see them.

The two of them are no longer talking to each other, but that's a different story altogether.

Now, that I've seen her brother's wedding photos, via her sister's Facebook page, (because I can't view photos on her page, remember) I begin to understand.

Their cousin, tagged Kate and her siblings, and also, some other boys and girls who happen to have similar names and their father has the same name, too, all wearing the same colour baju kurung and baju melayu.

That's the downside of naming your children Nurul Atikah, Nurul Afikah, Nurul Asyafikah, Nurul Athirah, Mohd Ikmal, Mohd Iqbal, Mohd Irfan, Mohd Ifran etc.

2)
When I first met Kate, I thought she was just like me, coming from an average family.

Me: I think the government should give scholarships to deserving students. Sometimes, even though the kid is smart, gotten all As and everything, but if his or her family could afford it, why would they be given a scholarship? Better give it to someone who is smart AND poor, so the kid can improve his or her life, right? I really hate those who use their family connections just to get a scholarship when it's so clear that they don't even need it.

Kate: No, I don't think so. As long as that person is smart, he or she should be granted with a scholarship.

Me: But that's unfair. The government couldn't give scholarships to just everyone. Besides, rich people always have the advantages to be better than the poor students in term of studies. They can go to tuitions and they don't have to walk to go to schools, they study in schools where the good teachers are...

A few weeks after we landed in the foreign country, I found out her father transferred a 5-figure number worth of RM into her bank account, reserved only for travels, leisures and emergencies.

No wonder she was so offended.

Kate: We have to make sure my sister get a scholarship.
Me: Why? Your father can afford it even if she didn't get it.
Kate: Ectopy, I come from a big family. Even though my father is rich, tapi I banyak adik beradik.
Me: What do you mean? He only has 6 children! (And he still gives you guys thousands of ringgit per person, per month!)

3)
Kate always tells us that she has 2 sisters and 3 brothers.

Sometimes, there will be extra people in the house. Who are they? The answers would always be different.

Sometimes, it would be, "These are my cousins."

Some other times,
"This is my Adik." Eh, but I thought you said you have 3 brothers?
"Memanglah." So, who is this?
"My Adik." Wait, your brothers are Ikmal, Iqbal and Irfan, right? So, who is this again? How many brothers do you have?
"...(change topic)..." Wait, I am still confused!
^
^
^
Some people just don't know when to stop. (Slaps forehead)
Kate was obviously uncomfortable, but my blur friend just had to demand for an explanation.

One time, was even funnier.

Haliza: Hello, little boy, who are you?
Boy: I am Boy, Kate's brother.
Haliza: Oh.

Haliza: Kate, I didn't know you have another brother.
Kate: No, he's not. He's my cousin.
Haliza: But, why is he saying he's your brother then?
Kate: I don't know. But he's not my brother. (Nervous laugh)
Haliza: Okay...

---------

I think Kate secretly knows that I know her secret and she must be very glad because I give her privacy. Come on, pandai-pandailah, kita pun dah besar, she will talk about when she is ready. If she doesn't want to tell, why ask further?

Maybe that's why I am the closest to her. I understand without her having to tell.

---------

Kate ni pun satu hal jugak.

She comes from a very tight family. She gets along very well with her step-siblings.

I mean, I see the 'cousins', 'adik angkat' and 'extra sisters and brothers' all the time in her house.

But why does she have to hide this kind of things? Is it still a taboo in our society?

It's not uncommon nowadays, and there's nothing to be ashamed of.

My other friends talk very openly about their fathers second and third wives, how they prefer one over the other, or how they hate their stepmom but loves their step siblings...

I think it will be less burdening for Kate if she just admits. The thing is, it's difficult to admit when you've been dodging the issue for very long.

---------

In the August issue of majalah Perempuan, or was it Wanita (?), there are two articles about poligamy.

It's amazing how I can loathe one family, and love the other one, even though both family practice polygamy.

The one that I hate is an Ustadz who married 4 women, each staying in a different state, one even lives in Australia. Apa dia ingat perempuan perempuan ni hotel? Tempat persinggahan? How can you be fair when your wives are so far from you at a time. How can you keep track of your children? So, you leave your wives to manage everything on their own lah! There's not even tolong menolong sesama madu concept in this marriage!

Lepas tu nak berbangga dalam majalah pulak. Please lah!

The one who lives in Australia, quoted, "Rasa seronok sangat sebab dapat bersama abang beraya ke rumah-rumah madu saya, pusing-pusing satu Malaysia." You are so immature!

Barf!

The other one is about an Ustadz with 3 wives. He married the first wife because her father approached him to take care of his daughter, he agreed. Then, he married the second and third wives because the first wife suggested it to him, even tolong meminang them for him.

And...The second and third wives are janda, people who were wrongly treated during their first marriages. And both of them are medical doctors.

Now, this sounds much better, right!

My cousin came to Mother's house for a Raya visit.

Cousin: Oh, my God!
Me: Why?
Cousin: This woman, she approached my friend to marry her husband.
Me: Why?!
Cousin: She wants the Golden Umbrella.
Me: The what?!
Cousin: She wants the Payung Emas God promises to give in Heaven, if you live peacefully with your husband and his other wives.
Me: Oh. Why she didn't approach you then?
Cousin: Because, I am not good enough for her husband. Dia nak orang-orang tudung labuh je...

Hehehe...

2011-09-09T01:22:00.002+08:00

I actually want to write a decent post but I was caught up reading a blog from A to Z, and it's already too late!

Anyway, just a quick one.

As you know, I had an accident a few weeks ago. Also, my car was smashed and I was nearly robbed one year ago.

Because of this unfortunate events, I've had people suggesting to me to sell the car and buy a new one.

I refuse.

First reason is, this is my first car and I don't use it that often. The mileage is minimal so, it'll be my loss if I were to sell the car.

Secondly, it is the last thing that Father helped me to purchase before he passed away. I remember how we had to wait for a few months just because he wanted me to have the family's plate number. He also witnessed the night the robbers terrorized me. (Sometimes, I wish he would just shoot them bastards.)

Basically, the car really means a lot to me. I don't care if it will end up as my 'kereta pergi pasar', as long as it's there. We could always buy a new one, right?

Besides, I don't believe in luck, especially bad ones.

I notice a similar thing between the two incidents. I was wearing baju kurung!

I don't consider myself as someone who wears baju kurung rarely, but one of my bosses once pointed out to me.

Boss: Eh, hi. This is the first time I see you in baju kurung.
Me: (Shocked) Really? I've worn it before! (Defensive)

The first time, when the two guys hit me, I was so shaken that I went to sleep sobbing. You know, that's the time when you start to think the worst thing that could have happened. Not only traumatized, I was also beating myself up because supposedly, the first thing that should have come to my mind, was the Shahadah.

During the recent incident, I am glad that I remembered God. Although not immediately, but that's an improvement from the last time. If I were to die, at least I won't regret my last words.

I've had two near-deaths experiences but I am still tudungless. Insaflah, Ectopy!!!

Last but not least, regarding me forcing my husband to eat...Hehe. I guess, it's not so much of me wanting to punish him, but more of him following my orders.

No.

It's actually the fact that he listened to me and did not reciprocate my anger that made me forgive him. Can you imagine if he started to scold me back?

The argument would have been definitely extended and uglier.

So, to guys out there, now you know what we, women, want.
Sometimes, it's nice if you make us feel like a Goddess once in a while.
It works for me!

2011-09-04T19:13:00.001+08:00

1)
At my parents' house, I browsed through an old highschool album.

For the first time in my life, I think I was not a bad looking girl. Cute jugak ape...

Stupid boys...How can they not fall for this face, huh!

2)
Me: Abang, cantik tak Rozita Che Wan ni?
Husband: Oh...Ni lah Rozita Che Wan...Ni anak Chef Wan tu eh?
Me: (Slaps forehead)

3)
Me: Okay, nak tengok Final Destination 5 ke, Conan the Barbarian ke, The Smurfs?
Friend: Tak nak tengok The Smurfs!
Husband: Kita tengok Conan the Barbarian lah...
Me: Final Destination lah best!
Husband: Final Destination yang first je yang best...Cerita pasal Lailatul Qadar.
Me: Cerita pasal Qada' dan Qadar lah!!!

4)
Me: Kalau you tak sampai esok, siap you! I mengamuk!
Husband: Mana boleh mengamuk! Syurga you di bawah tapak kaki I!
Me: Oh...Syurga I di bawah tapak kaki you...Syurga you tu dekat bawah sini juga...
Husband: Memang pun...Bawah tu syurga dunia I...(Evil laugh)

My husband always regards my pussy as his heaven.
:D

5)
I met an old friend because he came back for a short Raya holiday.

Me: So, who have you met today? Or, who else are you planning to meet today?
Friend: I have met Rina. We had coffee in KL Sentral.
Me: Then, where is she?
Friend: She had to go somewhere.

Rina is our mutual friend whose profession is the same like mine.

Friend: So, how's work?
Me: Okay lah...Not too bad.
Friend: Rina complained a lot.
Me: About her clients?
Friend: No. Generally. She complains about the system and macam-macam lah.
Me: I see...

At that point, it hits me: There's nothing sexy about complaining.

I am meeting an old friend and I definitely don't want him to remember me as someone who likes to complain.

Let this be a reminder for me.

6)
Last Friday, my husband went for his Solat Jumaat and came home really late.

I called and called but he did not pick up his phone.

Finally, at 2.45pm, he came home and I was so angry at that time, ready to throw tantrums.

He was oblivious about my anger, so he didn't expect my fierceness.

Me: You pergi mana!
Husband: Pergi sembahyang lah.
Me: Kenapa tak angkat phone!
Husband: Oh, sorry, sorry, tak dengar.
Me: You pergi mana?
Husband: Abang makan tadi.

Me: Makan! You makan! Habis you tak fikir isteri you tak makan!
Husband: Abang lapar tadi. Kawan ajak makan.
Me: Habis I tunggu you lama-lama buat apa!
Husband: Okay, cepat, abang teman you makan.
Me: I tak nak you teman I makan, I nak you makan sekali lah!

Me: Apasal tak boleh nak SMS cakap you balik lambat! Apa guna handphone tu kalau tak guna! Apa guna you bawa kalau you silent kan handphone tu!
Husband: Sembahyang tadi kena silent.
Me: Masa makan tadi tak ingat I langsung! I tak kira, I nak you makan dengan I!

Husband: Ha, okaylah...Cepat, ambil pinggan tu.
Me: I nak you hidangkan untuk I.
Husband: Okay, dah.
Me: You nak makan sangat kan tadi? Lapar sangat kan tadi? I nak you habiskan nasi atas pinggan you tu. I tak kisah!
Husband: Tapi ni banyak sangat ni. I dah kenyang.
Me: I tak kisah. Siapa suruh you pergi makan tak beritahu I!

Husband: I kenyang ni...
Me: Kalau you tak makan, I tak nak makan!

Husband: Okay, I makan ni...

And that's how a controlling wife punish her husband- feed him sampai meletup perut.

Garang gila nak mampus I ni!

2011-08-23T20:58:00.001+08:00

You know, during the recent ordeal, someone recognized me. Well, not me, but Father. He read out my name and instantly guessed who my daddy was.

I did not know him though. A lot of people knew Father but I am just his daughter, I don't know his acquaintances except for a few.

"Arwah baru meninggal dunia masa baru lepas balik Haji kan? Saya tak sempat nak datang melawat masa tu..." he said.

I mestilah rasa sebak masa tu. Teringat-ingat what could have happened if Father was still alive.

You know, the saying 'Harimau mati meninggalkan belang, manusia mati meninggalkan nama'?

Even though after he passed away, there are people who still remember him by name. He must have done something great in his life, eh?

And here I am, so far, have done nothing really significant. What will people remember me by after I am gone? What great things I should do, or maybe, I could do? Will they even remember me?

I am beginning to think that I will probably never reach the high standard that Father has set for his children. It's depressing to think that has Father ever be proud of me?

Biarlah if he has never been proud of me, but I hope he knows I am proud of him. I wish our relationship was better and I could tell him that I really love him. I hope he knows that he has done a great job raising us. Any fault that I do, is because of my rebellious and stubborn nature, and has nothing to do with him.

2011-08-20T12:35:00.002+08:00

I texted my friend, Jay*, for my money back. He said he totally forgot about it!

I told Eric* about this.

Eric: Dia lupa sebab dah lama sangat kot! Setahun lebih dah!

----------

Friday can be a good day or a bad day.

A good day if you get to enjoy the long break. But a bad day if you need to do something, but everyone closes too early and opens too late in the afternoon!

This recent Friday was a good one turned bad for me.

----------

"Abang, I accident!" I told my husband over the phone.

What happened was, I was stuck in a traffic jam. One motorcyclist was probably in a hurry. He lost his balance and his motorcycle fell on my car. I asked him, "Okay ke bang?"

But he sped off, leaving his gloves behind. I continued driving. At my destination, I inspected my car but nothing was scratched. What was he scared of then?

----------

My husband had paid for two seats for us for Iftar with the orphans at De Palma Hotel, Ampang.

It was a last minute thing, so he told me, "Sayang pakai baju kurung tau! And tolong bawakan Abang punya kasut GA and shirt biru G2000. Abang jumpa sayang dekat sana je."

I went home and applied on a quick and simple make-up. I began my journey. I drove my usual speed, but was frustrated with the long queue for the toll. To kill time, I roughly calculated the amount needed for this Hari Raya. I now have an extended family that expect duit raya from me!

Suddenly, I realized there was something lying on the road. I didn't have the time to avoid it.

A loud thump and airbags covered my view. I decelerate and finally came to a stationery. Luckily I didn't hit anything else while I was temporarily blind.

My car was honking non-stop.

I felt tight at the chest. I released my seatbelt and took a breath or two. I thought the glasses were smashed but they were all intact. I began deflating the airbags. Then, I realized smoke was coming out from the dashboard, it was probably dangerous. However, I couldn't open the driver's door, so I came out through the passenger's side.

I took a peek outside and saw nothing really damaging.

"Abang, I accident," I told my husband, for the second time in one day!

Him: Accident apa?
Me: Tak tahulah. Tapi airbags semua keluar ni. Boleh tak datang?

Then only I sensed panic in his voice.

"Airbag semua keluar? Dekat mana? Nanti abang datang. You langgar apa tu? You bawa laju!" he scolded me.

After we hung up, I knew my husband would be arriving late, judging by the traffic in KL. I didn't want to call my family because I did not want to interrupt their buka puasa. Besides, I did not need their nags.

So, I called my friend, Eric*.

Me: You dekat mana?
Eric: Dekat my apartment.
Me: Kerja ke hari ni?
Eric: Taklah...Ahad nanti baru kerja.
Me: Boleh tak datang ambil I? I accident lah...

I told him the shorter version of the story and waited in the car. The smoke was still coming out. Then only I realized I had not switched off my car engine.

Surprisingly, nobody came to my aid! Not a single soul.

After 10 minutes or so, a Ronda jeep came to check me out. My car was in auto lock. They put the orange cones and opened the hood of my car. The battery circuit was intentionally disconnected so the honking would stop.

"Akak pergi ambil gambar lori belakang tu. Akak langgar barang dia! Nanti akak boleh claim insurans."

I followed his instructions.

"Teruk ke kereta saya?" I asked.

"Minyak hitam pecah, kak. Sampai keluar airbags, ye kak, teruk ni," he said.

----------

In between my wait, I received more calls from my husband. He scolded me again and again while asking me to call the towing service.

Him: Kereta boleh start tak?
Me: I tak berani lah. Ada keluar asap-asap ni. I tak tahu asap ni dari enjin ke, or it's normal if the airbags come out.
Him: You ni...I tau, you tu bawa laju! I dah suruh bawa slow-slow kan!
Me: You nak pergi buka puasa, pergilah. I dah call Eric. He can pick me up. I tahu you ada kerja. Tak payah datanglah.
Him: I dah on the way ni. You tunggu situ!

More suprisingly, I was super calm during the ordeal. I did not shed a tear, I was not in anger, I was numb, I guess.

I was smiling when the Peronda arrived, still smiling when meeting the lorry driver.

But, but, ada ke patut, dah nampak aku langgar barang dia, sikit pun tak ada nak datang tolong aku!

----------

Towing guy: Boleh tunggu ke?
Me: Lama ke?
Towing guy: Dalam 40 minit macam tu.
Me: Hhmmm, okay lah, nak buat macam mana.
Towing guy: Awak ramai-ramai kan?
Me: Tak lah. Seorang saja.
Towing guy: Kalau macam tu, awak duduk dalam kereta, kunci pintu.

A few minutes later, he called again.

Towing guy: Awak Muslim kan?
Me: Ha? Siapa ni? Awak nak cakap dengan siapa? Tak ada orang nama Muslim dekat sini.
Towing guy: Tak, tak. Awak puasa kan? Orang Islam kan?
Me: Ya, saya puasa.
Towing guy: Awak nak saya belikan apa-apa?
Me: Beli roti je lah.

----------

Eric arrived.

He helped me transfer my things into his car.

While we waited for the Azan, I told him that I felt really guilty.

Me: Husband I dah marah I dah tadi.
Eric: I am sure he didn't mean it. Yang penting, you selamat. In fact, he will feel very guilty for scolding you in the first place. It's not even your fault. Things happened.
Me: Mesti Husband tengah lapar. Dia memang cepat marah kalau lapar.
Eric: Yang penting, you dah selamat...
Me: I baru ingat nak save duit. I baru minta hutang tadi. Dahlah bulan ni banyak pakai duit.
Eric: Itulah pasal...I rasa, kalau nak repair ni, mesti mahal. Harap-harap enjin you tak rosak. Kalau kena tukar enjin...Dahlah enjin baru pula tu.

----------

The towing guy and my husband arrived roughly at the same time.

"Ni nak ganti airbags lagi. Stereng pecah ni. Macam mana you bawa kereta?" my husband scolded me in his car, on the way to the police station.

"Yang you nak marah-marah ni, kenapa?" I finally started to cry.

Husband: I bukan marah, I nak suruh you beringat. You bawa laju, tu pasal tak sempat nak elak!
Me: Patutnya, you bersyukur tengok I selamat!
Husband: I dah call you tadi kan, you cakap you okay!

----------

Husband: Janganlah nangis. You ni, suka nangis lah.

Me: Bila masa pula I suka nangis? Baru sekarang ni I nak nangislah! You tu, sibuk tanya pasal kereta. Langsung tak ada tanya pasal I. Biarlah kereta tu. Duit I juga kan? You nak marah-marah I buat apa? Dahlah mak I marah I, suami sendiri pun nak marah I ke? Mak I cakap next year mesti insurans mahal. Semua orang fikir pasal mahal. Why can't you just be supportive?

Why can't you see that things can get a lot worse? You marah-marah I cakap I bawa laju. Cuba you fikir, kalau I elak, terkena tayar I, mesti kereta I terbalik. You pun nampak benda tu besar, kan? I boleh mati, you tahu tak?

Biarlah I nangis. I had an accident, tak boleh nak nangis? Orang lain, kalau nampak isteri selamat, terus rasa lega. You tu, langsung tak sentuh I pun. I dah beritahu you tak payah datang, kan? You ada kerja, pergilah buat kerja tu. I boleh settle semuanya sendiri.

Kalau benda macam ni jadi pada you, I would never scold you.

You cakap, I selalu accident? You tu selalu kena tipu, ada I bising? I am always supportive for you!

You ingat you seorang je lapar. Habis tu, I tak lapar? I kerja tak penat?

Husband: Sudahlah...Jom, makan.

Me: I tak nak makan. You makanlah. I nak tunggu dalam kereta.

Husband: Jomlah. Kena kiss dulu ke?

----------

That definitely gave my husband a piece of my mind.

Yelah, orang dah stress-stress, dia lagi nak tambah stress.

But afterwards, I still felt guilty. He was so hungry that he had a migraine. Then, when he ate, even his favourite food tasted bland. He also had a tummy ache and he was so tired that he barely could open his eyes.

I apologized to him for a number of times after that.

I bukan sengaja pun....

----------

I don't know how extensive the damage is. I don't know how long the car can be repaired. I don't know how long will it take for the insurance company to cover for my loss. I don't even know whether the insurance will pay for the damage!

Hari Raya yang sayu.

Kesian lah pulak kereta I tu.

When I was younger, I used to believed that things had feelings. The result for altruism, you know, when you keep putting yourself in others' shoes, even though the others are only things!

The feelings are not as bad since meeting my husband, because he was the one who taught me, things are things, they can always be replaced. (Although, he did the opposite that night, making me feel bad and all!)

But, as I left my car in Subang Jaya, my heart dropped. I could see my car's sad face, leaving it under the scorching sun for days, it must be thinking that I am leaving it for good. I could imagine it's sadness when undergoing a major surgery, probably multiple surgeries, all by itself. It has been a very long time since I last felt anything for an inanimate.

Sorry, car. I will be missing you. Get well soon, okay?

You know, punyalah I jaga you bagai menatang minyak yang penuh, mileage pun setakat geli-geli hati je, sampai orang car service tu ingat I tak guna you, buat apalah nak servis you...

Tapi benda dah nak jadi, kan?

Car, I hope you understand. Be strong.

2011-08-15T23:01:00.002+08:00

1) Sometimes, I think it is probably better to live apart from your husband.
At least, whenever my period comes, I won't feel so sad as to why I am not pregnant yet.

If my husband is far, I can easily console myself that our situation is the cause for this fruitless attempt to get pregnant.

It has only been two periods, but I am impatient.

My husband is very indifferent about it. Ish. If I were pregnant, mesti dia buat tak tahu je!

2) I seriously think people who constantly update their gibberish Facebook status are lame. They are lame in real life, they are lame in the Cyberworld. I feel like they crave for the attention more than anything else. I like it better if they post interesting photos instead.

3) Speaking of photos, I want to have a vacation.

I have always been a traveller but my husband is not. Besides, work never leave him. Telefon tu asyik berbunyi je...

The funny thing is, I have never been on a holiday with him, so I wonder how it is like. Will it be as fun or will it be different?

Mine is always energetic and discover-y (?). With my husband, I think it would be more leisurely and perhaps, spending more time shopping, which, I don't really like.

It is scary. I am afraid of easily getting annoyed with him. I am more comfortable and happy if I go jalan-jalan with a person who is well-read, knows how to read the map, confident, and familiar with the transport system. (Hence, the travel partner)

My husband, on the other hand, only has been to a very limited number of interesting places, so I think, he has not found the joy going out and about.

4) For the people who actually know me personally, they are aware that I am a chatterbox. I remember details quite well. I tend to share stories, especially the one I like.

This one time, I was having buka puasa with two friends, one of whom I am very close with.

Chit chat chit chat, then before I knew it, my friend said, "You dah cerita! Tak payah cerita lagi!"

At first, I didn't mind. But, when I came home, cuddling with my sleeping husband, I recalled back what had happened and time tu baru terasa hati. When I think about it, it is quite embarassing to be cut off like that in the middle of the conversation, in front of his girlfriend pulak tu.

Delayed emotional onset. Hehe.

Then, mulalah nak rasa menyesal for accepting the invite to have dinner with them.
My friend has been asking me out, but since being married, it's impossible to hang out just the two of us. That night, I said Yes to him, thinking there will be other friends. But later on, I found it's going to be just us and his girlfriend, so, it's already too late for me to say decline the invite.

Takut dia terasa hati pulak...
Last-last, I pulak yang terasa hati.

Dahlah I am not very fond of his girlfriend. Kiranya, it was a courtesy jugaklah I went out with them, because I know everybody else has been avoiding. Too awkward. And he knows very well that I don't click with his girlfriend.

However...It is so unlike me to become sensitive over a small matter.

Last-last pujuk diri sendiri because at least I have a very loving husband by my side.

5) Back in my Uni days, I always listen to my friends' stories even though I've heard them before. Sometimes, I even pretended to be amused by them, as if I only found out about it.

One time, my friend, Jess, was telling me something. I nodded and listened and laughed along, until my other friend, Iva, broke the news, "Eh, kan I dah beritahu you pasal ni..."

Jess turned to me and scolded me for letting her go on and on about it. "Kenapa you tak cakap Iva dah beritahu you cerita ni!"

Well, I said, because you looked so excited when telling the story, so I don't want to kill your joy so abruptly. Besides, I continued, "I don't mind hearing it again."

I think it is only polite. Can you imagine, tengah semangat-semangat cerita, then suddenly, one person say, "Eh, tak payah ceritalah. I dah tahu ending dia..."

Unless the story teller is someone you dislike, I understand why you want to stun and hurt that person.

6) I am in need of a laptop, a smartphone and a digicam. Susahnya nak pilih. Because I go for good things that come in cheap price. Duh, mestilah susah.

Dulu, when Father was still alive, he was the one who chose and bought laptops for me. Easy peasy. I accept je...

Digicam pulak, I resorted to buying it via eBay. At that time, I didn't use Malaysian Ringgit, so I didn't really feel the amount of money being transacted online! The camera served me so well...

But since I balik Malaysia ni, it's quite scary, manalah tahu the purchased good tak sampai rumah or if I had to pay ridiculous shipping rate/ taxes.

I used to be against smartphones because I'd rather have separate things to do their proper designated job. Like, a camera is for taking pictures, a laptop is for surfing online, therefore, a phone is for calling and texting. Why would you jumble them all into one!

But, then again, my job requires a lot of references, which is very convenient if I could go online just a click away, or a device small enough to store all the information without carrying the actual weight of the books.

Now, I am torn between an iPhone (should I wait for iPhone 5?), a HTC, an Experia, I couldn't really tell the difference, but why is it so important for me to choose the correct one!

This can only be achieved if I had done some research, but goddamnit, why do I have to do an extensive research for a stupid phone, you think I don't have better things to do!

Nak pilih the best one satu hal, nak pilih harga pun satu hal, mahal sangat cekik darah, murah sangat barang ciplak, (why can't they all be standardised so I won't feel cheated!)

Lepas tu...

Ada beberapa orang hutang I, which amounted to RM10000!!! Bila korang nak pulangkan balik duit I ni...Takkan nak tunggu I jadi ceti kot...

Dahlah I pun tak ingat the exact cost they borrowed because I had faith in them. I really thought they will return my money cepat-cepat. Ni dah lebih setahun dah, I pun malu nak minta balik. (Eh, I pulak yang malu? Siapa yang patut malu ni?)

Seorang tu, dekat RM2000, buat tak tahu je...
Seorang tu, pinjam RM750, bayar ansurans dalam RM200 baru kot...
Seorang lagi tu, dalam RM300, and counting!
Seorang lagi tu, memang I ingat dia pinjam RM8600.

Masuk ASB lagi bagus.

I thought, when I whined about the amount I needed to use for my wedding, hint-hint lah suruh pulang duit. Tak ada jugak...

Tell me people, what is the best way, to ask for your money back?

2011-08-07T08:08:00.004+08:00

I've been meaning to update. Every time, I wrote halfway and stopped, there are so many drafts accumulated and saved! Blame my short attention spam brain. That is me. I am easily bored and always needs constant stimulation.

Last night, I had difficulty to fall asleep. So, to pass the time, I have decided on the topic I want to write today!

In respect of Ramadhan yang mulia, I'll pen down stories about the kind-hearted, good-willing people, sejuk mak bapak mengandungkan korang.

Okay, here goes.

The first story is about my friend. She comes from a very wealthy family but she's so humble at the same time. She always wore baju kurung during our college days, and she wore her tudung, but not the fancy kind.

I have always admired her flawless skin. She was quite plump back then, but I appreciated her soft features. I thought she was pretty if you actually took a long look at her.

If you don't know her, you wouldn't know how comfortable her life is.

She had her early education in a religious school and it really shows!

As you might have guessed, we are no longer that innocent girls. Sometimes, we wish we were still the same, how can we have changed so much...

According to her, when she was little, whenever her parents scolded her, she would cry and feel very guilty. She would pray to God to take her life away, so she would no longer hurt her parents' feelings. She used to feel that she was such a bad daughter that she didn't deserve to live.

Well, when I was little, I could be very rude to Mother! I even wished for a different set of parents whenever I was mad!

It makes me wonder. What was so bad that she ever did? I'm sure her parents don't know about her doa, but if they do, they would be the most grateful parents to have a child like her.

Nowadays, whenever they quarrel, she still prays, but mainly for the fight to be done and over with.

The recent Bersih rally.

My friend is working overseas and both she and her husband were not happy with the PSD scholars who also did a demonstration in the foreign land.

She put up her Facebook status displaying her opinion on this matter, and of course, it caused some stir.

Basically, she said those who joined are ungrateful brats and the scholarship that they received are better deserved for other people who actually stick behind the government. "Aren't you ashamed? You come here to study, using the government's money, but instead of studying, you show you disrespect to the Malaysian government."

Bla bla bla. Someone commented, "Mind you, there is no such word as the government money. It's actually duit rakyat."

"Haa...Betul. Duit rakyat. Aku pun bayar tax jugak. Jadi, aku haramkan duit aku tu untuk kegunaan budak-budak ni!"

And no more people commented after that.

The issue on halal haram is quite complicated.

I know this guy, who further his studies on a scholarship by some Yayasan Islam Negeri or something like that.

After one year of studying, he told me about his summer plans. To apply for a normal scholarship and discontinue the one he already had.

Why, I asked.

Apparently, he felt burdened. "Sebab duit yang saya buat belajar ni, duit orang derma, orang zakat..." he explained. Therefore, he was compelled to make full use of the money, meaning he had to study really hard and never to use the money for personal gain.

"Saya rasa saya tak berhak untuk guna duit ni untuk berjalan-jalan. Mungkin ada orang lain yang lebih layak untuk biasiswa ni."

I, on the other hand, never really thought about it that way.

He made me realize, the scholarship/ loan that we are granted with, merupakan satu amanah.

But did that refrain me from travelling? Hell, no.

Don't worry, I will pay everything back. I taknak hutang dibawa mati.

Therefore, as an extra to the amount of money I need to pay, as long as I live, I will try to contribute as much as I could to the rakyat. And that is to compensate any misuse of the money, whether intentionally or not while I was being funded.

Tolonglah halalkan makan minum I...

Selingan

2011-07-27T12:02:00.002+08:00

I am being transferred to a new department and was not happy about it.

"I suck in department X! Why can't send me to department Y!" I complained to my husband.
"Tu lah you, you tak suka department X, Tuhan bagi you department X. Lain kali, jangan cakap tak suka," my dear husband spoke.
"Tapi, kenapa Tuhan bagi benda yang kita tak suka?" I said, whining like a little girl.

His answer was,"Sebab Dia tu Tuhan, itu kerja Tuhan. Tak boleh bagi semua yang manusia minta, sebab nanti porak perandalah hidup."

Besides, God knows what's best for His beloved slaves. Terima je lah dengan hati yang ikhlas.

I watched channel 114, a religious movie, about a girl being brought up in a conservative Muslim family, but grew up smart and trying to change the community ways of thinking.
She encourages girls to read.

She wanted to open a library but her brother burnt all her books. Slowly, she collected books again, and asked for her brother's permission to turn one of the rooms into a library once more time.

Her brother looked at her basket full of books. Then, the girl said to him, "Abang, kalau abang bakar sekali lagi buku-buku ni, saya ikhlas."

Most people like to be adored. I, on the other hand, adore my husband very much. I especially like the deep, mature conversations with him and the way he teaches me things I don't know.

One evening, he took my car out for wheel re-allignment. He came back and did some cleaning for my car. He also examined the engine. I asked him a lot of questions about the car, and he patiently feed me with answers.
It is one of the little things that would remind you how intelligent and amazing your husband is.

"Baguslah you ni, pandai jaga barang," I said to him when seeing him was so into taking care of my car. "Tapi tak pandai jaga orang!" I playfully mocked him. And so, he grabbed by the waist and hugged me, "Siapa kata I tak pandai jaga orang?"

(Blush)

My friend gave a lingerie as my wedding gift. She asked whether I had officially worn it. "I dah pakai dah, tapi it didn't stay long!" I told her along with giggles.

When I arrived home, I informed my husband about what my friend and I had talked a while ago.

That night, I was sexy in my lingerie.

Him: Jom SMS kawan you, beritahu dia yang you tengah pakai hadiah dia tu...
Me: Eh, mana boleh, malulah!
Him: Tak apa, dia open minded.
Me: Tak mahulah. Nanti dia imagine macam-macam!

Semangat pulak husband aku nak merwar-warkan aktiviti bilik tidur.

Men. Typical.

2011-07-22T15:19:00.002+08:00

I hate the Internet, seeing all these happy faces and happy pictures and happy wedding photos and happy honeymoon destinations and happy couple activities.

How I wish...

Anyway, lets remind ourselves there are more important things in life, and sometimes, things are not what they seem to be.

The other day, I was telling a friend that I think people who know what they want in their life is cool.

For example, a few years ago, I was introduced to a handsome guy who is an accountant. I began to take interest in him (because he was so yummy) and my friend, who is his bestfriend, told me that initially he was supposed to do Medicine. He got into the course for a few months, didn't like it, and he went straight to his father saying he wanted to study Accountancy instead.

When I was 20, I didn't know what I want and I definitely couldn't simply change course or Father would kill me!

So, I admire his courage.

Sidetrack a bit:
After three years, I met him again at my friend's BBQ party, and he was all handsome and dashing, of course. He saw me and said my name, (OMG, he remembers my name!) and my friend said he's now available, whee! But, I am already married, bummer!

Talking about all this perfect men, they aren't really perfect, you see. My friend told me that his major weakness is his temper, but he's toned down a lot.

In marriage, I think it is very important to be with someone who can tolerate you and vice versa.

I had a huge fight with my husband and we made up.
I asked my husband what did he do when we were not in talking terms. He hung out with his bestfriend.

"Dia (my husband's bestfriend) cerita dekat I yang hari tu, dia gaduh dengan isteri dia jugak. Dia marah sangat, sampai pecah cermin kereta dia..." my husband told me.

Huh?

Okay, nak gaduh-gaduh pun, tak payah lah get physical...

I wrote before how I used to have a little crush on my husband's bestfriend. But I get really turned off by his temper. Even though I never actually witnessed it, but I can imagine.

In my marriage, I am the one who has the temper. I think that is okay, because I am a woman. Marah-marah pun, tak adalah sampai berkorban harta benda mahupun nyawa...Because I am a weak creature, I don't have the strength to ruin anything. So, my temper is managable.

However, if a man gets angry, he could do so many dangerous and crazy things! Takut okay...

Eh, jauhnya I dah menyimpang cerita.

Okay, back to the topic: People who know what they want in their life and actually do something to get it, especially when they are smart, are cool!

Yeah, so I was telling this friend of mine that I have a police officer friend.

My friend has something against the police. He's been violated by the criminals for so many times that he has lost faith in the forces to actually contain the situation. Many times, he didn't even bother to report the cases because he believes that it wouldn't make a difference.

So, base on his background, my friend was not impressed that I have a friend who's working as a cop.

"Why did he become a police officer?" my friend asked.

I told him that since school, he already made it public that he wanted to become one.

"But why? They don't do anything!" my friend said, coincidentally, we were passing a group of policemen who did nothing.

I don't like it when people look down to other people, especially when they are supposed to be doing a noble job. So, I told my friend that my police friend is actually a smart guy. He was quite a good student when we were in school, a Science stream student and managed to get 6As. (SPM zaman dulu lebih berkualiti dari sekarang) He studied Forensics, instead of the boring, typical Medicine, then, he joined PDRM. I think there's a good prospect by doing that. That is a smart move, don't you think?

My friend replied, "Eh, orang pandai tak sepatutnya jadi polis lah!"

Wah, such stereotype!

So, kudos to all the people out there who do what they want without giving a damn of what people think!

You think police are stupid? You can't say that because they are smart policemen out there, you better watch out!

And I am proud of www.sweatlee.com who is actively involved in Teach for Malaysia. Someone who is extremely smart, but dedicated her life to come back to Malaysia to become a teacher.

We all have this mentality, "Ala, dia tu bukan pandai sangat pun, jadi cikgu je..."

But you see, now, there is actually a few smart teachers out there! A teacher that students can and should admire and make an example of. (Standing ovation)

Not that I don't respect teachers, but teachers during my days and teachers now are quite different, I think.
Okay, I blame my experience. I know someone from school who is a pathological liar and steals a lot of things but she is now a teacher!
I so hate her.

Likewise, doctors are not always smart too!
Because, my husband told me about his friend, who has a brother, who studied Medicine, but he got only 2As for SPM! WTF! You got money? You can send your kids to study anywhere as long as he can be a doctor!

First of all, SPM is not that difficult to score.

On the other hand, we can't always depend on a stupid certificate to be recognized of our mental capabilities.

But I support the government move to control the overflowing of unreliable doctors in Malaysia.

I had a deep conversation with my husband.

It's saddening that all the good ones left but those we come back, they actually suck.

So, I give you a pat on your back to those who come back to serve our country. I give you a pat on your back to those who are abroad and planning not to stay there forever.

No pat on your back if you plan to run away...

Malaysia, we need a smart leader.

(to be continued)

2011-07-21T00:24:00.003+08:00

My husband is ill and he dozed off without saying goodnight or kissing me goodnight. I am so pissed off. Being sick is not an excuse to forget your wife who desires some affection.

And, he even lost my Touch N Go card worth RM88!

Gah...

Happy thoughts ahead!

1)

This happened before I got married when the whole department knew that the date was near.

Basically, I was working and minding my own business when I walked past a colleague.

Suddenly, she said, "You look so slim, I want your body!"

A comment from someone whom I barely knew because she just joined the department!

Awkward, weird but I was flattered.

2)

I always park my car at this parking lot, so everyday, I meet the same group of security guards.

One particular pak guard is someone who speaks English very well and he always greets and smiles at you.

Him: Finished working?
Me: Yeah...
Him: You know, Miss, you are a good driver.
Me: No lah...
Him: Really. I've seen you drive before. You are a good driver.
Me: Well, thank you.

I think it's the woman-doing-reverse-parking thing that leads to that compliment. I do it oh-so effortlessly everyday. Haha.

3)

A year ago, I remember one client who thinks I was pretty.

Fast-forward, our paths crossed again. Obviously, he forgot about me but I still remember him (because compliments regarding my looks are so rare that they are precious, you see, must not forget, for the sake of self-esteem).

The good thing is, he still thinks I am pretty (even though he is totally oblivious that he said that to me one year ago) and this time around, he tried to hook up with me a few times. He asked me out for a movie lah and he took note when I'd be working so he can pay me a visit.

Four days before my wedding, I lost RM4000 to the stupid cash deposit machine that swallowed my money! Sabar je lah time tu, dugaan orang nak kahwin.

I was frantic and tried calling the bank to sort out the matter. And guess who was there coincidentally? Him. Luckily he saw me that I was in no mood to be polite and he left.

I took a relatively long leave for my wedding and then, came back to work.

On one morning, I saw him.

Me: Buat apa dekat sini? Salah tempatlah...Awak patut pergi sana...
Him: Tapi I nak jumpa you.
Me: Tak boleh, tak boleh! I dah kahwin.
Him: Dah kahwin ke?
Me: Ye, I dah kahwin! (Waves my inai stained fingers to him)

And that was the last I saw him.

Even though he is not the lelaki pujaan Malaya punya type, but to have someone who fancies you memanglah is a nice feeling.

I'm using this story for my husband and tambah garam dan gula sikit-sikit so he will think his wife is still hot on the market. Haha. My husband doesn't have to know this is guy is obese and mentally retarded!

4)

A few months before my wedding, I went out with my long time friend and his brother.

Then, there was a time when my friend left the table. His brother and I began talking about relationships. Soon, I told him that I had found the perfect guy and we were getting married.

Him: Bila nak kahwin?
Me: Bulan Jun.
Him: Cepatnya! My brother tak beritahu pun!
Me: Ala, sebenarnya dah risik lama dah, tapi asyik tangguh-tangguh je...
Him: Eh, you nak kahwin dengan siapa ni?
Me: Dengan my boyfriend lah!
Him: ... (Blank look)
Me: Who works as bla bla bla and lives at bla bla bla...? (Raised eyebrows)
Him: Bukan you couple dengan my brother ke?
Me: ??? (Confused)

Since when!
It was so awkward that I became speechless, I had no idea how to respond to his assumption. Ye lah, takkan I nak flip out tak tentu pasal, this is my good friend we are talking about.

I guess, my friend's brother saw how shocked I was. He did not demand for an explanation, so we both let go of the topic.

My friend doesn't know a thing, of course.

As I am typing this, macam funny lah pulak. Haha. So, all this while, his brother thought I was his girlfriend ke...

(FYI, my friend WAS already in a relationship, until he broke up with that girl a week after my wedding. The girl dumped him but he told me he wasn't so sad, so yeay, less job for me as a friend to cheer him up!)

Okay, dah habis dah cerita.

My husband is still asleep and he doesn't even realize I am not by his side. I know him so well, tomorrow he will say that it's the effect from his medicines.

Benci lahhhhh...!!!

2011-07-13T16:34:00.002+08:00

My husband tends to be very busy lately, hence neglecting his poor wife. This is certainly not good because I would make a fuss about it.

Yelah, kan baru kahwin, takde honeymoon pulak tu, at least pay a little bit more attention to me.

I kan his newly wedded wife, I should be his priority!

Kesian my husband.
Everytime I mention this, he would terasa hati because to him, he is not being able to give a decent honeymoon. He would say, "Tak apa, sayang. Nanti I bawa you pergi Europe. Taknaklah honeymoon dekat-dekat." I know he is trying to compensate by saying nice things I want to hear, but at the same time, I do not want to overexpect from him.

"Sayang, janganlah marah. Abang tengah nak cari duit ni. Nanti kita pergi travel sama-sama and shopping, okay," he would explain himself.

One day, I watched Tanyalah Ustazah, aired on TV9. The ustazah said, a man who is working hard to provide for his family, is considered an ibadat in God's eyes. So, do let your hearts open and allow our husbands to work.

Tak kesahlah if my husband can't give me much at this moment, as long as he is not straying around, I am good.

When I was 18 years old, there was a moment in my class which my lecturer mentioned, "If you observe a Japanese woman, she will worry if her husband comes home early. She will think that her husband is not good enough, is he being laid off, is he not responsible enough that he is not given big projects to handle? Compared to Malaysian women, who would think that their husbands are clubbing with their mistresses if they come home late."

The ustazah also touched on several other issues.

She said, if we always buy things using credit cards and we ended up always paying the credit card company late, which leads to accumulation of interests, it really does mean that we could not afford to buy the things we buy, or else we wouldn't be in debt.
So, it's better to stop shopping and cancel the credit card and becoming debt-free.

Makes sense, eh?

Also, she talked about the importance of giving out donations. Sometimes, we donated our old clothes and make it an excuse to buy more clothes to fill up the wardrobe. Niat dah salah and membazir amalan syaitan.

She reminded that there is one group that we often forget who deserve our donations. Single men and women who want to be married but is not permitted financially.

The funny thing is, my brother-in-law wants to get married. I, being the only reasonable person in my husband's family, do not agree with the idea because he doesn't have enough savings yet. To me, you must being able to be financially independent before you want to take care of somebody else's daughter!
I was very adamant about this matter. I wanted them to be like me, paying for my own wedding. I didn't want them to make a loan, neither did I let my husband to financially aid his brother.
But after listening to the ustazah, I changed my mind. Maybe it is not so bad to help couples to build mosques. Mengelak maksiat kan.

(Sigh)

Ustazah, why are you nice and wise that I actually listen to your preach!

2011-07-08T22:21:00.003+08:00

You've heard it, and I hereby to confirm it: You won't get to know a man until you marry him!

I was culture shocked when I actually tried to live in my husband's hometown. Although I frequented the town before we got married, but it felt different and I was still surprised.

During his humble reception, if I were an outsider, I would have laughed and sworn on my life not to ever do his dorky colour combinations. Erk.

He had one yellow canopy, red table cloth, we wore purple and our room was blue. His parents did not even wear proper baju Melayu and baju kurung. I can bleed from my eyes, seriously.

The first few minutes, I kept recalling on how I ended up with this man. In the meantime, I kept glancing to my family members, hoping that they expected this. Obviously, I did not.

--------

Rewind.

On the journey to his hometown, I finally told Mother, as a warning, "Rumah dia tu kampung tau."

Mother probably knew what was coming, "Asalkan tak payah naik bot...Saudara Ma hari tu, nak pergi rumah menantu dia kena naik bot. Terkejut semua orang."

That was a relief.

--------

After the ceremony, I was invited to his relatives' homes.

For the first time ever in my life, I sat on the floor, eating dinner kampung style!

To me, the act of sitting on the floor to eat is only during kenduri arwah and breaking fast in the mosques.

Of course it was awkward. My kain had slit and I can't move my legs as I like when they fell asleep. So I lied, "Kain ni ketat sangat."

Later on, I was brought to his biological mother's which entire house is smaller than my room.

So, is this what my husband meant when he told me the reason he was being secretive about his family? Ashamed? Inferiored?

--------

I thought about Father and related to him.

Compared to Mother, Father's family was not very well-off too. Mother married him anyway. I don't know the details, but I know they had their difficulties earlier on.

Why, then, was he so against my husband and I when things are so similiar between us?

Father's principle was simple. Each generation should improve, we should be better than our parents. He proved to be a great role model, I salute him for that.

He married a woman who had a better life than his, so perhaps, that's why I should marry a man who could provide more for me.

--------

My short life in my husband's hometown was not very exciting. I was treated like a princess most of the time.

Being bored is not good because you start to have ridiculous thoughts like, "Even my grandparents don't live like this," or "I am so scared to raise my children in this environment because I don't want them to become like them."

Seeing I had time to be filled in, my husband remembered a book I always wanted to read, written by Tun Dr. Mahathir, 'A Doctor In The House'. He bought it when it first came out and the book has inspired him.

I only read until page 66, I think, but boy, it does make an impact!

You know, even though we live in kampung houses, we can indeed be successful as long as we have the right mentality and the emphasis on education. It really doesn't matter.

Thank you for throwing away my bad thoughts.

--------

Here's the rationale.

You just have to be redha with your jodoh.

You just have to have strong faith that he is the best for you, the most suitable for you.

My husband is best and most suitable for me because he keeps me grounded. He opens my eyes to a world that I'd never imagine could have been mine.

Just remember, if you want a good partner, you yourself must be good to match him/ her.

Always, always feel blessed with what you have.

2011-06-29T20:59:00.002+08:00

Written on 24 June 2011.

They say, the first couple fight, is the worst among all.

Right this moment, I am on a strike with my husband.
Benci betul.

So, as to remind how much a wonderful man he is, I reminiscence his wise words.

1)
My neighbour is currently renovating his house. His house is brand new and very beautiful. At first, I thought he only wanted to tweak a bit here and there for the house. I was wrong. Tengok-tengok, it is a major revamp, which is still undergoing.

Me: Abang, rumah dia dah cantik dah. Tapi apa lagi dia nak renovate?

Husband: Itulah pasal...Dia tak puas hati lagi lah kot...You tau tak apa orang cakap kalau kita selalu tak puas hati?

Me: Apa dia?

Husband: Duit yang kita guna tu tak berkat...

He elaborated that a berkat rezeki should always makes us feel contented.

"Kalau duit tu tak berkat, kalau orang tu kaya pun, orang tu jadi suka membazir sebab selalu tak puas hati. Last-last, sebab dah banyak membazir, orang tu punya duit sama juga," he said.

He furthermore gave an example, "You tengok pelacur. Memang banyak duit. Satu malam dapat berapa? Tapi diorang tak kaya pun..."

So, think twice before you say, "I am not satisfied!"

2)
"Yang, kita kahwin juga akhirnya. Kita ni banyak betul dugaan. Kita kena kahwin betul-betul yang, sampai mati I sayang. Sebab susah sangat nak dapat awak."

:)

3)
Dah, jangan nak perasan suami kau seorang bagus sayang isteri. Memanglah suami sayang isteri! (Padahal sekarang tengah cold war)

Have you read July issue of the Reader's Digest?

On page 8, there's a letter from a reader telling her story being left by her husband only after two years of marriage.

God forbid that ever happens to me.

I can imagine the woman's joy when she got married. After two years, they are all just sad memories.

If I were in her shoes, I don't know, I'd probably kill my husband. I'd hate him forever. I'd stop blogging. I'd run away and live in another country. I don't know.

4)
On my wedding day, a close friend gave a nice gift together with a card. In it, written something "Bla, bla, bla. You're and inspiration to me that despite all the hardship, TRUE LOVE will prevail!"

Alamak, pressure lah pulak!

5)
My husband left me for work. I was trying to be tough but he saw the sadness.

I knew he felt guilty for not being able to spend more time with me.

He hugged me and said, "Abang pergi bukan tinggalkan you. Abang pergi sebab nak kerja, nak cari rezeki, nak jaga awak baik-baik. Nanti kita dah kaya, Abang bagi semua yang you nak, okay?"

Ish. Sebak lah time tu.

I know he's so hardworking and trying his best to make me happy. But I keep on demanding for more.

Okay, better apologize to him now.

2011-06-27T01:19:00.002+08:00

My friend who is currently abroad, gave me a 'holla' just now, to say sorry for missing the wedding.

The usual question would be, "How's life after marriage?"

Honestly and truthfully, I said, "I don't feel much different."

Seriously. I don't feel different. I am not happier or sadder than before. I am pretty much the same person doing the same routine. You know, the usual.

Is there something wrong with me? Is this unnatural and abnormal for a newly-wed?

The only difference, which I also told to Brad P, is, "Sekarang dia makan, dia minta I ambil. Dulu sebelum kahwin, pandai ambil sendiri. Sekarang, tiba-tiba tak pandai dah..." They responded by laughing and giving the exact same reply, "Dia saja nak manja-manja tu."

"Ectopy, you ni kan, sempoi gila!" my friend said.

I was very laid back about my wedding, that my colleague told me two weeks before the event, "Ectopy, you are the coolest bride I have ever seen."
This is after she asked me whether I was nervous or excited about the wedding. I said, "Nope. I am okay. Not nervous and not very excited. I am just worried if there will be people attending my wedding."

Orang lain tak macam ni ke weih!

I am so sempoi, I have yet to pester my photographers for pictures. Tak excited pun nak tengok gambar.
Sebenarnya, more to fear of muka tak lawa masa wedding tu. Tu pasal tak excited.

(Prays to God for pretty photos)

2011-06-24T02:29:00.004+08:00

I received two surprises post wedding.

During the short merenjis ceremony, there was this stranger woman who blessed us. My husband introduced her as "Kakak I".

After she was out of audible range, right there and then jugak, atas pelamin, while maintaining my smile, I asked him, "Sejak bila you ada kakak ni!"

Silence.

I kan memang jenis otak geliga, I can't settle until I get what I want, "Siapa tu? Cepat bagitahu!"
"Tunggu lepas ni lah I cerita. Orang tengah merenjis ni. Senyum!"

That night, I asked him again. He told me she was his kakak angkat. Kakak angkat?!

Mesti tipu lagi. I dah cakap dah I am not stupid.

Nak jadi isteri mithali punya pasal, I waited until the next day.

This time, we were in the car on the way to a friend's party.

I was membebel about something else which led to this whole kakak angkat thing.

Husband: Itu pun you nak jealous ke? Dia kakak I, dia dah kahwin dah pun, dah ada anak.

Me: You ingat I jealous ke dengan perempuan tua tu? Please lah. I bukan bodoh lah nak jealous-jealous dengan orang tak lawa. Kalau you nak scandal dengan dia pun, tak kuasa I nak jealous.

Husband: Habis tu, apa masalah you?

Me: Masalah I is you rahsiakan benda ni dari I! Kenapa? Kalau tak salah, tak payah berahsia, kan? I tak jealous, tapi I dah ada syak wasangka. I tak nak ada rasa syak wasangka pada suami I sendiri!

Husband: You nak tau perkara sebenar?

Me: You dah kahwin ke sebelum ni?

Husband: Dia memang kakak I!

Me: Macam mana? Bapa you ada dua isteri? I dah agak dah family you ni!

Husband: Bukan. I ni anak angkat. Mak betul I serahkan I pada Ma. Ma tak ada anak, jadi masa Mak betul I mengandungkan I, dia janji akan bagi I pada Ma. Ma yang bela I sejak dari kecik, tapi I bukan anak dia. Kakak I tu, memang kakak kandung I.

Me: Kenapa you tak beritahu I sebelum ni?

Husband: I nak bagitahu lepas kahwin.

Me: Kenapa!

Husband: Sebab I malu!

Me: Apasal nak malu pula? Auntie I pun dibela saudara juga!

Husband: Family you memang asal orang kaya. I ni orang susah. Mak kandung I tinggal kampung. Kerja dia sembahyang je. Kakak I tu kerja dia bela ayam. Kalau I ni tak diserahkan pada Ma dulu, I takkan ada peluang sambung belajar. I tak tahu apa jadi dengan I sekarang.

Me: Habis, kenapa you tak jemput parents betul you datang?

Husband: Ayah kandung I dah meninggal sebelum I kenal you lagi. Mak kandung I tu dah tua, tak boleh jalan jauh. Nanti I kenalkan you dengan diorang.

Drama!

So, after this, I have to go to his hometown and start to get to know his actual family members.

And I thought I married a straightforward no hassle guy.

"Lepas ni, no more secrets. I am educated, I am a straight-As student, I am not stupid. I tak nak jadi isteri-isteri yang tak tahu apa-apa pasal suami dia. I nak being able to explain what my husband does. You kena beritahu semua pada I sebab I sekarang isteri you!"

"Okay," my husband took a deep breath. "Sebenarnya, kitorang rugi RM500k hari tu. Kerja-kerja I selama ni, separuh kena bagi dekat kawan I sebab I kena tolong dia juga, sebab tu sekarang ni I tak ada duit."

Pengsan.

My husband, and some of my friends, always think my family is rich.

Okay, I have been dying to explain this to people (but I can't, because it's weird lah nak explain pasal family wealth tiba-tiba je) so I'll just say it here.

I am not rich. My parents were not rich. We started our life very modest. We climbed our way up because Father was a stingy man. Eh, no, the better words to use to describe him are he was always careful with money.

Father passed away after he came back from Hajj. Coincidentally, he already prepared his will before taking off. His properties, were divided equally among us, the children. He even left a fortune (I never knew he had) in the form of saham, for his grandchildren and future grandchildren- in case they don't get the privilege to further their studies with scholarships.

Father was very particular with his money, that it may only be used for beneficial purposes. He always dreamt big for us, so, most of the money spent was mostly to get the best education.

(Sidetrack a bit: I pun sebenarnya takut dapat anak kurang bijak.)

Even if my parents were rich, we, the children, rarely get to taste the luxury of it.

We were not aware of it and we were not raised as rich children.

Take me, for example.

As I was growing up, my pocket money is cukup-cukup je. Starting off with 30 cents in primary school, slowly becoming RM2 in secondary school.

My teenage escapades to the shopping malls, depended on the mercy of Mother to give me extra money to spend. Most of the time, I spent my duit raya/ scholarship money.

All of my siblings (except one) had full scholarships.

I used to wear second-hand clothes all the time. Mother shopped in Tesco for my raya clothes. Mother hand-sew my school uniforms until I was 11, then her eye-sight deteriorated.
One time, I kept recycling my clothes, my friend asked me to stop because my pants were too tight for me.

Whenever I am out with my friends, I limited myself for RM40 for shoes and tops. This habit stayed on until two years ago, I required supports from Brad P and my husband, that I could actually spend more without feeling guilty.

See? I had a tough childhood even though deep down, I knew my parents could afford way more than that. But somehow, none of my siblings have ever asked for more. We were actually comfortable with what we had.

My sister is so rich (relatively, from the multiple scholarships she earned) but she still lives in her rented house without a proper bed (only a mattress), no cupboard, and she still reads using low lights (because we should not waste the electricity). Her salary is almost equal to mine, and she only started to work for less than a year ago. But with her qualification and academic excellence, I tak jealous sangat pun. Memang patutlah. In fact, I am proud of her.

Even though I may not look the part as if I come from a wealthy family, people tend to presume my family financial status whenever they come over to my house.

Before my wedding, I jokingly asked my colleagues to buy me nice gifts. One of them said, "Eh, what do you want? No need lah. You already have everything!"

Recently, a colleague who did not attend the wedding reception, looked through my picture album and said, "Is this your house? Is this your house?"

Eh, tak percaya pulak?

How do one respond to that kind of question! I pretended like I didn't hear her question to brush it off. -_-

My friends from school pulak, lain cerita. They are the children who memang come from wealthy families. Mega super rich families, the kind who get scoldings if they ever try to ride a cab or the LRTs without supervision.

Them: Ectopy, I really like your dress! You design ke? You tempah dekat mana? Mahal tak?
Me: Ni baju sewa je lah...
Them: Really? Then, how come it fits you so well!
Me: They took my measurements and alter it for me.
Them: Oh. They can do that?

That night, before going to bed, my husband snickered for the fact that my friends didn't even know about the existance of wedding dresses for rent.

"Abang ni, tak baiklah. Diorang baik tau..." I defended my friends.

But my friends are really nice, humble people. Sometimes, they are just oblivious without realizing it. And they love me anyway.

I always dreamt of a special wedding. Like, I dreamt that the very first time I get to go to Italy is for my honeymoon. I dreamt that the very first time I ever wear expensive, customized clothes is for my wedding. I dreamt that the very first time I ever go to manicure/ pedicure/ facial treatment is before my wedding.

I never get to do all that.

Sometimes, I got all bratty and told my then-boyfriend-now-husband, "I bukannya miskin sangat sampai baju kahwin pun sewa!" and pouted. "See, my friends tempah baju dekat so and so, pergi honeymoon at so and so, photographer dia so and so, buat wedding dekat so and so, hantaran dia so and so..."

It always broke his heart whenever I said that.

Sorry.

2011-06-22T12:02:00.002+08:00

Budget contemporary wedding

- no engagement ceremony
- no honeymoon
- no malam berinai
- 2 photographers for RM3k, plus extra photographer for RM500
- no pre wedding photoshoot
- nikah and sanding on the same day
- no hiasan bilik
- small number of invites
- rented two baju for RM500
- no spa, no facial
- no expensive, sexy lingerie (requested a friend to buy as a wedding gift)

Total damage is about RM30k still!

I spent a little bit more hantaran (insisted by then-boyfriend-now-husband):
1) watch 5k
2) shoes 2.5k
3) jeans and shirt 2k
4) cake a gift from a relative
5) sirih junjung DIY
6) sejadah bought in Mekah
7) perfume RM300

However, we only ordered for 5 trays of hantaran and charged with RM550, with wooden trays included, not rented.

Miscellaneous:

3 star hotel stay for his rombongan RM500
extra cake RM330 (did not expect a free one from the family)
kuih muih after nikah FOC by caterer
a pair of wedding shoes RM70 plus DIY
duvet cover for the bilik pengantin with new pillows (must ask Mother)
extra fruit cake, wajik, jeli kelapa, karipap (must ask Mother)
PA system and a non-talkative DJ (I like!) RM400
catering RM12 x 600 for 12 menus (including drinks) = RM7200
pecal RM100
tents RM350 x 5 with tables and chairs (we all hate the shade of colour used though, ugly!) = RM1750
pelamin, make-up x 2 (MAC and Estee Lauder), inai, baju and accessories RM5000-6000 (to be confirmed)
kompang RM250
upah tok kadi and saksi RM500
wedding favours (various types) RM1500
cards RM1 x 300 = RM300

My husband's side is more cost efficient because no pelamin and kampung style.

I paid for all, Alhamdulillah, except for the kompang team, sponsored by Brother Number 2.
I gave a lump sum to Mother so she can pay whatever things she choose.

That is my budget wedding and I am mostly satisfied. Ada juga yang tak puas, tapi kebanyakannya syukur.

2011-06-16T01:50:00.002+08:00

SOMETIMES.

Sometimes, I get readers complained that I have changed. Some said they no longer like what I write. I know that I am so bad in replying comments, I really want to, but time does not permit sometimes. Some other times, I do not know what to say back. I don't like being defensive because probably, all the comments that were directed to me are true.

I am aware that I don't have many readers. It's not what I intend to achieve. Probably that is why I don't mind if there are people who hate me. You stumbled upon this blog and you read about me, this is me, the person you don't know how she looks like, where she lives, what she works as, you don't know. What you know is only I have my ups and downs, I have my regrets, I make mistakes, I whine and can be grateful all at the same time.

I also realize, sometimes, that I have become angrier or more impatient or more competitive. I see all the others have that I want, that sometimes, I forget to appreciate what I already have. I always want the best.

Sometimes, I think, there is nothing wrong of wanting the best for myself. Oftentimes too, I think, there's nothing wrong of having less than the best, as long as they serve their purposes.

I admit that I might have changed. I grow.

ICE CREAMS.

Whenever my boyfriend came over to my house, he will hug and kiss whichever kid there is at that time. The typical question that he would ask any of them is, "Nak ice cream?"

So, naturally, like the Pavlov dogs, the sight of his figure will make them all excited because they know, my boyfriend means ice creams!

One day, the kids were causing me a headache, shouting and jumping around, so I scolded them, "Don't scream!"

They stopped screaming alright. But with big twinkling eyes, one of the kids asked me innocently, "Ice cream?"

"No! I said, Don't scream!"

"Yeay! Ice cream, ice cream!" she started screaming and soon, the screaming became infectious and all the kids shouted and demanded for ice creams!

My boyfriend created the monsters.

INSECURE.

Last but not least, it's the wedding season. So many of my friends got married. And boy, they wore the prettiest gowns, prettiest make ups, prettiest shoes, prettiest receptions, prettiest pelamins, prettiest photos...

I feel so small. (Shy)

awesome night

2011-05-29T09:33:00.004+08:00

I really don't mind if I didn't have a bachelorette party, but I am very glad that my lovely friends threw a 'surprise' party for me.

I had seen it coming. My friends could not lie properly.

The crowd should have been bigger but many did not make it due to a funeral of a colleague in Penang.

It was a sad morning, finding out the sudden death of him. His wife, who works in the same building, cried uncontrollably, asking us to wake him up. It dropped my heart seeing her, whose marriage is only 6-month-old and a baby in her belly.

Never drink and drive. Never get in the same car with a drunken driver.

When she decided the husband will be buried in Penang, some of my friends/ colleagues went to accompany her.

I could not imagine myself being in her place. May my colleague rest in peace. May she be strong enough to get through this.

The venue of my party was in Solaris Damansara.

My friend, warned me beforehand, "It is a fancy restaurant, so dress to kill."

"But we are wearing white tops and jeans, how do you dress to kill?" I asked.

Stumped, my friend replied, "You know, just add chains and whatever!"

Yeah, right.

When I arrived, my other friends were puzzled, "Why is the celebrated one looks the same with the rest of us?"

And nobody wanted to admit who gave away the surprise and the dress code to me. Believe me, it was not only one person to be blamed, but two!

Like any hen party, I had a crown and a sash. The team was Hawaiian so my friends distributed tutu skirt for me and flowers for the boys and girls. We had the typical 'dirty bunny' cupcakes and we talked and laughed until it was 2am when everybody began to get sleepy.

Man, we are old, we have lost the talent of no sleep but party all night long.

In the end, Brad P told me the people who was supposed to come, ie: my colleagues.

I am happy nevertheless, because it will be a little bit awkward to combine my friends with people at work, what the hell were we going to talk about, how was I going to keep both parties entertained.

I'll leave that happening at my wedding.

On the way back, I was in the same car with Brad P.

This is my colleague, who also turns out to be a great friend, well adjusted to my already existing friends.

We talked about the career we will have after this. I poured my heart of my fear regarding this permanent union with my boyfriend.

I like the talk.

The talk that made me reflect my decision to wed the not-so-perfect guy is perfect for me. The talk that made me realize that moving in a new town might not be so bad at all. The talk that confirmed that I have a wonderful, thoughtful, kind-hearted, mature husband-to-be that could take care of me.

When I arrived home, I texted a message to my boyfriend, telling him that I will never regret marrying him.

2011-05-26T10:49:00.002+08:00

I have no idea what to prepare for my wedding day.

Q1: You know, our friend Sasha went for this facial which uses crushed diamond. It will make your face glow...
Me: I am not going to for a facial.
Q1: Why not?
Me: I am scared if something goes wrong and I'll look ugly on my wedding day! Besides, I am not going to fall for this scam...Diamond facial? How much would that cost you?

Q2: Aren't you going to get a massage or something?
Me: No. No mandi bunga, no spa, no massage. I don't have time...

Q3: You should go remove all your facial hair.
Me: I have facial hair?!
Q3: No...But you should go threading. The make up will last longer. And go shape your eyebrows...But you have to ask his family first whether they'll let you or not...
Me: Hehehe...Even if he lets me, I don't think I want to mess with my eyebrows. They are fine...I will tell the make up artist to use make up to shape my eyebrows.

Q4: What will your contact lenses colour be?
Me: Er, I don't wear contact lenses.
Q4: Why don't you try 'hazel'. Or greenish grey...I will sponsor them for you! Just tell me what colour you want.
Me: But I don't know how to wear contact lenses.
Q4: It will make your eyes look bigger...They are the most important part of your face.

Me: I just want to do manicure and pedicure.
Q5: Are you going to Nail Parlor? When?
Me: Well, not now. Just before my wedding day.
Q5: When will you get your menses?
Me: Around that time. But I am not planning to put anything for my nails. I can request that can't I?
Q5: I think so.
Me: I've never been for a manicure pedicure before. But I can request for it, right? Because, what's the point, I'm going to have inai painted on my hands...

I am so, so sad that I can't be a typical bride-to-be. I really just don't care about anything.
I just don't want to be too different on my wedding day that people will be having a hard time recognizing me. I don't want to look like someone else in my wedding pictures.

I like how I look even though I used to hate myself when I was younger. I have come to terms that this is me and this is the best God has given me.

You know, everytime you look in the mirror, you should be reciting a doa, "Ya Allah, cantikkanlah peribadiku sebagaimana Engkau cantikkan wajahku ini."

If you think you are not beautiful, you are wrong. You are beautiful...

My boyfriend is really nice for putting up with me.

One time, I cried and cried because I didn't get my dream wedding dress.

He felt so bad that he promised me that he would find me one.

In the end, we didn't find any that we liked, but the fact that he was able to console me, he's truly my only one.

I accused him for dumping all the wedding burdens on me, forgetting the fact that he did almost 80% of my wedding. Eighty percent!

I am beginning to be the dependent wife. Haha.

Again and again, I am blessed to have this wonderful person as my soon to be husband.

I love it when he plays with the kids. He would kiss nieces and nephews and buy them ice creams and watches. These kids grow fond on him very quickly. Every time he comes, they will scream and make noise and wanting to be near him while whispering loud enough, "Nak aiskrim..."

Haha, damn cute.

He is also very generous with the compliments, constantly tell me how lucky it is to have me.

Just last week, he bought me a surprise bouquet of flowers because he thought he had not presented anything to me of late. On the note, typed,

"To my wife, Ectopy. I love you. With love, husband."

I could tell he was excited about the marriage.

His friend saw the flower bouquet in the car.

Friend: Bunga apa ni?
Him: Oh, ada orang bagi...
Friend: Orang bagi? Ni, tulis, "To my wife, From husband"...
Him: (Very embarassed) Tadi aku bagi dekat tunang aku lah...Saja je berangan dah kahwin...

So embarassing!

(I left the bouquet in the car because I couldn't be bringing the flowers on the aeroplane when my hands are full!)

2011-05-16T22:24:00.006+08:00

I thought I will never be one of those bride-to-be.
Because my simple wedding, with only 500 of invites, nothing fancy at all, will never have dramas, or so I thought.

I was summoned for a sibling meeting just now.

It was really an ambush, I was even warned beforehand that no hard feelings to be taken, but even the strongest person like me can become vulnerable.

After the drilling session, I went to Mother's room. Mother was sitting on the prayer mat, still reciting prayers. So, I landed myself on her bed, immersed my face in her pillows, and sobbed quietly like I always do.

She let me cry. Finally, she asked why.

"Diorang kata Ectopy menyusahkan Mother," I told her.

I continued to cry silently. For about 10 minutes, she broke the silence.

"Sudahlah tu. Awak cakap awak kan kuat..."

Everybody thinks I am strong. I think I am strong. I am strong and brave.

I am so tough that when I was 5, I fell down and my knee hurt pretty badly, but I didn't tell Mother. I still have the ulat gonggok scar on my left knee. I was bleeding with isi daging terkeluar semua but I let my body healed the wound without medical intervention.

I am so tough that I thought myself to ride the bicycle and swim. Seriously. I was 5 or 6 years old. No special classes, no supervision, nothing.

I am so tough that when I was 12, I saw a snake, I didn't scream. Instead, I quietly told Mother there's a cobra in the kitchen.

I am so tough that every time I met an accident, I settled it myself.

I am so tough that I was the only one in my family who dares to ride the meanest roller coaster, participate in extreme sports, represents my school for all sorts of competitions.

I am so tough that I have traveled for so many times to foreign countries, alone.

I am so tough that I worked the next day after I was assaulted by two robbers, bleeding and all.

I don't know why am I so independent.

I broke down because they actually think I don't do anything to reduce the burden on Mother.

Did I not find my own caterer?
Did I not find my own pelamin decorator?
Did I not find my own wedding attire?
Did I not find my own khemah?
Did I not find my own wedding cards?
Did I not follow Mother's request to do it all in one day?
Did I not agree for a small do?
Did I not become a bridezilla?

Writing is a good for me. I was crying for nearly 3 hours just now, with all sorts of things I thought I wanted to write.

I was sick all over, nauseated and I accidentally knocked my head to a hard surface that a bump is growing off my forehead.

But now that I have felt better, I will stop dwelling too much into it.

And again, I heal myself. I am better.

Let's talk about something else.

My boyfriend and I were listening to Red FM.

Caller: My first girlfriend has a brain like Einstein's, a heart like Mother Theresa's, and a body like Megan Fox's.

"Abang, oh, my God, he is talking about me!" I exclaimed to my boyfriend.

My boyfriend gave his usual, 'Please-jangan-perasan' look.

Caller: But, like any other guy, I thought, if this was my first girlfriend, imagine how my second girlfriend could be like! So, I dumped her. And I never found someone who can match her.

Men are idiots.

What's different with this current relationship of mine compared to the previous ones is: I think I love him more than he loves me.

I've been told for so many times that it's better to be with somebody who loves you more than you love him.

Can that be a strong enough reason if I were to cancel this wedding?

As much as I don't like hearing a friend bujang trang tang tang married a divorcee anak satu yang tak bekerja tinggal dengan mak bapak, sometimes, I don't like it when my boyfriend agrees with me secara berlebihan.

So, when I think he already had enough bad things to say about them, I turned the table and said, "Tak baiklah abang ni, kutuk-kutuk diorang. Itu kan dah jodoh...Nabi Muhammad pun kahwin dengan janda juga."

I hate it when my boyfriend becomes a smartass, with an answer like this,

"Kita tak boleh bandingkan diri kita dengan Nabi Muhammad. Pertamanya, Khadijah tu yang pinang Nabi, bukan Nabi pinang dia. Keduanya, Khadijah tu kaya, dia tolong Nabi. Bukan macam janda ni, duduk rumah, petang-petang pergi jalan-jalan cari laki!"

And, don't you especially hate it when some people simply menyerah pada takdir, saying, "Dah jodoh, nak buat mamacam mana..."

Well, contohnya lah kan, kalau kau dah tahu laki tu hisap dadah, tapi kau kahwin juga dengan dia, itu bukan jodoh okay. Itu bodoh!

2011-05-11T12:42:00.002+08:00

I am very, very stressed.

Because.

I don't like the ustadz who is going to be my Tok Kadi. He is very rude, bad tempered, I can't believe he is an ustadz! Seriously. I have no respect for him at all. He is not like any other ustadz that will melt your heart when you talk to him.

U (Ustadz): Awak pemohon. Kenapa awak suruh tunang awak serahkan borang ni? Kalau belum berkahwin, jangan berlagak macam suami isteri. Naik kereta bersama pun tak boleh!

Me: (WTF! Then, you expect me, the girl, to call you, and eat lunch with you? And what if I didn't have a car? Dear Ustadz, one day, I wanna see you daughter sit behind her boyfriend, on a motorbike. Because you are not rich, you can't afford to buy a car for her. And I am sure you have at least 6 kids.)

U: Cuba duduk jauh-jauh.

Yeah, we were in the mosque, with my brothers, my uncle and the ustadz, sitting in a circle. How close can we even sit? In the end, we moved a few inches away from each other, which really, made no difference at all.

U: Hari ni berapa haribulan dalam tahun hijrah?

Me: (Too lazy to layan and talk to the ustadz, I shrugged my shoulders, a sign to tell him that I didn't know).

U: Bulan apa sekarang?

Noone answered because we freaking didn't know because we freaking (you think) don't pray, because we freaking (you think) masuk neraka!

U: Ada bawa pen?

I looked at my boyfriend because I passed the pen to him before we came to the mosque. My smart boyfriend left it in the car.

U: Pen pun tak bawa? Awak ni tak bersedia langsung.

Ustadz ni memang emo, sengaja cari pasal. Tapi semua orang malas nak layan so we kept quiet.

U: Oh, macam kenal je alamat rumah ni.

Brother 2: Ustadz pernah datang masa arwah meninggal.

U: Oohh...Yang dekat belakang sana tu? Arwah dah meninggal lama dah kan...Sepuluh tahun dah...

Me: (Hoi, bodoh, kepala hotak kau! Tak sampai setahun bapak aku mati! Kalau tak kenal, jangan buat-buat nak kenal!)

That really made me hit the maximum point. I just cannot look at the ustadz' face. Seriously!

Dia ingat senang ke to gather my wali and my saksi together, they have better things to do, but no, you insist to see them first, because well, you ustadz is really young, probably graduated from a university, trying to control things in your turf.

You make all of us angry with your nonsense act. My boyfriend called you twice, TWICE, to ask you whether it is okay if the saksi not there, and you said YES, your wife said YES, but on the day itself, you said differently. Are you freaking crazy!

The ustadz was at my neighbour's akad nikah, and he commented that it was better to the akad in the mosque rather than in the house.

If he does that during my wedding, I'd be very angry. I have my reasons for having the akad nikah in my house. I have many non-Muslims friends and a lot of my aunts and relatives don't dress appropriately.

WHY DOES HE HAVE TO DO MY AKAD NIKAH, CAN I HAVE SOMEONE ELSE PLEASE!

Me: Marahnya I dekat ustadz gila tu! Boleh tak kalau I taknak maafkan dia!
Bf: Tak baik tak memaafkan orang...Hari tu, you juga yang suruh I maafkan budak sekolah pondok yang mengaji kitab tu...

Budak sekolah pondok yang mengaji kitab found my boyfriend's missing mobile phone, used it to call Cambodia AND to play online games, which was charged to my boyfriend's bill- RM300 in one day.

My boyfriend was so angry because
1) kononnya belajar agama
2) bukan budak kecik- dah 16 tahun
3) dah jumpa phone orang, kenapa tak pulangkan? Siap guna lagi...

And I...I asked him to forgive the kid. How silly...Now, I have to forgive the ustadz!

Anyway, in the end, we left the mosque in anger. I'm glad my uncle stood by me and agreed the ustadz was indeed crazy. Tak bawa pen pun nak marah tak tentu pasal. And this uncle is from Father's side, so this uncle is alim juga! If uncle alim thinks that Ustadz is crazy, I am not wrong to think so too.

Then, the hantaran shopping. It was fun then it was not then it was fun, and now, my watch has gone missing! Bengang gila! Tinggal kotak je! Please God, I pray to you, please return my watch to me...

My boyfriend definitely had the most fun though. He received lots of free gifts and for some reason, the salespeople are nicer to him!

I also need to prepare for a presentation. Work is mad. I am busy most of the time, by the time I arrive home, all I want to do is to sleep. Not to forget my impossible, unbelievable, ungrateful clients! They are so stupid sometimes!

Urgh!

My wedding preparations are minimal. No mandi bunga, no spa, no facial, no bachelorette party, no malam berinai. I already nearly die now. I just need to trim my hair and do my first ever manicure and pedicure, then I'm done and happy.

I want everything to be settled so I myself can settle down in a new town and that's it. Make babies and climb up the career ladder. That's all I care at the moment.

2011-04-23T16:01:00.004+08:00

Yesterday sucked.

I came to work with half of my usual spirit. I am down with flu and cough, and I was easily annoyed for the whole day, that every single wrong thing, no matter how tiny it was, it hurt.

Like this one time, my boss ordered me to do something and half and hour later, he said he didn't order it, why I pandai-pandai do things my way. Annoying! I hate him!

Then, another boss came, who ordered me to do something else, and I did, and I yelled out, "23.2" in case I forgot the number, I hoped somebody else would remember it. Then he said, "Nevermind, it's not important."

WTF.

I left the scene because I couldn't stand to be there. In another room, a client's son scolded me for no reason. Usually I don't scold back, but I was not being myself, so, I answered. He then scolded me again and this time my assistant backed me up.

Damn rude lah these people!

So embarassing because my other clients heard it.

Then, I had nowhere else to go. I went to the canteen to be alone, but apparently I know too many people in the organisation, people kept coming up at me to say Hi but I was in no mood to talk or smile.

I drove home crying.

It could have been PMS but I just had my menstruation.

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend. He said he had a surprise for me but I had to promise him not to be angry at the news. He told me that his bestfriend (the one that I used to have a crush on) got married two weeks ago.

WTF!

Apparently, he broke up with his long-term girlfriend of 15 years, one year ago. We all refused to believe that they separated because, yer lah, it could have been kejap on kejap off that kind of thing...I didn't even know he found someone new!

My boyfriend was right to make me promise not become angry because I almost exploded.

It's the stupidest thing a man could do to get over an ex!

So stupid!

It's wrong in many different levels.

First, you were together for 15 freaking years! It is simply IMPOSSIBLE to get over her in one year, it has to take 5 years at least, especially after you became depressed because she dumped you, boohoo.

Secondly, you got yourself a rebound which is way, how should I put it nicely here, too easy for you! Compared to your last girlfriend who is an engineer, who regularly goes overseas, who lives in a nice home, but you chose to settle down with this other girl, who is, I don't know, PMR/ SPM level, at most? Come on, you are worth more than that!

This is not even a revenge! This is defeat!

It's your fault for not getting married with your ex earlier. Guys, they always want to wait, they always want to have fun, she waited for you for 15 years, it's okay for you because you are a guy, but she's a woman whose youth is consumed by time, but when she dumped you, oh, pandai pulak kau main kahwin-kahwin?

Dah lah you kahwin, like, without proper preparation. I didn't even get an invitation to your wedding! And you, you don't even plan a reception on your side! What? Do you want to fuck her then divorce her? Do you think this is a game? That you can keep your marriage a hush hush? Why is it in the first place you don't want to make a big deal out of this? BECAUSE DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW YOUR WIFE IS NOT FOR YOU!

My boyfriend didn't even come to your wedding because he thought you were joking, for God's sake!

I feel like slapping him in the face! *RAGE*

How many times should I tell you guys that you guys should marry because of LOVE! LOVE! Why can't you guys believe me, or believe in love. Believe me, this kind of marriage won't last and you will become another typical Kelantanese who marry many and becomes a disgusting old man! (No offence, dear Kelantanese)

And because of you, my boyfriend has the guts to question the amount of hantaran my family is asking. You married a kampung girl who requested RM5000 which is enough for her, since you guys don't invite anybody to the wedding.

I am not like her! Is it my fault that most of friends come from well-to-do families that I tend to compare myself with them. I have to compare myself with successful people in order to challenge myself to be better. But my boyfriend said I am one ungrateful brat whose anything that I have is never enough for me.

I am educated and pretty and kind and I was raised in a standard way of living and my boyfriend said I am materialistic. I am not materialistic. If I were, I wouldn't save money by buying only cheap clothes. I don't wear designer clothes, Topshop is too expensive for me, I still wear the baju I have since I was 14 years old, and how come I am materialistic in this case!

I told my boyfriend, if he couldn't afford to buy me a Miu Miu handbag, then don't buy for me. Buy a cheaper one, I don't care. But he insisted. And we fight because of that!

It is ridiculous!

Then I told my boyfriend that he should've wedded me earlier, when Father was still alive, so Father could sort out most things for me, like my car insurance, my road tax and the place I will be living in after the marriage.

My boyfriend said my parents only asked us to study and I grow up smart but not street smart, I am not capable to do simple things like that.
My boyfriend said he didn't know Father was going to die because he was young and healthy and I told my boyfriend he is stupid because a lot of his friends are already dead because of heart disease or TB or something like that.

Gila stressed nak mampus.

2011-04-08T15:10:00.003+08:00

I have paid an amount of deposit to a wedding planner.

But I hate her.

Well, I used to like her enthusiasm, but after a while, she never initiate to contact me! She is not committed at all! I feel so angry just thinking about it. Twice, she bailed on us. We made an appointment for her and the team to come to my house, but she didn't show up, not only that, she did not even send me a message! How rude!

According the the arrangement, a baju nikah is included in the price. The wedding date is very near, but she never bothers to call me up and take my measurement.

Being the typical egoist bridezilla (that I never knew existed in me), I pun tak ingin nak terhegeh-hegeh dekat dia. Whatever. The selection of baju that she has are not that beautiful anyway...Very limited I have to say.

Then, I found another wedding planner that I have faith in, but I am scared that it will be a tad too expensive from the budget that I've set for. I am so scared to tell Mother, I'd probably lie to her. At times like this, I wish I were rich. Or, at least I had well-connected friends, or talented friends.

You know, later, after I got married, I will make an entry of how I wanted my wedding to be like and compare it with how my wedding actually turned out to be.

Oh, well, like Oprah said, "You can get everything that you want, just not at the same time."

Redha dan syukur.

Hmm, enough of stressful wedding talks. The experience from being Ectopy from the moment I was born into this world has taught me that: I just have to let things flow and things will turn out okay. Seriously, I was born not to plan, I was born to be spontaneous and surprise myself with the outcome. I hope.

On a happier note, I suka sangat with the stress-relieving activities that I've got myself involved into for the past few weeks.

If I weren't anonymous, I would've written a blog post entitled: Things to do before getting married.

You know what, if I were younger and had seen a woman at this age terkinja-kinja, mesti I commented something nasty or I'd judge that person.

The funny thing of getting old is, sometimes, you don't feel it. I didn't realize that I was older than most of the participants and by the time I realized, I just thought, "Hey, I'm happy that I'm still able to do this at this age!"

When I was about 22 years old, I was abroad, and I saw this very stylish woman in stilettos and cool shades, pushing a baby stroller with another toddler next to her trying to keep up.

I remember it so vividly, I told myself, "That's how I want to be after I have chidlren."

Now, thinking back, it is so difficult to apply the same situation in Malaysia. Nanti I balik kampung, orang cakap, I buang tebiat. Haha.

One can say, just adjust yourself to fit in. But I'm sure other people would say I'm a hypocrite.

Oh, well, there are always opinions, and at this age, I shall learn not to care of what people think of me as long as I am okay.

Reputations are for hormonal teenagers, I have none.

Anyway, apart from that, I was with my travel buddy for the weekend, a few weeks back. It felt good. He probably did not feel it, but I was indeed quite sentimental about it.

That would probably the last impromptu trip I will ever have. That was definitely the last trip I would ever have with my travel buddy!

We also met up with his Uni friend who is a local there. He introduced me to her, "Didn't you know she is my travel buddy? We have travelled a lot together..." and he started to name the countries we have covered together.

He might not notice it but I was so touched that he still remembers about our good times together. And I was touched that it was not only me who think of him as my travel buddy! :')

Back to KL, I drove, while he slept through the journey. Lagilah I sedih dengan keheningan malam. I will miss his companion.

My boyfriend and I have talked about this. He said after the marriage, whether I like it or not, things will have to change. I will be a married woman, and he will be my husband. Everything I do will depend on his blessings. Therefore, I could not hang out with my guy friends like, just the two of us, because my boyfriend doesn't trust the devil that eventually becomes the third party.

I told my boyfriend, "Tapi you cakap kita Westernised!" He repeatedly said he wants to us to have sex by the beach and I should not be embarassed because, "Kita kan Westernised!"

If we were Westernised, why can't I have the kind of relationship that friends have in, 'Friends' or 'How I Met Your Mother' or 'Cougartown'.

"Dalam hal ni, takde Westernised nye...Kita back to basic," my boyfriend said. WTF.

2011-03-09T00:14:00.003+08:00

Aku pasrah.

I'll wear whatever wedding dress for my big day, okay?

My boyfriend originated from another state. He was so convincing: "People there can sew too. They are not designers, but they can sew!"

It got me really excited. I printed photos for him to show them around.

One shop finally agreed to tailor my dress. We asked for the price quotation. After 5 freaking days, she said it would cost us, "RM2000".

Bf: Kalau macam tu, baik saya buat dekat KL!
Tukang jahit: Memang kami akan tempah di KL pun...

WTF! FML!

Sangat marah because the design that I wanted bukannya sarat dengan labuci kena jahit tangan! Plus, itu harga KL, I nak harga murah, sebab tu I bawa pergi kampung, duh!

I am no longer angry at my boyfriend. Biarlah, it's just a dress. I'll make a better one later, when we are richer, even though it'll be after marriage. :)

Anyway, I am getting more and more sensitive ever since the date is approaching, especially when people comment on my looks.

One relative said, "Nanti sebelum kahwin, buatlah facial, lepas tu kena mekap cantik sikit, bagi hilang semua ni," and she pointed at my flaws.

I was offended.

In another situation, my sister-in-law asked, "Awak tak ada ambil apa-apa ke?"
Me: Ambil apa?
SIL: Ye lah...Macam jamu ke...
Mother: Jamu? Dia tak gemuklah.
SIL: Awak ni, nampak penat je...Jamu untuk bagi awak nampak, hhmm, fresh sikit.

I think she was very careful in choosing her words which equivalent to the word: unattractive.

I was the dealing with a client the other day. While waiting for the stuff to be sorted out, she stared at my namecard, gave me a look and said, "You are so pretty in this picture. Now you look...Tired."

In my head: tired = ugly.

Being polite, I said, "Well, work has consumed me. Don't worry, Auntie, I'll get prettier when I am getting married."

Auntie replied, "You should be pretty even before you get married."

I can only brushed off the topic by telling her a lie, "First, I need to find a guy!"

Urgh, what is wrong with these people! Am I that ugly!

Oh, well, the only good news is, I never thought my namecard photo was a nice one. At least, Auntie appreciated it.

And thank God I have a blind boyfriend.

I did not wear any make-up on, wore a plain baju kurung with a plain tudung to attend a boring Kursus Kahwin but he kept complimenting on how cute I was that it became annoying because I felt like I was being lied to.

I watched 'How I Met Your Mother'. Quote from the sitcom:
A: People don't like to lied to!
B: Wrong! People don't like finding out the truth!

Oh, and here's another quote:
Skanky old woman: Come here, baby...(Rubbing herself against the man's cock)
Timid man: (Refusing the skanky old woman) Actually, I have a girlfriend. No, fiance! Wife! I have a wife!
Skanky old woman: (Still trying her luck to seduce the timid man)
Timid man: (Blurted out) I have syphilis!
Skanky old woman: Even better! Cause I have syphilis too...

Random.

2011-03-02T22:11:00.004+08:00

So, I ran into Kancil and damaged her plate number.

My car is fine.

It wasn't a big deal. At work, I texted her an apology message, but was returned with a call by a stranger who was completely unaware about the matter. I must have gotten the wrong number, and the ironic thing is, the owner of the number has the exact same name.

It turned out, this woman is a stalker. She traced my car at my workplace and left me a note.

Remember the security guard I told you in my last post? Well, he told that they passed the message to me, if I was still uncontactable by the next day, they wanted to issue a summon. Over tak? Setakat plate number pecah kot...

At last, managed to contact her and she requested for, tadaa, RM250.

Cik: Mekanik tu estimate rosak dalam RM250.
Me: Mahalnya! Rosak apa mahal sangat? Number plate je yang pecah.
Cik: Dia cakap bumper jatuh.
Me: Awak repairlah dulu, nanti bagitau saya amount dia.

I thought, what the hell! Bila pulak bumper dia jatuh, bukannya langgar kuat pun, kereta I pun takde scratch. But quickly, I calmed myself down, tak baik bersangka buruk pada perempuan yang menutup aurat, mekanik tu kot yang jahat.

Redha.

At night, she called me again. Oh, my God, I was beginning to think she was harassing me. This time, she said, "Saya dah confirm kan dengan mekanik tu. Memang dia nak charge RM250."

Fine, whatever lah...So, why do you call me?

Cik: Agak-agak, bila eh boleh masuk duit?
Me: Saya tak pasti lah...Kalau tak malam ni, esoklah saya transfer duit. Nanti awak bagilah account number awak.
Cik: Sebab, saya perlukan duit tu.
Me: Okay, tapi macam saya kata tadi, kalau tak malam ni, besok saya bagi duit tu. Saya selalu online banking. Malam ni saya ada hal, nak keluar.
Cik: Tinggal dekat mana eh? Boleh bagi alamat?

Sekali lagi syaitan menghasut. Desperate gila perempuan ni miskin sangat ke hape setakat 250ringgit pun tak boleh bayar dulu...(Kalau miskin sangat, sungguh tak bijak pakai kereta, sila naik bas untuk simpan duit, lebih bagus kalau jalan kaki je) Siap minta alamat, kalau tak boleh online banking, dia nak datang rumah minta cash pagi-pagi buta keesokan hari agaknya.

You know what she said that made my annoyance level hit the maximum?

SMS: Saya harap cik bleh tranfer mlm ni la coz esk dah lbh 24jam utk mngelak dr sbrng kesulitan tq

Subtly threatening me, for the second time (the first, regarding the summon) in day?

I sedeqah je RM250 tu, I halalkan. Puas hati?

Probably she didn't act alone, probably her husband/ boyfriend/ friends made her do things this way...

This strengthtens further my theory: People with limited power memang suka nak tunjuk power. (I discuss about this matter over and over again)

Thank God I'm surrounded by cool people. That thought makes me smile :) We are classy!

2011-02-22T14:49:00.002+08:00

My niece is damn cute. She's 3 years old.

One time, I caught her playing with my lipgloss, so I screamed at her and asked, "Pulang balik!"
Then, she pursed her lips and pinched them, as if grabbing the stain of lipgloss on her lips, and said, "Nah!"
I said, "Pulangkan balik," and she did the same gesture for several times! Haha.

Another time, my purse went missing. I found our she was the last one who played with it, so I asked her, "Where is my pink purse?"
Then, she pointed at her cute little butt, and said, "Ni..."
"I said, where is my pink purse, not where is your Pampers! So, now, where is my pink purse?"
As expected, she did not understand and showed me her Pampers.

I am confused with myself.
Sometimes, I make friends so easily with strangers, other times I may not be as warm as I could be.

Like today, at work, I was with a new team of people. It's not like I don't know most of them, I do, but I couldn't be bothered to be jovial. They didn't care about me either, probably because I was not interesting enough. It felt really awkward because everybody was talking to each other except for me! I felt like I was in a new high school or something.

Then, as I was about to leave, a security guard came knocking on my car window. He asked me to lend him RM30, with promise that he will return the full amount in 2-3days. I showed him the content of my purse, I seriously only had RM7, I wanted to give him 5bucks, but he refused, "Nanti you pula tak ada duit," he said.

He must've needed the money bad. 30bucks may meant nothing for me, but to him, he didn't even have RM30!

I told about my boyfriend about how I felt- this 'kejap boleh kawan dengan mana-mana orang, kejap boleh kawan dengan certain people only' mode.

Him: Maybe you lebih suka berkawan dengan orang yang humble.
Me: Tak jugak...Kadang-kadang I kawan dengan orang tu bergantung kepada chemistry.

I am wondering what kind of people attract me to them. I don't know.

If it's chemistry, I also have some very close friends who I didn't have chemistry with, but hit it off after a few meetings.
Ada jugak yang sampai sekarang masih tak boleh ngam.

Brad P's bestfriend/ complicated friend for example. And I feel so guilty because Brad P gets along with my friends so well (too well sometiems) but I just couldn't have a proper relaxed conversation with his this one bestfriend.
Damn awkward!

Let's also analyse the bosses I can get along with. Boss A is kind, but I just couldn't talk to him like friends do. Everything between us is completely professional that sometimes we are in silence because we couldn't talk about anything else. However, the rest of my colleagues can have drinks and laugh with him.
Or Boss B who most people hate but I can simply tease him and feel at ease when he's around.

I don't understand myself.

2011-02-13T22:25:00.003+08:00

I...Don't know where to start.

From the moment I thought I was falling with my boyfriend, I knew we just have to get married.
Like any other bride, I dream of a beautiful wedding. One that could be called mine.

So, ever since then, I have started collecting photos of the stuff I like for my wedding.

And whenever I attend a wedding, I always think mine would be better.

But anyway, due to my procastination nature and the lack of family support (I refuse only to blame myself! Even though I am at fault *shy*), I couldn't realize most of my plans.

I am so sad and mad at myself!

My ideas have gone down the drain because...I just paid an amount of money for the deposit for...a wedding coordinator (not a wedding planner, if only I was rich, FML).

The wedding coordinator will handle my wedding from A to Z. And what I meant by A to Z, I mean, A to Z!

Why am I so crazy to let a total stranger do things for MY wedding! This is my wedding, what if she screws up? What if I don't like what she does?

I am hyperventilating, palpitating, panicking all in one.

Gah! Why am I not rich again?

If I was rich, I could have had a better job with better pay (ie: my own company) and then take my own sweet time off work, fly to Indonesia, pick the nicest dress, pays the greatest wedding planner without a single drop a sweat, order the wedding planner to do things the way I want it to be, become a bridezilla because I am the one with the moolah...

WHO SAYS MONEY CAN'T BUY YOU HAPPINESS!

I wish I can rant more about this matter, but my boyfriend is on the line and he's there to calm me down, so I will talk to him and complaint more about it later, in this blog.

2011-02-09T06:59:00.003+08:00

I found a great blog and it kept me awake. :)

Actually, I couldn't sleep well today, I kept tossing and turning, I hate mosquitoes, I forced myself to sleep but ended up thinking about my upcoming wedding, will I ever make it realize in time, or will it be postponed again?

Hmm...

The truth is, I have been blogging since 2002. I think I have lost most of my writings because the old server got revamped or something, plus I became lazy/ busy, so I simply quitted keeping track. I used to treasure them very much, thinking somehow, one day, I would want to read again what I had written, my tiny brain couldn't recall much of what happened, you know...

Especially because I was so bold about everything, I mentioned names, I wrote details, which consumed my reputation among my new friends.

And I wanted to see how myself evolve over the years...But I lost them all. Now, I am sad thinking about it!

Rebellion to depression, frank honesty to anonymosity, anger to acceptance, loud, outspoken, opinionated to being assertive, unambitious. I used to think I had a crystal clear concious about my life's principles, but in retrospect, I have broken most of them. What/ how/ when it all happened?

i-enthusiast.diaryland.com triggered this emotion. I read her entries up until 2005, then I lost her. I wonder how she is now. She was mature beyond her age, totally different from how I used to write at that age, or what was important to me back then.

She makes me feel shameful of my thoughts when I was a teenager/ in my early twenties! Haha. The good old days...

Anyway, reading her amazingly good English reminds me why I always think American scholars are greater than the British, the Malaysians studying overseas, I mean, in term of intellectual levels. Half of this is contributed by the education system. In the US, they encourage, even challenge their students to participate actively to voicing out their thoughts, conducting conferences, coming out from the closets, etc.

Sometimes, I even fantasize marrying somebody 2-3 years older than me, who spent some time in the US, I imagine having a heated, mind stimulating conversation with the guy, get angry and curse each other in words only few know, like how some of my friends do, but we are only platonic.

Also, I would say, the quality of the chosen ones to further studies overseas, being the top 10% of the national population, somehow, are better than the current generations!

Nowadays, I observe these students are only good in paper-based exams, not articulate enough, unable to think outside the box or simply cannot give a good analysis about the current news. Pathetic graduates.

Probably that's why I never fancy the doctors. Sorry.

I regret for not taking up the rare courses of my time: Biotechnology, Actuarial Science, Political Science, Mathematics. I regret for not taking minor, random courses. "Hello, I have a degree in Greek Mythology/ Social Science/ Chinese Culinary Arts/ French Revolution/ Dance History." My resume could have been awesome!

Speaking of Mathematics, a friend argued with me that why would anybody study Mathematics. It is just Maths, you have some formulas, you replace them with numbers, voila, you get the answers.
Well, it is not just about the answers, it is the journey, the beautiful minds of Al-Khwarizmi, Al-Jabbar, aren't you intrigued?
"Hello, I am a Mathematician." Even the sound of it is cool!

Now, I am mad at myself. Because I am getting older and choices are getting limited. They say there are always options, as long as you have the willpower. But I have commitments to other things too, I am no superhuman.

And I keep chanting to myself- Being ordinary is not so bad. Repeatedly.

I wish I received a degree from an American college, Masters from the UK, then worked in Japan, before finally settling down in Malaysia. Damn, I need to travel for one year. Damn, why am I not rich enough to drop everything and just fly to foreign lands.

FML.

But I will never trust my children's independence. Ah, the irony.

2011-02-02T21:03:00.002+08:00

Koleksi cerita-cerita sedih berkisah benar.

1)

Husband and wife. Husband married a second wife. Wife number one gave birth to two kids. One killed herself. One ran away from home.

Husband had stroke and became paralysed.

Wife number 2 ran away.

Wife number one is taking care of her sick husband and the 6 stepchildren left by wife number 2.

Now, wife number one has cancer.

2)

A teenager met an accident and became paralysed.

Father is also paralysed.

Mother stopped working because she needs to take care of both of them.

Sisters stopped schooling and have to work to support the family.

3)

Husband and wife. Husband married a second wife.

Wife was pregnant with their first child.

Wife passed away during delivery.

Wife's mother fell sick and warded.

Child passed away two days later.

Wife's Father passed away on the same day.

Whenever I am sad, I try to remember the story from the glorious days of Islam. About a woman who lost all of her sons (six of them if I am not mistaken).

She always looked so happy despite the series of terrible deaths of her sons. One person thought she was the happiest person that person has ever met. So, that person asked her what's her secrets.

She then told that person that she was actually very lonely because all of her loved ones had gone. The only thing that kept her happy was the thought that all of them died in the holy war and she was glad that all her sons died a shahid.

So, don't be sad with your life unless you actually have a sad life.

Anyway, I found out that my sister was not very happy with me.
I didn't realize until I read what she wrote.

Basically, some relatives came from far so I treated my family member with lunch at a nice restaurant. It wasn't intended but I had my credit card with me so I offered myself to pay.

It wasn't too expensive, I would say, for 15 heads.

As usual, the pakciks and makciks were praising my generosity and they thought I was rich. My sister pulak terasa and makan hati.

So, in this case, was it my fault that she was hurt?

She mentioned things like, just because I work as this, just because I studied there, just because I am more outspoken than her, they thought I am all great, but they don't know that I come home late until 2-3am, sometimes I am being rude to my parents, etc etc.

Now that I am actually jotting it down, the things she said about me, ouch, it hurts!

If only she knows how sometimes I envy her in ways she'd never imagine.

If only she knows how I look myself in disgust, sometimes, I probably hate myself more than she hates me.

2011-01-23T16:26:00.001+08:00

(Note: The previous post was written one day after his death. This was written about two weeks after)

Today is only a few days after 2 weeks of Father's passing.

I went back to work three days after is burial. I was strong. Like I said before, I keep telling myself that probably it was better for him to go when he was at home.

I was at the hospital the other day. I stood by a client's side when the doctor told the patient's family the devastating news.
"Orang, kalau dah lebih usia 50tahun, jantungnya akan jadi lemah."
Immediately, my eyes were filled up with tears. 'But this patient is still young. Father was still young!' I thought to myself. I excused myself and gathered the courage to face the day.

The next day, I learned that that particular client of mine passed away. For the first time of my life, I felt so attached to her, that I sobbed uncontrollably = she just reminded me so much of Father.

One lonely night, I laid on my bed. At the end of the line, was my ever faithful boyfriend, who accompanied my sleepless night. Softly, I told him my many regrets,

I was half-convinced that Father hated me.

"Abang, Abang rasa Father lebih sanggup mati daripada nikahkan I dengan you?"
Probably that was his wish. He was against us so much, probably that was Father's doa in front of the Kaabah.

My boyfriend said: "Sayang tak boleh fikir macam tu. Semua kerja Tuhan. Awal atau lewat mati. Father doa yang terbaik untuk anak dia. Supaya awak dapat suami yang soleh. Father dah restu perkahwinan kita. Family you pun dah boleh terima Abang. Mestilah dia nak nikahkan kita tapi tak kesampaian kerana panggilan Ilahi."

"Abang ingat sebelum Father pergi Mekah, Abang jumpa dia dan makan sekali dengan dia."

I became even more sad because, "Abang dapat duduk and makan dengan dia but I tak sempat nak berborak before dia pergi Mekah. Lepas balik dari Mekah pun tak sempat bercakap."

Oh, my God. It is so hard to type all this.

Many things ran through my mind like
How my children woundn't get to know their grandFather
Who would kiss me on my forehead on the day of my nikah
etc etc

Up to the point that it made me so angry that my boyfriend didn't wed me earlier!

Me: Kenapa cepat sangat pergi?
People: Sabar, Ectopy. Orang baik memang Tuhan sayang, mati cepat. Dia meninggal pun tak susah.

Dear Father,
Even if you hated me, I love you and I hope you forgive me even though I probably had hurt you for so many times before.

2011-01-18T18:54:00.002+08:00

Everything fell into places on the day the Angel of Death took Father's life away from his mortal body (atas izin Allah).

It was a few days after his return from the holy land of Mecca.

I was at work when I received the call. I kinda knew what to expect upon hearing my brother's voice, something urgent, big, something to prepare for the worst.

In the usual state of denial, I kept my hope high, staying optimistic, 'Probably just a heart attack,' I thought to myself.

Noone greeted me at home, I slowly went upstairs, when I saw my sobbing family members and the lifeless body of Father on the bed.

Mother, I still remember, was crying and talking at that same time. Among her words were, "Kenapa pergi cepat sangat", "Menyesal tak dapat minta maaf", "Hati dia baik, dia bersih baru balik Mekah", "Dia tak pernah tinggal makan ubat, selalu ikut cakap doktor", "Apa nak buat ni..."

I checked for Father's pulse, I started CPR on him, but Mother said, "Mana boleh dah...Dia dah tak ada, dah biru..."

Slowly, I left the room, 'Father has gone', and the least I could do for him now was to cover my aurat with the newly imported black jubah and grabbed the Yaasin and recited the surah.

God is Great because it was all well planned.

- My sister was scheduled for home that day. She was already on her way when she found out
- Kain ihram = Kain kapan (but in the end, we used the one supplied by the Masjid)
- Father bought minyak attar, which fragrance d his body
- Since my parents just came back from Hajj, we had cash in hand which was for the people who helped in handling the jenazah. We also distributed the kopiah and tasbih
- There were 4 deaths that day, so we had to wait for our turn for the burial of the grave, which allowed my sister to attend the funeral just in time

I am very satisfied with the whole process. I am proud of my family holding it together.

The next day, my aunt came to me and advised us to do prayers for Father. She was saying that Father had worked so hard to give us a good life.

I broke down because I know she was telling the truth. We weren't very well-off before. Father worked from the bottom up to get us here, to live comfortably but he wasn't able to enjoy what he earned because he left at the tender age of 63.

On the same day, Mother asked me, whether Father would survive if he was taken to the doctor earlier. Honestly, I don't know.

And honestly, I prefer him not dying on the hospital bed. It would be too uncomfortable for him. He would hate the needle pricks, he would hate the wires. I would hate the facts if the doctors are unable to save him. I would hate it if other hospital personnel who are unrelated to Father giving distant, unpersonalized comments about Father.

Father died exactly one year after my maternal grandmother passed away.

Personally, I don't give a damn about the date, I think it is useless. Unless we use the Islamic calendar, then I would appreciate the coincidence better.

But I guess, it is alright, as long as it makes it easier for Mother to remember both of her beloved mother and husband.

No doubt I am extremely sad of Father's passing.

My boyfriend and I had always imagined us being finally blessed. Father had always wanted a grandson, so my boyfriend had repeatedly said that once we got married, a boy would be our first child and Father would make him his favourite grandchild. A bond will form and we will be tight.

Father left too early.

Who will I hug with now that Father won't be there to marry me off to my boyfriend?

And forever I would wonder, what did he pray for, especially for me, when he was performing the Hajj?

Semoga ayah saya mendapat Haji mabrur, meninggal dunia dalam iman.

the great depressions

2011-01-13T20:28:00.003+08:00

Hey hey, I owe you guys the detailed post, I actually already drafted them (yes, more than one) since one day after his passing, but I will only post it when the mood comes. Thank you for all the lovely wishes though.

Today, I have an entirely different mood. Very mixed feelings actually.

I am supposed to go out tonight but my friend cancelled our meeting. I don't mind going alone, but I guess I want to write rather than shop at the moment.

So, many of friends are depressed. And I am depressed too after hearing them depressed. The thing is, I don't know whether I am sad on their behalf, or I am simply sad because I feel like I am being left out, so I force myself to be sad just to be one of them.

First great depression.
One friend is depressed because he is having doubt whether or not to proceed with marriage. He said he thinks his fiance is not being faithful. He wants us to tell the truth, but who are we to judge?
I certainly won't go up the point of telling him that his fiance has been feeding other guys, been bertepuk tampar with other guys, er, because I probably have done the same with my guy friends but somehow my friends don't have a problem with it, but still, I terasa lah okay!

So, here is my thought:
I am being supportive, whatever his decision is.

To be on his side, I would say:
Look, if you are having doubt, if you really think you won't be happy with this relationship, you better break it off now. I don't want you to get married just for the sake that you are already engaged to her. You must remember that you can always leave now, it would be much harder if you suddenly decide to leave after you have screwed her. You have to think, by that time, you might already have kids, or shared properties, or your families might be just too involved, or you just spent too much money on your wedding that is it worth it to get separated by then? It is like cancer, the more you wait, it will spread, and it will just consume you.

On the other hand:
Yes, probably she just craves the attentions from all these guys, which is good, because it means she is desirable but you are the one she is going to marry. You already know she is this type since the very beginning, if you really love her, you should've accepted her who she is, the way she is. I am sure she loves you very much, don't worry too much, they are just her friends, you should trust her. Probably you should spend more time with her. What about you, yourself? Do you have another girl? Are you just making excuses to relief yourself from whatever guilt you are having? She told you that it's nothing, why are you still not convinced?

Hmm...

My friends and I were talking about this but they had two very opposing opinions on this.

My male friend said: I think his fiance is not good enough for him. We, as friends, should tell him the truth. We should help and direct him. Do you want to see our friend suffer in pain? Do you want to lie to him? Do you want your friends to lie or not say things they know, if you were in his shoes?

My female friend pulak said: I don't want to see him. I'm scared if I accidentally tell him things that I shouldn't be telling. I don't want to be the cause of their break-up. This is their lives, they should settle it themselves. I don't want to be involved.

Now, do you understand why is this such a dilemma?

Second great depression.
One friend is depressed because of work. He feels unhappy at work and suddenly went missing for a few days. I tried calling for so many times, I thought he lost his mobile phone. I joked around telling people that he probably literally ran away from work.

I had no idea I had psychic power because that exactly what happened. After three days of trying to contact him, he finally answered my call. "Where have you been?" I asked. He said something big had happened and he can't tell me over the phone. We were supposed to meet but circumstances did not permit.

Finally, we just had the talk over the phone and I was so shocked with the whole story that I didn't even know how to respond. I ended up scolding him and said that his decision was bad that it will hunt him for life. Now that I am writing this, I feel bad for not being so supportive.

The good thing is, after the conversation, I actually feel envy. At least he had the guts to say, "I need a break from all this shit," and took a flight to Singapore a few hours later.

"You know, this is not Europe where flight tickets are cheap and you can travel without a passport," I told him. His sense of humour was still intact, "With AirAsia, everyone can fly!"

He should've invited me along for that impromptu trip. I would've accompanied him. We are each other's travel partners!

What bothers me is that he hesitated to tell me about his problem. We are tight, so it shouldn't be an issue of me judging me. Am I not his close friend anymore?

The only explanation I can find is when he told me that one of the early triggers was right after he took an emergency leave to pay me a visit after Father's death. He was probably dying to talk to me but I was in a much greater distress that staying quiet and focusing it all on me was the least he could do.

He said it's not so much of him unable to execute or accomplish the targets of his work, it's just that he is not happy doing it. He keeps thinking whether is this the life he wants, whether is this his dream job. In a way, I admire how he takes charge of his life, in determination to be happy.

Third great depression.
One friend is depressed because he was attacked by her colleague on Facebook. Her colleague have openly expressed her dislike and disgust towards her. Being reasonable, I think her colleague might have her reasons for calling my friend 'bossy' and 'berlagak', but this is my friend we are talking about, so I am taking my friend's side. Of course, at the same time, I am trying to make my friend realize why the help she is thinking giving, are not being appreciated and is being misinterpreted although she means well.

The good news is, she is also going out with this one or two guys that she cannot choose whom she wants. Oh, how I miss being single and being sought after and going out with different guys. Oh, how I miss those tingling feeling of prettiness, those excitements. The courting part is always wonderful!

Anyway, speaking of cat-fight, I have my own version last week. It's more to high-school mean girls type actually. There this one girl that almost everybody hates. I tried being diplomatic everytime we talked about her since she never really directly did anything to annoy/ hurt me. In fact, she was actually quite a sweet thing, if you did not know her (cue to roll my eyes).

Basically, I spoke too soon and she did something to me. My friend quickly reported her bitchiness to me, so I was like, "I thought she has no issue with me!". The reply I got from my friend was, "Ectopy, she has no issue with you, but she just does this to everybody."

So, in the end, I became the member of the hate club. The situation got heated when she messed with the wrong girl, the one who actually speaks her mind. So this other colleague of mine burst and frankly told her that nobody liked her.

This story was fired up very quickly and everybody knows. No more hiding their hatred, that it got public to Facebook, not so direct but still obvious. (This remind me of my third depressed friend)

The little sweet thing was totally oblivious about the fact she has no friends (duh!) and she finally received the shock of her life (snickers snickers). She digested it all for three days and subsequently asked for apologies.

And all the while I was not totally depressed. What lah me! The end.

I was thinking of replying her apology message, but nah, I never was really bothered in the first place. Chapter closed.

My life now is not dramatic at all. My boyfriend is out of radar again, I couldn't contact him and that's why I decided to call my friends for updates. In the end, I get a depression because I have a stable life. Ectopy, be careful of what you are wishing for!

P/S: The other day, I went to a wedding which was planned by Pak Engku. I didn't know how he looks like until he gave me his business card out of nowhere. My friend said, "Nampak sangat muka kau ni muka tak kahwin lagi." With a great comeback, I said, "At least muka aku ni nampak berduitlah, nampak macam bolehlah nak afford dia as my wedding planner."
And we broke into laughters. Bilalah aku nak kahwin ni...

2011-01-08T10:26:00.002+08:00

Pertamanya, saya tidak dapat memahami orang-orang picisan yang berlagak hebat semata-mata mereka bekerja untuk orang hebat, lalu secara tidak langsung, mereka mengenali orang-orang hebat, padahal diri sendiri seorang rakyat jelata yang biasa-biasa sahaja.

"Enjoying the power," as one of my friends put it.

Saya juga tidak memahami orang-orang hebat yang melayan permintaan 'ridiculous' orang-orang yang kurang hebat. Mungkin mereka menjalankan tanggungjawab 'berjiwa rakyat' agaknya.

Natijahnya, rakyat picisan yang tidak mempunyai apa-apa tapi perasan hebat, mulalah naik kepala kerana mendapat layanan istimewa.

Ini tidak adil!

1) Semua orang berhak mendapat layanan sama rata. Miskin atau kaya, sama saja! Itu prinsip saya! Walaupun anda cakap anda adalah rakan baik kepada sekian sekian, ada aku kisah?

2) To begin with, you are not even that great. Setakat pernah berkhidmat untuk sekian sekian, hebat sangat ke? Entah-entah, you pun pernah berkhidmat untuk bapak aku! Kawan-kawan I tu siap ada pertalian darah secara terus (direct) dengan Tan Sri, Dato', Sultan, tapi tak kecoh pun. You don't know because we don't tell. If you knew, you'd be ashamed.

3) Hah, orang-orang atasan ni pun suka melayan orang-orang yang buat kecoh tak tentu pasal semata-mata takut isu tersebut sampai ke peringkat antarabangsa agaknya. Kalau ikut sabda Nabi, baginda cakap lebih kurang macam ni lah maksudnya, "Jangan berdebat dengan orang bodoh."
Tahu kenapa? Sebab, perbuatan berdebat, atau dalam konteks sekarang ini, melayan orang bodoh, bukan sahaja perbuatan yang membuang masa, malah kita pun boleh tertarik jadi bodoh sekali.
Orang bodoh takkan menerima pendapat orang lain. Orang bodoh suka memutar belit. Orang bodoh tidak akan faham perbualan intelek. Orang bodoh adalah bodoh pemikiran dan bodoh sikap. Jikalau hendak berbahas dengan orang bodoh, we have to lower our intellectual to their level. So, do you want to associate yourself with stupid people?

My staff said, "Eh, dia tu nampak educated juga. Cakap English!"

I said, "Akak, setakat cakap English tu, driver taxi pun pandai cakap...Tak apa, nanti Tuhan balas...Satu hari nanti dia akan rasa apa yang kita rasa..."

What makes me stay grounded is when my staff said this: Kalau dia tak rasa pun, mak ayah dia, anak-anak dia akan rasa. Akak dah lama dah kerja, dah banyak kali akak tengok. Percayalah, Tuhan balas sekejap je, kalau tidak pada dia, pada kaum keluarga dia.

That was the drama last week.

Yesterday, I was under pressure to finish work. I was trying my best to do it all, while my boss just stood there watching and said, "What is it taking you so long?"

Sangat marah!

My other staff, an elderly, could have been as old as my aunt, sat down and said this, "Kenapalah awak pilih kerja ni? Kita kena pilih kerja yang buat kita happy."

Off she continued her lecture on how we must take care of our parents, how she took care of her paralysed father-in-law for 10 years without any health complications, how she was able to go on holidays with a stroke patient, how successful her children are and how proud her husband would have been if he was still alive to see them.

And I broke down.

So I said, "Sorry, kak, saya sedih sebab ayah saya baru meninggal."

My colleague saw, asked what happened, I told him, "Nothing, I was just reminded about my father."

Later on, I excused myself to the toilet and gathered my courage to face the day.

2010-12-28T00:03:00.003+08:00

2010-12-10T19:17:00.003+08:00

1)
Him: Tadi I jumpa Abang Amir, dia tanya pasal you. I cakap, I dah lama tak jumpa you sebab parents you pergi Mekah, kita tak boleh jumpa.
Me: Uh-huh...
Him: Abang Amir cakap, "Alimnya kau ni..." Abang cakap, "Mestilah kena jaga, ni nak buat bini ni!"

(Love love)

2)
Him: Tengah buat apa?
Me: Boring...Tak tahu nak buat apa...Abang, Majalah Tiga cerita pasal kucing...
Him: Yeke? Abang nak pergi tengok lah...
Me: ...(Phone disconnected)...

He chose the cats over me!

3) I know my boyfriend so well that I noticed he called me more frequent than usual- three times during lunch time, and a few more after that.

After work, he called me again. This time, I was alone in the car and not surrounded by my colleagues, so I asked him straight, "What happened today? Kenapa you call I banyak kali hari ni?"

Bf: You ni, I call pun salah, I tak call pun salah!
Me: Tak de lah...Kenapa you ni? Lain macam je...
Bf: Rindu girlfriend sendiri pun tak boleh ke?
Me: Eleh, rindu ke? Semalam I hantar gambar, you terus tidur, tak cakap apa-apa pun!

The night before, I sent an MMS to my boyfriend wearing a traditional costume. I just bought it and was so excited to let my boyfriend see it.

Bf: I suka lah you pakai baju tu. Comel gila...Tadi I siap tunjuk gambar tu dekat kawan I, dia cakap awak cantik, muka manja.

Then he laughed.

Bf: Sebab tu I call you banyak kali hari ni, sebab takut ada orang nak tackle you. Biar diorang tau you dah ada suami dah!
Me: Kan I dah agak dah! You lain macam hari ni sebab kawan you puji I, lepas tu suddenly you nak sebok-sebok call I pulak! Hahaha! Takutlah tu!

4) My boss is having a scandal with my colleague and I don't like it.

Not because I am jealous, but because my boss is married with kids and the whole department knows about it because they are not being discrete at all!

I used to respect him because I thought he was a nice, good-looking, decent boss. Now, I question his credibility.

Another colleague tried talking to the mistress, but she said, "He's all worth it."

Bitch.

Eee, I tak suka betullah! Kesian wife dia! I hate them both! I hate men. Lelaki jahat!

2010-12-04T13:30:00.002+08:00

Message received:
"Salam, just want to share starting next month Jan 2011 all the foreign workers "maids, restaurant waiters, cleaners" will get privilage to admit at PRIVATE HOSPITAL payable by their employers insurance company. If your company provide room sharing with 2 or 4 or 6 ppl in a room and u plan to upgrade plan to SINGLE ROOM cuz don't want to share room with those kind of ppl...do contact me by today..tq"

I am so annoyed when I got the message, I wish I had the nerve to tell her off. And the way she emphasized her words, siap buat capital letters lagi...Please lah!

How could you label foreign workers, the maid, the restaurant waiters and the cleaners, as 'those kind of people' as if they don't deserve to live!
What kind of mentality is this!

Hina sangat ke diorang tu sampai tak mahu share sebilik dengan diorang dalam hospital!

Well, you know what, I will never buy any insurance policy from you, Miss You-think-you-are-so-great!

I don't like it when we are treated different from each other just because of our social status. No matter how insignificant a person is, that person must have at least do some contribution to our society.

You downgrade your maids, your restaurant waiters and you cleaners, I want to see how you survive without them. Probably one of your family members will become one and I want to see how you handle it.
And you are so stupid, you have no idea how some of these foreign workers actually contribute to generate our economy, don't you?

I don't know why I am so emo about this.

Oh, yes, probably because I have been in foreign countries and I have seen how my smart friends who did odd jobs to support themselves. I have seen how some employers think we had very low IQs but for the matter of facts, we were studying to become professionals who automatically ensure us to earn way more than them!
I have seen how some employers treat us so badly but guess what, we come very good families, our parents can afford way more than our employers could, but we did what we did just because...

Humans are all the same!
And it is not so bad to share a hospital rooms with 'those kind of people'.

Karma will hunt you one day.

My friend and I were talking the other day. He was in distress because he was having some issues with a colleague. He said the only thing that held him back from committing a revenge is the advice he received from our boss.

Our boss said, "Just remember, never be a bad person. Not even to your staffs. Because you don't know, someday, your staff will become your boss. As for me, for example, I used to coach *Jenny. Now, *Jenny is working as my colleague, and she is even doing our schedule. Could you imagine what she can do to me if I was bad towards her years ago?"

2010-11-27T11:40:00.002+08:00

Me: So, how are things?

Bf: Everything's okay.

Me: How's Adam?

Bf: Okay.

Me: Andrew?

Bf: Okay.

(Okay this was getting boring, so I returned my focus to Adam, my boyfriend's good-looking bestfriend :) )

Me: Adam bagi apa untuk birthday girlfriend dia?

Bf: Entah, I tak tanya.

Me: Girlfriend dia bagi apa untuk birthday Adam?

Bf: Perfume kot.

Me: Boring lah girlfriend Adam ni! Baik I yang couple dengan Adam! Hehehe...

Bf: I ketuk kepala you karang!

Me: Hahahaha...You tau tak, orang cakap, 'Jikalau sayangkan burung, biarkan burung itu terbang bebas. Kalau burung itu memang untuk mu, burung itu akan terbang kembali kepadamu'.

Bf: Mana boleh! Kalau ada orang lain tangkap burung tu, macam mana dia nak terbang dah! Falsafah mana you ambil ni. Salah! Tak boleh guna pakai! Biarlah burung tu mati dalam sangkar Abang, jangan mati dalam sangkar orang lain!

Me: Hahahahaha!

Bf: (Laughs) Pandai-pandai je you berfalsafah ye...

Me: I baca dalam blog orang lah!

2010-11-20T20:55:00.002+08:00

As much as sometimes, I wish to leave the country and work somewhere else, last night and today made me glad that I had not. I don't like the Malaysian working mentality, but I guess I have to make it tolerable.

1) Even though my aunt is nearing her 7th decade, she knows how to use Facebook. Ehem. Auntie moden ni...And so, she uploaded the photos of her and her spouse, touring Europe because I have a cousin who married a local and lives there.

Nice. I want to go there someday. Then, I saw the photo of another aunt (let's name her aunt number 2) who lives 24 hours away from Malaysia, also in Europe together with my aunt and uncle. But aunt number 2 is with a Mat Salleh. So, I guess, the Mat Salleh is her new boyfriend.

Aunt number 2 has two children, the first is even older than me. And now she has a new boyfriend, I didn't even know she was divorced because Mother told me she was not. I guess, the correct term to use is aunt number 2 and her husband bukan Melayu is separated.

Giving the state I am in right now, in terms of faith, I don't think I'd be able to resist all the temptations there are overseas. For me, the people who can survive far from their comfort zones, and still have their feet grounded, are the strongest people around. Their foundations are so strong that you could put them anywhere and they will still be the same.

I am fortunate to be protected by a familiar environment. Kalau tak, mesti dah sesat juga.

2) Last night, I received a call from Peter.

"Buat apa? Jom keluar minum?"

I asked, "Dengan siapa?"

"Dengan orang biasa lah..."

Orang biasa would be Peter, Zainal, Joe and I. We were classmates when we were in highschool. We were together for only two years, but I am so glad that we are still in touch after more than 10 years.

We used to be really close, but after school, we went separate ways. Peter were kicked out from school even before SPM (he sat for SPM in another school), Zainal went to Japan and Joe studied in a local university.

Peter is the one who always get people together. And he also includes me most of the time. Like last night. We meet up probably once a year, or once every three months, but our phone numbers never change and it is always easy to contact them.

See, I could never join the late night sessions if I were abroad.

However, I don't understand with the girls in my class. A couple of them are getting married in December and they don't even bother to ask for my address. Sure, their status says: "Please leave your address in my message box" but that's not enough! It's so not personal, so distant, so ajak-ajak ayam.

Don't ever do that! It's rude!

I've shared a couple years with them, they were like my sisters back in school. Maybe that's why it hurts me. If they had invited me properly, I would have taken a leave and willingly go as far as I have to just to be a part of their big days.

I won't do that to any of my guests. I would personally message them via phone or Facebook and say something like, "Hi. How are you? Just to let you know that I am getting married and it will be a great pleasure if you can come. It's a good excuse to see you after a very long time. I really hope you can make it" or something like that.

I wouldn't care if my fingers break for typing it to so many people as long as people can sense my sincerity in having them at my special ceremony.

I know Peter, Joe or Zainal will never do that to me. They will even ask me out for minum-minum before they tie the knot. I know this because Joe did ask us out the night before his engagement and we actually sat down and talk until 4am.

Entahlah. Perhaps girls just don't like me. I better stick to my male friends.

Or I should start growing up and learn not to care. It's just a stupid wedding. Tak payah la nak amik hati sangat.

2010-11-19T11:27:00.002+08:00

Lately, financial issues have become very sensitive for my boyfriend. Honestly, I don't mind at all, but somehow, he would get offended with what I said even though I meant it differently.

Apparently, we are not the only couple who fight about this.

I have a married friend who one day, came to work looking glum.

Then, she told me that her life after marriage is not all flowers and candies.

I asked her what was wrong, so she spilled to me about her stingy husband.

Her husband makes, on average, 6 digits monthly salary. He's young and successful but he is very protective about his money. My friend wants her husband to buy her this and that, but her husband said, "Why can't you use your own money? You are working and make good money as well."

How could he compare, someone who makes less than RM10k per month, with someone who earns hundred thousands of ringgit per month!

Anyway, this husband sometimes left a RM50 not to my friend in the morning, which my friend commented, "My father also gave me RM50 when I was 17! I feel like a schoolkid! He is so rich, but RM50?!"

I understand where she's coming from. It's not about the amount of money that he gives, but the generosity. Why does he let his wife ask when he can simply give without being asked to?

My friend however feels bad herself, "Perhaps I am tamak. It's probably my fault. I am asking too much, am I?"

I tried to be diplomatic, I really don't want to take sides, so I said, "Come on, I'm sure your boyfriend spends on something. My boyfriend always spends on his jeans and clothes."

"He spends on his gadgets. Our house is very canggih one. But that doesn't count."

"What about cars? You can choose whatever car you choose to drive, right?"

"Yes, but there are all under his names."

Hm...

"Next time, when you go shopping, you just ask. Maybe he's the type who needs to be asked."

"I ask many times. He does buy me things, but after much of nagging and eventually reluctantly buy the designer handbags I want. He could afford them, but why is it so hard for me to get them?"

"Maybe he was raised not to spend so much. He wasn't all the time rich, I assume?"

"Yes. His family wasn't very well-off until he started this business."

"See...That's why...Look, why don't you ask for something that you guys can do together. Like go have vacations or something."

"I tried! He doesn't want! I don't mean to brag, but we could go to London every week if we want to, but nak pergi sekali setahun pun dia taknak! We could have stayed in a nice hotel, but he'd choose a simple 3-star hotel."

I finally gave up and said, "Next time, you tell your husband, you simpan duit banyak banyak nak buat apa hah!!!"

She smiled a bit. "It's not so much about the money, you know. It's just that he is the husband. He has the responsibility to take care of me. He is the one who is supposed to support me. I don't feel like I am married. I love him. But...I don't know lah. Maybe we got married too young."

"What about your birthday?"

"I don't get anything for my birthday. And our anniversary is coming up. I don't whether I have the mood to celebrate it. Why must I buy him a present when he doesn't buy me anything? I don't care, next time, I am going to ask for the most expensive diamond ring and he better buys it to me!"

Isn't it ironic that people who have loads of money, fight about money?

I hope my boyfriend realizes that I love him whether he is rich or not. I hate it to be extra careful in my conversation just so he doesn't get overly sensitive if I talk the material world.

(Sigh)

relationships

2010-11-14T17:11:00.004+08:00

I love just sitting at home doing nothing. Er, if surfing the Internet is considered nothing.

My boyfriend called just now,
Him: Hai, Sayang!
Me: Hai, Sayang!
Him: Hai, Sayang!
Me: Hai, Sayang!
Him and I screaming: Hai, Sayanggggg!!!

(Laughs) I love it when we act silly together!

Me: You ni, layan je I...Cuba sekali sekala tu you tak layan I...
Him: I rasa you sayang I sebab I selalu layan you kan?

(Laughs)

Him: Tengah buat ape?
Me: Tengok gambar orang kahwin. Abang, jom lah kahwin.
Him: Kita kahwinlah, Sayang...
Me: Cantiklah diorang ni kahwin. Mekap cantik, baju cantik...Tapi mahal lah...
Him: Agak-agak kita kahwin nanti, cantik tak?
Me: Mestilah I cantik! You, I tak tahulah...

(Laughs)

Him: You ni, dari dulu sampai sekarang suka kenakan I! Walaupun I tak handsome, I tetap suami you tau!

(Laughs)

I am in love.

Last week, I befriended with a colleague. She asked a lot about my boyfriend, and I willingly told her about him

Friend: Boyfriend you sounds like someone who is baik hati.
Me: Memang dia baik pun. I rasa kalau dia tak baik, mesti I dah tinggalkan dia. Because he
doesn't have anything else. He's not rich, not handsome, he is just so kind-hearted. (Smiles)

Friend: Why aren't you with Brad P? You guys would make a great couple.
Me: Because, if me and him were to happen, it's like bertepuk sebelah tangan. Eh, no, mana-mana tangan pun tak bertepuk. Besides, Brad P has too many admirers. He's genuinely nice to everyone.
Friend: Yes, I understand what you mean. I know he doesn't do it intentionally to play with their hearts, but some girls might take it wrongly.
Me: I can never imagine my boyfriend treating all girls the way Brad P does. Kalau dia buat jugak, siap dia!

Yesterday, I received a call from my good friend, Jack.
Jack: Cuti?
Me: Yes.
Jack: Plan apa hari ni?
Me: Tak ada plan lagi. Tengah tengok TV ni.
Jack: I baru balik kerja ni...Nak lepak kejap. Tak tahu nak ajak siapa.
Me: Your girlfriend?
Jack: Yeah lah! I totally forgot about her! Dah lama I tak contact dia!
Me: Oh, my God! Jack, tak baik lah buat macam tu!
Jack: Dia pun tak contact I jugak...Jom keluar.
Me: Pergi mana? I nak makan! I dah lama tak makan yang sedap-sedap!

And so, we decided to meet at Pavillion.

Jack: Hari tu, Samsul belikan chocolate Godiva ni untuk girlfriend dia.
Me: Oh, my God! Bencinya diorang ni! Bestnya jadi girlfriend Samsul!
Jack: I rasa, Samsul tu tak patutlah...
Me: What do you mean tak patut? Diorang bukannya ada problem pun kan...
Jack: Yeah, but I think Samsul is pampering his girlfriend too much. He's always buying things for her and she rarely buys him things...
Me: Biarlah!
Jack: I think, and this is not only me thinking, Samsul je yang gives all the efforts to make their relationship works.
Me: Samalah macam you and your girlfriend kan!
Jack: (Laughs) That's because she wants me, bukan I yang nak kat dia!

I don't know how else to advice this dear friend of mine.

Too many mistakes since the very beginning.

His girlfriend has been waiting for him for so long. Until one fine day, they went out, and the girl poured her heart out about liking him.
Jack was touched, but being the typical guy that he is, he was unable to refuse her. I mean, she is a girl, he is a guy, there was girl who was throwing herself at him!

The girl even cried in tears of joy/ gladness when he said that he would give it a try.

OMG.

Once I found he is already in a relationship and the fact the girl cried in front of him, I told Jack that he better not breaks this girl's heart.

I know Jack and I know he is not so serious about this girl. I told him to take it slow and be truthful.

Jack said, "I am taking it slow. I told her this is a trial."

Yeah, right. He is not even being a good boyfriend to her so far.

I don't want to be a bad friend and lead him to a break-up, but I know sooner or later, things are going to get ugly. That's why I encourage him to call her, meet her, but he is always delaying it. I don't know whether he is intentionally doing it so that the girl would call it off instead of him.

I AM AGAINST FORCED/ OPPORTUNISTIC/ CONVENIENT LOVE.
I don't believe it will last and it will only cause pain.

And I don't understand why people want to rush into being in love just because "That person is nice, comes from a good family, has a good job."
People should wait until they meet someone who makes their hearts spark, not just because someone is there, so better grab him/ her.

You should be with the person who makes you truly happy. It's worth the wait.

2010-11-06T21:59:00.002+08:00

This morning, I received an early morning call from my boyfriend. With his obvious just-woke-up-from-sleep voice, he asked me, "Do you love me?"

He asked whether I love him or not, at the wrong hour. It was 7am! Perlukah?

"Kenapa setiap hari you mesti tanya soalan yang sama?"

Him: Sebab Dato' Fadzilah Kamsah kata, nak tambah kasih sayang kena cakap 'I love you' hari-hari. Kena tanya selalu. Kalau dah malas nak jawab tu, maksudnya ada problem.

Me: I tanak ikut cakap Dato' Fadzilah Kamsah!

Seriously, I don't know why people would listen to his motivational talks. So not cool.

As most of you have probably know, I deal a lot with third class citizens. These are the people I wouldn't know existed if I didn't accept this job.

So, I met with this one family whom I pity so much. They are so poor.

"Kasihannya..." I said, regretting the poverty and cruelty that we have in this world.

"Boss, tak payah nak kasihan dekat orang macam ni...Diorang cukup sifat, boleh bekerja, antara rajin atau malas je..." said of my staffs.

Though I have to agree with her, but I also feel that the world could be unfair and with all the selfish rich people around, it must be so hard to come out from the bottom and beat the odds with the limited sources that you have.

I never deny that I am at where I am now, just because I am blessed with a good family with good connections and I went to good schools my entire life. I grew up in a controlled environment, so I turned out okay and fortunate. Even with that, sometimes, I feel that it is so difficult to keep up.

One person asked me, why I didn't go all out to capture the snatch thief who hit me and broke my car. There were CCTVs, I could have done the 'kawad cam' or described him to an artist. But I did not. I made a police report, I slept and I went back to work as usual.
I never gave my answers.

Actually, I really don't care if a person is a drug addict, a criminal, or simply plain lazy, because I just cannot believe a person is born evil. They just got on the wrong foot, mixed with the wrong crowd, grew up in a broken family. Deep down, they are good, it's just that we have to dig in into their rotten souls to find it.
Some people are desperate. I probably would have done the same if I were in their shoes.
I am trying not to judge these people. I don't want to punish them without knowing, ignoring the, 'What about the good things they have done in their lives, do we ever acknowledge those?' I let the justice to be done by God, because afterall, the hardest thing is to be a just leader.

Come on, even the prostitute who fed water to the dog in the desert is forgiven by God, why can't I?

I wish we can do more to help, no matter what nationality or race or faith we believe in. We are all human.

From experience, I always want to help but I don't know where to start. I have a lot of clothes that I don't want to wear anymore.
Previously, before my family moved to this current residence, I live in an open, friendly neighbourhood where donations could be collected freely. Beggars would come knocking on our doors asking to buy silly things (keropok lah, sticker ayat-ayat Quran lah) and Mother would serve them with water (because they are usually so tired from walking under the scorching hot sun) and then, open up our shoe rack and ask the kids to pick pairs of shoes, or Mother would bring down used clothes and give them away.

I don't get people doing that anymore. It's probably because now we live in a guarded community, gates are closed and I don't think they are allowed to go up the apartments. It's so sad.

So, please, I urge my readers to contribute. The easiest that I've found so far is
http://www.cimbclicks.com.my/cimbcares.htm

Or maybe, the next time you decide to bernazar, why not bernazar to donate some money instead of fasting for a change?

Have I ever told you how much I love Amazing Race? I even sometimes imagine myself in the race, winning! But who would I choose to be my partner? Definitely not my boyfriend. He is not very competitive and I don't think he has what it takes to win, haha, sorry, boyfriend, but it's true!

Besides, friends as a team is so much more fun than couples on a team. Couples are usually too emotional.

Having watched the latest Amazing Race on AXN makes me feel like going to Sweden and Russia. I also want to go Norway, Japan, Egypt, Italy etc.

I wish I have the money and ample of time to enjoy myself there.

Money. Tadi baru ajak suruh menderma, sekarang dah nak belanja pergi jalan-jalan pulak.

Aku manusia yang tak pernah puas. Heh.

2010-10-21T23:30:00.003+08:00

I love vacations.
Because I can dress up.
People give compliments on my look.
And take photos with me because I have style.

:)

The nice people make me believe I still have it.

Yahoo!

in pursue of a purse

2010-10-12T12:36:00.002+08:00

Yeay! On a happier note, I am no longer sad, because, well, I shall not dwell on the past. I've already accepted the fact that it's simply parts and parcels of life and I am currently in the phase of mending myself back to my usual.

So, I am wondering whether we have a River Island store in Malaysia.

I thought I've seen it once, probably about two to three years ago. I remember the items were sold expensively but I can't remember the location.

I thought it was in Pavilion but when I looked through the directory, the store was nowhere to be found. I know there's none in KLCC, so, I think lah, the store is somewhere in the building opposites of KLCC. I can't recall the name of the building! Grr, it makes me so angry, even my boyfriend can't help.

I've tried to Google it but to no avail.

I am in need for a new purse. My old purse is a favourite. Why? Because it's cheap, small, unique and so pretty (superb combination, I must say)! It's a kiddy purse and I bought it for about RM25, could you believe it? However, because it is cheap, I think, the material has kinda already fallen to places.

My next one has to be small, unique and pretty, too, but not necessarily cheap. My friends, the two guys that I keep mentioning, especially the new one, keep pushing me to increase my shopping budget because he thinks I am being too cheap. Haha. I am not stingy, I am simply careful with my expenditure.

He is always like, "Ectopy, buy it! If you like it, just buy it. Don't think. You will never buy anything if you think. Ectopy, buy! Buy! I am buying more than you!"
Why can't he just offer, "If you don't buy, I'll buy it for you!" Haha, dream on...

My purse has to be small so that it can easily fit into my pocket. Sometimes, I don't like to carry my handbag just for a movie or dinner. Just my purse and mobile phone. Do you know how much stuffs they are in my handbag? It's so heavy, I tend to chuck everything in it hence the avoidance of carrying my heavy handbag every time I get the chance. So, that's why my purse has to be small and presentable.

A purse is a good investment, no?

Actually, they are not too expensive lah, probably a little over a hundred bucks, but I like it just because it is small, pretty and I know the brand is not very well recognized in Malaysia. I don't like seeing people having the same stuffs as mine. That's why I don't go ga-ga over Guess, MNG, LV and Gucci. Too many imitations and too popular that everybody wants them. (No offense, but that's just how I am)

Kalau ikutkan hati, I nak beli online je, but River Island don't ship to Malaysia! :(

Which one of the above shall I buy? Personally, I like the first one better but it's not so convenient as it can be easily stained. The second one is nice too, it is bright, happy and daring.

But first, I need to find the River Island store in Malaysia! Gah.

2010-10-11T00:19:00.006+08:00

Hello.
Thank you for thinking my posts have calming effect at least to one of my readers.

But you are not alone, because writing in this blog brings some sort of calmness to myself too. Like today, I stay up late, just so I could write my soul down.

Sunday was yesterday's news and I am so glad that the week is over. I had such a bad week, very bad week that my eyes are all puffy. I've never cried so much since...two years ago? Everyone seemed to notice too:

- Are you okay? You look tired.
I smiled, I lied, I said, "Yes, I am a bit tired."

- You cried?
I smiled, I lied, I said, "No, I took a nap just now."
She asked, "You sure? Because your eyes are red."
I smiled, I lied, I said, "Yes, I just woke up from my sleep."

- You look terrible. You should go home and have some rest.
I smiled, I lied, I said, "I am okay."

- Ectopy, how are you?
I smiled, I lied, I said, "I am fine."

I used to think I was really, really good in hiding my emotions. Guess I have lost the talent. I don't know what happened to me. I used to possess this great confidence, that I actually believed nothing could break me, no matter what.

When I was young, things are much simpler. I believed that all I needed to do is to smile and I will be alright. I still smile now, but I carry a lot of stories behind my smiles that people actually can detect if I am not being myself.

Outside this cyber world, I am this funny, cheerful, carefree person and I maintain good relationships with a lot of people. I don't judge people too quickly. I don't really mind if many people hate the same person, as long as he/ she has never done a foul onto me, I am okay and I treat them the same.

Because of this, a lot of people don't know that I can be depressed too. And I don't like to be depressed.

I had a morning walk just today. It was impromptu, my heart told me me too. Just walk. Be outside, not home, not in the car, not at work, not online, but outside.

I walked for a good 20 minute, which reminded me of college. I used to walk so much back then. Alone. But college was different, it was safer and it was normal because so many people walked.

Anyway, I have good friends, even though I don't tell absolutely anyone about what really happened. One of them actually left me a note and some food while I was gone. I don't know if he knew I wouldn't have the appetite to eat.
That was nice. It made me smile a little bit longer.

Nowadays, I get to know myself better, I find that I don't eat when I am sad. I just don't have the appetite. Actually, I don't have any mechanisms whatsoever to overcome my sadness. I was never the impulsive shopper or binge eater. When I am sad, I avoid to cry but always surrender to crying in reality.

I called my boyfriend. He doesn't know what's going on (I told you that I don't tell anyone at all about my current problem) but the great thing about him is he did not push me into telling him.

Him: Sayang selsema ke?
Me: Kenapa? Suara I lain ke? (Force laughs) You tengah buat apa?
Him: (5 minutes of meaningless conversation). Okaylah, abang kena kerja.
Me: Abang...
Him: Ya, sayang?

I was so sad that I had tears in my eyes.

Me: You tak ada cerita ke? (I like stories)
Him: Pagi lagilah...Mana ada cerita sekarang. Petang nanti baru ada cerita...
Me: Tell me something funny.
Him: Hm...Semalam Abang mandikan Snow White (the cat). Abang pakai shampoo Abang. Lepas tu, Abang letak dalam sangkar, pasang kipas bagi kering.
(More happy conversation)

I finally let him go after I was satisfied.

That afternoon, I called him again. This time, I admitted that I was sad. He said that I should be patient and stay sincere. He said everybody has his/ her own obstacles and he knows that I am smart and strong enough to solve my problems.

Abang: Sayang jangan sedih-sedih. Nanti Abang sembahyang hajat untuk Sayang okay?

I don't care whether he executes what he said or not. But I like the way he reminds me to be the best person I can/ should be, always. Stay grounded and ingat Tuhan selalu.

Sometimes, at times like this, I wonder why I chose this path.

So, I look at happy/ beautiful pictures to cheer me up!

Oh, I just received a text from my boyfriend:
I tak nak tengok you sedih lagi. I nak tengok you sentiasa gembira and abang tak suka orang yang menyakiti hati you.

Thank you. :)

2010-10-06T02:37:00.000+08:00

These past few weeks have been crazy for me. Work pace is increasingly quicker and I am filling my time with so many activities, home has become a place for me to sleep and have showers.

As usual, my post will be about random things I have encountered and manage to remember and translate them into writings.

1) To achieve civilization, think civilized.

I was busy over the weekend, so tired but needed to come to work. I met a client who asked a lot of questions. I politely answer them, standing by the rules: Kerja kena ikhlas. Besides, my clients don't deserve my bad mood just because I had a long, tiring day.
Then, she told me about her financial problems, she said, "Suami ada masalah kewangan sikit. Hari tu, anak sakit masuk hospital, kena bayar RM200..."

RM200 sounds little to me. In fact, I just spent RM180 on a water activity on the very same day. And there I was, meeting someone who had a difficult time to even pay for her daughter medical bills.

I should do more to contribute, kan?

This reminds me of the time when I had a Mat Salleh friend. At that time, the tax salary was hiking up due to the recession. 45%-60% would be deducted from their salaries (according to professions) to cover for the country losses.

While, us, Malaysians, would have completely flipped over this matter (if it ever happened to Malaysia), my Mat Salleh friend actually was supporting his government move. According to him, the more tax deduction, the better, because he wants his countrymen to share his wealth and he understands that the tax will be used to improvise the country as a whole.

My boyfriend argues that some advanced/ Western countries can afford to become welfare countries because they are rich.

But my boyfriend and I both agree that in order to achieve a great country status, the citizens need a paradigm shift. We have to think like civilized people think.

Bukannya berfikir, "Perdana Menteri ni jahat nak makan duit rakyat."

Sebenarnya, kita sendiri yang kedekut.

If we really think far, we can actually use the money to help poor people, the people can have free education or health service or free water, don't we all want that?

And we also whine that the petrol price is expensive, why can't the government subsidize just everything, sugar, rice, petrol, cars, everything lah! 'Kerajaan ni tak pandai jaga rakyat lah...'

I think, at the moment, we are quite okay because we only have to pay RM1 per visit to see the government doctors. It is very cheap to pay RM3 per night at the hospital, meals included!

We are being discharged with MCs and free medications! And how many of us actually use this privilege to get free medications for the rest of the families (even extended ones and neighbours) even though we could afford to pay for them.

I've seen it too many times. We like free stuff, who doesn't? But when it comes to giving back, we are quite a stingy society.

Tolong jangan kolot.

2)

Sorry for being emo up there.

I couldn't wait for the vacation I desperately need, a break from the hectic work life.

My friend, Jack, is quite weird. He's single and going out with Flora and Gina.

When I asked, which girl he likes, he said he likes Gina better.

Obvious choice, Gina is prettier.

Me: Are you bringing anybody to our vacation?
Jack: I am thinking of bringing Flora.
Me: But I thought you like Gina better.
Jack: So? Flora is a friend. Is it wrong to bring a friend to a vacation?

Men are weird. They keep sending us mixed/ wrong signals. And when we misinterpret, kita juga yang malu.

Dumb.

3)

My boyfriend is getting more and more jealous as the days go by.

Since my good friend Farid came back to Malaysia, we have been really clingy. Well, not so, I am just exaggerating.
I meant, we spend a lot of time together because that's what good friends do!

I used to think my boyfriend is more jealous of Rahim. Rahim is a new friend but we are like best friends now, so that makes my boyfriend suspicious. That's understandable, but to be jealous with Farid, that's hilarious!

Now, I can proudly say I have three men in my life, my boyfriend, Farid and Rahim.
Please note that these 3 men are the people who know me THE MOST. I don't know la, somehow I open up easier with them than with girls.
I love my boyfriend the most, of course.

And I am so happy that when I introduce Farid to Rahim, they click really well!

The other day, the plan was to go shopping with Farid. So, I picked him up and decided to beraya at Rahim's house. Rahim wanted to join so he followed.

Me: Abang, I tengah shopping dengan Farid and Rahim.
Bf: You ni...Kalau kawan-kawan I tahu girlfriend I keluar dengan lelaki lain...
Me: Ala, you tau tak, I rasa macam Farid dengan Rahim tu pulak couple. I dekat women's section ni, dioang entah mana tah, tinggalkan I!

Hahaha.

The other day pulak, Farid asked me out twice but I rejected him both times. At around 6pm, on the same day, he called again and insisted to meet, so I finally said Yes. He must have been really bored to invite me for a dinner after two rejections.

Text received: Abang nak main bola ni...
Text sent: I nak keluar ni...

Call received:
Bf: You nak keluar pergi mana ni?
Me: Keluar makan dengan Farid.
Bf: Tak bagitau I awal-awal pun...
Me: Dia baru je call ajak keluar. Lepas tu dia kata nak datang in 15 minutes.

Call ended.

Text sent:
Boleh tak I keluar ni? It's nothing lah, kan Farid tu kawan je...

Another text sent:

"You kena faham. Farid, even Rahim, are like brothers to me. You tau kan I memang tak berapa rapat dengan family. I tinggal jauh sejak kecil. So, I make my friends my family. They know me so well for so long. I sayang diorang, but I love you more because I am going to marry you. I may look like sometimes I don't care about you, but I do. I don't know how to convince you that I love you."

And that's exactly how I feel.

2010-09-02T23:51:00.002+08:00

People are often surprised of how cool is my relationship with my boyfriend.

He is the guy I am going to marry, hence I don't find any problem to open up to him about absolutely nothing/ anything/ everything.

Lately, I have been talking about Brad P a lot, ain't I? I'm sure a lot of you guys have the perception that I am falling for him.

The sure thing is, I am not. Phew, that is such a huge relief.

Just now, by accident, Brad P told me something I didn't know about Vivien. It made me furious, because, yes, Vivien is my friend first, I've known her for about 10 years already, but why didn't she tell me the things she told Brad P?

I have the right, the priority to be the first person she turns to.
Why Brad P?
Am I not fun anymore? Am I no longer an understanding friend?

So, quickly, I sent a text message to my bestfriend (who is also my boyfriend),
"Abang, setiap kali I dengar pasal Brad P dengan Vivien, mesti I jealous. Kenapa ha?"

This is what he replied, "Biasalah tu! Jangan you ada hati dekat Brad P tau. Lumrah manusia memang macam tu."

I love my boyfriend so much. He didn't get angry at me at all. He didn't even suspect me to have flings on Brad P. He told what I feel is quite normal and it's okay.

I love him. Love, love, love. I hate Vivien and Brad P.

Women are complex. I can hate Vivien and Brad P, but my boyfriend can't. I can be angry and throw harsh words to Brad P and Vivien, but not boyfriend. Because, "How could you say that about my friends! They are my friends! I know them first before I know you! Well, I even see them more often than I see you!"

I mean, no matter what, they are still my friends and I don't want anybody else to hate them except for me.

Besides, I won't hate them for long. Sooner or later, I will need them back in my life. Who am I kidding?

And my boyfriend completely understands his role in this love-hate triangle between Brad P, Vivien and I. He never crosses the line. He is always supportive. Whenever I hate Brad P and Vivien, my boyfriend doesn't make me to hate him too.

Sure, sometimes he says the wrong thing, but it would be minor and he learns from his mistakes.

That makes me a very happy, loving, appreciative girlfriend.

I think my boyfriend doesn't realize the little things he does for me which makes me all warm, fuzzy and loved. True enough, some of you might find his acts I just described above are insignificant.

I couldn't explain it verbally, especially to my parents, that this is why he is the one. He is the man I am willing to spend the rest of my life with.

Every now and then, he does things like this, that always make me comes back to him, things that he doesn't know which reminds me of why I fall in love with my boyfriend in the first place.

It's neither about his material nor physical attractions. It's the values that he holds onto.

It's unexplainable, indescribable.

But when I met him, I just knew. I forgot along the way but I always know noone can beat him so far.

It's funny I am quite sentimental today.
It's all because of the SMS which I received from Mother a month ago, dated on 30th July 2010:

"Apa hal dengan kamu ni? Tak semena-mena melencong ke situ pulak. Alah, jangan takutlah, Si X tu tak akan lari. Dia tahu, satu hari nanti dia akan bergantung pada kamu. Percaya cakap Mother. Dia bukannya ada kerja. Entah-entah dah kahwin agaknya dekat sana tu."

I don't know what was wrong with me, but I forwarded the text to my boyfriend.

Oftentimes, I was told that I am being mean for not considering his feelings when sharing stuff like this. He shouldn't have to know about it. I could just stay quiet and spare him some mercy.
But to my defense, I need him. He is my future husband. Whatever hurts him will hurt me too.

There we were, comforting each other, being patient together.

And I can imagine, in fact, I know, on the day we tie the knot, tears would be rolling from my eyes as I remember how my boyfriend has stuck with me all this while. I will be in tears of joy and gladness that finally, he is mine and I am his, officially.

2010-08-15T23:33:00.002+08:00

"Muda-muda lagi dah -bekerjaya-," said one of my clients. Well, I edited Pakcik's quote, the -bekerjaya- part was actually the name of the profession I am doing for a living.

"Tak lah, Pakcik...Nampak saja muda..." I gave him a polite smile.

He laughed, "Jangan tipulah, tengok tangan pun Pakcik dah tahu, awak ni muda lagi..."

I was writing at that time. So I looked at hands.

I look at my hands all the time. I notice that my blood vessels are getting more visible. Ugly hands, I thought. A lady's hands should be soft and smooth. I work too much sampai urat timbul.

Obviously, Pakcik is not a fortune-teller because he gets it all wrong.

I have a few gay friends, one of which always included in our circle of friends.

On one of the occasions during the early time when we were still getting to get to know each other, he said farewell to us after a midnight movie,
"Bye, gorgeous, except you, Ectopy!" with flying kisses and all.

We laughed.

At home, I moaned to my boyfriend how he didn't think I was one of the gorgeous, I didn't care whether it was intentional or not.

I mean, I know I am not, but, there's no need to add salt to my wound.

Today, I looked through my photos on Facebook, and I thought, I am not actually bad-looking lah! Biasa-biasa saja, and I am grateful because God could have given me an uglier face.

I am writing this now because it's so funny of me, I can be shallow sometimes. Looks are not everything and why did I still get offended?

Carol asked me the other day, "Are you and Brad P related?"
If you follow my blog, you would have known who is Brad P. I always give different nicknames for him, but he is always the same guy, my good friend/ colleague which I spend time a lot with.

I denied.

"Oh, I thought you guys were. I won't be surprised if you guys were related because you guys have the same features," she said.

Wow, that was the first time I get that. I was really expecting something like, 'You guys talk alike' or 'You guys think alike'.

Too much wey, now we are morphing to look like each other.

2010-08-05T19:45:00.001+08:00

What I like about this blog is, I could talk about anything.
Things that I couldn't really talk in real life.

Like, I really couldn't tell people why I don't buy CDs, for fear people would think I am weird, or they'd say things like, "Stop trying to be pious coz you are so not!"

Haha.

Almost every night, before I go to sleep, I would tell sad stories that I encounter during my working hours to my boyfriend.
In return, he has to tell me happy stories before I go to sleep. I treat them almost like my bedtime stories. And it really works because sometimes, I fall asleep before the stories end. My boyfriend would create fantasies, about princes and princesses, dragons and genies. And of course, the princess would be me. :)

Sometimes, he would tell me funny stories.

Since we talk about everything,

Boyfriend: Kawan I baru pergi besarkan konek dia.
Me: Hah? Dekat mana?
Boyfriend: Dekat private clinic dekat *****
Me: Dia operate ke?
Boyfriend: Taklah. Injection je...
Me: Berapa lama boleh tahan?
Boyfriend: Entah, I tak tanya la pulak...
Me: Jadi ke?
Boyfriend: I tengok, besar lah jugak...I tak tengok lah konek dia, tapi I tengok seluar dia terbonjol je...
Me: Dia dah kahwin?
Boyfriend: Dah.
Me: Dia ada berapa bini?
Boyfriend: Seorang je...
Me: Dia plan nak tambah bini ke? (Laughs)
Boyfriend: Entah dia...Tak lah kot...
Me: Sebelum ni memang konek dia kecik kot... (Laughs)

Boyfriend:
Dia ajak I pergi inject jugak, I cakap, "Apa aku nak buat? Langgar dinding?"

Haha!

2010-08-02T19:37:00.002+08:00

Jane: I have a question. Are you and Brad P going out?
Me: No.
Jane: Why? I think you should.
Me: Why?
Jane: Because you guys look so cute together.
Me: (Polite smile)
Jane: Why aren't you together?
Me: Because I already have a boyfriend.
Jane: But not here, right?
Me: He's far.
Jane: Well, maybe you should dump your boyfriend. Oh, my God, that is so mean for me to say! But, I think you should. (Laughs)
Me: (Laughs)
Jane: Seriously, you guys would be perfect together.
Me: Maybe, we are two individually, separately cute people.
Jane: True. But you guys are cuter when together. You know, sometimes, two cute people, when together, they turn up wrong!

Brad P? Nah...

Vivien: Leo ajak keluar. He and his girlfriend. Let's meet up.
Me: Jom.
Vivien: Ajak Tom C jugak tau.
Me: Okay. (A moment later) I dah text Tom C, he said, he'll confirm tonight. Kalau takde hal, he'll join.
Vivien: Nak jumpa dekat mana? And ajak Brad P sekali.
Me: He can't. Ada hal.

After a few minutes.

Vivien: Ectopy...How about kita jumpa lain kali? Since tonight tak ramai orang boleh datang?
Me: Okay.

Me: Abang! Vivien tu suka dekat Brad P lah! Bila Brad P tak dapat datang, she cancelled our meet-up!
Boyfriend: Biarlah. Asalkan Brad P tu tak suka dekat you...
Me: Tapi I rasa Vivien tu gunakan I lah...

Thank God there is no more jealousy in me.
I have accepted and if they are meant to be together, I don't mind.
Yeay to this!

:)

2010-08-02T18:36:00.002+08:00

Still about it.

Come, let me tell you my secret.

Why I don't have an MP3 player.
Why I don't have CDs in my car.
Why I don't download songs.

Okay, first, it is because I have this very mild OCD to treat everyone/ everything fairly.

I think things have feelings too. So I will wear them the same amount of time. Or in this case, even though I have favourite songs, but highly unlikely I'd listen to them over and over and over again because
- I don't want to hurt other songs' feelings (if they ever have). Or more realistically, I don't want to hurt the creators/ singers of the not-so-nice songs.
- And that is why I prefer to listen to the radio. The songs are by random. Not my fault if I don't listen to it!

- I am aware that by getting into any vehicle, there is always chance that I'd get into a freak accident and lose my life, WHILE listening to songs.

Don't want that to happen.

If you follow my blog long enough, you would know that I am not a perfect Muslim.
So, whenever there's an opportunity for me to get free pahala, I would try my best to practise it.
Like, staring my steps with my right leg.
Or, never judge a person.
Pakai tudung will earn me free pahala too, but that's a little bit complex for me, okay?

And that's why, I love the sea. Free pahala.

And.

That's why I prefer the radio while driving, so, whenever there's nothing good on the station, I can flip through the channels, and at least, I would listen to IKIM.FM.

I seldom recite the Quran nowadays, so listening to it would at least make me less worst.

(Faint smile)

I read a blogger's post one day, about an unfortunate accident. The vehicles were on fire, burning the driver, and according to the witnesses, the driver recited the Syahadah before the car she was driving blew up.

Which, brought to tears.

I was driving, calmly, feeling safe, while listening to the beautiful recitation of the Holy book.
Then, assaulted.
I shouted and I cried.
Then, I realized the radio was still on.

But did I remember to say my Syahadah? I did not. What if I died that day? I'd be sinful, dying without clarifying that 'There is no god but God, and Prophet Muhammad SAW is His messenger'.

Even with a reminder ringing in my ears, I still didn't do it.
(Huge sigh!)

2010-07-28T19:41:00.003+08:00

One.

It was 8pm. I was at the petrol station.

A man was approaching.

I had palpitations.

I started to panic.

One step away from him.

I panicked so much that my reflex was to look around me for people, people who might witness what was going to happen, or better, those who might save me.

Stranger kept on moving forward.

I startled this time. Another step behind.

I used all my might to control myself from running like a mad woman.

Stranger: Assalamualaikum.

He saw me very uncomfortable, he should have just left me.

Me: Waalaikumussalam. Kenapa eh?

Stranger: Saya ni berjalan jauh. Tak ada duit nak makan...

Me: Ermm...Tak apelah, eh?
I shook my head.

Stranger: Terima kasih.

He finally turned his back and left.

I quickly sat in my car, my heart skipped so fast, about 200 per minute (I actually counted), it pounded so hard and I just had to cry.

My boyfriend called.
Boyfriend: Kenapa you nangis?
Me: Ada orang minta duit.
Boyfriend: You okay tak?

I cried harder when realizing he was not a bad man who was trying to harm me. He was a traveller, and I denied him a donation.

A donation I usually would have simply gave without much thought.
What have got into me?

Two.

At the airport.

Eating alone.

Purse on the bench, next to me.

Enjoying a meal.

Suddenly there was a waiter next to me.

Too surprised. My heart jumped immediately.

Purse gone missing.

Quickly looked for my purse.

Purse on my lap.

200 beats per minute. I took a deep breathe to calm me down.

Too slow. I needed myself to calm faster.

Hands gave an obvious shake. Uncontrollable tremors.

Three.

Mother once said I have too much gut.

Flashback to the time when I nearly got robbed.

Car window smashed.

Skin wounded.

Head hit.

Assaulted.

And having witnesses around me who were all too shocked/ scared to rescue me.

Mother and Father are so worried about me nowadays.

The repeated, "Tak serik-serik lagi ke?" is becoming sickening to hear.

You know what?

I refuse to be traumatised.

I refuse to be afraid.

Berani kerana benar, kan? Then why should I be afraid? I was not the robbers. The robbers are the ones who should be afraid for their wrong doings!

What the hell is wrong with the world now?

Just because they attack at night, we, the innocents should not go out at night?

No!

No, no, no!

I wouldn't allow it to happen.

I shall stay strong and life would go on, I would carry on like usual.

But guess what? Even with me strongly denying myself from being traumatised, there's a little part of me which was scarred.

Palpitations.
Fast heartbeat.
Shaky limbs.
Cold sweats.

The worst part is, I hate the way it makes me judgemental.

I can no longer stop at a traffic light, without cautiously scanning for any suspicious bikers.
I can no longer open up myself to strangers thinking they are harmless.

I hate myself for constantly thinking those who ride the motorcycles are villains, untrustable citizens.

I am sorry.

Probably they are desperate for money, for their dying parents, caught in the middle of a situation I probably would never understand (because I am probably fortunate enough, will never experience it).

But, to hurt someone, to hurt me, in the desperate attempt to get the instant cash, well, that's what I call, desperate for some drugs, desperate to get high.

Unforgivable.

I am sorry.

2010-07-10T12:37:00.003+08:00

I don't know whether this entry is going to be long or short.
I have a lot of things on my mind now, but lets see whether I'll be able to jot down all of them.

Anyway, first thing first.

Last year, I lost my favourite watch. Not that I have many watches, but that particular watch was new and the most expensive I had owned/ bought. So, yeah, things happened and I redha.

Because we already planning to get married, I thought, why not he gets me a nice watch for my hantaran. Yes, I am very practical, I want things that I don't have or things I really need as my hantarans.

In the meantime, I'm using a kiddie watch, you know, the kind that is sold for RM10. I have no problem wearing it, in fact, I am happy because it is cute and if it gets lost, I can always get another one without regret.

Remember I used to drool over the Casio gold classic watch? Well, I am well over it because I've seen quite a number of people wearing it! (Sigh)

Again, because we already planning to get married, may I add to be more specific, not anytime soon, one day, after surveying a few watch shops, I called him up and said something like this,

"I am going to buy a watch! I don't care if we already agreed to wait for you to buy me a watch for my hantaran, but I cannot wait anymore. We are not getting married this year, so I am buying one!"

It just that, I still haven't found a dream watch.

The next day, I received a birthday present from him.

The background colour of the wrapper was brown, with scattered teddy bear prints and the words Happy Birthday all over.

We were in the car. He couldn't wait to give it to me (hence in the car), and I couldn't wait to un-wrap my present.

And in the car I shrieked and repeatedly said, "Oh, my God, oh, my God," upon seeing the box underneath the wrapper.

I totally didn't expect it because he said he already bought my present a while back, just waiting for the right time to give it to me.

Out of the car, I inspect the watch and saw something odd about the leather strap: it doesn't have the brand name stamped on it. Pointed this out to my boyfriend, but he said it's probably the latest design.

The next day, we went to a watch shop to add holes to my leather strap. There was no intention at all to check the price of my watch, I just want to make sure whether leather strap was original. To my amazement, the brand name was there!

Me: Sayang, I tengok jam tadi ada brand lah dekat tali dia...
Bf: Yeke?

By now, I thought my boyfriend bought me a fake watch. I didn't want to add salt to the wound, so I stayed quiet. I love my boyfriend so much, I would never embarass him, I would love his gifts, even if they are fake. He shouldn't have to buy me a fake watch, really, I would love him and the gift even if it is not expensive at all...

Bf: Tak apa, nanti Abang check...

He pulled out the receipt from his wallet and started dialling the shop number.

I saw the receipt, and I thanked God it is not fake. Haha.

Silly me. It couldn't be fake. I already saw the warranty card and I actually registered myself and the watch on the Internet the night I received the watch.
What was I thinking!

My boyfriend basically told the shopkeeper that he went to this other shop and saw that leather strap is not similar to the one he bought for me.

The shopkeeper profusely apologized over the phone, saying that he forgot that he already removed the original leather strap, and forgot to switch it back again!

WTF!

After the whole incident, my boyfriend, being paranoid, forced me to bring my new watch to a watch shop, and asked the sales lady to confirm whether the watch face is at least original.

It is. Alhamdulillah.

I think it an honest mistake. My boyfriend is his regular customer. Besides, the shopkeeper called my boyfriend for a number of times to apologize, over and over again.

My boyfriend used the opportunity to torture him, "Apa ni, malu saya bagi hadiah untuk isteri saya. Saya beli jam mahal-mahal, awak buat macam ni..."

I pinched him for talking like that.

After he hung up the phone,

Bf: I boleh saman dia, jual barang tipu.
Me: Dia tak tipulah, dia lupa...
Bf: Kalau I buat aduan, dia boleh tutup kedai!
Me: Ala...Kadang-kadang you pun buat silap kan...
Bf: Hish, mana ada I buat silap, especially kalau barang mahal. I tak kisah kalau barang murah, tapi I beli mahal ni!
Me: Tapi dia minta maaf kan?
Bf: Mestilah, sebab dia takut! Lesen dia boleh kena tarik balik. Kalau I sebarkan hal ni dekat kawan-kawan I, dia boleh hilang customer! Nasib baik you ni prihatin. Kalau you tak perasan leather dia tak original? Rugi je...

The moral of the story is, always inspect your goods.

My boyfriend ni pun pelik. It is so unlike him not to inspect his purchases. My boyfriend said it is because they already wrapped the box, so he couldn't open it again and inspect for any flaws.

The next day, my boyfriend called and said,

Bf: I already got your original leather straps! Cantik gile...
Me: Really? How does it look like?
Bf: Lebih kurang macam you punya, tapi ada brand name under the strap.
Me: So, straps yang sekarang ni, kena pulang balik ke?
Bf: Ah, tak payah. Dia bagi free je. Dia dah malu...
Me: Dia tak bagi free gift lain ke?
Bf: Dia bagi I discount sebab kebetulan I ada hantar my watch to him for a service...

I love my watch so much, I wish I could sleep with it but my boyfriend doesn't allow that... :(

This is the best material gift I have ever received in my life so far! Yeay!

2010-06-30T16:56:00.002+08:00

The sparks I thought the surgeon and I had, were shortlived.

Nampak sangat I didn't really fall for him.

"Come. Lets have a Q&A. I am not happy, your work is slacking."

I got so offended by his statement despite just the day before,

Me: Why do you like to imitate me?
Surgeon: Because I think you are cute.
Me: Am I? Awww...I am cute!
Surgeon: You are cute. You are cute like a kanak-kanak.

I hate him now.

Cute + Slacking = I am officially a bimbo, thank you.

I was surprised when my boss asked my colleague, Johny,

Boss: You ni...Ectopy dah bertunang pun, masih nak kacau lagi...
Johny: Mana ada saya kacau...Saya jaga dia...
Me: I am not engaged yet! Who says I am engaged!
Boss: Masih tak mengaku dah bertunang...
Me: No, really. I am not engaged! I am booked, but not engaged yet.
Johny: It's the same!
Me: It's not the same. I should be given another ring if I am engaged. Mana boleh senang-senang nak bertunang kalau takde cincin!

The point here is: If boss knows I am engaged/ committed, surgeon would have known too because they are good friends, and guys talk!

This explains surgeon's cold beaviours.

This is all Johny's big mouth's fault!

Talk about my boss, the other day, he innocently and loudly ask Johny and I a question,

"So, how was Team A?"

I didn't get it until Johny looked him in the eyes, "It's The A-Team, boss, The A-Team, not Team A."

LOL!

kenapa possesive?

2010-06-27T21:33:00.003+08:00

It took me long, after years of living, to realize that I probably am possessive over my friends.

Do you remember my latest acquired male best friend, lets name him Kasim this time around?

Without actually realizing it, it has been almost a year since the first day I met him. Sometimes, we still joke how came to my house for Hari Raya, and got a shock when he found out my 'brother' was actually my boyfriend.

Well, we are becoming closer and closer, and somehow, he is also well-accepted by my little group of friends (I think by now, he has known each and every one of them with bits of their history which I provide from time to time to facilitate him to know who's who).

Little did I know that I would be bothered when his bond with my friend, Rokiah, blossomed.

I know I sound childish, I keep brushing off the uneasy feeling, but I couldn't help but feel- disapproving their relationship.

Which then led to the questions:
1) Am I in love with him?
2) Is this what we call jealousy?
3) Why the hell would I be jealous?!

I remember when a close friend of mine asked me, "If you haven't met your boyfriend, would you go for him?"
My answer was, "No. Because he is just a friend. Like a fun brother. He reminds me of Rashid."
Rashid is my other close, long-time male friend who lives far, far away that I seldom get to see him, but when we do, we do lots of fun things together and we would talk and talk non-stop. For the matter of fact, I am due to see him in a month or two, and we can't wait to have our yearly vacation! (Oh, he is so not gay, in case you are wondering)

Because of this mix feeling I am having, I had to talk about it to someone. So, I chose someone outside from the group, Lizzie. Lizzie, Kasim and I do spend a lot of time together. All the three of us have known each other at about the same time and then, we hit it off nicely (although not, initially-- long story).

Me: Do you think I am childish?
Lizzie: Are they going out?
Me: No. But I don't know why I am feeling like this! Because Kasim is my friend first. Why can't Rokiah find her own friend? And Rokiah should consult to me, if anything, not to Kasim! And how come they are going out together when I am working? I know Rokiah. She never visits me. But when suddenly Kasim suggested to bring her to see me, she jumped into the opportunity, even though she is working tomorrow! It's nice for them to visit me, she said she came by because she missed me, but I think, Rokiah did that just so she could spend more time with Kasim! Am I bad for thinking this way? I shouldn't think like this. Both of them are my good friends! And it is so nice of them to visit me and bring me food. Why do I feel like this? I don't like this feeling. It's not that I like Kasim, I mean, I have my own boyfriend, but they just can't!

Lizzie listened attentively. I thought she would have laughed, but she didn't.

Lizzie: I understand. I used to feel like this as well. And you know what I did, I am now not close to neither one of them.
Me: Oh. But I don't want to lose any of them. Am I a bad friend? I don't know why I feel like this, all I know is, I don't like them to be too close! I want Rokiah to find her own friends, and I want Kasim to find a girlfriend on his own.

I got so moody that day.

Over time, I found out that they have been regularly texting each other. As usual, I tried to ignore the feeling. But why? I introduced Rokiah to Rashid too, but Rokiah hasn't been texting him much. And why is it always me who brings new people into our group. Why can't she contibute and stick to her friends instead?

I mean, I don't mind my friends being friends with my other friends, but I should always be the priority. I should always be the closest friend, the first one to be updated if anything, because I know them first! They couldn't and shouldn't skip my role as the person who brought everybody together!

Kasim: Rokiah ajak keluar.

(Aha! Caught again! Why is Rokiah asking us out, by texting him, but not me!)

Me: Bila?
Kasim: Bila-bila lah yang kita free.

(Silence)

(Trying to ignore the feeling)

(Can't help myself but exploded)

Me: Do you like her?!
Kasim: What! Nooo...Why? Did she ask you to ask me this?!
Me: Nooo...Saja tanya...
Kasim: Why? What made you ask that question?
Me: Takdelah...Saje tanya...
Kasim: Do I look like I'm showing interest in her?
Me: Yes...
Kasim: Nooo...

His answers calmed me down a bit. I felt relieved, but only for a while, because- he could be hiding his true feelings.

Ahhh...Friends.

Nearing my big three-O and I still have friend issues.
(Sigh)

2010-06-19T20:11:00.002+08:00

None of my readers corrected me! (You guys are not really football fans too, huh?)

Continuation from my last post:

The next day, I told my boyfriend, and he was like, "But Italy did not win!" It was a draw match!

Oh, my God. Now I am so ashamed because he paid for the food even though the bet was- If Italy won.

Why did the surgeon played along with me?

So, anyway, if time is permissible, I will treat him lunch tomorrow. Because I don't want to owe him anything.

At work, my staffs were talking bad about their boss, who is my colleague.
According to them, she is bossy and likes to order them around (ironic, how can a boss be not bossy?), they even give her a nickname.

I just smiled. Fariz, another colleague of mine came to our desk, and he overheard the conversation. Being the typical nice guy, he didn't want to take side, like me, however, he was vocally implying it.

"Saya tak kisah dengan dia sebab walaupun dia agak mengarah, tapi dia buat kerja dia..." he said.

I said, "Oh, korang ni, bila dia takde, mulalah nak sebut-sebut nama dia. Rindu ke?"

One of the staffs responded, "Tak rindu langsung! Tapi kan, kalau kita suka dekat seseorang, kita akan puji-puji dia. Kitorang tak kesah, nak kutuk depan-depan, nak puji pun depan-depan."

My boss, who was around, interrupted, "Tapi patutnya, kalau nak puji kena belakang-belakang, sebab setiap pujian itu adalah satu langkah ke neraka. Nak kutuk tak boleh belakang-belakang. Sebab nanti jadi mengumpat."

Not many people know that. That's why, I don't mind if I don't receive compliments.

Then, I attended a client with Fariz. The client was an elderly lady who didn't converse well in our national language, so her husband did most of the talking. I felt it was better if Fariz and the husband talked while I listened and jotted down notes.

As usual, sometimes during an interview, there would be silence as Fariz and I need some moments to think over the information that has been extracted from them.

This uncle, upon seeing me quiet, asked Fariz, although I was at present at that time, my racial root and commented, "Banyak cantik."

Damn it, mesti aku nampak macam bimbo lagi. All the, 'Don't just sit there and look pretty' comments haunted me back.

20 minutes later, I was back to my desk, my staff sat next to me, "Boss, boss ni cantik tau sebenarnya. Pakailah mekap...Nanti saya bawa pergi saloon, nak?"

Nooo...! Not the rebonding advice again!

"Ala, nak buat macam mana. Kerja busy. Tak sempatlah...Tidur pun tak cukup..." I smiled politely.

"Nanti clients pengsan tengok boss," they laughed.

"Ala, diorang banyak perempuan. Bukannya nak mengorat diorang pun..."

"Takpe, takpe, nanti saya bagi lipstick dekat boss."

"Yeay! Bestnye nanti dapat hadiah...Thank you!" I didn't mean to be sarcastic. I do enjoy free gifts, because the best things in life are free.

Seriously.

I have decided that: I don't care whether Malaysian women think that I can be prettier. As long as 70 year-old uncles with visual impairment can appreciate my beauty, I am happy.

Oh, and thanks uncle for bringing me one step closer to hell.

My friend is going out with a divorcee with two children. I don't mind. To me, as long as he is single and available, it is okay, I don't care about his status. Over the years, I have taught myself that some things in this world are not perfect and I am not here to be judgmental.

The eldest child is 6 years old. I don't know how long ago since he uttered the word, "I divorce you," but, what I know is, it has been 2 years, at least.

Anyway, my friend, Fariz and I were talking about it in the car.

I, obviously defended the couple. Jodoh sudah tak lama, nak buat macam mana.

"But a divorce, after, not one, but two children is a big deal!" he said.

Basically, to him, to divorce the wife, the women you once loved, is not an easy thing to do, there must be a really, really good reason that triumph the fact that she is the mother of your childREN.

Yes, people stay in marriages, sometimes, even though they are not in love anymore, because they love their children so much, they want to provide a stable environment for them. It's for the kids.

"Tapi besar sangat ke silapnya sampai nak bercerai?" he questioned.

According to my friend, it is okay to divorce earlier on in the marriage because the things that you have shared together is minimal. Without kids, it's easier to consider whether to separate or not.

Well, yeah, he got his points across, and now, I am slightly agreeing with him.
Intrigued, even, what is exactly the really, really good reason, to get a divorce, even after years of marriage and two children?

Is the reason truly justified?

2010-06-16T04:35:00.006+08:00

"Italy vs Paraguay. Which team do you think will win tonight?"

"Italy!" I said.

He, not my boyfriend, asked me why. I don't know much about football, so, I said, "Because they are more good-looking. They are taller, nice bodies and all..." This is speaking from experience, in real life, even the normal citizens in Italy are to be drooled over.

"But football is not about who is taller or not. It is about how you play the game," he obviously know by now, I don't know shit about football.

"Uh-huh...But I still think Italy would win."

So, he made a bet with me. He was on Paraguay's side. "Do you know why? Because Italy is giving Paraguay half point if they draw."

Yeah, I don't even bother to know what that means.

The next day, I found out very early in the morning, that Italy won.

When we sat down together for work, he started to tell me how he overslept, when I suddenly interrupted him, "Italy won!" with a big smile plastering on my face, together with a victory sign.

"How do you know? Did you Google for the result?"

Yes, as a girl who doesn't know much about football, how can I know the result of the match so quickly?

"I have contacts, you know..." was my answer.

Later on, he left.

At 1pm, he picked me up for lunch. I invited my friend to join us, but my friend refused.

I chose the most expensive food on the menu, not because I was ripping him off, I just wanted to try the lamb shank. Besides, I was hungry, so I felt like having a big meal.

During lunch, I don't know whether it's just me, or, he was really, really flirting with me.

First, he winked at me.

Then, upon seeing me having difficulties cutting up my meat, he volunteered, "Do you want a surgeon to cut the meat for you?"

He is a surgeon. I didn't know he was, until he broke the news to me during the lunch.

And he did other things that flattered me!
It was nice. I mean, the things that he did for me. I wouldn't deny I was happy.

I don't know whether he did flirt, or I seorang je yang perasan lebih.

Lastly, he bought me two slices of cake, before dropping me off at my workplace.

At work, I jokingly told my friend that I had a date and told him the things that we did. "Tolonglah, nak termuntah okay!" he said.
"Come on, this is my side of story, which I exaggerated. It was not a date. It was completely professional. I je yang perasan. Besides, sangat coincident Italy menang..." I said.

"That was the trick he used on you to ask you out! Of course lah Italy yang menang!"

Hmm...

I quickly used my contacts. I found out the surgeon is going with with a pharmacist. Okay, so it was only me who overintepret the things that he did all along! Haha. Malu saya.

When I reached home, I called my boyfriend.
I wanted to tell him but he was on his way for his daily dose of football.

I told him not to go.

He promised me he would play for only 20 minutes.

I slept and woke up at 4am. Nobody woke me up for dinner. I don't remember whether my boyfriend did call or not. I think he didn't and assumed that I collapsed after a tiring day at work.
He is always like that. He lets me sleep when he knows I am tired.

So, I still haven't told him about my lunch.

It's 5am now and I am still writing.

I couldn't help but feel happy about my lunch date!

Actually, I am just happy that, finally, there's someone who would flirt with me!
(Wait, he was not flirting with me! I just THINK that he was)
Haha!

berlawan = bahaya

2010-05-29T11:02:00.002+08:00

I feel extremely guilty. Because lately I have been keeping secrets from my boyfriend.

My boyfriend is not very happy because I spend so much time with a male friend.

I see nothing wrong with it. I know he is not interested in me, and he knows I am so in love with my boyfriend, so I figure the relationship is harmless.

Since my friend and I live in the same neighbourhood, isn't it logically convenient (financially and socially) to go everywhere together?

Because of my boyfriend's disapproval, I, sometimes, had to lie that there's someone else in the car/ restaurant (insert- wherever we may be at that time).

I strongly believe in karma. Currently, I am so scared that sooner or later, my boyfriend may be keeping secrets from me too!

But I don't want to lose my friend and I want my boyfriend to lose his insecurities. Doesn't he know that good friends are hard to find, they don't come along very often and especially the ones who are as crazy as you!

And most of the time, it is not our faults. We would be planning an outing with a whole bunch of friends, but somehow, one by one would decide to ditch us, something came up la, last minute emergency la, bangun lambat la, so in the end, the two of us again.

Bf: You tak boleh rapat sangat dengan dia. Orang tua-tua dah kata, lelaki dengan perempuan tu berlawan!
Me: Tapi mana ada I gaduh-gaduh dengan dia!
Bf: You faham tak maksud 'berlawan' tu? Maksudnya, bahaya, tau tak? Lelaki bila dah bersama dengan perempuan tu bahaya!

Haha. Berlawan = bergaduh. Mana I tahu!

cantik

2010-05-29T10:55:00.000+08:00

I don't know why, but I get overly sensitive when somebody say things like this to me:

"Don't just stand there looking pretty and doing nothing," or something parallel along that line.

Although, sometimes, I like to pretend that I am bimbo, or I like people to underestimate my capabilities, but when they find a connection between how I look with my intellectuality; I get very, Very, VERY offended.

First, because it is sooo untrue.

I grew up believing I was not pretty. Boys did not fancy me. I work my best to get to the where I am now. Physically, I was lacking, so, when these people imply that I am simply selling my face while I work, I wish I could say- Fuck off.

So far, two of my FEMALE bosses had said the exact same thing to me in two different occasions, which I feel like waving my middle finger in their faces.

How dare you. How dare!

You can comment on my looks, you can comment on the way I dress, you can comment on my intellectuality, you can comment on my work ethics, but NEVER ever mention them together in one sentence.

I am not stupid. I just don't want to show off, you idiot.
Because the more you know, the more humble you should be, you idiot.

And so, I was left a little bit more confused than usual.

Because I have got people, staffs to be precise, on numerous numbers of times, coming up to me, to tell me that I should change my appearance for the greater good.
They say things like, "Kalaulah saya boleh make-over Cik Ectopy..." or "Cik Ectopy patut masuk rancangan bla bla bla (some local makeover TV programmes that I have never heard of), mesti cantik..." or "Cuba kalau Ectopy pakai macam ni, buat rambut macam tu, lepas tu letak celak sikit..."

I got to think it over and I have come to a simple conclusion:

Grumpy, old, women will always be forever jealous to the younger generation, no matter how ugly they are.

There.

Me: You rasa I cantik tak?
Bf: Mestilah cantik...
Me: Habis tu, kenapa orang selalu komen pasal rupa I?
Bf: Diorang tu tak tahu menilai kecantikan...
Me: Kenapa takde lelaki suka dekat I?
Bf: Sebab diorang tahu you dah ada I.
Me: Tapi I suke je dekat lelaki walaupun diorang dah ada girlfriend/ tunang/ isteri.
Bf: Tu sebab you gatal.
Me: (Laughs)
Bf: Ada lelaki minat you, tapi diorang minat senyap-senyap...
Me: Yeke?
Bf: I tahulah, sebab you cantik.

My boyfriend always makes me happy at the end of the day.
Just because he says things that I want to hear!

Haha.

2010-05-09T22:27:00.002+08:00

I had a bad day at work, around two weeks ago.
With me getting sick, physically, I mean, causing a little drama in the lobby with the people present at that time are mostly the people I know.

(Sigh).

Sometimes, I take more than one bag to work. But my friends were so sweet, they actually accompanied me to the eight floor, brought my bags on their shoulders (despite of them being guys) and made me safe and sound.

After we parted, one of them actually had the courtesy to message me and asked how I was doing.

I needed that. Someone who cares about me.

I spent the whole day crying and not crying and crying again. I needed my boyfriend but I didn't feel like talking, so I didn't tell my boyfriend what had happened. I only told him briefly and he thought I was fine.

I wasn't fine. I was very irritable at that time. I was sensitive, that any wrongdoing that was inflicted onto me, I took it to the heart and I felt horrible.

I was extremely scared and fragile. I was losing myself.

I had to work late that night. I thought couldn't, but I must. Two of my friends came looking for me, but I was having shower at work. Then, there they were, asking me how my day was and they suggested for pizza.

As I couldn't leave, they brought pizza for me. :)

I always consider myself lucky because I always have these wonderful friends.

Remember when I said, I only have colleagues, not friends at work?

I was wrong. I've made some really good friends.

The other day, I was at work when a friend decided to check me out at work.

My boss asked, "What is Raymond doing here?"

I thought my boss meant another Raymond, his Raymond.

I looked around, I didn't see anybody, so I continued with my work.

A few days later, my Raymond confessed that he came looking for me but he saw me busy doing work so he left without me even noticing.

Now, tell me, is that sweet or what!

The only explanation that I have for my fortune is: This is what God return to me in favour of me being so patient with my clients and staffs. My clients and staffs might be rude to me, but hey, at least I have the greatest friends on earth.

So, good deeds do make fruitful profits afterall...

The thing is, most of my good friends are guys. Not that I am very picky or tomboyish, it's just that, most of my girl friends are married and the activities that I can do with them are limited.

The sad thing is, I really want some girl friends so they can sleep over at my house the night before I get married.

It must be weird if I were to have my guy friends filling up my living room before I get married. (Imagine the situation). Haha! Lawaklah pulak...

I desperately need my boyfriend.
Me: Sekarang ni, bapa I cakap, kena kahwin tahun depan.
Bf: Kenapa?
Me: Sebab bapa I nak pergi Mekah dulu. (Laughs) Semangat gila bapa I, nak pergi Mekah minta petunjuk...
Bf: Apalah bapa you ni...Kalau nak jodoh nak buat macam mana...Betul tak?
Me: Habislah you...Kalau bapa I mimpi nampak laki lain depan Kaabah macam mana?
Bf: Takkan punya...
Me: Mana you tahu...
Bf: You ni, cakap macam tak sayang I!

:) I sayang you lah...

pretty shoes make me happy

2010-04-07T20:44:00.003+08:00

Listening to:
Their Cell by Girl in a Coma.

Life has its ups and downs.

The best part about it is when you compared what happened during your bad times with the good times you are having.

Like yesterday, I knew I was going to have a very difficult time at work, so many things to do, but as usual, tak cukup kaki tangan, and with so many petty complaints that I need to look into (sometimes, they are not even my job, but I don't want to be calculative), I casually asked a close friend of mine:

"How long do you think before I explode? Wanna bet? 1 month? 2 months?" I said while giggling.

"I'd say...By this Friday!"

Little did I know, I had my mini explosion last night itself.

I cried to my boyfriend. I have the best, most understanding boyfriend ever. He listened and gave me encouragement. And even though he was not next to me physically, I could feel him stroking my hair trying to calm me down.

I'm glad I have my sweet friends around too. I seldom tell them what's bothering me, but sometimes I wish they know how much I appreciate it when out of nowhere, they send me SMSes to ask me out for supper or things like that. They don't know how much they've done to save me.

Do you know that it's difficult to be a nice person? Because, to be a true, genuinely nice person,
1) you shouldn't expect anything in return.
2) you shouldn't mind doing the nice things. You must always willingly to do them.
3) you have to have patience.
4) tak boleh nak mengungkit.
5) kena persistent, atau dalam Bahasa Arabnya, kena istiqamah.
6) kena consistently have a pure heart, tak boleh evil.

See...Susah okay!

Lepas tu, nanti kena pijak pijak, tapi you still have to be patient and put a smile on your face.

Whenever I feel angry at someone, I try to find a good thing about that person so I can't blame him/ her,
like, "Sejahat-jahat mulut dia pun, at least dia pakai tudung, tak macam I ni...Pahala dia lagi banyak dari I, so jangan ingat diri I ni bagus sangat nak benci-benci orang!" Lepas tu terus insaf, tapi apakan daya, diri masih nak ber'skirt'. Haha...

Oh, well, but today, I am happy. Way happier than yesterday!

I decided to wear my new, cutest shoes ever to work.

Early in the morning, I was greeted with compliments of my pretty shoes.

Heeee! I can be such a girly girl sometimes even at this age!

Seriously, those shoes have magic, everytime I look at them, I smile like a little kid getting a new toy. I'm so happy with my purchase, dah lah comel, cheap and comfortable pulak tu! Cukup 3 Cs!

The day went so well today, I can even list down the things that make me happy:

1) less work because I was stationed outside my usual workplace. Celebrate!

2) was greeted by a guy from Brunei, who said,
"Hai. Saya selalu nampak awak. Awak siapa nama?"
And then he asked me where I lived and etc.
I told him I needed to go, but he said, "Agak-agak bila awak boleh bagi number telephone?"
My answer was, "Nanti-nantilah eh?"
Heee...Then terus telefon boyfriend and excitedly told him I kena ngorat. (Giggles)

3) Was reminded by something that happened a few days before:
A crazy person, like a real crazy person, was hanging around at my workplace. So as I was doing my work, he said, "Awak banyak cantiklah!"

Jangan layan.

I went home, I told my boyfriend that I was sad because a crazy man thought I was pretty. Maksudnya, mestilah I tak cantik because if he knows what's beautiful and what not, he would have taken care of himself better and wear proper attire!

My boyfriend said, "Crazy men are honest."

I refused to listen to him, until today, I teringat dekat Alice in Wonderland. :)

4) One of my bosses actually noticed my hard work, like finally!

5) Can I mention shoes, again?

P/S: I lost RM500 today. So sad. Could have given Mother the money instead. But I am still happy. Duit cuma. Lainkali cari lagi. Even though it was totally not my fault, but I redha. I hope, whoever has MY money now, will use them wisely for good deeds.

2010-04-03T22:08:00.002+08:00

A few weeks back, I read a blog. The blogger talked about the assignment he/ she had been given by his/ her lecturer: Write 10 words that best describe about you. Then choose the best three, and elaborate.

According to him/ her, the assignment is more difficult than it sounds. I don't have to try it to agree, but anyway, I am going to do it now, spontaneously, I promise.

Oh, my, this is going to be loooong.

Time start 0017.

1- optimistic
2- cheerful
3- split
4- adventurous
5- reasonable
6-
7-
8-
9-
10-

Time finish 0055.

Okay, I give up. I need more than one word to describe me. Like 'Split'. I am actually trying to say that I have a split personality. I couldn't find another word which carries the same meaning. The closest is 'indecisive'. But I am not really indecisive, I just have a split personality! Happy now, sad the next moment, like a bipolar person, but I don't really suffer from a bipolar psychotic behaviour disorder. I just have a split personality, understand?

Anyhow, this is an assignment. We usually have one week to complete one assignment. I'll continue later, okay?

I wrote 5 words already. But if I were to choose only 3, I don't which of them are best to describe me. I don't have the slightest idea!

This is to describe who I am. I am me, so I must know how am I like, ain't I?

The lesson here is, 'The hardest lesson is to know thyself'.

Work is crazy. Despite the craziness, I am still inspired, on random days.

Someone at work is constantly scolded. I adore her patience and her determination.

My friend told me, she once said, "Kerja tu ibadah. Biarlah orang nak marah kita pun."

Ibadah. I like that word.

Next time, whenever I feel shitty at work, I just have to remind myself, "Kalau nak buat ibadah, hati kena ikhlas."

I'm surrounded by many new colleagues and I have to bear with their myriad attitudes!

I especially hate those whose jobs are to assist me but they don't even attempt to assist me at all. Dah lah refuse to do their job, being rude to me pulak tu.

Sometimes, I feel like, "Hello, I am your boss, tolong respect sikit boleh tak?" Geram tau. I am polite to you, I even call you 'Kak', not by your pangkat (yang lebih rendah from mine), and it's not like I don't have better work to do, can't you be at least civilised to me back!

The other day, I was really hurt by this one 'Kakak'. I was in charge for other clients, but she assumed I was in charge for her clients as well. She told me that this one client was a little bit fussy. So? What am I to do? I have my clients to attend to as well.

And I wasn't like being rude to her at all. I told her, "Kakak, siapa yang in charge sini? Saya tak in charge sini lah..."

Do you know what she did next? She intentionally said this loudly, "Aku benci betullah kerja dekat sini!"

At first, I wasn't bothered at all, because I thought she directed her anger towards someone else. So, I ignored her. Besides, I thought tak baik lah nak eavedrops orang punya conversation.

Then, she began to slam the drawers, hempas-hempas files semua, while I was still there.

I kan agak optimistic, so I thought, 'Jangan perasan that she's angry with you. Entah-entah dia marah orang lain.' I tried to coax myself not to mind her attitude. Tak baik bersangka buruk.

As I was about to leave, she called me and asked to sort out her client, and she rudely asked me to. So, memang confirm lah kan...

It's either I was really patient, or I was just too tired to acknowledge her problematic behaviour.

So, I attended the client, gave some pep-talk, and the client agreed. Tak sampai dua minit pun.

Seriously, nampak sangat 'Kakak' tu was not even trying to talk to the client. Client was agreeable after talking to me. Susah sangat ke? And she dared to throw tantrums toward me, some more.

Tapi, kerja kan ibadat. Kena ikhlas.

Mungkin, suami kakak tu baru minta cerai the day before kot. Tu pasal meroyan macam orang nak menopause. Who knows kan?

I continued to do my work, keeping quiet. Sampai rumah, I malas nak cerita dekat my boyfriend, nanti bertambah tak ikhlas dan menyakitkan hati, tapi before I went to bed, I fikir, "Patutlah kau kerja sebagai orang bawahan. With attitude like that, you will never improve."

I hate to generalize sebenarnya. Because I've had very efficient assistants before, I even adore them!

I guess, that Kakak is one rotten fruit. Busuk, basi! Good thing I don't even remember your face to hold grudges on you. Kalau tak, buat tambah dosa I je.

I hope my offsprings and I will never have that kind of attitude.

2010-03-28T12:57:00.002+08:00

When I heard about the bad news, the first thing that came to my mind was, and I did say it out loud: "Well, nasib baik dia dah kahwin..."

My other friends who were around that time were astounded by my reaction, trying to figure out the connection of being married with someone's misfortune.

"Betullah! Berkahwin tu sangat-sangat membantu tau. Adalah orang nak support, nak nangis nangis...Sekurang-kurangnya dia gembira dengan perkahwinan dia, and nothing else matters. Like who cares even if you are being laid of your job when you have a loving a husband and adorable children?"

They nodded their heads, a sign of agreeing with my statement.

"Korang tak rasa betul ke?" I asked.

"Betul lah jugak..." one of them said.

"See...Sebab tu lah I nak kahwin!"

Shit lah...I dah ada mentality everything will be better when you are married. Haha. Rasa macam dah tak independent la pulak...

(Waves hands over my head, pergi semua pemikiran kolot!)

Today morning, I woke up and decided to be all manja manja dengan boyfriend.
However, I came to realize that the relationship is well over 3 years, but I manja tak ingat dunia and my boyfriend pulak simply layan, sometimes I wonder why he layan me so much.

If I were a guy, I dah tampar tampar dah girlfriend ter over manja macam I ni. Haha.

Seriously, why would a man in his thirties play and pretend along with his girlfriend yang mengada-ngada minta dia jerit just for fun and he foolishly grants my wish.

In the end, he amuses me and as usual, I'd ask, "Kenapa you blindly ikut cakap I!"

Sometimes, I pulak rasa nak lepuk my boyfriend's head, jangan jadi bodoh boleh tak!

The truth is, I know my boyfriend when he was on top of his world. Everything was going well for him and then we met and his world became perfect. Like any other story, that don't last long.

The good thing is, he still has me but he is now no longer as well-off as he used to. It doesn't affect me, because financially, I do not depend on him, but mentally, it does and I tend to question his ability to afford me soon.

Sometimes, I ni pun teruk jugak la, I'd ask him, "Bila you nak kaya?" or "Kenapa you tak cakap dekat I yang you sebenarnya tak kaya? I would still go for you, you know, tapi takde lah I expect you kaya and get disappointed when you are actually not," or "Tak boleh ke you kaya lama tapi miskin sekejap instead the other way around?"

See, why am I so mean to him!

Entahlah. Sometimes, I feel, if he was as rich as he used to, tak payahlah I pening kepala fikir hal wedding, and my parents wouldn't have excuses not to like him.

I understand that he has set a certain amount of his savings for other things and that money can't be touched for personal spendings, tapi nak tunggu tu punye lah lama...

I cannot dwell too much about the details.

Luckily I work closely with citizens of the lower second class and the third class. Cuma kadang-kadang jadi lupa diri when surfing blog orang kaya. Haha.

My colleagues and I notice that these people (lower second class and the third class) tend to have many children. So, I told my boyfriend about it,

"Ada perempuan ni, baru 23 tahun dah ada 6 orang anak! Sekali tengok-tengok, husband dia penjaga stor. Kawan I cakap, 'No wonder, he got nothing better to do!'," I broke into laughters.

My boyfriend laughed too. Then he asked, "You rasa, kenapa diorang ni banyak anak?"

"Laaa...Kan I dah cakap tadi, sebab diorang ni takde kerja lain nak buat, lepas tu tak reti nak family planning sebab tak tahu and takde duit," I said, half-jokingly.

My boyfriend smiled, "Sebab...Tuhan tu adil. Walaupun diorang tak banyak duit, tapi diorang kaya anak..."

Okay. Cukup-cukuplah tazkirah. I main-main je lah!

2010-03-23T21:43:00.003+08:00

Smart. I went to stalk Hunk on Facebook. And what do I get back in return?

Heartache.

I envy his life and family. He seems really happy and he loves his family (and his bike). I would love my own family too, if I am able to make one soon.

(Sigh)

I haven't talked about my wedding for a while now.

Wedding plans need a good start-up engine. I went to several bridal boutiques, but nothing has caught my eyes yet. My boyfriend was really supportive, contributing his opinions in the process, I like to see his eagerness, which sometimes I find him lacking.

Finally, I showed him my collection of wedding ideas I've saved from the Net.

"Patutlah you tak suka baju yang dekat butik-butik tadi...Taste you tinggi gila!" was his comment.

What to do? I have to live up with my reputation- the Fashion Diva.

I want the ceremony to distinguish from the rest. And I couldn't help myself that my taste is wedding dresses are rare.

And this is why I insist on tailoring a dress instead of renting it.

Hmm...But who? Who would do it within my budget?

(Sigh)

I want to get married.

And I want to have vacations with my babies.

Okay, I am so sad and depressed, I am going to call my boyfriend now.

hunk

2010-03-23T20:53:00.002+08:00

I left my phone at home today.

Time flies fast when you are busy.

That is why I didn't miss my phone today.

I was so busy, I didn't realize everyone left and, "How the hell should I call for my ride to come?"

There were me and another colleague, who also forgot to bring her phone! What are the odds!

And she suggested to use the phone in the building to call. I refused.

Because I am anal like that. For me, phones at work are for work purposes. I wouldn't use it for personal matters. Entahlah, I have this weird sense of committing a sin if I use the properties meant for work, for my own gain.

Oh, well, since I was in a big building, I thought of waiting at the lobby as usual. For sure, someone I know would pass me by and I could simply ask to borrow his/ her phone.

As I was walking down the stairs, I saw a man in a brown jacket, dashingly walking passing the maindoor.

And of course, I would know that figure anywhere, he is, afterall, my current crush, Hunk.

I looked around in case I know anybody else in that building. I don't want to be desperate y'know. Besides he was already at least 20 metres ahead of me.

I didn't have a choice, so I yelled, "Hunk!" At the second yell, he stopped and turned his body around.

And I quickened by baby steps trying to catch up with him.

He squinted his eyes, trying to adjust his vision. Oh yeah, Hunk wears glasses, but when he's in that macho brown jacket, he would take his glasses off, ready to speed on his bike.

Gile cair gue...!

"Boleh pinjam handphone tak? I lupa bawa handphone hari ni. Kena call orang ambil dari kerja..." I said.

I told him the truth, "Tadi balik kerja lambat, tak sedar semua orang dah balik..."

He said okay and lent me his phone, which wallpaper is a photo of his newborn baby. Cute.

"Macam mana nak guna ni?" I asked. In case you didn't know, I don't like fancy phones. Phones are for calling. Cameras are for taking pictures. Laptops are for work. When they all come together, I feel cramped. I'd rather have separate apparatus designed to do its job.

"Tekan aje macam biase..."

Oh, indahnya perasaan menyukai seseorang lepas tu dapat cakap dengan orang tu...Hahaha...
I felt like a school kid having a crush on her senior and feeling high just because he talked to me.

Anyway, I thought things are gonna be short and sweet, but no, he asked me stuff and we had our own little conversation...

Until my ride arrived.

The end.

In the car, I thought of how I like his perfectly alligned teeth. How he looked ugly when I first met him but now I can totally appreciate his looks. He has a nice, sweet smile. I also I imagined how cool he is riding a big bike to work everyday.

Aaahhh! (Screams)

BTW,
I won't go too far with this little one-sided fling I am having okay.
I'm sure his wife and daughter totally deserve to have a husband/ daddy like him.
I'm just like this fan who adores a celebrity, who blushes after getting an autograph from him.

Besides, I'm leaving soon.
Goodbye crush/ Hunk.

(Only last week I thought I was over him just because he didn't eat lunch with me after he saw an empty seat at my table. I wasn't too disappointed, in fact, I kept on talking and talking with my colleagues and totally forgot about him)

2010-03-22T21:36:00.002+08:00

At last, something refreshing: www.fashiontoast.com
I wish I would've stumbled upon the site earlier. And I want to be pretty like her!

Okay, I hate pretty ladies now just because I am not. Hmph!

And the worst part is, my things are mostly similar to what she has, just that I rarely wear them (because I'm too shy to be OTT- over the top).

That aside, I love all of her hairbands/ headgears. Whenever I want to wear something like that, my boyfriend says it's so different, people wouldn't believe what profession I go by during the day. Wah, suke hati lah, I am not that old! And I like to be different. Hmph, once more!

And the over-the-knees socks/ stockings! I love! But Mother/ Father/ boyfriend will faint if they see me in anything too short. I already received a two-hour long nagging from my dear boyfriend for wearing a skirt while hanging out with my friends the other day...

Apparently, he only approves when worn with him. Silly. Because he claims he can protect me and no hands/ eyes can go underneath. Haha.

On the other hand, www.stylecovered.com makes me wanna wear a hijab.

I'm confused. Can I choose either one according to my mood?

One thing I know- both bloggers are half Jap, half white. So not fair!

Enough girl talk.

My cat passed away a few weeks ago. What seemed like a happy family in progress (his partner just gave birth to their baby and he was a superb daddy!), ended in tragic. And that was the first time I watched keadaan nyawa nyawa ikan, my cat was gasping for air but I couldn't do anything about it.

He was sick for a long time. Since he was a baby, he had frequent visits to the vet.

And he was okay that morning. Sure, we noticed how his health was deteriorating. His body was skinny, and he was urinating so little, and he wasn't able to jump.

That night, he just laid there.

All my previous cats were either missing before we found them dead, or was hit by cars. So, that's easy goodbye.

I wasn't prepared for this. I couldn't watch him in pain, so I locked myself up in the room and cried.

I thought I didn't love him. Because I've been so heartbroken for so many times before by the death of a pet, that's why I promised myself not to get too attached to this cat. I knew I would be crushed if he was gone.

Anyway, I couldn't control my sadness and I broke down. I called my boyfriend and I sobbed. My eyes swelled up pretty badly and tears of sadness simply fell down on my face like a kid.

He couldn't walk for at least 12 hours. His breath was short and he couldn't eat.

I thought he may have had stroke or something.

This experience has totally changed my view on euthanasia.

[Definition: The act of a physician or other third party ending a patient's life in response to severe pain and suffering.

The act or practice of ending the life of an individual suffering from a terminal illness or an incurable condition, as by lethal injection or the suspension of extraordinary medical treatment.]

I used to be against enthanasia/ mercy killing as I believe, as a Muslim, we shouldn't play God.

They argue, we are actually making the death easier by administrating drugs that are lethal and death would be sudden and not prolonged. According to them, mercy killing is actually making the death less painful.

First of all, how do you know death is not painful? Have you ever experienced it? In Islam, death is the most painful thing a human can feel. I don't believe in any drug that could make it less painful.

I won't elaborate further more on this matter, but what I want to say is, after seeing my cat suffering,

I realized I was praying to God to just snatch his life away rather than letting him be miserable and in pain but alive.

Isn't that a wishful thinking for supporting mercy killing?

I am disgusted at myself.
I should've prayed like Mother thought me a very long time ago- I was about 9 or 10 years old when a distant relative was commatose in the hospital:
Dear God, if he is best alive, let him live, but if he is best dead, let him die.

After seeing my cat, I thought, maybe, just maybe, I am one for mercy killing.

:(

Speaking of cats, I've been nicknamed by colleague- Kucing.

"You are just like a kucing," he said.

"Kucing is good. I'm alright with cats. Cats are cute!" I exclaimed, thinking it was a compliment.

"No, you are like those street cats. You know, the kind which wander at the stalls, then mewing asking for food, thinking it's cute..."

Why am I like that so suddenly?!

He said, "Because you always ask for food. You eat and eat but you are not fat, I really think there cacing in your tummy!"

I explained that I know my body is not sexy and I, myself, am not happy at my body shape. I wish I had more flesh like I used to. You know, the kind that falls at the right places, my bums and my boobies...

I've always been flat. But now I am flatter than ever.

It has been the 3rd week since he has nicknamed me Kucing.

"Hoi, Kucing!" he greeted me early one morning.

I smiled back at him and said, "Meow..."

And we broke into early morning laughter. What a way to start a long day at work.

P/S:
I saw my crush coming back from work today. I straight away called my boyfriend.

"Tengah buat apa tu?" he asked.
"I tengah...Tengok budak yang I suke tu! Hehehe..."
"Oh, budak yang suka tu...Jangan tengok lama-lama tau," he requested.
"Dia balik pakai jaket la. I rasa dia pergi kerja naik motor la...Wow, I jatuh cinta! Bila you nak naik motor?"

My boyfriend laughed, "Yeke? I pun naik motor kadang-kadang!"
"I tanak you naik motor kapcai okay!" I whined.
"Siapa kata I naik motor kapcai? I naik Ducati, handsome macam Brad Pitt!"

Major perasan! If he ever had a Ducati, I'd be forcing him to send me to and fro my workplace. Gila hot tertonggek atas motor macam Megan Fox dalam Transformer 2.

a day's work

2010-03-10T21:15:00.003+08:00

Currently, there's a new hunk in the department and I'm way too attracted to him!

It wasn't love at first sight. We spent one day together (work-related) and I'm beginning to see the charisma in him.

I shared the news with my other colleagues and that was the first time my colleagues got to evaluate my taste in man.

"Ectopy, he's ugly!" my friend told me.

I know he's not good looking, but he's not thaaat bad looking! I even explained to my friends that they have to spend one day with him to discover the sweetness in him.

Only those who have THE eyes can see it, only those who have THE sense can feel it.
Haha.

However, he's married. With a kid some more.

I accidentally found out more about his background, and I could see the similarities between him and my boyfriend.
No wonder I'm so attracted to him!

The thing is, I just couldn't help myself from being attracted to him! Argh! It's been long since I last had a huge crush on a guy like this. I hope it'll die off soon because
he is married!

Now I know how it is like to be attracted to a married man.

If his wife ever finds out that her husband has an admirer, I hope she will take it as a compliment instead of a threat.

Today, at work, my colleague told me, "Ectopy, you always have a different view."
Another colleague said, "Ectopy, I never see you get panicked."

You see, we had a huge thing going on this morning and everyone whose involved was sweating and worrying.

I did worry and I did get panicked, I felt my heart was pounding, but somehow the emotions didn't reflect physically by my facial expression.

Besides, what else could I do? Cry? Smile sajalah...

Smile and eat quietly. And looking at things positively. That's when the comment of- me having a different view- given.

Oh-kay. I didn't realize that my view was quite different from the general population.

Perhaps that's why I wasn't very impressed by the book Tuesdays With Morrie. I don't consider it as an eye-opener. I've always had an optimistic outlook towards life like Morrie.

This attitude has probably been strengthened since I met my boyfriend.

Look, the way we see it, if we lost something valuable or something precious have been taken away, it's okay. They are just things. We could replace them.
It doesn't mean that we don't appreciate them, it's just that, replacing an object is a small matter and it shouldn't cause unnecessary distress in our life.

For example, somebody hit the car. It's alright. The person was stupid, of course, (for hitting my car), but it was an accident, he/she never intended it to happen and I'm probably at fault too, although very minimal.
Yang penting, we can always repair the car. Or buy a new one. And yes, mana nak cari duit. But guess what, we can always find money. Rezeki kan berada di mana-mana. So no way I'm gonna waste my time and energy regretting for what had happened and spending money on something that should've been avoided.

It's just money lah. Tak payah nak berkira sangat. Tak payah nak rasa rugi. In fact, in Islam, we are encouraged to spend our wealth (ke jalan kebenaranlah in this context). That's why, we have zakat and zuhud.

We shouldn't think too much about money and materials. It makes us greedy, it makes us stingy, it makes us arrogant.

Shit. Suddenly teringat balik dekat my crush, which from now on, I'd call Hunk. Haha.
Hunk is going to be temporary. I know myself. It will die off sooner or later.

In the meanwhile, should I continue admiring Hunk, or should I do something to make myself unlike him? Should I enjoy this harmless excitement at the workplace?
I think I know the answer.
I plan to proceed.

Haha.

2010-02-27T12:29:00.002+08:00

Thank you for sharing your story, Weed. (Refer to her comment in my post below)
I hope you'd tell about the 'kek kemek' pulak nanti. :)

Now, let me tell you my story which you remind me of.

I was in a bus, somewhere not in Malaysia, where the bus stopped for a very long time. I was getting annoyed and began to look out of the windows to see what was delaying our journey. Was it the traffic congestion? It seemed odd because we were on a big road, which traffic rarely occurred at that time of the day. Other vehicles stopped too, from both ways!

An old, frail lady was crossing the road.

She was holding a walking stick, walking slowly, with the help of a younger lady, who left her BMW door wide open with the engine on (and of course, nobody would want to take opportunity on her).

Another young man, came out from a different car, was stopping the traffic from the other side to let the ladies cross the road.

So, lets imagine if the situation happened in Malaysia. Of course we would have the conscious not to hold up the traffic and just continue our journey because, well, this all happened at the other side of the road which wouldn't affect us, because we were the people who were going the other way.

But noooo....The citizens in this particular country, decided to stop. All of them. Whether they were going North, East, South or West. And nobody honked anybody.

And mind you, we were in a city, the capital of the country, not in some outskirt countryside where people are generally nicer.

And all of us waited. Until the nenek tua crossed the divider and another jalan besar.
To get into the bus I was on.

Even the bus driver had a big heart!

Kalau dekat sini, of course the bus driver would have left us. Tak kuasa nak tunggu 10 minit. Lu lambat, lu kena tinggal, lu tahan bas pun, wa jalan buat tak tahu, lagi wa langgar adalah!

Ataupun, kita mempunya pemikiran macam ni, "Dah tua-tua macam ni pun nak naik bus ke? Baik duduk rumah je lah. Nak keluar jalan-jalan tapi menyusahkan orang."

Well, giving my benefit of doubt, the people in that country memang generally very, very, very nice pun. In fact, personally, I think they are the nicest people in the world. Sangat, sangat baik, friendly and fair. They treat all people equally, tak kira lah bangsa apa, tua atau muda, cacat ke tak, miskin ke kaya, they accomodate for everybody...That's why when I was there, I didn't feel poor even though money was limited. We all used coupons and they didn't give that look when we asked for discounts. Tak ada rasa malu pun nak guna public transport because even the millionaires naik basikal pergi kerja.

I'm glad the values I learned there, I still hold onto tight until now.

My boyfriend and I have our daily sessions of telephone calls.
"Tadi petang," my boyfriend told me last night, "Mak budak accident tu telefon."

"Kenapa dia call?" I asked.

"Dia cakap, 'Terima kasihlah bawa anak makcik pergi hospital. Makcik tak tahu nak buat apa. Dia tu anak yatim, bapa dia dah meninggal. Makcik orang tak sekolah. Makcik tak tahu nak buat apa.'"

I'm sure it's nothing. He'll probably just need a operation (or probably dah buat operation dah pun). Tinggal money issue je.

Sekolah ke tak sekolah, ikut cakap doktor is best. Jangan ikut cakap bomoh. Haha.

Doctor will probably say that the patient needs a lot of rest, but must also help himself by not just lying down. Kena beli crutches to help him ambulate. Kena makan ubat. Tapi jangan biasakan diri makan painkillers. Kena pergi regular follow-ups.

Tapi kalau bab saman saman, nak minta gantirugi (since it wasn't the boy's fault), insurans ke apa, itu kami tak tahu. Kena report polis lah kot.

Kalau that stupid lady refuses to help, harap dia mati masuk neraka.

My life doesn't have an insurance. My life has no value, say the insurance agents, if I don't get an insurance policy.
The insurance agents also say it's very, very important to have an insurance.

They still fail to convince me that I need an insurance.

I'm not arrogant saying I will never die abruptly or fall sick. I know I will, one day, I just refuse to think about it, or rather, I refuse to relate them with money.

If I die, my children don't need to inherit my properties in order to survive and be happy. I will teach them that they have to find their own funding.

If I fall sick, I don't mind going to a government hospital. I don't need a private room bathroom ensuite in a posh hospital to ease my pain. I need to see other people who are more unfortunate than I am to leave the world in peace and rasa syukur.
If I was left alone in the room, I would think I'm the most malang person in the world oh why is God doing this to me! Setan banyak kalau kita tinggal seorang, haven't you heard of that?
Contohnya, kalau patient sebelah kita sakit stroke pun tapi masih nak sembahyang, wouldn't you feel embarassed if you excuse yourself from praying just because you ada asthma?
And that's why I like to be in a crowd. Would a private hospital provide me such humbling moments while I'm dying? Unlikely.

I don't mind the insurance agents, I just don't like the ideas that they put into my head. Sometimes, I hate them so much (no offense, sorry!!! I couldn't help myself), the only thing that can prevent me for hating them as much is by thinking: Diorang pun cari makan juga. This is what they do to support their family. Ini rezeki diorang.

So, when they preach to me, I senyap je, angguk-angguk, pretend to be interested and then say "No, thank you."

Tapi nanti diorang akan cakap, "Betul ke tanak? Tak kisah ke kalau duduk dalam wad kerajaan, bila hospital dah penuh, diorang takkan terima you, kena tunggu lama-lama?"

I repeat, "No, thank you."

"Tapi sebelum tu, boleh you bagi nombor telephone kawan-kawan you?"

WHAT THE HELL! Can I just create the numbers and lie to you?

I also don't have a credit card.
I used to have one, then I terminate it. I think it's very useful especially when it comes to dealing online.

I used to ask my boyfriend, "Kenapa you tak ada credit card? Semua orang kerja ada credit cards!"

Shallow.

My boyfriend said:

- I takut overspend.
- I tak suka berhutang.
- You ingat, orang kaya tu orang yang banyak kad? Orang kayalah sepatutnya tak guna credit card, they should pay everything in cash.

Okay.

Then, a death came. I was sitting down with my friend, asking her, "What now?"

She said, "I'm gonna make sure Mom is alright, then I'm gonna settle all his credit cards, phone bills etc."

Credit cards. Hutang. What if nobody knows how many credit cards I'm using! I tanak mati berhutang!

Tapi beli kereta, beli rumah pun berhutang juga.

Okay, from now onwards, I'm going to tell my boyfriend about every hutang that I owe.

And no credit card for me.
Or maybe just one.
Just to book flight tickets? Hehe.

2010-02-26T16:39:00.002+08:00

My good friend lost a family member. I can imagine how the mother is devastated because their family is small. To add salt to the wound, one other family member became useless. He's like a zombie, only physically there but always high, I assume.

And this is why I always want a large family. You never know what can happen.

But I hope, there's a hikmah di sebalik kejadian.
Who knows, the other family member will finally realize that he now has to take charge, change, be there for his mother.

When I was little, I always sympathize those poor children who have to walk to school under the burning sun or the heavy rain.

Whenever I see them, I'd ask quietly why Mother, the woman who always fetched me to and fro the school, never stopped to offer them a ride.

Tak kesian ke...

So, I promised myself, after I got my driving license, I would do volunteering work and randomly offer stranger kids the rides that they need.

But it never happened.

I'm not really sure why.

My boyfriend was driving when he was stopped looking at an accident victim lying by the roadside.

The motorcyclists met an accident with a dumb lady who stood there doing nothing. He was obviously bleeding and his leg was deformed.

My boyfriend decided to take him to the hospital.

The boy was in my boyfriend's car. He told my boyfriend, "Mak cakap, kalau macam ni kena bawa pergi jumpa bomoh, bang!"

Naive.
Ini bukan terseliuh main bola!

At least, my boyfriend is doing what I'm unable to bring myself to do.

Helping a complete stranger in trouble.

And he doesn't even mind the drops of blood staining his car seat.

"It's an old car anyway. I tak kesah pun."

And the more reasons to get a new, dashing car!
Yeay! :)

you'll find it.

2010-02-20T17:45:00.002+08:00

A question.

Who can I trust to make a beautiful corset?

I think a really nice corset is hard to make, so I am thinking of separately sending the corset top to a good tailor and the rest of the dress shall be sewed by other low-key tailors. You know, just because I don't think it's worth it to spend thousands on a wedding dress.

Well, it is worth it, but I don't have enough budget.
I admit!

I gave my boyfriend a text message, basically I was praising myself using the words he had used to compliment me:
"I ni mata bulat, rambut lembut, kulit gebu, bibir mugil, body lawa, kaki licin, wangi, mata bulat, leher cantik...Bertuahnya you ni! What more can you ask for me hah! :)"

This is what he replied with:
"I nak hati you yang baik, kelembutan you, your presence and kasih sayang dan ihsan dari you."

Wow, that was a surprise.

Anyway...

I think this blog has become more or so the place where I document the nice things people had said about/ to me. It's important to remember these things especially during one of those low days when you feel worthless.

"Ectopy, I've been watching you for a long time. I notice you are very humble and hardworking. Keep it up. May God bless you. Jangan lupa banyak baca Quran, banyak-banyakkan berdoa."

Terus hati berbunga-bunga, when someone whom I am not close with, who could be as old as Mother, suddenly said those things to me.
On the other hand, I also has been admiring her from far. She's firm and kind, not irritating unlike some other people who hold the same position as her. And she always encourage people to pray, "Awak Muslim? Baca ni...(Then she would recite some doa). InsyaAllah everything's gonna be fine. Jangan takut. Kena kuat semangat."

The embarassing thing is, she thinks I'm such a nice person which I don't think I am. Perhaps I should recite the Quran more often.

I hate seeing my friends not believing in love. It makes me feel like, 'If I were single, I would've made you happy because I could love you, why wouldn't anyone love you and you love her back,' that kinda thing.

It's baaaaaad...and sad.

For some reasons, I always fail to convince them that they will find the one. Just like how I felt when I fell out of love several years back. I thought I could never loved anyone else more. But then, I found my boyfriend. And it is possible to love more and more.

I remember I was crushed thinking I could never find a person who I can love and love me back. But then, someone told me, of course you could never feel the same love again and you can never compare the love you will have with the previous ones. Because they are different love. But still love. Probably not better, but it's love.

Do you get what I mean!

See, I told you I always fail to explain this to my friends. You'll get what I mean when you've experienced it.

How was your Valentine's day?

One of my friends had a really super duper romantic one and instead of feeling jealous of her, I am so happy for her!

But because the mood still lingers, it opens up opportunities and twisted tales between my friends and their friends and their friends which in the end, I know all of them past and secrets. Why are we so interconnected?

And that's why I like to mingle my friends!